Racing Outside the Line: A Love Story at 190 Mph (3 page)

Through kisses and my own moans, I heard him breathe, "Oh God, Lexie," as he ran his hands across my bare shoulders and all over my back. He seemed content to stay like this, feeling the friction of the hair on his chest against my bare breasts, kissing me to within an inch of my life, but my body was screaming for more.

"Seth," I begged, surprised at how breathy my voice was. He seemed to understand what I was trying to say as he cradled me carefully and rolled me back onto my back. I prayed that he wouldn’t pull back when his lips traced their way down my neck to take one of my breasts into his mouth. While it wasn’t the first time I reached this level, Seth was clearly so much more experienced in this arena than Josh had been.

Teasingly, he brought his lips back to mine as he covered my body with his, grinding up against me with as much need as my own, only to pull away from me to allow his tongue access to my breasts again. He did this several times before I found it in me to stop him. Just as his lips left mine, I put both hands on his face and pulled him back to me. Staring into his smoldering eyes was a revelation. He truly, truly wanted me. "You’re driving me crazy," I said very slowly, sounding a bit like a cry for help.

His response was a wide smirk as he held my gaze, "You can’t possibly understand what you’re doing to
me
." He sounded so serious, even a little upset, but then he kissed me again. It wasn't the needy, fretful kisses we had been sharing, but a soft, tender kiss that made me feel warm all the way to my toes. The whole world seemed to slow down as he carefully and gently pulled my dress down my body. I reached out for the button on his jeans, but he covered my hand with his, halting me. He looked down at me again and he almost looked sad. "Lexie… wait," he sighed, "I... I can’t blame this on getting caught up in passion… Lexie, I need… I need you to be sure that…"

"Stop," I commanded, surprised by the sudden strength to my voice. "I’ve wanted you for… forever practically." He was going to back out on me. I could feel the panic in my chest. I bit my lower lip in an attempt to hold it together. "Please," I begged, all strength gone now, "please… don’t leave…."

Before I knew what was happening, his lips were bruising mine again, and he was crushing my body to his, holding me so tightly I thought he might squeeze me to death. My heart was beating so frantically and beneath my hand that was trapped between our bodies, I could feel his heart matching the rhythm of my own. He pulled back just enough to unbutton his jeans and tear them quickly off his body before returning his lips and his body to mine. His boxers and my panties did nothing at all to hide how much we wanted each other. As he came grinding into contact with me, his tongue slid in and out of my mouth, sending my senses reeling.

When I felt his fingers slide into the waistband of my panties, I couldn’t help but arch up against them as he worked some kind of magic I had never experienced before. It must have only been seconds before I was crying out, writhing uncontrollably, and screaming his name. Not even my dreams had been this pleasurable and believe me, I had dreamt about this with him plenty of times. After I came down off the cloud he put me on, I had enough sense to attempt to pull his boxers off him. He was kind enough to yank them quickly off before I wasted too much time with the effort.

Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the feeling of
all
of his skin meeting
all
of mine. I could have stayed there in that moment forever if my body hadn’t been screaming for him to be inside of me. I felt him push into me, just a bit, before his arms started to shake and he groaned, "Oh God, Lexie." His head fell to my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around him holding him as close as I possibly could.

I could tell it was a strain for him to hold back. Even I was having trouble staying still with him just barely inside of me. It took ridiculous will power. "Lex, baby, this is going to…"

"Hurt?" I supplied. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what was next. I was seventeen, nearly eighteen for crying out loud, of course I knew what was next.

He picked his head up off my shoulder and looked me clearly in the eyes, "I really don’t want to hurt you, Lexie." I had heard that some guys get all gooey and mushy at this moment, some guys are rough and careless, but Seth sounded very clear and very scared. It went straight to my heart and only intensified the love I had for him.

"It’s okay," I rocked my hips again and elicited a groan from him, "I want it to be you, always wanted it to be you." He kissed me again, tenderly at first, until the passion between us escalated back up to epic proportions.

It hurt, I can’t say it didn’t, but not nearly as much as I had read about and not nearly as much as I had prepared myself for. What I hadn’t prepared myself for was the all-encompassing, overwhelming, sensation of it all. His body pressed so closely and dearly to mine, my breasts rubbing against his chest, the feel of his panting breath hitting my face, and him inside of me. I just… You can’t, I mean, there aren’t even words to describe the sensation, just breathless, intensified gasps and moans. I was completely lost in it all, floating somewhere in la la land.

"Lexie… Lexie look at me." I opened my eyes to see Seth staring intently down at me. I hadn’t thought it possible, but I felt everything more strongly. No longer lost, he was my anchor, and the reality of the situation had me crying out for him. My eyes locked with his connecting us in a way I had only imagined. The world suddenly tilted and turned sending me gasping for air and digging my fingers into Seth’s back. I was writhing underneath him, trying to get closer to him, trying to bring him further into me. I was frantic and all the while, I watched Seth’s emotions match my own.

When he cried out, "Lexie…. Oh God, yes…. Lexie!" I lost it all and burst into a million pieces as I felt him do the same inside of me. When he finally let his arms drop and his head fall back to my shoulder, I smiled, completely content. Nothing seemed to matter anymore except that Seth was with me.

I barely heard Seth ask, "Are you cold, baby?" I opened my eyes, silly smile still plastered across my face, and shook my head. A larger version of the smirk he had worn earlier appeared across his facial features as he ran the back of his hand across my cheek and down my arm. "You’re trembling." I felt my smile falter as I realized he was right. How had I not noticed that? I took a few deep breaths to try to get my muscles to calm down, but it didn’t help. I could feel worry settling in my chest.

"Shhh," he said so tenderly. "It’s okay, just relax, it’ll go away."

He tried to pull away from me, but I held on tightly to his shoulders. "Stay with me," I pleaded with my eyes.

He kissed me softly on the lips before responding, "I’m just getting us more comfortable. I’m not going anywhere." Satisfied with his answer, I let him roll onto his back before launching into his awaiting arms. Curled up close to his chest, I let his deep breaths carry me off to sleep.

The next morning I woke up, and it was nearly noon. I reached over hoping to find Seth, but knowing I wouldn’t. My brother and Wyatt would be home this morning, so he had probably woken up and got dressed in order to avoid either of them catching on to what had happened last night.

Thinking about the night before only made me smile absurdly, completely unable to stop. After a hot shower and several daydreams about the night before, I came out of my room to find my poor homeless plant wilting on the floor. I immediately felt guilty over the mess I had made. Last night I would have told you that you were certifiably insane if you had said things would end up the way they did. Cleaning up my mess and giving my plant a temporary home in one of the plastic bins I organized my makeup in was oddly therapeutic. Not as therapeutic as making love with Seth, of course, but it did make me feel as if I were making amends for my rudeness the night before.

As I got dressed, I couldn’t help but wonder what this meant for Seth and me. Would we start dating now? Would he want to take it slowly? I found myself pulling on a snug pair of jeans and a form fitting t-shirt without even thinking about it. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and realized that since my dad’s death, I had grown accustomed to wearing my baggy sweats and one of my dad’s old shirts around the house. Even when I went to school or out with Josh, I typically wore looser clothing. Was it making love to Seth last night that changed my view of myself? I looked down at my body in the different clothes and I felt… pretty. I felt confident, which was something I hadn’t felt in such a long time. I happily bounced my way downstairs with an uncontrollable grin plastered on my face, excited to see Seth and nervous to see him all at the same time.

"Hey sleeping beauty," my brother Desmond greeted me. "So I take it you had a nice time last night?"

If only he knew, "Last night was the best night of my life. I’ll tell you all about it later. I’m starving, where’s Seth? I was hoping he would make me some French toast." I walked to the kitchen with my brother trailing me. I worried that my brother would see right through me and know something had happened between us last night, but I could not, for the life of me, hide my smile.

"Uh," he looked uncomfortable and not just uncomfortable, but upset. "He’s not here, Lex," he stared at the floor.

My heart stopped. Something was wrong, I could feel it, and I could see it in Desmond’s hesitation. "He go down to the shop?" He usually made a trip or two to the shop everyday. I was sure I was overreacting, but my stomach was so uneasy in that moment.

Desmond looked up at me for the briefest of seconds, and I could immediately tell he was hiding something. "No, Lex, he… he went out of town for awhile. He said he had business to do and wouldn’t be around much for the next few months, promotional things and all that… do you… do you want me to make you something for breakfast? I’ll make you anything you want." I didn’t miss the inflection of his voice—it was the same tone he used when he had tried to get me to eat or talk after our dad died. I didn’t see how he would know what had happened between Seth and me the previous night, but, then again, he didn’t need to. He would know how upset I would be over Seth disappearing for a few months. Seth hadn’t been away from home for more than five days at a time since I went into depression. He just didn’t have a clue about how much worse this would be for me. He couldn’t possibly understand that Seth’s leaving was because of me.

I fell into a chair at the kitchen table. My smile slowly faded as it all sunk in. This was because of
me
. He was avoiding
me
. He regretted sleeping with
me
. He didn’t
want
me. He only slept with me because he felt sorry for me. My stomach dropped to the floor. The grief I felt for my dad hit me like a ton of bricks coupled with shame, humiliation, and the severe pain of the grotesque hole burning in my chest.

I don’t know how long I sat there unblinking, trying not to breath, trying not to feel alone, but I don’t remember seeing anything until it was dark. Several hours must have passed by. There was a glass of water and some untouched food in front of me. The second I looked down at it, I ran to the sink and threw up. My brother didn’t ask me what was going on; he told Wyatt that I probably had a hangover. I remember him carrying me up to my room and putting me in bed.

My existence became comprised of sleeping and staring at nothing. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Everyone assumed I had a relapse and was grieving over my dad again. They left me alone.

Josh tried to talk to me, tried to pull me out of my stupor, but he couldn’t reach me this time. I don’t remember the Senior Luau, although my brother forced me to go. I don’t remember graduation, although Wyatt and Desmond forced me to go to that too. I do remember dropping weight again and crying myself to sleep every night. I remember never seeing Seth, even though my brother and Wyatt said he stopped by every now and again. I remember not talking to anyone, not even watching TV anymore. I just sat and stared into space, constantly reminding myself of what an idiot I was.

The worst part, the most asinine part, was that I couldn’t bring myself to regret that night, even though it cost me all semblance of sanity. I still loved him, still wanted to be with him, and still wished he would come walking into my room with a movie in one hand and popcorn in the other. But it wasn’t going to happen. He didn’t want to see me anymore, not even to pretend to be a brother-figure. He didn’t want to be reminded of what I had talked him into. I was repulsive to him; it was the only explanation.

After wallowing in depression for weeks, I had to move on. So I picked up my stack of acceptance letters and rifled through them until I found the furthest school away. I had applied to UCLA because Josh had. He thought it would be cool to be by the beach, but he never got in. The deadline for the enrollment contract had already passed, but Wyatt pulled a few strings (and donated a hefty chunk of money) to get me back on track there. It was my best option—far away from everything… away from Seth, away from memories of my parents and my life before I lost them. I would start over in this new place and be a new stronger and more confident me.

Four years flashed by in the blink of an eye… and I hadn’t heard one single word from Seth, that is, until about two weeks before graduation when I received a voicemail from him. I was at a loss as to why. Even though I took a lot of crap from my sisters about it, I listened to that stupid voicemail over and over.

"Alexis, it’s Seth, I need to talk to you. It’s not an emergency. It doesn’t have anything to do with your brother or my dad. Please just give me a call back as soon as you can." I would like to say that I heard his voice and felt nothing, but that would be a lie. I listened to his voice on the voicemail about fifty times before deciding not to call him back. If it were important, my brother would pass the message along.

So the night that I let my drunken stupor get the best of me, my sober sorority sister, Cathy, had been in charge of cell phones and keys. While she was steadfast in not relinquishing keys, she gave into me on the cell phone front. The sober sister’s job in relation to cell phones was to prevent drunk dialing, which always tended to lead to bad drama. However, when I told her who I was calling and what I wanted to say, she flat out told me, "the bastard deserves it, here you go," and handed over my phone. Not only that, she went around to the other sisters and told them what I was finally doing, so I had a crowd of some drunk, some sober sisters cheering me on. I hadn’t expected him to pick up, but he did.