Racing Outside the Line: A Love Story at 190 Mph (6 page)

He had a smug smile on his face when he shut off the engines and started pressing buttons on the control panel. It was suddenly quiet, so I lowered my voice.

I managed to pull out a smile from somewhere inside of me, "Sure, I could give you some pointers." I stepped closer to him until I could easily place my index finger to his chest. I backed him up against the corner of the control panel, so he had no choice but to be close to me. "To begin with," I ran my index finger down his chest, "other people might like your boat," I was sure to end the word ‘boat’ with my finger at his waist, "I’ve ridden it, I’d be happy to tell them how smooth it handles." He flinched, and his breathing was uneven. I definitely got under his skin with that comment.
Score one for Alexis
.

He took a few breaths and looked back out onto the lake, but he didn’t try to move away from me. Still focusing on the lake, he commented, "I don’t think I like this new version of you."

TOUGH!
I wanted to punch him, my emotions were getting the better of me here, and I could feel anger and pain bubbling up within me. I had the strength for maybe one or two more blows, and then I would have to walk away or humiliate myself.

I sucked in a quick breath, "Well, Seth, when you break something and leave it lying there for someone else to pick up the pieces, you don’t get much say in how they put it back together." I pulled off a bit of a rushed, but still matter-of-fact tone, even though it hurt to admit that he broke me. I fancied myself a strong woman, but I tried to tell myself, it isn’t the holding together that makes me strong, it’s the fact that I found it in me to rebuild.

His face changed immediately and part of me regretted making the comment because I could see the sadness and the guilt in his eyes, but the rest of me did a little happy dance…
score two for Alexis
. He looked as if he wanted to say something, like he had been waiting to say something for a long time and had only now worked up the nerve, when we were interrupted.

"Hey, Alexis, come jump in, the water feels great!" It was Brad yelling and, by the sounds of it, having a splashing fight against someone.

I leaned over the edge of the boat, scooting closer to Seth, who still didn’t move. I did, however, notice him turn to a statue, not even breathing as my entire upper body touched his. "I’ll be right down!" As I leaned up, I purposefully brought my face closer to his and watched as he didn’t take his eyes off my lips. How could he deny being attracted to me? Would he keep up this brother crap forever? How long could I keep playing this game with him?

I felt him take a deep steadying breath before kicking me in the gut with another brotherly remark, "Watch out for those two. Brad’s a decent guy, but Greg is King of the one night stand. I don’t want you to get hurt."

Oh boy, did he know how to say the wrong thing! GREG is King of the one-night stand, what about him? I would say no one could pull off a one-night stand as well as Seth did. And what was this crap about not wanting me to get hurt, he should have thought of that BEFORE he slept with me!
Breathe… just breathe. Deep calming breaths
… Did he have a freaking clue what he was saying?

It took every ounce of strength I had to walk away from him, to hold back the anger and the tears and the pain, to just walk away. I pulled off my sandals and threw them on the bench seat on the other side of the boat.

My back was to him, so he touched my shoulder to get my attention; I turned around and let the full force of my emotion come out through my eyes. He just stood there staring at me for several moments before finally blurting out, "I… I’m sorry…." He did look truly apologetic, which unfortunately began to dissolve away my anger so that my heartache was much more noticeable. I tried to hold back the tears, but I knew they were swimming in my eyes, ready to run out onto my cheeks at any moment. "I… didn’t mean that… I didn’t mean to… I’m just… I’m just trying to look out for you."

I could not will myself to stop the next thought, as pathetic as it was, from taking over my mind and projecting itself from my eyes.
Then… LOVE… me!
I had to close my eyes and take deep breaths to stop from yelling it out.

He must have picked up on some of it because he reached up and put his palm on my cheek wiping away a stray tear from my eye and rubbing his thumb back and forth across my cheekbone. I couldn’t help but lean into his hand, couldn’t help but want to jump into his arms and tell him how much I loved him. When I opened my eyes, he bent down to look into them and my heart started beating wildly. I don’t know how long we stood there with our eyes locked together, but it felt like forever. Slowly, patiently he moved closer to me, his eyes shifted to my lips and I knew he was going to kiss me. My heart stopped beating and everything in me tensed. I could feel his breath on my skin, and I began to anticipate the warmth of his lips on mine.

"Seth!" hollered "the other woman." "Did you want a beer, dear?" And like prom night all over again, the spell was broken. He stepped away from me and walked back to the control panel at the helm of the boat. Somehow… somewhere, I found my strength and managed to steady myself against the edge of the seat in front of me.

"Sure, hun," he yelled down to her, and my only solace was that his voice had more than a trace of anger in it and quite a bit of frustration. I angrily pulled off my tank top and sarong and stood there in my miniscule black bikini. I glared at Seth as I pulled my hands angrily through my long hair. I knew for a fact that my tan set off this bikini and that he would be blind not to notice what I looked like.

I wasn’t disappointed. He took one look at me and let out a very large, very loud sigh and I thought I heard the word "shit" come through his deep breath. When he finished taking in my entire appearance and taking his time with it, might I add, he placed his elbows on the control panel and leaned over as if he were trying to catch his breath.
HA! Score three for Alexis
. I couldn’t help but take the opportunity to rub it in. I walked slowly over to him.

Standing beside him, nearly allowing my body to touch his, I could see him taking deep, labored breaths. I held still there, inches away from my upper body rubbing against his arm. I whispered in his ear with a smug smile in my voice, "I told you… I’m
not
your
damn
kid sister."

I think I had the desired effect because he started chuckling under his breath only it sounded a bit like sobbing. He was shaking his head as he turned to look me over again. He closed his eyes then and brought his hand up to pinch his nose between his thumb and index finger.

Poor Seth. I walked away from him then, so that he could take in my backside as well. When I turned to go down the steps to the lower deck, I looked back up at him and was pleased to notice that he had been watching me leave. I winked at him, just for good measure.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. Brad and Greg had a more exuberant reaction to my appearance than Seth did, complete with deep whistles. Once again, I called upon my inner will power to suck it up and find the strength to continue the day as if I had never spoken to Seth. It was difficult at first, but Desmond made it much easier, and I was quickly able to bury my emotions in the role of true kid sister to him. We swam and splashed, just as we had when we were kids, until I was exhausted. I lounged out in the sun soaking up energy for as long as possible until it began to get dark and it was time to head back to the house. While we glided across the water on our way back home, I went back to the upper level to retrieve my sandals and clothes. I knew Seth would be up there, and I really didn’t have the energy for another round with him, but I was determined not to hide either.

I stood there tying my sarong back around my hips, and I could feel his eyes on me. Sitting in the chair, I slowly put on each sandal. I liked this quiet attention. It felt good to know he was watching me and nice not to be exchanging painful comments back and forth. I wanted to say something, to prolong this somewhat alone time together, but I didn’t know what to say that would be a safe comment. In the end, I opted for silence and just sat down enjoying the wind blowing through my hair.

"The wind is stronger over here," he yelled, pointing to the seat next to him.

I couldn’t help but smile at him, a genuine smile, because I was happy that he wanted me to stay there with him, happy that he wasn’t sick of me. He had been the center of my world for
so
many years that I couldn’t help but crave attention from him. I carefully walked over to the seat next to him.

We were quiet the rest of the way back to the house. It was very calming being near him, just like it had always been.

That changed, of course, the moment we descended from the upper level and encountered Alexandria staring intently at us. As we walked back to the house, Brad was saying something to me that I wasn’t listening to. I was doing my best to eavesdrop on the angry tones coming from Seth’s fiancé. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, all I could hear was Seth, "It’s not like that… she’s my kid sister." Back to square one.

The next few weeks or so went by in the blink of an eye and yet dragged along at a slow snail’s pace all at the same time. I went on several dates with Brad. I was actually enjoying the ease with which I was able to let go and enjoy myself with him. He was a nice guy who was funny and thoughtful. By our fourth date, I was thinking of him as a very good friend that I just happened to be kissing, nothing more (I’m not a slut or anything like that). I had to admit, though, that with Seth in the house, even kissing felt odd.

On our fifth date, Brad invited me to go away to the coast for the weekend. He was clearly trying to take our relationship to the next level, if you catch my meaning, but I wasn’t ready. After several nights of staring at the ceiling for hours while trying to fall asleep, I was finally forced into acknowledging the truth about my motivation for dating Brad. I wasn’t in this for me; I was in this to piss off Seth. I had to slow things down a bit. I liked Brad a lot, but I wasn’t capable of loving him at the moment, not when Seth had my insides all twisted and contorted like some sort of double-jointed freak.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up to the sound of rain. It wasn’t just any old rain storm, though, it sounded as if it were not just raining cats and dogs out there, but horses, cows, perhaps even small cars. I went to the window to look down at the yard out back. I could easily see the lakes of water gathering on top of the lawn. Clearly, the compacted clay soil was standing as a barrier against soaking up the water. A flash of lightning made me jump a little, then giggle in excitement. I had always loved this weather.

Yawning, I went into my bathroom and got into the shower. I was nearly through my showering routine, just finishing shaving my legs as I imagined a cup of tea and a light breakfast in the sunroom watching the grandeur of North Carolina weather, when the lights in my den of a bathroom went out. It was pitch black, and I screamed in pain as the surprise of the darkness led me to slice into my shin with the new razor blade I started using that morning. I stood there for a moment, tears coming to my eyes as the water hit my surely bleeding shin. I was unsure of whether to get out and open a door for light or just attempt to finish rinsing in the complete blackness, when the door opened just a bit.

"Lexie, are you okay?" It was Seth’s voice and even in my pained, embarrassingly naked state, my traitorous heart still leapt to life in a multitude of uneven beats.

"I just… the lights went out… I was startled… crap!" I clutched my shin; it really stung… a lot!

"What? Are you okay? Do you need me to come in there?"

"NO!" I shouted a little forcefully, "I just cut myself, and it doesn’t feel too fabulous. Just leave the door open so I have some light. I’ll be fine."

He didn’t respond, but the light filtering in from the bedroom made it possible to see the blood pouring down my leg mixing with water and soap before flowing down the drain. I felt light-headed. I was never good with the sight of blood. I closed my eyes, took deep breaths, and finished rinsing my body off before shutting off the water.

"Uuunnnhh," I breathed out as I wrapped the large bath towel around my torso, its length hit me about mid-thigh, effectively keeping me warm. I made the mistake of looking down at my leg and the blood already forming a small puddle on the marble floor. "Oh God," the room started to spin and darken. I knew then that I had lost the battle to hold myself together and allowed gravity to pull me down to the floor. Just as my hands connected with the cold marble of the floor, everything went dark.

When I came back around to the land of the conscious, I was propped up against the front of the vanity with Seth leaning over my shin. I could feel his hands on my leg and was so overwhelmed with the idea that he was touching me that I forgot that I had just passed out and why. When I finally woke up from that momentary daydream, I noticed that he was bandaging my shin carefully. "Unnh," the blood soaked wash cloth next to him nearly sent me back into unconsciousness, I looked away.

He chuckled, "When you were younger, you must have been like eleven or twelve, you tripped in the garage and your knee landed on the grinder Wyatt was using on the car. You were bleeding all over the place, but instead of complaining about the pain, you took one look at the blood and I swear, I had never seen you so pale. I remember you dropping to the floor." He shook his head and let out a deep sigh. "You scared the crap out of me, since Desmond had left you alone with me while he went to grab a couple sodas. I just knew he was going to kill me when he saw you passed out on the floor. You never could handle the sight of blood. Pain, you always seemed to deal with well, but not blood or the fear of seeing blood."

"Can you stop talking about it?" How embarrassing. No one liked their weaknesses to be discussed, especially not as you lie naked on the floor of your bathroom with your first love bandaging your leg. "The blood, I mean," I clarified before making the mistake of looking down at the bandage to see the red soaking through, I swear I could feel the warmth trickling out of my leg, "I just… uunh," I put my hand to my forehead and felt my head fall back as everything went black again.