“What do you think you should have done?”
The carefully neutral tone he adopted didn’t fool her for a second. She had to swallow hard before she could force the words out. “I should have retrieved one of the weapons and gone after the killer.”
“You think that would have been the brave thing to do?”
A slight edginess slipped past the evenness as he spoke. Ravyn noted it immediately. Obviously he’d begun to see her true colors. She watched her fingers tighten around the soft blanket and forced herself to say, “Yes, it’s what I should have done.”
“You think you would have had a chance against a murderer that had already killed nineteen people?”
Confused, she lifted her gaze. Damon looked like a storm ready to break. She couldn’t figure out what she’d said to anger him. Then she realized if she’d taken care of the killer instead of hiding, his team would still be alive.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. Her hands shook and she hid them behind her back. “I know it’s my fault your men are dead. I’m sorry.”
“What?”
That one word flayed her with its sharpness. She looked away again, not wanting Damon to see tears fill her eyes.
You’re such a baby.
She didn’t even have enough courage to face his censure and he had every right to show his displeasure.
“Ravyn, look at me,” he said, his voice tender.
The tears she’d struggled to contain slipped free at his gentleness.
Why couldn’t she be braver?
Blinking furiously, Ravyn forced herself to look him in the eye.
“You wouldn’t have stood a chance,” he told her.
“Alex trained me.”
“There’s a big difference between the training you have and the training you’d need to face this killer. Six very experienced Spec Ops soldiers appear to have been helpless against him. You couldn’t even take me the day we fought in the mud, and I didn’t want to hurt you. Going after the killer wouldn’t have been brave; it would have been foolhardy.”
Something in the way he spoke dried Ravyn’s tears. She studied him for a moment and realized he meant exactly what he said. He didn’t think hiding that day made her weak. “I still should have done something,” she insisted.
“Like deploy the emergency beacon?” One side of his mouth quirked up, almost derisively. “You saw how much good that did.”
Ravyn stared at him for a moment and let his words sink in. What could she have done differently? What would have changed the outcome? Damon was right; she hadn’t been able to take him. Oh, she’d put up a good fight, but in the end, his skills had far outweighed hers. It didn’t take much reasoning to realize his men would have been as proficient and they’d gone down when faced with the killer.
“I get scared every time you’re out of my sight,” she announced almost defiantly. So he was right about one thing, that didn’t mean she wasn’t a coward.
“So? You think I don’t worry when I can’t see you?” He sounded as belligerent as she had.
That knocked the wind right out of her sails. “You do?” she asked, all warm inside. Lord, she had it bad for this man.
“Hell, yes. Do you think I’m a coward?”
“No!” Ravyn blurted, not wanting him to believe for one instant she thought him less than courageous. Not when he had all those doubts about himself and his abilities. She knew how torn up he still felt about Sammy and the others.
“I rest my case.”
Ravyn frowned. He’d tricked her. “Damon,” she said, “I know what I am. I lived with brave people. I never saw them scared the way I get. Gil, Mom, Alex fearlessly did what needed to be done. I’ve known my whole life that I’m not like them.”
Damon cupped her face and ran his thumb along her cheekbone. “Sweet pea, maybe you didn’t see them scared, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t feel it. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to go into battle with someone who was completely unconcerned. A little anxiety keeps you on your toes, makes you a better soldier. Courage isn’t being fearless. Courage is feeling the fear and doing what needs to be done anyway.”
Ravyn wrapped her fingers around his wrist, not to pull his hand away, but because she needed to touch him. “But I haven’t done what I needed to.”
“No? You fought me when I pulled you out from under the bunk and you didn’t know who I was.”
“I was so terrified, I didn’t remember any of the things Alex had taught me. I was ineffectual.”
“You still tried. You never lost your head no matter what we faced, which was a big help.” He smiled. “You threw mud and wrestled me, and I’m much bigger and meaner than you are.”
“You might be bigger,” Ravyn said, returning his smile, “but I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. Besides, you made me mad.”
“And when the killer stumbled past us, you didn’t scream or go running off in a panic. When I got knocked in the head, who jumped in flood waters to pull me out?”
“Anyone would have done that,” Ravyn insisted.
Damon shook his head. “You stitched me up even though I could tell you didn’t want to do that. You slept between me and any possible danger when I was out of it.”
Ravyn opened her mouth to argue with him, but Damon moved his thumb so the pad rested on her lips. She subsided reluctantly.
“You took control when my head pounded so bad I couldn’t think. And who jumped in front of me and took that barb? You think these actions are cowardly? ”
She nipped at his thumb to get him to remove it. “I didn’t think about jumping in front of you, I just reacted. That doesn’t mean anything.”
“The hell it doesn’t,” he told her, leaning forward. “I can tell you right now most people wouldn’t have done it.”
She gave his wrist a squeeze. “Honey, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but...” Her words trailed off when his hands went to her waist and she smothered a yelp as he pulled her next to him. Before she could react, he had half her body covered with his and a leg thrown over hers.
“Repeat after me, ‘I am not a coward.’”
The smirk on his face irritated Ravyn almost as much as having her own methods turned back on her. “Damon,” she said. Her voice held warning. Instead of looking concerned, the man had the nerve to shoot her a smile that made her toes curl.
“I’m trying some positive reinforcement,” he told her.
Unable to help herself, she laughed and reached for him. “I like the way you think, Captain.”
*** *** ***
Alex never apologized. He’d learned young it didn’t change anything. Still, he felt nearly compelled to ask Stacey to forgive him. Hell, if any man ever treated Ravyn like that, he’d kill the son of a bitch. And Stacey was his sister’s best friend. Ravyn would have his ass for this.
If Stacey told her.
What was he thinking? Of course Stacey would tell Ravyn all about what happened. Women shared everything with their best friends. Today he refused to believe his sister wouldn’t be alive to hear about his transgression. Last night had been the anniversary of his mother’s death. Although he’d never been close to her, it reminded him of all the people he’d lost in his life whom he had been tight with. The number had been too high.
Of course, that didn’t excuse the way he’d treated Stacey. Not the taking her against the wall part; she’d been right there with him for that. No, it was the look on her face as he’d walked away afterward that ate at him. Maybe he had grown too accustomed to women who didn’t expect more from him than sex. Women who expected him to walk away exactly like that after they’d finished. But he’d known from the start Stacey wasn’t someone who took sex casually.
Alex groaned and ran a hand across his chin. He hadn’t shaved this morning and the stubble abraded his palm. He wondered if Stacey waited in the equipment bay or if he’d have to track her down. It was a good fifteen minutes past the time their training sessions usually started, but he couldn’t force himself to move. He knew he couldn’t avoid her forever, though.
The door opened then and Stacey exploded into his room. He saw beyond the temper sizzling from her body. He noticed the sallowness of her complexion, the puffiness of her eyes that she hadn’t quite been able to conceal, the dark circles that spoke of a sleepless night and he felt even worse than he had earlier.
“You’re late,” she informed him. Her anger held flame and heat. “You may not think much of me, but I thought you respected your precious schedule. Didn’t you say we didn’t have any time to waste when it came to training?”
“Stace,” he began only to stop uncertainly. This was a new experience for him, not knowing what to say to a woman. Her hazel eyes, normally so clear and bright, appeared muddy. Alex began to get a better idea of how deeply he’d hurt her.
“What?” she snarled at him.
He opened his mouth and shut it again. Two little words. How could it be so hard to say them? It wouldn’t begin to make up for his behavior, but at least she’d know he regretted it. People said those words all the time, why couldn’t he?
“You’re a jerk, Sullivan,” she said as the silence dragged.
“I know,” he admitted.
“You had no right to treat me like that.”
“I know.”
“You know, you know. You just know everything, don’t you?”
He reached for her then, wanting to comfort her, but she evaded him with ease. Alex knew he could catch her, but he didn’t try again. He didn’t blame her for not wanting him to touch her. He turned from her and drove both hands into his hair. He tightened them into fists, pulling enough to be uncomfortable and then dropped them back to his sides. There had to be some way to make this right, he thought desperately. Some way that didn’t involve those two words he couldn’t say.
“Look at me,” she ordered. “Don’t you ignore me like I’m beneath your notice.”
Alex pivoted sharply, disbelief filling him. He was displaying more agitation, more emotion than he had in years and she thought he was ignoring her? No wonder men and women had so many communication problems.
“I wasn’t ignoring you,” he told her, but she fluttered her hand as if waving aside his words.
They stared at one another across the length of the room. He didn’t know what she saw, but something had her setting aside her temper. He knew she could hit flashpoint again in a second, but, for right now, her anger had abated.
“I never knew you were a coward,” she said with the same amount of emotion she would use to state the time.
That pronouncement lit Alex’s fuse. “You want to repeat that?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous.
“Oh, not physically,” Stacey said. “I bet when it comes to physical risk, you’re brave as can be. Emotionally is another story. You’re afraid to feel anything for anyone. You said it yourself, you didn’t want to love Ravyn. My guess is it’s easier for you not to care about anybody.”
Alex grabbed for his control with both hands. “You’re pushing me.”
“It’s time someone did. You stay so safe and untouched while us mere mortals struggle with human emotions. Remaining uninvolved makes you feel superior, doesn’t it, Sullivan?”
Anger had crept back into her voice, but Alex battled his own indignation. “Who are you to judge anyone else? You grew up in some hick town, untouched by war. I watched my father go out on missions so dangerous it was a miracle he came back alive. Did you fear for anyone in your family? No,” he answered before she could. “Did you ever think about the people who were affected every day by war?”
“And that’s why you’re emotionally crippled? Because you grew up near the front lines? That’s a cop-out. Ravyn grew up the same way and she doesn’t hold people at arms’ length.”
“You don’t think so?” Alex knew how cold his voice sounded, but he didn’t try to warm it. “Ravyn is exactly like me. We just go about it differently.”
Stacey stepped forward, her eyes narrowed. Alex took a minute to appreciate the sight she made. She looked magnificent, furious and ready to do battle for a friend. “That’s not true. She has lots of friends. Everyone loves her.”
“Yes, Ravyn has lots of friends. She’s everyone’s buddy. Aside from you, how many others does she confide in, share herself with?” Alex didn’t wait for her to answer. “No one notices because she treats everyone with the same apparently open friendliness. What you don’t realize, what no one seems to realize, is that’s her wall, her way to keep herself separate.” As soon as he finished speaking, Alex regretted what he’d said. He felt as if he’d betrayed his sister in some way. If people couldn’t see past the front she put up, he had no business pointing it out. He understood completely Ravyn’s need to keep herself safe. It hurt when people died or left you.
Stacey appeared stunned. “Oh my God,” she finally said, her voice sounding as astonished as she looked. “You’re right, that’s exactly what Ravyn does. I don’t understand. Why?”
Alex shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Her father died when she was little more than a baby. She lost her mom and my dad at fourteen. After that I raised her and she had to live with the knowledge that some day I might not come home either. It’s understandable she doesn’t let many close.”
“You and I are the only two, aren’t we?”
“Yes. She doesn’t love easily,” he offered, trying to make Stacey feel better, “but when she does, it’s for keeps.”
“What about you? Why are you so closed off?”
Alex contemplated answering her question for a moment. He couldn’t manage to force “I’m sorry” out of his mouth, but maybe if he talked about his past, she would know he felt remorseful even if he couldn’t articulate it. His gut knotted at the thought. He’d have to find another way. Years of protecting himself were impossible to toss aside.
“My job requires distance,” he said, with a shrug. He knew from the expression on Stacey’s face that she didn’t buy his story. Alex kept talking, hoping to distract her. “Dad and Marie’s deaths really left Ravyn reeling.”
“Of course,” she said, sarcasm dripping from her words, “their deaths didn’t affect you at all. You wouldn’t have been expecting anything to happen to them while we were at peace, but you didn’t falter for a moment, did you?”
“No, I wasn’t expecting it.” He kept his voice even, his face impassive. It was second nature to hide emotion. Alex wouldn’t admit to being shaken at the loss, but he had been. He’d become complacent, so sure his father and stepmother would always be there. Fate had shown him differently. When he surfaced from the bleakness of remembered loss, he saw Stacey glowering at him again. Anger had left her face suffused with color and he found himself curious about where the blush started. Her chest? Lower? He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets to keep himself from reaching for her. He might want a repeat of last night, but she didn’t.