Reaching Out to the Stars (7 page)

I enjoyed the show, some parts more than others, and I did not want the night to end. Of course, at this point, there wasn’t any talk of any future touring so I knew that this may be the last of the excitement for me.

I remember after the show, our group of five, myself, Bryce, David and two of our friends, Jude and Sierra, going to Pub 99 for some buffalo wings and fries. We all had a great time.

As I went to bed that night with a smile on my face, I reflected on the show, about how it was the best birthday ever along with some other thoughts which are better left untold. Suddenly, I found myself being really depressed and sad. I couldn’t figure out if it was because a night I had so looked forward to for so long had come and gone so fast or, even crazier, if I was disappointed about some unrealistic dream I had about him possibly acknowledging my birthday, which of course he didn’t. I had this deranged expectation of him getting my letter and knowing that I was going to be there on my birthday.

The fact that he receives hundreds of letters a day had no effect on my hope that this was not in a million years going to happen. Actually, it did, but that is not something that any fan wants to accept. I did have something to look forward to, a CD that would be released in October.

Come October, I was counting down the days. I remember the day really well. I was about eight weeks pregnant. I had actually called in sick to work the day of the release so that I could be the first one into Best Buy at ten o’clock a.m. to get the CD. I remember not feeling so good when I got there, so I went into the store and purchased the CD as quickly as I could and rushed back to the car. As I got into the driver’s seat, excited to take it out of the wrapper, I noticed there was a huge crack in the front of the CD. I must not have noticed it due to the fact that I was not feeling that great and was trying to get in and out of there in a hurry. I was so pissed off and sat for a minute, questioning whether I should go back and exchange it. In most circumstances, I think I would have lived with the crack, but not this time.

I ran back into the store and got a new one and then rushed back into the car, anxious to hear it. Not feeling well at all, I had to struggle with the wrapper. This is the packaging we all hate when we buy a new CD because it is going to take at least ten minutes to open it.

I was able to listen to some of it on the way home and when I got home, I had my first bout of morning sickness. I kept wondering if God was punishing me for calling in sick to work or if my unborn child did not have the same taste in music as his mother. Come to think of it, I think it was one of the only CDs I listened to throughout my pregnancy and I puked for seven months straight.

At this time, there was talk of my idol touring with first season winner, Kelly Clarkson. I purchased two tickets and on March 8th found myself back at the Worcester Centrum, this time with my mom.

I was feeling alright and hoping that my baby would cooperate, which he did. Maybe he had a change of heart. It is said that if a baby hears music in the womb that they recognize it after birth. I do think that he must have because up until this day, he either falls asleep to it every time we take a ride in the car or asks to hear it as he bee bops in the back seat with most of the words memorized.

Again, the show was great. I remember getting this rush when he came on stage through an entrance right through the middle of his fans. I thought it was awesome and quite brave. This time he was the first to perform. The entire time Kelly was performing, all I could think about was whether or not he was coming back. If I could have answered that question with a no, I think I may have gone home.

My mom and I did stay for the remainder of the show. At home, I was excited because I had bought my first t-shirt and couldn’t wait to wear it. This time, I was only depressed because I bought my t-shirt in my actual size, an extra small, and I was not by any means tiny. I hoped for another show in the future, which of course, happened.

On August 3, 2004, Bryce drove us to the Ryan Center at the University of Rhode Island. We had no clue where we were going, but it was the closest show to us. We had directions from Jude and Sierra because they had family that owns a summer home nearby.

We ended up getting there an hour early. We had not eaten and did not know the area. With a lot of time to spare, we waited outside amongst the other fans. This is when I really started to take notice of all the different types of fans that were out there.

As I looked around, there were teenage fans running around everywhere. I remember one girl being so out of control it was like entertainment for all of us. There were two girls that caught my eye that were wearing homemade t-shirts that said ‘Mrs. ____.’ I thought to myself, You’ve got to be kidding me. I then wondered if that was something that I may have done as a teenager. Well, maybe it’s not so crazy. After all, the way that Hollywood and life works today, a ten to twenty year age difference is quite normal. I also began to think, hell, even at an older age, married or single, we actually think quite often of the possibility that our admired idols could somehow be our boyfriends. We at times refer to them as our boyfriends, so who are we kidding here?

There were guys and girls and women and men of all ages, sizes and shapes. It was very interesting what a wide range of fans were actually there. I noticed two people who were directly involved with the artist in the crowd which was very unusual, but I thought it was quite nice. One of them was one of his background singers and he was signing autographs.

The other was his bodyguard, out in the open, listening to people sing and picking out who he thought was best to perform on stage. Even though I had been dying to get the chance to get close to my idol and to fulfill my dream of singing on stage, I do not think that I could handle a situation like that. It is hard to actually know what exactly your reaction would be when it came right down to it and there you are, standing right next to someone you have all of these unexplained crazy feelings for and then being expected to sing, and in front of thousands of people. That is something that I could never do. Even though back in the day I was a “ham for the cam,” I found that I had somewhere along the way become very camera shy and developed stage fright. I sometimes like to blame it on the cheerleading incident, my first real form of rejection that I never really overcame.

As soon as we got inside, Bryce got something for us to eat while I waited in the souvenir line. It was my goal to get a good poster or picture because other than being at a show, pictures seemed very hard to come by.

I actually had bid on a picture three times on eBay and don’t remember how much I spent on it because at the time I didn’t care. I also brought my own digital camera thinking I could take some of my own pictures.

We found our seats and they were probably the best seats that I had ever had at a concert. It was the best show yet, my third concert, but the first where the stage was all his. The opening act was Cherie, who I had never heard of but I thought to be quite good. I did end up buying her CD. I also envied her to be touring with my idol and thought that if I were in her shoes I would be all over that.

It was at this concert that I found out that he had started a new foundation created to help children with disabilities. Well, now, how did I know that he would do that? It was just another thing that made me admire him a little more, which I did not think was possible.

I took pictures during most of the show. He changed his outfit several times. He started with the basic blue button down with a tie and jeans. During the middle of the show, he had a striped coat with a white t-shirt and jeans. At some point toward the end of the show, he was actually sporting a full white suit. The picture taking in some respects was good and bad. Good, because I got some great shots but bad because I felt that I did not enjoy the show to its fullest because I was so focused on getting good pictures. Therefore, the show seemed to end so fast.

On the way home, I still had adrenaline rushing through my veins. I crawled into bed, still excited, but I started to feel depressed again. At this point in his career, I knew that there was going to be another show so I was not sure from where the sadness was coming. It lasted for about a week and then all was fine again. I never thought back on it other than to stare at my program every once and a while and to look forward to another show.

I was excited to find out about a Christmas album that would be released. Naturally, I bought it the day it hit the store shelves and listened to it throughout the holidays. I really enjoyed this CD because I really love Christmas music. I was sad to have to stop listening to it come January. It could have been Christmas all year.

I bought two tickets for the Christmas concert for December 3, 2004, at the Providence Performing Arts Center. In November, Bryce blew out his knee playing football with the guys. He had his surgery at the end of November with the concert about two weeks away.

I called the Performing Arts Center to let them know that he was temporarily handicapped and to see if they could make any accommodations for us. I was excited to find out that they would give us handicapped seating and that we could still go.

That night, I drove to the Providence Performing Arts Center. This was quite the experience because anybody who knows me also knows that my biggest fear is driving on big highways or unfamiliar roads. I have this terrible anxiety about getting lost or somehow ending up going the wrong way on a huge highway. There have been times when Bryce has said to me, “What do you think is going to happen? Do you think that the road is just going to end and you are going to fall off into thin air?” I never answer that question because I know if I say yes, I will get laughed at. I have actually seen movies like that where there is a chase and the road just ends and I start screaming because it scares the crap out of me, worse than a horror movie. Anyway, despite being nervous, I was determined to get to the show.

As I drove down route 146, palms sweating, I was doing fine until we ran into route 95, a five lane highway with a butt load of cars. I thought I was going to get the two of us killed but luckily God was with me because it was the first exit, after merging into the madness, we needed to take.

When we got there, we found parking and Bryce crutched his way to the theater. The ushers were kind enough to meet us at the door and wheel him into our seats, which were in the very front of the theater. These seats were even better than the last show. This was one of the only benefits to my husband’s unfortunate situation.

The one thing that stunk was I got my camera taken from me before we entered the theater. I was not worried about the camera being safe but we were so close that I could have really taken some sweet pictures.

I went to buy us some food, my program and some souvenirs. Bryce had to keep his leg elevated throughout most of the show. I have to say that he is a pretty good man to go through all of that for me to watch another man perform, but I’m glad he did. This was my favorite show and my most memorable experience. The atmosphere was really nice and it was smaller and more personal as compared to previous shows that I attended. He also, in my opinion, looked better than he had ever looked on that night. He was dressed in a long, red velvet jacket through most of the show which eventually changed to black.

As I was mesmerized by each performance, something happened that I will never forget. There was a set of stairs on the side of the stage that we were sitting on. About half way through the show, during his performance of “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve,” down he came. He began to dance with a fan that I thought handled herself really well. She stayed very calm. He began to work his way down the side of the theater. He started to sing to a teenage girl and kissed her hand. She, too, kept it together. He proceeded to sing to an elderly woman about four rows in front of me. He also kissed her hand.

I remember Bryce looking at me over and over to see my expression as he came closer and closer to us. I know he was wondering what I would do or how I would react if he made it up that far. This is something that I will never know because he left through a side door to the right of us.

A few feet away is probably the closest I will ever get to my idol. Every time I hear him sing that song when I am listening to that CD in my car around the holidays, I always remember that moment. Until this day, I wish it was me he was dancing with or my hand he was kissing, but I also think that everything happens for a reason. Again, you never know how you are going to react if you are put in that type of a situation. For all I know, I may have thrown up on him.

Chapter 7

My Second Letter

After the excitement, I was also looking forward to the holidays. For Christmas, I had received a book that was just released by my idol. I had asked for it and I was really excited to get it. It was not that the book did not interest me, but I did not read it immediately. This is because at the time, life for me just seemed so busy.