Reason to Believe (White Lace) (12 page)

“I’m so sorry.” She reached behind my head and pulled my hair from its bun. “I didn’t expect a class full of film students to get on a soapbox.”

I shook out my hair then ran my hands over my head. “It was the suit, wasn’t it? If it looks like a douche…”

“It was your first time doing something like this. It takes practice. You just have to build your confidence.” She placed her hand on mine, threading our fingers together. We had been intimate in several ways, on many occasions now, but this was somehow more intimate than any sexual act we could perform.

I pulled our hands up and rested them against my chest. “I don’t need to practice. I need to never do that again.”

“But you still have the second session.”

I did. And I wasn’t going to back out, because I had made a commitment.

“With twice as many people. Why don’t I just bring my own cross and make it easier for them to hoist me up.”

Somehow she had slipped her arm through mine and was now flush against the side of my body. Why hadn’t I noticed that her stockings had a line up the back? Why hadn’t I noticed that her lips were the perfect shade of red to smear all over my cock?

Get a grip, Lockwood. This isn’t just about sex.

There was something about Grace that made it different. It wasn’t so hollow. So pointless.

I wrapped my hand around her bicep and pulled her past the classroom, into the stairwell just to the left. The heavy door banged closed behind us, echoing in the emptiness.

“Why do I get the feeling that we won’t be talking about the session anymore?”

I bracketed her against the wall, resting my forearm above her head. My fingers itched to touch her, so I reached out and slid my finger down a thick lock of her hair and secured it behind her ear.

She turned into my touch, but her hands were secured behind her back, as if she didn’t trust herself to have them free. I knew what that felt like. I had no willpower when it came to Grace Nolan.

“Why does everything turn to sex with us?” She stared up at me from under heavy lids. The thick black lashes fluttered when my finger trailed down her neck to her collarbone and infiltrated her button-down shirt.

“You don’t approve?”

I sure as hell did. Considering my dick twitched inside my pants at the sight of her black lace bra that was now exposed. The substantial height difference allowed me to see right down her shirt. My mouth watered to run across her skin, to lick and suck the perfect swell of her breasts and the subtle lines of her cleavage.

So I did.

I leaned down, pressing my lips to the warm, soft flesh. Her body shuddered the moment I made contact. It didn’t take many kisses for her to fist my jacket and pull me closer; and as I continued my gentle seduction, her head fell back against the wall, opening her neck up to more attention.

A door to the stairwell banged shut above us, echoing through the cement shaft. “Maybe we should take this elsewhere.” I looked at the door. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been sent to the principal’s office.”

“Sadie’s working, and my place is only ten minutes away.”

Tonight had been a catastrophe. Probably the most humiliating experience of my life. And I had been drunk in a lot of places acting like an idiot. Two minutes in a stairwell with Grace and I had managed to completely forget about it. All right, maybe her cleavage and the promise of sex had made me forget all about it.

Grace had proven that she was someone I could count on. And I didn’t want to ruin that by making this relationship more than it was supposed to be. But my cock was a demanding douchebag and my willpower was weak in battle.

“Lead the way.”

“So this is where you live?”

Ben walked into my private space, turning his head from one side to the next, taking in the scenery. Not that there was much to see.

I held my hand out in front of us. “It’s a little small.”

I had moved in with Stella a few weeks ago. I’d had no problem giving Everly her space. She deserved happiness and I knew the next step in her relationship with Max was moving in together, and there was no way my best friend would move out of the house that her grandmother had left her when she’d passed away to live with Max in a hotel.

“It’s perfect for just you and Sadie. Why would you need anything more?”

Ben was modest. Despite having a lot of money in the bank, and his own four bedroom home with a pool that was also on the lake, he never rubbed it in. In fact, with the way he lived, you’d never guess it. It was one of the things I liked most about him.

“The bathroom is the first door on the left and the bedrooms are just past that. Kitchen is to the…” My words trailed off when I noticed the massive flower arrangement on the kitchen counter. “What is that?”

I walked four steps to the kitchen, leaning over and taking in the sweet scent of mums and…were those green roses? I spotted a small envelope and pulled it out, surprised when I opened it to find only three words scribbled across the white space.

Thank you. Ben.

I could tell by the handwriting he’d written it himself. I sucked in a breath and my entire body tingled. I hadn’t expected this. I hadn’t expected such a sweet gesture, not from Ben Lockwood.

I collected myself before I turned around, not wanting him to notice I had to will away the tears pooling in my eyes.

“You did…this?” My words caught in my throat.

He just shrugged, his hands thrust inside the pockets of his dress pants. “They reminded me of your eyes.”

I could tell he was out of his depth. He refused to make eye contact, and when he did, he peeked up at me from under his blond lashes then looked away just as quickly. His uneasiness was charming, and if it was possible, I would have liquefied into a puddle of goo from romantic overload.

Instead of taking a cab to my apartment, we had walked the ten minutes from the college. Thinking back, I now realized the walk had cooled things down. We had left the college with every intention of getting it on, but somewhere along the way we had stalled. Actually, I hadn’t even given it a second thought, because for the short time it took us to get here, I was in the moment. I wasn’t thinking about work, my past, or my future. Instead, I held Ben’s hand, learning about his favorite movies and foods. I’d even become privy to some of the antics Ben and Max had gotten up to as teenagers.

Ben had just made the most romantic gesture of my life and I wanted nothing more than to stay in this moment, to get us back on track…and in bed.

As if knowing the exchange had become lascivious, the newest foster cat I had taken in jumped up on the back of the couch and shamelessly flirted with Ben. My jaw dropped. The cat hadn’t come out of hiding since I’d brought him home.

“What is this?” Ben didn’t look too pleased. As if it was a rat rubbing itself on his arm.

I choked out a laugh. “A cat.”

The previously standoffish animal butt his furry head against Ben’s arm and purred, rubbing back and forth until he was content and curled up in the space between the cushion and back of the couch.

Two distinct meows sounded from the hallway and Ben whipped around, taking in the scene. “You have three cats?”

“Technically, they aren’t mine. I’m fostering them until they get a permanent home.”

I realized that fostering three cats and not having a significant other put me in cat lady territory, but they kept me company and I was giving them a home when they needed it most.

“You can foster cats?” Ben’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Like kids?”

I nodded. “He’s my newest one.” I leaned forward and ran my hand across his back. Immediately, he arched into my touch and purred. What were the odds? Ben had shown up and the cat was suddenly interested in human beings.

The other two cats had made their way over to the couch and now twined themselves between my legs.

“What are their names?” Ben asked.

“The gray and white one is Cynders. The black and white one is Princess.” I patted my newest addition on the head. “And this one doesn’t have a name. I just got him last week.”

“He’s been here a week and doesn’t have a name? That’s depressing.” Ben reached out and pet him. I was surprised. I didn’t take him for an animal lover, especially not a cat lover. He picked up the boy and held him out, inspecting his face and body. “Check out the muscle mass on this guy. He’s a tank.”

I giggled.

He lifted the cat higher, looking beneath his tail. “Oh yeah, I know what his name should be.” He looked up at me, and with a completely stoic face said, “Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

I barked out a laugh. “You’re not serious.”

“Hell yes, look at him.” He plopped him down on the back of the couch and patted his head. “I bet he could take those two.” His chin jerked in the direction of the other two cats, who were still restless, pacing back and forth between my legs.

“You want to name the cat Arnold Schwarzenegger?”

Knowing that he had been owned by an elderly lady, I could guarantee his name was nowhere near that of an Austrian-American body builder and movie star. But this cat obviously trusted Ben enough to come out of hiding. He should get to name him.

“All right. Arnold it is.”

“Yeah, buddy.” Ben picked up the cat and rounded the couch, sitting down to face the television. He plopped him in his lap, not even caring about getting cat hair on his brand-new suit. Speaking to the cat, he said, “You have just been given the highest honor one can be bestowed. You are now the namesake of the greatest movie star, athlete, and philanthropist in the entire world.” The cat rose on all fours, turned himself around two times, then plopped back down on Ben’s lap as if he’d done it a thousand times before. “Those are big shoes to fill, but judging by the size of your balls, I think you’ll be fine.”

“He’s crazy for you.” I smiled at the only two men currently in my life. “He’s been hiding from me since the day I brought him home.”

“He’s not so bad.” Ben looked at me. “We should commemorate this with an Arnold movie.” His eyes lit up, and I had to admit, it was the cutest thing watching him get excited about movies. “Help me pick a movie, Arnold,” he said to the cat. “Let’s show Grace some of your best work.”

I settled on the opposite side of the couch, pulling my legs under me, then leaned to the right, snuggled into Ben.

We watched Arnold kill the bad guys. Then we watched him kill some more bad guys. And when he threw some dude off an elevator and delivered his lines, I thought Ben was going to explode with excitement and awe.

And then I remembered…we were supposed to be having sex.

I glared at Arnold. That damn cat had just cockblocked me.

When the movie was over I was quick to grab the remote. “My turn!” I cued up my iTunes, scrolling through my purchased movies, landing on one of my favorite romantic comedies. “Time for some lovin’.”

“Bring it on.” Ben clapped his hands together as if gearing up for an all-you-can-eat contest.

“I thought for sure you’d turn your nose up at a romantic comedy.” I clicked the remote and the movie began.

“Film is film. It’s someone’s creation. It’s someone’s heart and soul on the screen. I would never disrespect a movie.”

He wasn’t what I’d thought he was. When I’d first met Ben, I had thought he was a cocky ass who got off on filming people having sex, and just happened to fall ass backwards into the job. I had no idea that he was a film buff and had a real passion for making movies, not just porn. I would never had guessed that he was thoughtful, and unsure of himself—so much so that he’d agreed to my help. And I never would have guessed in a million years that he’d be romantic.

Maybe everything I thought I knew about Ben Lockwood was a mask, just like the one I’d worn to protect myself when I was with a client. Warning bells went off like an air raid siren in my head. The more I discovered, the more I liked him, and that was a dangerous game to play.

“Besides, I film romantic comedies, sort of.” He cleared his throat. “All right, maybe they aren’t so much romantic, and maybe they aren’t so much comedic in the traditional sense. But sometimes they can be pretty fucking funny by accident.”

I laughed.

“I wouldn’t have pegged you as the romantic comedy type.” He looked over at me, his hand absentmindedly petting Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“I want the happily ever after, Ben. I want Prince Charming to ride up on his white horse and carry me off to his castle.” I settled back into the cushions, the familiar song about being breathless filling the space was particularly fitting right now. “I want it all.”

What I didn’t say out loud was how hard it was going to be for me to find a prince charming who wouldn’t run screaming when he found out about my past. What I also failed to mention was that I was very close to coming to terms with how my happily ever after might never happen.

I turned my head, peering over at him. Ben was already looking at me. “You deserve nothing less,” he whispered as he reached out and brushed the back of his hand down my cheek.

I didn’t know why Ben didn’t have a problem with my past. Was it because he’d had sex with a gazillion women? Was it because he worked in porn? I didn’t want to question it, because right now, despite knowing that things between us weren’t in the cards long-term, he was giving me something I didn’t even realize I needed.

All this time, I thought I had been searching for an orgasm, but tonight, not having sex with Ben had made it perfectly clear that what I’d been craving was a connection—an intimate, emotional connection with a man, which I had been deprived of the entire time I had been an escort.

“Thank you, Ben.”

It was nice knowing that there was at least one man who saw me, the real me, past Jade and the false persona I had constructed. Someone who wouldn’t hold against me the very thing that I had decided to do in order to save my family, in order to put myself through school.

“For what?”

I let my head fall to the side, resting my cheek against my arm that sat across the back of the couch. “For seeing me.”

Ben Lockwood had started off as a distraction, but now…

“I see you.” He brushed aside my hair, securing it behind my ear. “I see everything.”

As if those words had unlocked a new level to my emotions, I wasted no time caressing my lips over his. It took but a moment for the gentle press of our lips to turn into something more. Something needy.

I reared up, using my core to lift my body from the couch, my hand finding its way to his lap. But instead of the soft fabric of his dress pants, I found fur.

I pulled away, my breath erratic, my heart pounding against my breastbone.

There was no need to watch a romantic comedy, because right now I felt like I was living my own.

“Arnold Schwarzenegger. Time to go.” Immediately, the damn cat got up and jumped to the floor with a thud, obeying Ben as if they had been best friends for years.

I let out a small laugh but didn’t have the opportunity to let it develop, because Ben’s lips were on mine again, seeking, hungry, and reckless.

It had only taken three weeks for us to wind up in bed together, although it was a slow build and when it finally happened it was as if we’d belonged in that bed. Like we were never meant to leave.

But no matter how much I wanted him, I knew that I couldn’t have him. Not really. Not in the way that I needed. Ben Lockwood was never going to settle down. He was never going to be the type of man who would commit. Moreover, I feared that even a committed Ben Lockwood would need more than what monogamy could give him. More women for him. More men for me. More everything to keep things exciting. But that time in my life was over, and I wasn’t willing to be with a man who didn’t want me all to himself.

As soon as the cat hit the floor, I used the opportunity to straddle Ben, pressing my knees into the back of the couch. My hips swiveled and swirled, using the thick erection pressing at the front of his pants to give myself some release. His hands gripped my waist, flexing and squeezing my flesh until he found his way under my shirt; he grabbed both of my breasts and kneaded over the thin fabric of my bra.

I threaded my hands through his hair and made a fist, pulling his head back and exposing his neck. I licked a line up the chorded tendons, stopping just below his earlobe. I bit it, hard, then flicked the flesh with the tip of my tongue.

He jerked his head away. “Stand up,” he commanded.

This time, I wasn’t so eager to comply with his demands. I stared him down instead.

“You want to play games tonight? I can go find us a deck of cards.” His hands settled on my cheeks and he held my head in place, preventing me from continuing my exploration of his skin. “If you want to fuck tonight, I suggest you do as I say.”

I did want to fuck. And he knew it, which was why I had zero leverage.

I crawled off his body, standing on shaky legs in front of him. I didn’t bother fixing my clothing, knowing that it wouldn’t be on for much longer anyway. My skirt was bunched up around my waist and my shirt was secured around my breasts.

“Turn around, bend over, and put your palms on the coffee table.”

Butterflies in my stomach danced in a flurry of excitement. I sucked in a heavy breath then complied. The coffee table was a little too low, and immediately I felt the blood rush to my head.

He didn’t waste any time and ruined a perfectly good pair of expensive stockings by ripping them apart.

I wasn’t surprised that once again I was turned away from him. I had every inkling that he was going to fuck me from behind, and I knew it wasn’t because he was an ass man.

He didn’t want me to see his face. Look into his eyes. It was fine when we were kissing or touching, but as soon as there was penetration, he distanced himself. And it made me wonder if he was like that with every woman, or just me.