Remember Me Always: A Contemporary Romance (24 page)

All of my hurt and anger rushes to the surface, and I grab the first thing I can find.  It's a picture of Colton and me when we were little kids.  I throw it across the room, and the porcelain frame shatters against the wall.  Then I grab another photo of us and another and another, destroying them in the same dramatic fashion.  I reach for another photo frame, but Colton wraps his arms around me and holds my back tight up against his muscular chest.  "Do you feel better now?  Did you get it all out of you?" he hisses in my ear.

"No!" I cry, struggling to get out of his hold.

He grips me even tighter, holding me as my body is wracked with sobs and I struggle to breathe.  "I'm sorry, Penny," he whispers against my ear.  "I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be.  I'm sorry that I can't love you the way you say I did."

His words are my undoing, and I go limp in his arms.  He gently lowers me to the floor, and I sit down on the yellow and white flowered linoleum, staring through my tears at the mess in my kitchen and living room.  Photos of us are scattered amongst the pieces of porcelain and glass, and it almost seems quite fitting.  We are broken, and no amount of glue is going to fix us again.

He stands behind me, not moving.  "Penny," he whispers.

I cringe at the sound of my name on his lips.  I can't bear much more.  He has the ability to irrevocably break me with just a simple look right now.  "Please, Colt.  Get out.  I just…I really need you to go right now."

I don't breathe again until I hear the front door close and his heavy footsteps disappear down the stairs.  After he's gone, I allow myself a few deep breaths and a few more tears before picking myself up.  Then I set to work on cleaning up the mess I made literally and figuratively.

And what a mess it is.

*  *  *  *  *

COLTON

"PLEASE, COLT.  GET out.  I just…I really need you to go right now."

My chest is heavin' from emotions that I have no control over.  I stare down at her sittin' on the floor with her back towards me.  I just want to scoop her up into my arms and hold her, but I know she would probably fight me. 
Damn it.
  Why does she always have to fight me?

Instead, I reach down and pick up a picture before leavin' her apartment.  I jog down the steps and stop before walkin' into the back door to the bar.  I stare at the photo in my hands.  We look older than in the one I have at home, the picture I first looked at when Penny came back into town.  I turn it over and check for a date.  Sure enough, a date in black sharpie is scrawled on the back.  Two months before the accident.  She must have been gettin' ready to leave for college.  I turn it back over and stare at the two of us.  I look so damn happy, and it kills me a little inside.  I haven't been happy for such a long time, and the only time I've been happy is with her.

And now she fuckin' hates me.

I stare at the picture, absorbin' every detail of it.  My arm is draped around Penny, and she's pulled up close to me.  We're smilin' for the camera, and Penny has a shy look on her face that makes my heart skip an extra beat.  She looks exactly the same, if not prettier now, but I definitely gained a lot of muscle mass over the past few years due to my gruelin' gym routine.

I groan in frustration.  Why wouldn't Penny let me explain my side of things?  I would tell her the truth.  I would tell her that Ruby Sue spent the night.  She kissed me and touched me, but it was all one-sided.  We might have had sex…but I truly and honestly don't remember it.  Wouldn't I remember it?  The truth of the matter is that I don't want to have anything to do with Ruby Sue ever again. 
I want Penny.

However, on the other hand, I can understand why she's mad.  If Tucker had spent the night with her, I would be fuckin' furious…even if it was innocent. 
Shit.
  I really fucked up this time.  The only thing I can think to do is just give her time to cool off.  Then I will explain my side of things, and we can go about makin' this thing between us work.  And I seriously need to make it work.  Now that I've had a taste of Penny, she has crawled her way under my skin.  My thoughts are consumed by her.  I'm not ready to let her go yet.

Maybe not ever.

"Hey, man, what's goin' on?" Buddy asks as he steps out of the back door of the bar.

I quickly tuck the picture into my jeans pocket and shrug.  "Nothin'."

"Did you and Penny have a fight?"

I glance up at the apartment and back to him.  "You heard that?"

"I think the whole damn county heard it," he says with a smirk.  "I hope whatever she was throwin' didn't hit you in the head."  He hesitates, scratchin' his chin.  "I take that back.  Maybe it would have knocked some sense into you."

Shakin' my head, I walk past him and into the back of the bar.  "We're fine. 
It's
fine," I quickly correct.

"You two always did love to fight."

I glance back at him with a raised brow.  "Really?"

"Oh, yeah.  Your relationship was like a tornado, destroyin' everything in its path when you fought."

I stop walkin' and turn to him.  "Why the hell would I want to be in a relationship like that?" I ask.

"Because you loved each other, and that was just the way it was.  You'd fight and make up.  You never stayed mad at each other for very long.  And more often than not you were the first one to cave."

"Me?  Cave first?"  I shake my head in disbelief.

"Yeah, I know it's hard to believe given how stubborn you are now.  But you loved that girl more than anything in this world, and you knew it."  He grins and then adds, "Hell, everyone knew it."

His words cut me to the core.  I'm gettin' a sense of how much I loved Penny, because it feels like someone is rippin' my heart out of my chest right now.  I stare around the kitchen, and it makes me think of Penny.  I will drive myself crazy stayin' here tonight, wonderin' what she's doin', what she's thinkin'.  "I can't deal with this shit right now, Buddy."  Runnin' a hand through my hair, I tell him, "I'm takin' a couple nights off.  She needs to cool off before I can explain my side of things.  I just don't think we should be in the same room right now."

He frowns.  "Fine.  I'll cover for you, but you owe me."

I clasp a hand on his shoulder and give it a light squeeze.  And then I make my way back out of the bar and towards my house, the only place I can find any peace.

CHAPTER 20

PENNY

IT'S WEIRD HOW the mind works sometimes.  A week ago I truly thought I could change my life and the life of Colton.  I thought we could make it work and finally have our happily ever after.  Then I learned that happily ever afters are for suckers.  And now I've made up my mind that I'm not going to waste any more time on Colton James or silly notions that somehow everything's going to be all right.

With a new attitude on life, I pull on my Crawford's Bar tee and a pair of shorts and stand in front of the mirror, adjusting my top.  I spent the past few days thinking about my future, and I decided that I'm going to take the job up in New York for Tucker.  I can still work at the bar for a couple more months until summer is over and help out Buddy and Shelby, who are my only true friends here.  And then I'll be gone like a whisper in the wind with brighter and better things on my horizon.  At least my heart will be mostly intact when I leave…even though it already feels like it's in a million jagged pieces inside of my chest.

Frowning, I grab my purse and head downstairs to the bar.  Buddy is behind the counter, and there's no sign of Colton.  I glance around, fearful that he'll come around the corner.  I'm not ready to face him yet.  And I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

"He's not here," Buddy confirms.

I breathe out a thankful sigh.  "Good.  I don't think I could stand being in the same room with him right now."

Buddy grins and presses his lips together in a thin line.

"What?" I ask.

"Colt didn't think you two should be in the same room either."

I roll my eyes and duck under the pass-through.  I help Buddy stack glasses and get the bar ready to open.  A few stragglers are in the place already, but the real action comes after eight o'clock on a Saturday night.  After I refill a beer to one of the patrons, I turn to Buddy.  "I'm over him."

Buddy arches a brow and tilts his head.  "I think I've heard you say that before."

"No.  I mean it this time, Buddy."  Pausing and swallowing past the lump forming in my throat, I tell him, "He's not my Colt anymore.  He doesn't love me, and…I don't think he ever will again."

"Just give it time, Penny.  Time heals all wounds, or so they say."

"I'm leaving at the end of the summer, Buddy.  I'm going back to New York."  He raises his hand to protest, but I don't let him talk.  "I've already made my mind up.  I'll train Shelby Rae.  Hell, I'll even teach her how to cook and bake."

"Teach me what?" Shelby asks, walking through the front door.  She's dressed in her uniform and ready for the afternoon shift.

"Penny's goin' to New York," Buddy says, scowling.

Shelby Rae walks over to me and furrows her brows.  "To visit?"

"No.  Permanently," I admit.

Her face instantly falls.  "But you and Colt ---."

"Are over," I tell her before she can even finish her thought.

Shelby pulls me to the back room.  "What happened?"

It takes me a few minutes to gather the courage to even say the words out loud.  And when I think I'm stable enough, I tell her, "He cheated on me with Ruby Sue."

She wrinkles her nose as if Ruby Sue's name has a horrible smell attached to it.  "Are you sure?  Because that Ruby Sue's been known to spin a few lies about her love life.  That's what I've heard anyway."

"Oh, I'm sure."  I sigh and then say, "I saw them with my own two eyes."

"Havin' sex?" Shelby gasps.

"Making out," I say, correcting her.

"Okay.  So maybe they didn't ---."

"I asked, and Colt told me he doesn't remember what happened."

Shelby scoffs.  "How convenient."

"Yeah.  That's what I said."  I frown when I think of the fight that ensued soon after I took that low jab to Colt.  It's really not his fault that he has memory problems, and I feel like shit for even saying what I did.  But there's nothing I can do to take it back now, and it's not like I've seen Colt around to even tell him I'm sorry.

I grab an apron from the counter and wrap it around my waist.  "But the truth of the matter is that he kissed her, and she spent the night.  Even if they didn't sleep together, he kissed her; and it's still cheating in my book."  I pause before saying, "I don't think he was even going to tell me about it.  That's what hurts the most."

"It's cheatin' in my book, too.  That no-good sonofabitch," she says with a huff, seething.  "So now he's the reason you're going to New York?"

I hesitate.  Is Colton the only reason I'm going?  When I get right down to the nitty gritty, yes, he is the only reason.  I like Tucker, but I don't know if I could ever fall in love with him.  So I'm definitely not basing my choice on being with Tucker and getting into a relationship with him.  And being his campaign manager in New York is definitely not my dream job.  In all reality, I would much rather stay here in Alabama and cook and bake pies for the bar...with or without Colton by my side.  That kind of life might not seem like much to anybody else, but it's what I could see myself doing for the rest of my life.  At least it would make me happy.  I wasn't happy in New York.  I felt…invisible when I lived there, as if the world was still spinning around me even though I had felt like my life had come to a dead stop.  The only time I felt a sense of happiness was when I went to culinary school.  But even then I missed home.  I still felt lonely and insignificant.

"Yeah.  He's the only reason," I finally answer.

"Oh, Penny, don't let Colt drive you away from your home.  Buddy and I need you here."

I smile through my tears as I look up at her.  "I can't stay.  I can't stay and watch him get married someday and have kids with someone else."  I sniff and sigh miserably.  "It would destroy me." 
And I already feel like I'm broken beyond repair
, I think to myself.

She pulls me into her arms and lets me cry on her shoulder.  "I know it would.  But I hate to see you go."  She runs her hand up and down my back, soothing me.  "Promise me you'll come back to visit as often as you can.  We finally got back in touch, and I'd hate to lose you again."

I pull back to look her into her eyes as I say, "I promise."

Shelby nods as if satisfied with my answer.  "Good."  She cups my cheeks and uses her thumbs to wipe away my stray tears.  "Now, let's get to cookin'.  We're gonna have some hungry people in here soon, and I don't want Buddy on my ass about fallin' behind."  With a whisper and a wink, she adds, "Well, maybe I do want him on my ass, but you know what I mean."

Snickering, I toss an apron at her.  "So you and Buddy…" I start, but she doesn't let me finish.

"I don't think that will ever happen," she whispers with a shake of her head.

"You should give it a chance.  He seems to really like you, Shelby Rae."

"Oh, he's happier than a dog with two wieners that I'm back in town, but that man just won't make a move."

I bust out laughing.

"He won't!  He's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs."  She puts her hands on her hips, stomps her foot and says, "I have no idea why he's so timid around me."

I laugh so hard I snort, and that in turn makes us both crack up laughing.  I've missed Shelby and her sassy, southern mouth over the years.  I just didn't realize how much until now.

"What are you girls gigglin' about back there?" Buddy calls from the front of the bar.

"Nothin'!" we call back at the same time.  That makes us laugh even harder.

Shelby Rae walks towards the cooler, humming a country tune.  I watch her walk away and frown.  I'm really going to miss this place and the people who live in it.  I'm not ready to go back to New York, back to a world that could care less if I'm in it or not.  Alabama is my home, and I have friends and family here who love me and will miss me.

But one thing still holds true.  I won't be able to sit idly by and watch Colton move on with his life.  That would completely destroy me.

Shaking my head sadly, I start cutting up potatoes for the endless orders of fries we'll no doubt have tonight.  Even though I'm going to miss it here, I need to start focusing on my needs and what's best for me in life.  And the only solution is to get as far away from Willowbrook as possible…even if it's the only place that's ever felt like home.

*  *  *  *  *

THE NEXT MORNING I go to Colton's house.  It's early, and I know he'll still be sleeping, so I let myself inside.  I try my best to be extremely quiet as I gather all of my baking supplies from his kitchen.  I'm about halfway done when Colton comes padding into the room.  He's only wearing a loose fitting pair of dark gray sweatpants that hang way too low on his hips for me not to stare.

He rubs his sleepy eyes, and it takes him a moment to even realize I'm there.  I tear my eyes away from his perfect abs and perfect V and mutter, "Good morning."

"Mornin'," he says groggily.  He watches my actions for a few minutes before his eyes widen and he asks, "What are you doin', Penny?"

I sigh softly and then answer him.  "Taking my baking supplies to my apartment."  I really don't want to fight with him right now.  We haven't spoken since our big argument, and I'm still not ready to talk about it.

"I thought your kitchen was too small," he points out.

"It is, but I'll make it work."  I finish packing up the rest of my spatulas and a blender before attempting to lift the heavy box, which is way heavier than I expected it to be.  I struggle to lift it from the counter, but my anger and stubbornness help me haul it up in my arms.  I don't know if I'll make it to my apartment without dropping everything, but it will be worth the struggle if I can just get the hell out of here fast.

As I stumble past Colton, he reaches out and takes the box out of my arms with one hand as if it weighs nothing.  I blow a piece of stray hair away from my forehead in frustration.  I want to yell at him to give the box back, but I don't.

Colton's dark eyes focus on me, and I can see a sadness lingering behind his gaze.  "You're welcome to use my kitchen anytime you need it, Penny."

I tear my gaze away from his and glance around the room, anywhere but at him.  I feel like I'm slowly crumbling in front of him, and I can't let him see me like that ever again.  I need to stay strong.  "I just think it's better if I'm out of your way, Colt."  What I really want to tell him is I need some much-needed space.  After all that has happened, I don't know if my heart can take much more before I leave for New York.  I feel broken and so damn tired.

I hold my arms out and say, "My box, please."

He sets it down on the counter and says, "I'll bring it up to your place so you don't have to carry it up the steps."  He takes a step towards me, but I take a step back.  He frowns and then asks, "Can we talk about what happened?"

"I'm not ready to talk," I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

"When will you be ready?"

"I don't know," I answer honestly.

He sighs and rakes his fingers through his hair.  "Okay.  Just…let me know when you are."

Nodding, I leave him standing in the kitchen as I hightail it out of his house.  I make a promise to myself that that is the last time I'll ever step foot in there, but I know that's a promise I'll most likely break.  As much as I want to stay away from Colton and as much as I want to hate him, I just can't.  I love him even if he'll never love me again.  I love him even if everything in this world is telling me not to.  And that love I feel for him runs deeper than the deepest ocean.  It knows no bounds.  I just wish he felt the same way about me.

*  *  *  *  *

PENNY

IT'S LATER ON in the week when I see Tucker in the bar.  I'm by myself, and it's a slow afternoon.  "What can I get for you, Tuck?" I ask him with a forced smile.  It's not that I'm not happy to see Tuck.  In fact, I've been waiting to talk to him about New York.  I've just been so miserable lately.  Colton doesn't even come into the bar anymore.  Buddy said he's drinking a lot more, and I'm worried about him.  Even though we're not together, I don't want anything bad to happen to Colt.

"Just a glass of ice water would be fine, Penny," he says with a big grin.  "Don't worry.  I'll still tip."

"Don't be silly," I tell him while I grab a tall glass and fill it with ice.  "How have your trips to New York been going?"  He's been gone for several days, and I honestly can say I missed him.

"It's great to meet with my campaign staff and get the ball rolling on some things, but honestly I miss Alabama every time I go."  He hesitates before he finally saying, "Well, actually I only miss one thing.  You."

I set the glass of ice and a bottle of water down on the bar and glance up at Tucker.  He has that serious look on his face again, and I know exactly what he's going to say before he says it.