Risk of a Lifetime (Mills & Boon Medical) (18 page)

He took her home, left her with her mother and went back to work to face a barrage of questions.

‘She’s just under the weather,’ he said, flatly refusing to discuss it with the others, and threw himself back into work.

* * *

The GP came, at her mother’s insistence, and she was signed off for the rest of the week.

It wasn’t really necessary, not physically, but emotionally she felt as if she’d gone through the wringer.

Or a bereavement?

But it wasn’t just her baby she’d lost, it was Ed’s baby, and with it Ed himself, because without the baby to tie him to her, they’d have no need to stay in touch.

He sent her flowers. They arrived on Monday afternoon, and they made her cry. The card just said, ‘I’m sorry.’

Was he? She didn’t know, and they didn’t seem to be talking, so it was hard to be sure.

He rang her that evening, though, to ask how she was, and said Kate sent her love, but it was a very brief call and he didn’t really say anything. There was nothing to say, was there?

Tuesday was more of the same, except that she was feeling better. By Wednesday evening she was fine, apart from a crazy tendency to burst into tears.

‘Are you OK if I go for a walk?’ she asked her mother. ‘I’m going nuts.’

‘Of course. Will you be all right?’

‘I’m fine. I just need to get out and stretch my legs and get some air.’

‘Take your phone and don’t go too far. Call me if you need me.’

‘Oh, Mum. I love you.’

Her mother hugged her gently. ‘I love you, too. Take care.’

What harm could come to her that hadn’t already? Not much. Her heart was already broken, her baby was gone, the man she loved had no reason to stay with her now—what else could possibly happen?

The blast of a horn made her jump and freeze in her tracks, just as a car swerved round her and left her shaking on the edge of the kerb, stunned. What was she doing? Crossing without looking? Without even being aware? She didn’t even know where she was.

She heard running footsteps, and someone grabbed her arms.

‘Christ, Annie, I thought I was going to kill you—what were you doing? Are you all right? Did I hit you?’

Ed. It was Ed, driving home from work probably, or from Marnie’s. She closed her eyes and felt the tears slide down her cheeks as he hauled her against his chest and held her tight.

‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking.’

‘Where were you going?’

‘I don’t know. A walk.’

He kept one arm round her back and ushered her forwards. ‘Come on, get in the car, I’ll drive you home. You’re shaking all over.’

‘No. Not home. Can we go to yours?’

‘Sure.’

It was only a couple of roads away, but she probably wouldn’t have made it because her legs were so wobbly with the shock. He put the car away, led her into the house and sat her down on the sofa.

‘Are you OK? Are you sure I didn’t hit you?’

‘No, of course you didn’t—’

‘There was no of course about it! You were just about to step out into the road without looking!’ His face paled. ‘Hell, you weren’t—’

‘No, Ed, I wasn’t trying to kill myself,’ she said tiredly. ‘I just wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry I scared you.’

‘Scared me? You took years off my life!’ He stabbed his hands through his hair and let out his breath on a sharp sigh. ‘God, woman, you need a keeper.’

She tilted her head back and threw him a wry glance. ‘Are you volunteering?’

The silence was complete, broken only by the ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece and her words, hanging in the air.

Was he?

He sat down next to her as if his strings had been cut.

‘Hey, don’t look so panic-stricken, I was joking.’

He looked at her. Really looked at her. She wasn’t joking. And neither was he.

And that scared him, more than her stepping off the kerb, more than the threat of HD hanging over him. There was no way they were going to end up together while that threat was still there, now there was no baby. He fought down the regret and said the first thing that came into his head.

‘Good, because there’s no way it’s happening, especially now there’s no need for it. And I’m really sorry I got you in this mess, but maybe it’s just as well it’s ended this way.’

She stiffened.

‘Just as well? For who? For you, maybe.’

‘No! For the child. It could have inherited HD—’

‘Well, we’ll never know, will we?’ she said rawly. ‘We don’t even know if it was a possibility, but tell me this. If you had the gene, if you were to get onset of the symptoms now, would you wish you hadn’t been born? Has your life been so meaningless, so unfulfilled that there’s been no point to it?’

He frowned. ‘No, of course not, but my parents didn’t know there was a risk. We know! And it was criminally irresponsible of me not to make sure that you couldn’t conceive my child, that I couldn’t hand that defective gene on. Annie, HD is devastating—’

‘I know that, but it’s not unique! Cancer is devastating. Heart disease is devastating. Renal failure is devastating. That doesn’t mean you kill all the embryos that might develop them! A shortened life doesn’t mean it’s worthless.’

‘I never said it was, and I never suggested for a moment that you should kill our baby or harm it in any way. I just would never be able to forgive myself if it turned out that I’d passed it on.’

She sighed and sagged back against the sofa, too wrung out to deal with him and his endless denial. ‘Ed, you don’t even know if you have the damn HD gene so this entire conversation is pointless. Can you please take me home? I’m too tired to talk about this now and, anyway, there’s nothing to talk about. Not any more.’

Tears welled in her eyes, and he sighed softly and got to his feet.

‘I’m sorry. Of course I’ll take you home. Come on.’

He led her out to the car, drove her home and then went back, opened a bottle of wine and sat in the garden.

Was she right? Were they all right? His entire life was being driven by a hypothesis based on speculation. And if he only had the courage to do it, he could find out the answer.

One thing was for sure. He wouldn’t find it in the bottom of a bottle. He poured it away, cleared up the kitchen and went to bed.

CHAPTER TEN

H
E
RANG
HER
the following morning.

‘Can we talk?’

She sighed softly. She really, really didn’t want to do this again. She still felt raw, reamed out inside from so much loss, and, anyway, where was it all going? Nowhere. ‘Is there anything new to say?’

‘Yes, there is. Are you busy?’

She looked across the garden to the little playhouse where the girls were happily ‘cooking’ on their toy stove. Her mother was hanging washing on the line, and she turned to Annie.

‘Go,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m fine with the girls. Go and talk to him.’

She wasn’t at all sure she wanted to, but he seemed to have something he wanted to say to her. Maybe—

No. She crushed the little flicker of hope.

‘OK. Shall I come round?’

‘No, I’ll pick you up in ten minutes.’

He hung up, and she stared at the phone in annoyance. Autocratic—

‘He’s coming in ten minutes. I suppose I ought to change.’

‘Well, unless you’re going out in your pyjamas.’

She gave a hollow little laugh and took herself off for the fastest shower on record. Her hair was fine, she’d washed it last night while she’d stood in the shower and cried with frustration.

Jeans, she thought. Jeans and a linen top. Loose and comfortable and pretty. Not that pretty mattered. She was done trying to appeal to Ed Shackleton.

There was no time for fancy make-up. She put on a spritz of perfume, a quick flick of mascara and some concealer under her eyes, a touch of lipgloss and she was good to go.

He was waiting outside with the lid down, propped on the side of the car with his ankles crossed and his arms folded. He had a soft cotton shirt on with jeans, and a navy sweater slung over his shoulders, the arms tied loosely round his neck. He looked good enough to eat, and she despised herself for being so easily impressed.

He wasn’t smiling, though. He pushed himself away from the car and walked towards her slowly, shoving his hands in his pockets. ‘Hi. How are you?’

‘I’m all right. I’ve been better.’

He frowned, and nodded slightly in acknowledgement. ‘Do you need a sweater?’

‘I don’t know. Do I? Where are we going?’

‘I’m not sure. Maybe Cambridge.’

‘Cambridge?’

‘It all depends.’ He didn’t say on what, but she sensed it was important so she went back inside, asked her mother if she’d be all right for the rest of the day with the girls, picked up a jumper and went back out.

‘OK, I’m all yours.’

‘Right, let’s go for coffee.’

Coffee? She’d thought they were going to Cambridge? Apparently not, or not yet. He opened the door for her, shut it after she was in and slid behind the wheel.

They drove down to the new restaurant that had opened on the front, the one her mother and Marnie had gone to, and sat outside at one of the tables overlooking the sea.

‘Lovely day again. Have you had breakfast?’

‘Cereal, but I can always eat cake, if that’s what you’re asking.’

He smiled for the first time, ordered two cappuccinos and a slice each of the carrot and lemon drizzle cakes because she couldn’t decide, and then propped his elbows on the table and frowned down at his hands. His fingers were linked, and he was moving them restlessly, as if he was trying to work out what to say and didn’t know where to start.

‘Ed, spit it out.’

He dropped his hands, sat back and gave a wry laugh. ‘Is it so obvious?’

‘Well, you rang and said you wanted to talk. I assumed you didn’t just want to talk about the weather and my breakfast.’

‘No.’ His smile wry, he glanced around, but they were alone.

Neutral territory, she realised with a moment of insight.

‘OK. If you were still pregnant—if you hadn’t—’

He broke off, unable to say it, but she finished the sentence for him.

‘If I hadn’t lost the baby?’ She gave a fractured little laugh and looked out to sea. ‘Lost,’ she said idly. ‘What kind of a word is that? It makes it sound so careless, as if I didn’t look after it. Mislaid it somewhere.’ She looked back at him and glimpsed a fleeting pain in the back of his eyes, quickly masked. ‘So, anyway, if I hadn’t “lost” the baby, what?’

He frowned, his brows crunching briefly together. ‘If you hadn’t, if you were still pregnant, how would you see this panning out?’

She gave another desperate little laugh and looked up at him. ‘I have no idea. Us together, making a home and a family with my girls and our little one? Hardly. It’s way too unlikely and we both know it wasn’t going to happen. You’ve got your life to live, and you’re determined to do it your way, and now there’s nothing stopping you.’

Nothing, he thought, except the fact that he loved her much, much more than he would have dreamed possible. Much more than he loved anyone else in the world, himself included. Next to hers, his own needs paled into insignificance. And because of that, he threw a little more honesty into the mix.

‘When I thought you might be pregnant, I decided that if you found you were, I’d make an appointment with the genetic counsellor.’

She stared at him. ‘Really?’

‘Yes. Really. I decided that if you were going to have my child, I had to know if I’d inherited that defective gene, and whether or not it had expanded, whether or not I might have handed on a time bomb to my child. I realised I couldn’t live the rest of my life in suspense, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It wasn’t fair on you, on the child, on me.’

She nodded slowly, then her mouth twisted into a sad little smile. ‘Well, you don’t have to worry about it now.’

‘No. I don’t. Except I think maybe I do. It made me realise what Marnie feels about me, and what my brother feels. That horrible suspense, the thing hanging over them. I’ve been ignoring it for years, blanking it out, running away from it, but they couldn’t blank it out and ignore it because they felt guilty, my brother because he hasn’t inherited it, and Marnie because she might have been responsible for handing it on to me through my father. And I don’t want them to feel like that any longer.’

‘Wow. That’s quite a decision. So are you going to ask for the result?’

‘Yes. I think so. I’m sick of running. I want to know, now. I didn’t think it affected my future, I hadn’t let myself think about it, but of course it does, and it could change everything.’ Including his relationship with her, but he didn’t want to raise that until he knew, one way or the other. ‘I need to know.’

Her eyes didn’t waver, but she nodded slowly. ‘And when you get your result, if you have the faulty gene, if it’s expanded, will you tell them then? Your family?’

He frowned down at his hands. Stupidly, he hadn’t thought of that. ‘I don’t know. Depends how bad it is. How many repeats.’ He gave a hollow laugh. ‘I’m doing it partly because Marnie wants reassurance, but it hadn’t even occurred to me I might just make it worse for her.’

She leant forward, concerned for him even though she felt so battered by his decision-making process and the effect it had had on their relationship. ‘You don’t have to do it, you do know that, don’t you? Not for me, not for them, not for anyone but yourself. It has to come from you.’

He nodded. ‘It is coming from me. This time.’

‘So are you going to make an appointment?’

‘I’ve got one. They had a cancellation at two this afternoon, in Cambridge. That’s why I’m going.’

Wow. He really intended to do it. No wonder he looked so tense. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

He met her eyes searchingly. ‘Would you?’

‘If you want me to, of course I will.’

‘Two cappuccinos, lemon drizzle and carrot cake?’

She leant back, smiled at the waiter and waited for him to leave before going on.

‘I don’t have to come in with you. I can wait outside, or in the car. Whatever. Your call.’

He nodded. He clearly hadn’t made up his mind yet about that, but that was fine. If she went with him, he had the option. If she didn’t go with him, he didn’t.