River's Escape (River's End Series, #2) (28 page)

Erin sighed. “I told Jack about that.”

“You what?”

“Not the sex part. Just the going up there part. He was surprised and said neither he nor Ian had been back there since.”

“Since when?”

“The last time they were all there together was with their dad. Two days later, their parents were killed in the car wreck. Why again did he take you there?”

She squeezed the phone in her hand and tears filled her eyes. “He said… he told me he thought I might like the pretty views. I wanted to take pictures and he said I could take a lot of them up there.”

Erin was silent. Then she added, “Well, I’m sure you’ll someday find someone else who’s willing to do something like that for you.”

Her eyes popped open. Was Erin irritated with her? “You told me to get out of there. Don’t you remember? You said not to let anything stop me.”

Erin blew a sigh into the phone. “I did. But I guess I didn’t realize how much he loves you. I didn’t know until I saw that kiss he gave you on Christmas Eve. That was not an Ian thing to do, especially in front of us. That was him, too overcome with emotion about me and Jack so he expressed it through you. And to you.”

“He never said he loved me.”

“Yes, he did. Just as clearly as Jack said it to me that night.”

“What do you think? I should just quit school and come back home and keep house for you all again?” Her scathing tone conveyed how agitated she was at hearing the truth of Erin’s words. But still, she refused to be a housekeeper for the rest of her life. That resolution was as real as her feelings about Ian.

“Why can’t you do both? I never dreamed you two would just break it off without even a postcard of contact. That’s weird, Kailynn. Jesus, just call him. Text him. Email him. The choices are endless… just freaking make some contact with him. You get my point.”

“What? Actually I don’t get what you’re saying. I should be here, or there? Am I a heartless bitch for not seeing how Ian braved his childhood misery, and all so I could see something pretty? Or am I a loser because I still want the boy from my hometown and I can’t seem to let go of him, even though I’m living the dream I always thought I wanted?”

Erin’s laugh was appreciative. “Honestly? I don’t know. I think I might have screwed up. I cornered Ian a few months back and told him to let you go. I insisted he had to do that. I just thought you needed to get out of here, and follow your dreams. But, Lynnie? What if I did it only because I wanted you to do what I could never do?”

“You talked to Ian?”

Erin was silent, but finally, in a small voice said, “I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. Remember how badly you didn’t want to be a housekeeper and waitress here?”

“I know. I do want this. I like being here. I just like him too.”

“Call him. Maybe you should tell him.”

“Is he there?”

“I don’t know. He comes and goes, keeping his own hours. You know that.”

“Has Odette Mason been around there?”

Erin’s voice was weird. “Why would Mrs. Mason come over here?”

“Because that’s the woman he sleeps with when I’m not available,” she admitted. She threw her arm over her eyes. Maybe she should not have been telling Erin that. Wasn’t it supposed to be kept a secret? Her buzzed brain instantly regretted having loose lips.

“Wow. Uh. Okay. Ian has not shocked me of late. But still waters and all that…”

“Still waters run deep? Yeah, that’s definitely Ian. He’s an enigma, a mystery, I can never totally figure out. I can’t imagine even a lifetime would be long enough to get him totally figured out.”

Erin’s silence grew heavy. Kailynn thought maybe she’d said something profound. “What?” she finally muttered.

“Sometimes, I think alcohol answers our questions by showing us the truth. Go to sleep, Lynnie. We’ll talk later.”

She thought that was the best idea, but she couldn’t stop thinking about the lake. Being there on that gilded, fall afternoon, when he so sweetly, and so perfectly touched her and made her feel things no boy ever could. He didn’t maul her, acting all clueless and stupid, using a dirty mattress that was slept on by dozens of other students. He took her to the most beautiful, cleanest spot on earth and made her feel like sex was the most natural and pure act a woman could share with a man.

Was it any wonder she shunned the drunken frat boys, who could only remotely hope to be with her?

****

The county permits finally came through and the Rydells had zoning approval to start building the cabins, come the spring thaw. They had to jump through one hoop after another, but Ian was actually grateful for that because it kept him so busy. He knew it would go fast once they got started. He, Jack, AJ, Caleb and Jordan planned to hit it like a thunderbolt. Ian got the plans and materials reproduced and onsite.

However, none of it meant a damn to him anymore. He could have cared less about it. All it provided was something to do. Something that prevented him from staring at the house he now hated. Previously, there was never a time when he’d walk in and Kailynn would not be there. Even before they hooked up, her presence was a regular thing, and he always made sure he saw her almost daily. He ate at the café so often, he had a running tab. And all to see Kailynn.

He missed her. He had to admit he did. He expected he would. He tried to shut his head down from remembering sexy images of her, along with memories of their conversations. Ian searched in vain for that cold, calculating side of him that helped him handle his parents’ untimely death, and later, Lily’s. It wasn’t like the Rydells hadn’t gotten used to tragedy. Perhaps that was the reason why, for so many years, they preferred living together, long past the time when they should have. It was hard to let go when everything they cherished most had already been ripped away from them.

Joey came home for a few days and it felt like the house and ranch returned to life again. Even Ian didn’t realize how much he missed his younger brother. Joey had the goodness, exuberance, and fun that he and Jack lacked. Joey was the youngest and still acted like it. He brought with him a youthful joy that the rest of them lost long ago. He still hadn’t acquired the hard edges that Ian, Jack, and Shane possessed. Maybe that was because he never really remembered their parents. Or his grief. He only knew Jack and Lily as his primary caregivers. Perhaps, that made him softer, and more trusting, and more open to the world. Joey’s energy and innocence helped to lighten everyone’s mood. But Joey couldn’t stay longer than a week whenever he came to visit.

It was the first time in Ian’s life he hated being at the ranch. The ranch was always his home. He always had a lot to do, of his own choosing. And a freedom most men envied. He always had the independence and freedom that Kailynn now sought.

He thought about calling her daily. But all he could picture was her groaning to herself on the other end, and tapping her foot, anxious to get off the phone and return to her new and exciting life. A life without horses, ranches, farms, small towns, and cowboys. Her new life should have been the only thing she ever wanted. Why would she want to be anchored by the man who embodied everything she was trying to get away from?

Then, one random night, Ian’s phone rang while he was driving. It was Kailynn’s ring tone, so he pulled off the road and grabbed it immediately. Glancing at the clock on his dash, he saw it was one in the morning. His heart cramped in his chest with fear.

“Are you all right?” he demanded without any preamble.

Silence, then she muttered, “Uh. Yes.”

“Why are you calling so late?”

She sighed right into her receiver. He waited, and she finally replied, “What are you doing out so late? Did you go back and see Odette?”

Her voice sounded very off. Weird. Accusational. She called just to accuse him of what? Being a single guy? He was allowed to have sex with whomever he chose. Her tone was louder than usual, and her words sounded loose and a bit off. “How did you know I was out?”

“Erin said you weren’t home.”

“Do you and Erin often discuss my hours and where I am?”

“No we pretend you don’t exist.”

“What’s different about tonight? Why are you calling?”

“I don’t know. I’m drunk. I… miss you.”

His breath caught and he stared into the dark night around him as he leaned his head against the steering wheel.

“Ian? Did you hear me?”

“I heard you.”

“Don’t you miss me?”

“Yes. But what good does it do to talk about it?”

“I don’t know. I just know I miss you. Do you ever think we might have made a mistake?”

He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the headrest. “Every day,” he finally muttered and heard her breath catch.

“I tried to have sex tonight.”

The stab of jealousy was sharp. “Please, spare me the details.”

“I pretended to pass out so he’d just leave. And he did. It wasn’t… it was nothing like you and me. It didn’t go very far.”

“Do you want me to say I’m glad? Or I’m sorry? I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want this to be easier. I want to forget about you. I want to be completely here, all of me, even my heart. But it’s partly still in River’s End… with you.”

“And that’s why we ended it. You’ll forget about me soon enough. You’re just drunk and it seems worse than it really is.”

“I don’t think so,” she answered quietly. “Maybe… maybe you should just marry me. We’ll live in your house. I’ll cook and clean, I always did anyway, and we’ll have a bunch of kids and I’ll…”

“Grow to hate me, and leave like your mother left your father. No, I’m not going to marry you, Kailynn.”

She sighed. “I know. Sometimes it seems like the best fantasy.”

“It’s not.”

“Why don’t you ever call me?”

“It hurts too much.”

“I know. I can’t let you go. Not like I thought I could.”

“But you like it there?”

“I love it. I love school. I love living here. I just miss
you.
”

His heart sank for this had to go down as it did. “Go to bed. Sleep it off. You’ll remember why you’re there in the morning. And in the future, please don’t call me about sex, failed or otherwise. It’s not fair.”

He could hear her sniffling. She was crying. “None of this feels fair.”

“Good night, Lynnie.”

“You only call me that when you’re trying to pretend I don’t mean that much to you.”

“I’m hoping one day it will work.”

“Has it?”

He hesitated, tapping his hand against the steering wheel. Should he tell her the truth? Or save face? Finally, he did the only thing he could: he told her the truth. “No, it hasn’t.”

“Do you see other women?”

“Never.”

“I think I fell in love with you.”

“I think you probably did too,” he agreed. She sniffed again.

“You let me go for my own good, right?”

“Do you actually doubt that?”

“No.” She sighed. “Will you talk to me? Tonight? Will you talk to me for awhile?”

Against his better judgment, he sat on the side of the road and kept talking to Kailynn until after two o’clock in the morning, when the alcohol ultimately got the better of her.

When she phoned the next day, and the next, and the following week, he fought to resist the temptation to answer.

The first cold thing he ever did to her was make her leave River’s End without barely a word of protest. This was the second coldest thing he’d ever done to her, and by far, the hardest.

KAILYNN FINISHED OUT THE year and ended up doing summer school so that when she started again in the fall, she’d officially be a sophomore.

She had not seen her dad or her brothers since last January. Or Ian either. She missed all of them and was even starting to almost miss River’s End. Hitching a ride with a friend, who lived in Spokane, Kailynn decided to go home for a few weeks between summer and the start of the fall quarter. She was dropped off at her trailer and just stood there holding her stuff. The small, dumpy trailer that housed her family looked the same. Same ratty lawn. Same broken down cars scattered out past the shed and shops. The members of her family were kind of low class and messy. No denying that. She realized in a nanosecond that she didn’t miss this place. It was ugly and her memories of feeling trapped and small, and waking up with dread each day immediately filled her heart. No wonder she always dreamed of getting away.

The thing was: she was right. She didn’t belong there. She didn’t want to live like that. But she intended to visit her family without telling them that. She found a new affinity with them she never had before, and it lightened her heart. When she walked through the door, they were all thrilled to see her.

Her dad still stayed in bed most of the day and the trailer was a sight. Obviously, no one cleaned or touched the dishes. It was rather disgusting. But even that discovery couldn’t alter Kailynn’s mood. Her dad was so happy to have her home, he got out of bed when she walked in and stood up to hug her. Tears filled her eyes at the unprecedented response from him, and his unexpected celebration of her presence inside the trailer. He patted her shoulder and told her again that he loved her. They parted and sat down to eat dinner together. He gossiped all about the goings on in the neighborhood as if he actually experienced it, when really, he only got it second hand from her brothers. She was reassured to see her brothers kept working and seemed to be taking decent care of Dad. She spent the evening with her brothers and dad. It was one of the better times she remembered spending with them. It wasn’t until the next day that she had her dad to herself.

He noticed her eyeing him up, and said, “Yup, I look a smidgeon better. Brothers aren’t as nice as you though. They won’t do certain things for me, so I finally had to figure them out.”

Her mouth twisted in shock. Was she the factor that hindered his progress? It never occurred to her that she could do that to him. Sure, she knew he kept her from entering a real life, but learning her continuous care actually allowed him to stay sicker than he really was made her heart ache. She only intended to help him.

After a long moment, her father added, “You know, you’re nothing like her.”

“Like who, Dad?”

“Your mother. You wouldn’t do the things she did. It wasn’t this place that got to her, Kailynn, it was her personality. It was me she wanted to leave, not River’s End. She never loved me, honey. She got pregnant and stayed for as long as she could. You don’t have to punish yourself, or that boy, because of what she was.”

Her mouth popped open but no sound came out. Her father had never once said such a thought-provoking statement. Tears filled her eyes.

“Her bitterness made her leave.”

“It did, sweetie.”

“I think I have some of that in me.”

“Well, I don’t. I think you never had one atom of her bitterness inside you. You took care of me, the boys, and this place, and never once did you run away from it. You obviously don’t want this particular life, but perhaps you might consider some kind of variation of it, one that allows for Ian. If you want to start something with Ian, you should. Don’t run away from it because you think you’ll end up doing what your mom did. That’s not you, sweetie. That’s her. That was our relationship, not yours. She left me when I got hurt, and you would never leave unless you were unhappy. You don’t run away from a hard time. I want you to do whatever you want, but do it for all the right reasons. She left you when you was way too young a girl. I know it was confusin’ for you, and I never knew what to say, or how to fix that part. Just make sure whatever decisions you decide on you are making them for the right reasons.”

Ian.
She thought, and dreamed, and longed for him today every bit as much as the day she left River’s End. She never believed she could have him, and the new life she was trying to form. But for what reasons? Was it fear? Fear of being like her mother, who ruthlessly abandoned her family? Maybe, her dad was right, and she wasn’t like that.

That quickly, and that easily, her father’s words released some kind of knot in her chest. Her lifelong fear of growing up to be just like her mother; and hurting someone else, just like her mother hurt her was formed during her teens and pervaded her thinking despite her now being a grown woman. She wanted some kind of a guarantee that she’d never do that. But such guarantees don’t exist. No one ever gets that kind of assurance in life.

It was such a simple and such a profound epiphany: maybe she could have Ian, and not turn out to act like her mother. Why had she been so sure she would turn bitter and leave just because Ian was a rancher? Or that Ian lived in River’s End? His lifestyle somewhat resembled her dad’s. But she and Ian were not her parents. Ian was not her dad. And she was not her mother. And how come it took until she was standing in her dad’s trailer for her to understand it?

She was anxious to go suddenly, to the Rydells’ house. To Ian. She could not wait another moment, or second to see him. She survived all this time away from him, but now that she was back, she had to see him at once. Why? For months, they didn’t speak because it was “for the best.” But now that she was back, she couldn’t think of anything in the world she wanted to do more than that.

“Go. You act like you’re going to pee your pants,” her dad grumbled at her.

“Really? You don’t mind?”

“Sure, I do. But I also know you can’t stop young love. I remember it well. I remember the all-consuming feelings. Go on, see your man.”

“Why do you say that?”

“’Cause as much as it pains me to admit, I knew you wouldn’t come back here for me. It’s for him.”

“Do you mind?”

“No. ‘Cause maybe you’ll come and see me too every once in awhile.” She kissed her dad’s, wrinkled forehead, finding it hard to imagine him being young and feeling anything, like being impatient, or in love, or even having fun. But she could picture Ian being those things. She could picture growing old with Ian and still feeling all those things.

She left the trailer and eagerly hurried out onto the porch. Releasing her breath as if she’d just been freed from a year in jail, she resolved, that no matter what life brought her, whether that be success or disappointment, she would never end up crippled and rotting in a ratty trailer. She loved her dad, but she could never accept his kind of life.

The real reason she always stayed with her dad and looked after him was because he had always stayed with her. Unlike her mother, he never abandoned her, and never, not even for one moment, was unhappy to have her with him.

She nearly ran on the trail down the hill to the ranch; then stopped dead and stared at the spread before her. It looked like a giant quilt, tucked in from one horizon to the next. Acres of green fields met brown, and she could see the cleared-off spots, and the speckles of majestic horses. The sun was tilted in the sky and nearly blinded her with its brilliance, and the sky was blue and went on forever. The spot was magnificent and one she’d stared at her entire life, but never appreciated as much as she did just then. Was that simply because she wasn’t living there? She wasn’t trudging there to work, and staring at the horizon while wondering what life was like beyond the mountains. Did her sudden appreciation rise simply because she was visiting? Was this really a great place to be from? That’s kind of what it felt like.

She started down the hill, and crossed the dirt road, rushing down the long driveway until she stood on the porch before the front door. She rarely used the front door in the old days, but now that she didn’t work there anymore, she only hoped someone would spot her. The place looked dead. She knocked, but no one answered. Her heart dipping in disappointment, she turned toward the barns. No one. She went further down the road and saw the new buildings. There were ten of them, each one a perfect, miniature cabin and all of them sharing a driveway that was separate of the one the Rydells’ used. Perched on the cliff above the river, the outstanding views included the mountains and the town of River’s End across the river. There was a long, staircase down to a beach. It was a different beach from the one downriver, which was the Rydells’ private stretch of coastline. Her heart tripped when she saw that Ian had done something pretty magnificent. It was a beautiful location and the small, dollhouse cabins beckoned her, making her want to retreat inside one of them.

She turned and headed down the road when she heard some noise. Past the barns and alfalfa fields was a large, tree-filled spot that eventually led to their private beach. The noise she heard was a hammer pounding. A brand new structure had recently been erected there. It was a two-story house and someone was pounding plywood onto the roof tresses. Putting her hand up to block the sun, her heart quickened.
Please, let it be Ian,
she thought to herself.

Her heart dipped when she recognized Jack. He stopped hammering and stood up. He waved at her before going to the ladder and quickly coming down towards her. He gave her a big hug and she smiled at his sincerity. “Lynnie, it’s so nice to see you here.”

“Aren’t you supposed to tie off every time so you don’t fall off the roof?”

He grinned and winked, “Don’t tell any OSHA inspectors, okay? I kinda cheat sometimes. Got to get it done. We hope to move in before winter comes.”

“This is your house?”

His chest expanded as he stood taller and proudly declared, “It is.”

Where was Ian’s?
Jack’s gaze was focused on her. “Uh, you know Ian isn’t here, right?”

“What do you mean ‘he isn’t here?’ Where is he?”

“Up in the mountains.”

“By himself?”

“Yeah. Don’t you realize the date?”

“The date?”

“He usually goes up there this time year, his memorial to our parents, I think. I used to, but things have gotten so busy, and my family needs me here.”

“Last year? What date was that? When did they die?”

Jack’s gaze grew piercing at her sudden growing interest in his answer. “Uh, the fifteenth. Why?”

The day she lost her virginity. Her heart hurt more. She never realized who she was dealing with and what he actually gave her. “You have to take me there.”

Jack scratched his head. “Where? Where do you have to be taken?”

“To Ian up in the mountains. He can’t be alone. I need to get there, and you’re the only one who can take me there.”

“Lynnie, it’s a ten-mile ride in.”

“I know what it is. You have to take me. Please, Jack?”

“Depends. Are you going to break his heart and leave again?”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just know I have to get there. I can’t do it without you. Please…”

He groaned and nodded. “All right. But for the record, if he has my balls over this, I’m holding you fully responsible.”

She followed Jack eagerly as he started to clean up the site, carefully putting his tools and materials away. She was nearly falling over herself for Jack to hurry so they could get going. He finally turned and gripped her by the shoulders. “Lynnie, hon, we can’t leave tonight. We’ll pack up and all, but we can’t leave until the morning. It’s too late now.”

She nearly screamed out loud. She had waited so long, and now it felt intolerable to wait until tomorrow. Jack’s gaze searched her face. He nodded. “I see. So you’re not breaking his heart. All right, go get some clothes packed. Replicate whatever you brought last year. Can you do that?”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’ll get things ready on my end, and you’ll stay at the house tonight. Don’t worry; we’ll get you up there.” She demonstrated her gratitude by throwing her arms around him. He patted her back and sent her away. She started towards the main house without a backwards glance.

That night, she slept in Ian’s bed and pressed her head on his pillow. She sniffed it, long and deep, and relished the smell, the essence of Ian. She suddenly felt closer to Ian, safer, and calmer just being there. When Jack knocked on her door at four the next morning, she was already dressed and eager to go. She packed exactly how Ian had taught her. Jack took her stuff and headed out. Grabbing some coffee, she saw Erin with a robe on, who stumbled out and squeezed her hand with a smile.

She and Jack didn’t talk much. Her head was so full and anxious that civil conversation became too much to figure out. At the trailhead, she was far more adept than last year. She helped Jack without him having to ask her. They only had to saddle two horses. She planned to take in everything on her horse. A sleeping bag and pad would have to suffice. Jack intended to drop her off there and return the same day so they had to get an early start. Jack was whistling and seemed supportive at helping her ambush Ian like that.

They came up on the camp after only a four-hour ride. Her heart clenched. Her stomach churned and felt like a pit of worry and excitement. She thought she might vomit. As they dipped down to the creek and back up into the camp, her heart and lungs felt ready to explode from anticipation and nerves… Then… nothing. The camp was empty. It looked the same as last year, but there were no horses and no Ian.