Saved By You (24 page)

What is there to disrupt?

It wasn’t long before Aunt Denise came back with both Uncle Larry and Sarah. They rushed to Mom’s side, both looking frantic. Sarah slumped against me, burying her face into my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, Maggie. I’m so sorry,” she cried. I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in tight. My own tears kept falling—splashing down onto my shirt. But, I wasn’t hysterical. If anything, I felt more at peace than I had when I’d woken up.

It had happened. It was done.

There wasn’t anything left to worry about.

One of the Hospice workers came to pronounce the official time of death. She was the same lady that had helped with the catheter bag and the morphine. She listed the time of death as 4:33 PM. But I knew better.

Slowly, family started trickling in to the house as they heard about what happened. I sat next to Mom the entire time, not wanting to leave her side until I absolutely had to. More than a few of them tried to hug me, and told me that everything was going to be alright. What did they know?

I watched with a sense of detachment and noticed how sad everyone looked—as though they had suffered some great loss. Annoyance tickled me, and I wanted to remind them that they hadn’t been close to her. They hadn’t been there for all of the bad things that had happened. They hadn’t been there in the hospital with her after my father had drank even more than he usually did. They hadn’t seen just how badly he’d broken her, and they hadn’t seen the strength it had taken to pull herself up, and put herself back together.

What did they know about the loss that had just happened?

I let some more tears fall, and tried to ignore everyone around me. I knew they were just being kind, but I didn’t want any of their sympathies. They were family, but they were still strangers. I just wanted to sit quietly next to my mom while I still could.

Eventually the coroner showed up, and took Mom away. I felt a new emptiness when she was gone. She wanted to be cremated, so as I watched as the coroner drive away, I knew I would never see her again.

The family spent the night huddled together. Everyone was laughing and telling happy stories about Mom. They told me stories from when she was little that I’d never heard before. I felt guilty for laughing along with them. I wasn’t supposed to be laughing only hours after my mother passed away, was I?

That night, I called Haden and told him what had happened. He said he was going to rush right over, but I told him not to. I told him that I was going to spend time with family. We promised to catch up the next day.

The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t ready to see him. With Mom gone, it finally settled in that I had to be responsible for myself. Everything I’d done before—telling myself that I had to be an adult, that I had to grow up—had just been a warm up for the real thing. Well, there wasn’t time for warming up, anymore. I had to start talking the talk, and walking the walk.

That walk included Haden. I needed to figure out what I was going to do about him.

I loved him. It was undeniable. But the decision I had to make wasn’t so easy. I had to consider his side of things, too. The fact of the matter was, I was going off to college in the fall, and Haden had a music career that was on the verge of exploding. Our relationship was going to get a lot more difficult before it got any easier.

Wasn’t the smart decision to break things off before I got myself even more tangled up? Wasn’t it easier to just play it safe and keep my distance?

But, I didn’t know if I could do that, either.

Aunt Denise handled all of the arrangements for Mom. She set up a memorial service at the church, and was quick to tackle anything that came up. The busied pace with which she approached everything reminded me of Uncle Larry. Maybe that was her way of handling her grief?

Grandma sat around looking sullen most of the time. Ever since we’d been in Green Falls, she’d spent every waking moment with Mom. Now that she was gone, Grandma looked lonelier than anything else. I sat with her a few times, though we didn’t say much. She asked me if I was excited about going off to college, and then immediately apologized for being rude and bringing it up.

I wasn’t sure what to think about college. I had been so excited to move into the city—but that was when I thought I was going to have Mom in Jersey in case I needed anything. Now, being in the city meant I was going to be thousands of miles from the nearest family. What would I do if something went wrong?

I tried not to focus on it too much. I still had a few months before college was going to be something I had to confront. For now, I just wanted to have some peace and quiet. I just wanted to sit and read a book, or maybe watch a movie—anything to take my mind away from everything that was going on.

The memorial service was held a few days later, on a Saturday. There was a little gathering that met at the house beforehand, and then we all went over to the church together. I rode with Sarah in her Volvo, and, as we pulled up to the church, my jaw dropped. Both Haden and Kyle were standing out front.

They were both wearing nice suits, and looked impeccable. Neither of them looked like the rock stars that they were. Sarah gave me a confused look when she saw them.

“Did you know they were going to be here?” she asked. I shook my head. She gave me a soft smile. “Well, it’s sweet of them to come.”

My eyes locked on Kyle. I would never accuse Kyle of being cheery, but he had a particularly sour look on his face that morning.

“I hope it stays that way,” I said.

We climbed out of her little Volvo, and headed off toward them.

I’d given the situation a lot of thought over the last few days. I told Haden that I had just been busy spending time with the family, but, really, I was trying to figure out what to do about him. Sarah knew everything that was going on, too. I had hoped she would be able to give me some advice—but she was as torn on the whole situation as I was. And, after hours of thinking things through, I’d come to the only conclusion that I could—I had no idea what to do.

I needed to talk it over with Haden. I had to lay the cards bare, and let him make a call. I knew it would be putting him in a tough spot—making him choose either his career or me—but I didn’t see any other way.

“Good morning,” he said as Sarah and I climbed the steps to the church.

“Good morning,” I said back.

I leaned toward him and pecked him on the lips. He smelled heavenly.

Kyle dug his hands into his pockets and gave me a stern look. There was a storm playing across his face, and I could already tell what was on his mind.

Sarah gave them both a wave, and Haden returned it.

“I’m surprised to see you here,” I said. “You didn’t have to come.

“I wanted to pay my respects,” he said. “I didn’t think you’d mind us dropping by.”

“Not at all,” I said. I turned to Kyle and gave him a stiff smile. “Kyle…” I said by way of greeting.

He flashed a tight-lipped smile, but said nothing. The smile was gone as fast as it had appeared.

“We should probably get in there,” I said. “I don’t want to hold anything up.”

He gave me a sideways look. “I don’t think they’re going to start anything without you,” he said.

My cheek twitched as I went to push past him. He put a hand on my arm, stopping me.

“You’ll have to go on without me,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“I promised someone I would do something,” he said.

“That sounds awfully mysterious,” I said. He shrugged, but didn’t elaborate. “Okay,” I went on. “Well, I’m sure I’ll be in the front row. Come find me.”

“I will,” he said.

Sarah and I pushed forward into the tiny lobby of the church. I was surprised when I realized that Kyle had followed us in, and Haden waited outside. I gave him a look.

“Can we talk?” he said, his voice low.

His eyes flitted over to Sarah, who looked as confused as I felt.

“We can talk in front of her—she knows everything going on,” I said.

He gave her a suspicious look, but then nodded.

“You haven’t talked to him yet, have you?” he said, his voice flat. It was more a statement than a question.

I waved a hand. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been a little preoccupied.”

A look of annoyance flashed on his face, but it quickly vanished.

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

The sincerity in his voice caught both Sarah and I off guard. I’d had a hundred people tell me that over the last few days, and I still didn’t know how to handle it. But I’d never expected to hear it from Kyle.

“It’s fine,” I said, dismissively. I stared at him for another long second. “What did you have to say?” I prompted. I tilted my head toward the entrance to the assembly area. “I really need to get in there.”

He fixed me with a stern look, then shook his head.

“I got a call this morning,” he said. “It’s done.”

I stared at him for a long second. “What do you mean?”

He shook his head. “The tour,” he said. “We’re off.” My stomach did flips and tried to sink to the floor.
The Believers
were off the tour? Because Haden had stayed behind to be with me?

My mouth worked, but nothing came out. I didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry,” I managed.

Kyle gave another jerk of his head. “It’s not
your
fault,” he said.

I eyed him for a second, before I realized what he was saying.

“You’re not blaming Haden are you?” I said.

He cocked an eyebrow and fixed me with a look. But it didn’t last long before he blew out a sigh. He shrugged a shoulder.

“It’s neither here nor there at this point,” he said. “What’s done is done.”

“But, what does it mean for the band?” I asked.

Kyle’s eyes softened.

“The band’s taking a vote in a couple days,” he said.

My stomach twisted up even tighter.

“A vote?” I said—but, I knew what he was talking about.

Kyle nodded. “If Haden’s not there—he’s out of the band.”

My eyes went wide, and Sarah grabbed my arm, shocked. I didn’t know what to say.

“What did he say about it?” I asked.

Kyle shook his head. “I didn’t tell him.”

“Well, why not?” I asked.

“Because I’m afraid of what he’ll say,” he said, his voice low but sharp. “He’s my best friend. We’ve sacrificed blood, sweat, and tears to get where we are—and I’m not ready to have him throw it all away for a girl he barely knows.”

My back arched. “He knows me better than you think,” I said.

Kyle’s face went soft again. He held his palm up, placating.

“I’m not going to argue with you,” he said. “It’s on you, now—just try to keep in mind everything he’s worked for.”

With that, Kyle disappeared into the assembly area. Sarah and I stood in the lobby staring at each other. She gave me a worried look.

“That’s awful,” she said. I nodded. “What are you going to do?”

I blew out a long sigh and thought about it.

What
was
I going to do?

What I had thought would be a small memorial service turned into something much larger. The turnout was way more than I expected—but that didn’t bother me. I sat in the front pew with Grandma, Aunt Denise, Sarah, and Uncle Larry. The rest of our family was spread throughout the pews—many of them I’d seen at the little gathering a week earlier.

A small table was setup in front of the steps leading up to the tabernacle. On it was a portrait of Mom. It was a professional photo she’d had done a few years earlier for one of her jobs. Sitting next to the portrait, was a tiny gold urn. My lungs tried to seize in my chest every time I looked at it. It was hard to imagine that Mom was in it.

The memorial was led by the same priest that ran the mass on Sunday mornings. He was a nice man, and apparently he’d been in the community for a long time. His words were soft and charismatic. I was happy that Mom was getting the memorial she deserved.

I tried my best to focus on everything he was saying—I knew it was important—but it was impossible. I hadn’t seen Haden since we had left him outside. I didn’t know where he disappeared off to, but part of me was thankful he hadn’t shown up to sit next to me. Maybe Kyle had told him what was going on after he talked to me. Maybe that was why Haden wasn’t around.

Would it really be easier if Haden decided to go back to LA without me? That was what was best for him, right? Did I really think he’d ever even consider leaving me?

The memorial progressed on while I sat there in the front pew, tormented by my thoughts about what was going to happen with Haden. I barely even noticed when Sarah gave me a shake on the arm.

I glanced at her, and she nodded at the podium. The priest was looking at me right at me, and I had the sudden fear that he had said something to me while I was completely spaced out.

He gave me a long, warm smile, then addressed the congregation.

“I’ve been told we have a little surprise for you all,” he said. His voice was deliberate and endearing. I narrowed my eyes at him. “There a couple amongst you that wanted to pay your respects in your own way.”

He held his hand up to the back of the church, and twitched his fingers. Everyone turned around and stared at the back of the center aisle. As I spun around, I saw two men in soft gray suits making their way to the front of the church. My jaw dropped wide open.

Haden was carrying two guitars, and Kyle had a high-topped stool in either hand. Haden flashed a smile at me as he passed. I didn’t understand what was going on. Were they
really
going to play a concert at my mother’s memorial service?

My eyes were so locked on him, that I didn’t even notice Uncle Larry was kneeling right in front of me. He put a hand on my leg, and I jumped in surprise. I gave him the same confused stare I’d given Haden, and he leaned in to whisper something.

“Don’t hate me if I mess this up,” he said. He had a big smile on his face, and he flashed me a wink.

My mouth moved to ask him what was going on, but he was on his feet and walking to the front of the church before I got anything out. He walked straight up to Haden and took one of the guitars from him. Kyle set the two stools on either side of him. Uncle Larry and Haden each sat against one.