Saying Goodbye (30 page)

“I’m sorry! Okay?” Steve couldn’t look at Mark, driving slightly erratically.

“Sorry.” Mark struggled to think and with all he had been through,
he
could not.

“Do you hate me?” Steve dabbed at his eyes.

“No
,
Steven
.
” Mark grabbed Steve’s hand and squeezed it. “Never. You are my one and only love. Do you hate me?”

“God no!” Steve wiped at his eyes.

“Even though…” Mark understood from Adam that Steve knew about Billy, but could not say it, in case Steve did not.

Steve began to weep and Mark held the steering wheel as Steve wove carelessly. “Love. Pull over if you cannot see.”

“Fuck!” Steve hit his palm against the steering wheel, startling Mark.

Mark began to feel shaky. “Then you do not forgive me.”

“Stop. Don’t talk. Let me get us home. Christ! Please. Let me just get us home.”

Mark shut up, looked at the little brown teddy bear between them on the seat, picked it up and held it on his lap.

Was he back to square one? This was why he took the pills. There was no way he was going to deal with everyone’s jealousy over Billy and his action. And Adam trying to assure him everyone was over it?

As his mother would say, ‘Rubbish. Utter rubbish.’

Mark slouched low in the seat, holding the bear, wishing those
handsome
cops had not found him, or he had followed his father to hell.

~

Billy stood near a door which led to the tarmac. He could see a Learjet waiting, and Harry escorting Leslie out to the portable staircase. A uniformed man said to Alex, “We’re ready to go, sir.”

Alex nodded, shouldering his carryon.

“Give us a minute
,
” Billy said to the man.

He nodded and stepped away.

Alex looked up at Billy, pouting.

Billy felt pure self-loathing at everything he had done, and the fact that Alex was still talking to him? Had not left him? He was slightly stunned. He held Alex’s shoulders and made Alex search his eyes. “Are we good?”

Alex’s bottom lip quivered. “I love you, Billy.”

Billy embraced him and rocked him, kissing his hair. “I’m so sorry, Alex. So sorry. Never again. Never. I promise you I will never stray. Please forgive me. Please.”

A choking sob came from Alex and Alex pressed his face hard against Billy’s chest.

Billy felt his eyes burn with tears. “Say you forgive me. Please.”

“I…” Alex sobbed. “I forgive you.
If you forgive me.
”

Billy closed his eyes and held Alex’s head to his chest, his eyes running with hot tears. “
Of course. You know I do.
I don’t deserve you. I don’t.
I get your urge to get back at me, Alex. Believe me. I fucked up.
”

Alex
stepp
ed back and Billy could see, he
,
too, was a wreck. Trying to wipe at Alex’s tears, Billy looked out at the tarmac. Leslie and Harry had boarded the private jet. “Your grandmother is waiting.”

Alex nodded, biting his lip as if to stop a flood of anguish.

“I love you.” Billy cupped the back of his head through Alex’s long soft hair. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but you have a heart of pure gold.”

“Oh God…” Alex covered his mouth to stifle a sob.
“You
,
too
.
Are you kidding me? After what I did to you?”

“My lover
…
You are my world.” Billy gave him another hug. “Nothing will come between us. I promise. I also promise not to be jealous any longer. Not to get crazy when you go off like this o
n film shoots.
”

Alex met his eyes and tears poured from them. “Billy… I…”

“Yes, my love, my dearest.” Billy cupped his jaw.

The man in the uniform cleared his throat and Billy knew Alex had to go.

“We’ll make sure we contact each other daily,” Billy said, “No excuse.”

“Billy…” Alex began to break down.

“Awww, baby-doll.” Billy held him tight and rocked him again. “You own my heart. Forever.”

Alex pulled out of his arms and nodded. He tilted his head to the security door and the man used a code to open it.

Billy stood by.

He and Alex met eyes one last time and Alex left through the door with the flight crew member.

With his eyes on the tarmac, Billy watched Alex walk across the span to the stairs. Alex turned back once. Billy waved.

Alex waved back, then boarded.

Billy wiped at his eyes and pulled himself together. He had no idea how Alex had found it in his heart to forgive him.
A
lthough he had forgiven Alex, he did not forgive Steve or Jack. Nothing but hatred burned inside Billy now for those two
; t
wo men who took revenge on him, and used Alex when Alex was at his most vulnerable. Not to mention
…
leaving when Mark was still unaccounted for.

As Billy left the small airport, walking to his truck
,
he wondered, if Alex had cheated on him
first
, if he would have been as kind.

He knew the answer to that.

No.

Steve pulled into the driveway, alongside the TVR.

Mark gazed at the car, trying to put puzzle pieces together in his head. The lapse of time and
his
faulty
memory was driving him crazy. Since Steve reacted so emotionally to his comments, Mark kept silent, sitting with his silly teddy bear on his lap, wondering what on earth he had missed.

“Stay put.” Steve exited the car as the double garage door closed behind them. Mark was sick of feeling like an invalid so he opened the Mercedes door and was met by Steve who reached to get him to his feet.

Mark pushed the bear at him. “Why on earth did you bring him?”

“I didn’t.
Billy did
.”

Mark nudged Steve to go first. “I can walk. Don’t treat me like I’m eighty.”

“Mark, you were in a coma.” Steve approached the connecting door to the kitchen and opened it.

Mark moved slowly, knowing he certainly was not himself yet, and looked into his home. Some
item
s were out of place, but Steve, of course, had been back and forth from the hospital and nothing had been normal.

When he turned the corner to the living room, Mark first caught the scent, then sight, of over a dozen floral arrangements and gift baskets. “What the bloody hell?”

Steve was about to walk up the stairs to the second floor with the bear, when he paused. “From everyone. The car manufacturer, Parsons, your modeling agency, fans…”

“Are you joking?” Mark walked around to each one, reading cards. “Bloody
, bloody
hell.”

“So much food was sent to the
hospital
waiting room, everyone was well fed while you were out of it.” Steve headed up the stairs.

Mark
was astonished at the number of gifts and well wishes he had received.
The staff at all three companies he worked for had sent enormous gift baskets, and there were dozens of signatures on each card.

After Mark read them all, he approached the staircase, which was near the front door. He stopped. Looking down
,
he spotted the area where Billy had pushed him to the carpet and fucked him.

Mark closed his eyes and reached for the
wall
for balance as that memory made him dizzy.

What he had done was unforgiveable. Why was everyone being so kind?

“Steven?”

Heavy footfalls followed his call as Steve raced to the lower level. “What? Are you okay?” Steve held Mark’s arm. “Why are you standing? Sit. Lie down. Eat something.”

“We need to talk.” Mark glanced at the area on the rug again and then looked for a place that appealed to him, since the floral fragrance in the living room was slightly overwhelming.

Steve’s demeanor went south quickly. “Mark. I don’t know what to say. There was no excuse for what Jack and I did.”

Mark’s head was swimming.
Jack and you?
He felt ligh
theaded and reached for something to steady himself
.

“Jesus!” Steve grabbed Mark. “Upstairs.
Get into
bed.” Steve held Mark around his waist and when Mark struggled to walk up the flight of steps, Steve picked Mark up
into his arms
and carried him
up
into
the stairs
.

Mark
rested on Steve’s shoulder
.

You and Jack? You and Jack?

Gently, Steve lowered Mark to sit on the bed, crouching down to take off Mark’s shoes. Mark slid his jacket off his arms and ran his hand through his hair. “I need a shower desperately.”

“I’m not trusting you to stand. I’ll run a bath.”

“I need to wash my hair, Steven.” Mark began to remove his shirt.

“Okay. I’ll shower with you. If you’re not too angry.”

“Too…” Mark held Steve back from undressing him. “Steven.”

Steve was reluctant to meet his eyes.

“You act as if I should be cross with you.”

Instantly
,
Steve met Mark’s gaze. “Aren’t you?”

“You and Jack…” Mark knew Steve and Jack had made love before. All four of them, Adam, Jack, Steven and himself, were a foursome
, a
loving
unit.

“Mark,” Steve said, his eyes again growing watery. He gripped Mark’s hands in his and was on his knees in front of Mark. “It was so stupid. I can’t believe Adam told you. I swear we never wanted you to know. Never wanted to hurt you like this.”

Mark was completely baffled. “Hurt me like this…” he echoed softly.

“I figured if Adam didn’t tell you, Jack eventually would. Or Alex.”

“Alex?” Mark felt ice in his veins.

Steve rested his cheek on Mark’s lap, crying. “I love you. I love you so much. I was so hurt when I found out about you and Billy.”

Mark closed his eyes and tensed up. “I will forever regret that day.”

“No. Baby. No.” Steve kissed Mark’s legs, his knees, hiding against him. “I know you. It’s my fault. I should have put on my uniform for you. I should have let you play. God knows after that SWAT exercise
…
you must have been going crazy.”

“Why are you offering me excuses? Steven?”

A sob broke from Steve as if coming from his soul. “I should have been there. I should have come
home
with you
when you left the estate
so
that
after that exercise you and I could have made love. I know you must have been dying for it.”

“I would have been
perfectly happy to sit on a dildo and sniff your uniform. Believe me.”

Steve paused in his movements and stayed still.

“I think there is so much missing from this conversation, I don’t know if it
’
s me, not thinking straight, or you, not telling me what it is you know.”

Steve slid off Mark’s lap
and sat
on the floor in front of him. His cheeks were wet with tears and his eyes red. “You
…
you didn’t proposition Billy?”

Mark
tired to
swallow down his still slightly sore throat and wondered how the truth was going to hit Steve. “I want your word you will not grow enraged, punch walls, or fly out of here to assault my captain.”

“Huh?” Steve’s anguished lessened and Mark could see anger growing. “Why would I do that? You asked Billy for sex, right? After he took you to the SWAT training?”

“Firstly, how do you know any of this?”

“Billy
!
” Steve shouted,
and
then lowered his voice. “Billy told us you two got carried away and that was why you vanished.” Steve’s brows knotted. “What did Sharpe do?”

Mark shook his head. “Steven
.
” Mark wagged his finger at him. “No more fury. I cannot stand another dramatic episode. Do you
hear
me? If we talk, that’s all this will be. Talk. Make a vow.”

Steve’s lip curled in anger.

Mark shoved him aside and stood, removing the rest of his clothing and making his way to the shower. “And you morons wonder why I am the way I am.” Mark held onto the wall, then the sliding doors and turned on the water.

Steve appeared, looking slightly sheepish. “I promise.” He held up his hand in an oath.

“No punching walls,
” Mark warned, knowing they had just repaired the tiles in the bathroom after Steve’s
previous
unleashed violence
episode
.
Not to mention his actions at the mansion, leaving his knuckles a mess.

“No punching walls.”

Mark stepped into the tub, bracing himself on the door and standing under the hot water. He heard Steve enter behind him, and Mark soaked his hair and stepped back, allowing Steve to do the same.

When Mark picked up the shampoo, Steve took it from him and offered to wash Mark’s hair. Mark gave Steve his back, and held onto the door and wall for support.

As Steve lovingly washed his hair for him, Mark said
,
after a loud exhale, “Yes. It was true after the SWAT training I was a bit pent up…” He closed his eyes at how wonderful having his hair washed for him felt. “But as Billy began to get amorous, I said no.”

Steve’s hands stopped moving.

Mark elbowed him. “Keep going.” Once Steve did, Mark continued, “I knew it was wrong. Have no doubt
,
Steven, I knew.
I was
betraying all of you
and my son
.
My Alex
.
”

“Fuck.”

“Calm down, copper.” Mark enjoyed Steve massaging his scalp. “Right
…
so you can imagine how pent up both the Captain and I were
,
with
Alex
off
to Rome, you
at the bloody estate.
Well
,
I expected you to come home right a
fter I did. Why didn’t you?
”

“Jack told me not to.” Steve nudged Mark to turn around to rinse his hair. “I was packed, pushing through him to get the fuck out. He and Adam both told me to give you space.”

“Oh. Well. I suppose I did as well. You see?” Mark rinsed his hair. “I am to blame. Don’t try to pin this act on Billy.”

“Hang on.” Steve shook his head. “You said no. Billy did what next?” Steve soaped up his hands.

“Well, I was
just coming inside the door
after the training
. He was concerned I needed to eat. So he was slightly possessive.
Both of us still stinking of sweat, gun powder
…
I don’t have to tell you the fantasies I can make over a scene like that.
Well, that was when he urged me to the floor.
”

“But
…
but you told me you would have been happy with a dildo and my uniform.” Steve washed Mark’s chest.

“Indeed. It was my thoughts
before going
, Steven.”

“But?”

“Well, Billy…” Mark noticed Steve’s teeth showing in his growl. Mark pointed
at
him. “Stop it! Right there. I can read you like a book.”

“He forced you?”

“No! Never! But I did say no. I did beg him to not do what he was going to do.”

“And he still did it?” Steve certainly did not appear as if he was going to keep his vow.

“Steven, love.” Mark rested his hands on Steve’s shoulders. “It was not by force. I assure you. I weakened. It was me. You know it was me.”

“But
…
what about Billy’s relationship with Alex? Come on!”

“Alex was
evidently
,
completely
unavailable to the captain
. Billy
was going
mad
. Add to that the horrid tabloids spreading rumors about Alex’s exploits with
his
hot Italian co-stars…”

“Don’t you dare make excuses for Sharpe!”

“Steven.” Mark held Steve still. “I cannot believe that Billy came clean to Alexander. And you see my son can somehow forgive me. I assume it
’
s because of my suicide attempt. If I had not done what I did, my guess is I would have lost my son.” Mark felt his eyes burn in grief. “I am a filthy slut.”

“No. No, Mark.” Steve shook his head.

“Not worthy of his love. Of your and Jackie’s forgiveness, of Adam’s kindness…”

“Stop.” Steve gently shook him. “Don’t go back and wallow. You’ll
get
si
c
k again.”

Mark nodded, pulling himself together. He took the soap and washed under his arms and then his genitals. “Right. That’s all I can say, really. The slut with the cop fetish fucks
people
to make ever
yone like him and to keep directors
from firing his son. Aren’t I a role model for every young man?”

“Cut it out.”

Mark turned to rinse his front and then relinquished the shower head to Steve. “Okay, copper. What about what Adam told me? Hm?
It’s y
our turn to tell me what I have missed whilst in a coma with m
y dead father
trying to lure
me to hell.
”