Saying Goodbye (37 page)

~

Jack unpacked his toiletries in Mark and Steve’s master bathroom. This house felt like home to him. He and Adam spent nearly every weekend with Steve and Mark, making love, playing, going out to dinner…

He didn’t even peek at his own reflection. At the moment he despised himself.

Once he left the bathroom, he could see Steve making room in a drawer for him. Jack inhaled a deep breath, and glanced at the king-sized bed. A photo was near the headboard, in black and white, he and Mark together, Mark playfully licking his cheek. They were in their early twenties, and Janis Campbell, a photographer who used pictures of Mark in her book of male nudes ‘Male-Men’ had taken the picture in her office, for fun, then asked them if she could use it on the cover.

Jack stepped closer to it, looking at how happy they were at the moment, captured in time. Mark’s hair was as long as Alex’s. But some men could pull it off. Mark certainly could.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. Jack turned to look at Steve.

“Let Mark work his magic.”

“Poor guy. We always leave our fuckups up to him to fix.”

Steve smiled. “He’s the master. Could you say no to that face?”

Jack glanced back at the framed picture. “No. Never could.”

“I can’t believe we almost lost him.”

Jack shivered and rubbed his arms.

“Seriously, Jack,” Steve said, “I didn’t think he’d react so badly to Billy and
him having
sex.
But I guess he felt the betrayal to us and his son more than we did.
I
’
m
being
honest when I am telling you, I thought Mark just needed a cooling off period. I thought about the pills when I spoke to Billy, but I figured he’d take two, drink a beer, and sleep.”

“Sleep where?” Jack turned to look at Steve.

“I don’t know. I suppose I convinced myself since the last attempt, he’d never do it again. He seems now like he has too much to live for.”

Jack frowned. “
I guess I felt the same at the time he left the estate. Otherwise I would have gone after him, like you wanted to do.” Jack looked back at the photo. “I never know what he’s thinking or going to do
.
I think I know him, then sometimes I don’t know him at all.
”

“You’re right.
I feel the exact same way
.
He’s so closed down emotionally.
”

“I met Milt.” Jack sat on the bed. Steve did the same beside him. They leaned on each other, shoulder to shoulder.

“Mark’s dad,” Jack shook his head at the memories. “Goddamn, never met a bigger bastard in my life. And I was in criminal law for a while.”

“Even with you two telling me about him, I can’t imagine a dad being so cruel.”

Jack made a noise in his throat. “He was so bitter. So violent.” Jack rubbed his eyes. “The insults Mark endured. And this was in front of me. God knows what Mark had to hear when he was alone.”

“Jesus.”

“That beast beat Mark up.” Jack looked back at the photo. “Beat up his only son. A kid who had so much potential in life…”

“You said four-point-oh in grad school. I could never do that.”

“In everything he did. Mark outshined all of us. Baseball? He was amazing. Could have gone pro. Fucker was so fast, so agile. So smart, he anticipated every move.”

Steve hugged Jack with one arm, resting his head on Jack’s shoulder.

“And his beauty?” Jack whistled. “From the time he was a toddler you could see it. He was strikingly handsome.
I can only imagine him in high school. He told me he dated women only, but I doubt he could fuck many. He said he was able to get it up with Alex’s mother Iris only because she had a photograph of some man in uniform near her dressing table.”

“Fucked a stripper.” Steve shook his head.

“Yup. After being slapped around and called a fag, Mark forced himself to go to a club. God knows how he tried.”

“At least Iris wasn’t a dope addict. Was she?”

“No. She was working her way through college.”

“So? Mark’s urge to kill himself is all Milt’s doing?”

“I think so. If you were told daily how stupid an
d
inadequate you
were
, called derogatory names constantly, and when you reached out for your mom? She shunned you?”

Steve held Jack closer.

“How would you be now, Steve?”

“And I thought my dad was bad. The fucking homophobic racist.”

“Still?”

“He’s a bit better
. He’s good with Alex and doesn’t sneer too much at me anymore.”

“And your mom?”

“Both mom and my sister
,
Laura
,
were loving. I can’t complain.”

A noise
at
the door below alerted them to Mark’s return. Jack sprinted behind Steve down the stairs, and stopped short.

Adam was there, looking up at Jack.

Mark
took
Steve’s hand and walked with him to the kitchen, leaving the two men alone.

“So?” Jack stood in front of Adam. “Peacemaker Mark worked his magic?”

Adam smiled and lowered his gaze.

“Can I take your jacket?”

Adam removed it, handing it to Jack. Jack hung it in the coat closet,
and
then gestured to the couch for them to sit and talk.

Adam folded his hands on his lap and stared at the coffee table.

Jack asked, “Can I get you something to drink?”

“I’m good.”

Jack waited. What more could he say that he hadn’t said? And he had no idea how Mark had managed to get Adam to meet with him. They had ended so badly in Adam’s office.

Adam turned on the cushion of the sofa to face Jack, his hand holding one knee, leaning back, as if appraising Jack.

“I don’t know if you’re going to forgive me or say goodbye.”

“I take it you hit the booze.”

“Yeah. I did. You can smell it?”

Adam shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

“What will it take, Adam?” Jack wanted to hold him, kiss him.

“I don’t know. You have no idea how many times I have been asking myself that question.”

Jack waited, but was not patient. He tried to sit comfortably on the sofa but ended up fidgeting. Soft murmurs from Mark and Steve floated in the air. Jack couldn’t hear the words, but assumed Mark was telling Steve what he had said to get Adam to relent.

Adam finally began their conversation. “It hit you hard when Mark left you for Steve.”

Jack flinched. “He actually left Sharon at the altar.”

“Bullshit. He left you.”

There was no use denying it. “You know what happened. You came to my office for help the same week Mark moved in with Steve.”

“I do. I know how hard it was for you to let go and love me.”

Jack met Adam’s dark brown eyes. “I will always love you. More than Mark. More than Alex—”

Adam held up his hand and Jack kept quiet.

“Life’s complicated, isn’t it?” Adam did not reach for Jack and Jack was dying for the contact, the reassurance. “Too complicated.”

Adam nodded, a hint of a smile. “Love, hate, jealousy, and
…
sex.”

Jack winced. This was beginning to sound like a goodbye.

Adam sighed. “I wish so much w
eight wasn’t put on the act. That sinful
act. Huh? Two people connecting bodies. It’s so powerful they make laws about it, condemn people for where they stick it, limit us when we wear these.” He held up his gold band. “Just for that act.”

Jack had no idea where Adam was going, so he did nothing but listen and try to read him.

“And all of us
…
huh? Humans. Fucking weak stupid pieces of flesh and bone, wandering around this fucking filthy planet, trying hard, not trying, fucking up, not fucking up.”

Jack felt a lump in his throat. “Where do we fall in that mess?”

Adam shrugged, appearing slightly confused. “I suppose I can’t say I’ve never lusted after another man’s lover. I can’t say I didn’t turn my head when my dead
agent
partner forced men to suck his dick for parts…”

Jack heard the murmuring in the kitchen go quiet.

Rubbing his palms on his jeans, Adam seemed pensive
, a
man who thought before he spoke.

“
…a
ssumed four-way sex was natural for us, made love to Steve and Mark without feeling as if I was cheating or doing anything wrong.”

Hope began to burn in Jack.

Adam met his eyes. “I guess I set mental limits in my head. Unspoken. You know. But then we’d hit the estate and those limits would slide as Carl and Keith would kiss me, or the rest of the boys would jerk off all over Mark. And Joshua,” Adam laughed softly, “the crazed lifeguard, doing solo acts and all of us loving it.”

Jack touched Adam’s knee with just the tips of his fingers.

Adam’s expression softened. “I knew both you and Steve had that gnawing sense of curiosity about Alex. I knew. Mark knew. Alex…” Adam shook his head and again let out a soft laugh. “Alex has made it very clear in the time we have known him he wanted both of you, and Jeff, and Mickey, and God knows who else. Maybe Billy tamed him a little. Maybe not.”

Jack kept his mouth shut. What was he going to say?

“When Mark vanished…”

A sense of nausea hit Jack at the mention.

Adam rubbed his face. “Maybe I was the only one to assume overdose. Maybe both
you and Steve didn’t think Mark would go that far.”

Jack rubbed his face, fast becoming sober, wondering how much of this, if not all of this, conversation was being overheard by the other two.

“Adam.”

Adam stopped talking.

Jack felt drained like he never had before. “I have to know. Are we going to try to make this work, or are you going to say goodbye?”

Adam opened his arms wide.

The relief in Jack was overwhelming. He reached for Adam’s embrace and held him close, kissing his neck. “Forgive me. Please. Forgive me.”

“I do. Jack, I forgive you
…
you moron.”

“Well!” Mark clapped.

Jack glanced behind his shoulder to see Steve and Mark in the living room, smiling.

Jack and Adam kissed and Jack
aske
d Mark, “Why is it no one can say no to you, Richfield?”

“Hmm.” Mark tapped his chin playfully as if in thought. “Because I am irresistible?”

Adam waved both of them over. Steve sat
beside Adam,
opposite
to where
Jack
was
on the sofa
.
Adam hugged him, kissing his hair.

Jack looked up at Mark, who stood, hands on hips and smiled down at them.

Jack said, “Man, you are thin. Will you eat something?”

“Shut up, He-man.” Mark went into a boxing stance, challenging Jack.

“I don’t need to punch you.” Jack pushed one finger against Mark’s torso and nudged him backwards.

“Brute.” Mark swatted him.

“Right.” Adam sighed loudly. “Did someone say there was booze?”

“It’s a school night.” Mark warned, wagging his finger.

Steve said, “Get the man some whiskey.”

Mark strut
ted
out, glancing over his shoulder at them, smirking.

Steve, Adam and Jack sat together on the sofa, watching him leave the room.

Jack said quietly, “Can you imagine saying goodbye to him
…
in a coffin? For good?”

“Stop!”Adam hit Jack in the arm.

Steve leaned on Adam’s shoulder. “You’d be saying goodbye to us both.”

“God!” Adam shoved Steve. “I swear I will slap all of you.”

“Dare ya!” Jack went for Adam, trying to tickle him.

“You talk big, Lewis,” Steve said, doing the same from behind Adam.

Adam choked with laughter and tried to fight them off.

Jack noticed Mark enter the room, a drink in his hand. “My! I take it this means our four-way love is still a go?”

Adam swatted Jack and Steve’s hands away and reached for the drink. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure.” Mark tilted his head towards the stairs. “There is lube and plenty of toys up there.”

Jack started laughing and covered his eyes as if the whole topic was absurd.

Adam tossed his shot down and slammed the empty glass on the coffee table. “Seems like old times.”

“I can’t take the drama!” Steve yelled and laughed.

Mark crept towards the stairs slowly. “Last one to the bed cleans the dildos,” then he bolted up to the second floor.