My entire family was there. Antonio and Jason, and Robbie, who was sitting with them. And people from my job. Kids. Dan and a whole crew of people from my last agency. Ryan and his partner Jake—Brian and I met at their party. And people I didn’t recognize, some of whom must have been men and women who worked with Brian over the years. Even classmates of mine from college.
We kept it really simple and brief. There was a pastor Brian and I had known through the AIDS ministry that I’d asked to do a small reading and prayer. Janet sang “Amazing Grace.” Then I stood to talk. If I nothing else, I could offer this last thing to my lover.
“Thank you all for coming today. Brian’d be so happy and shocked to see how many people were here to say good-bye to him. But it doesn’t surprise me.”
“You all know Brian was a loving and giving man. He didn’t have any family to speak of. When I met him, God, it seems like yesterday, I thought, ‘What a strange guy.’ He was so good-looking and funny, but when I saw him the first time, he was just standing there against a wall and looking out at everybody having fun, and I asked my buddy Ryan, ‘Who is that guy?’”
“‘He’s a friend of Jake’s; I think his name’s Brian.’ So I went over and just stood next to him for a minute, you know, to size him up, and then said hello to him and ‘I’m Mark’ and all that.
“He did the funniest thing. He pointed with his cup at some girl that was chatting up Jake and kind of hanging onto his arm and looking up at him with big old doe eyes, and he said, ‘Barking up the wrong tree, don’t you think?’ And then he laughed.”
“And you know what he sounded like when he laughed. Jesus, like the sun coming out. I knew right then that we were going to be friends.
“Then I ended up taking him to Sunday breakfast at my mom and dad’s house and he just, God, he just soaked it up and couldn’t get enough of the way Mom kind of took him under her wing and made him one of her kids.
“I think that’s when I started falling in love with Brian Jacobs. When I saw how hungry he was for love and family and somebody who wanted him. Y’all know that us being together came later, and we had some tough times like every couple does, but I never stopped loving that man.
“And now I have to say good-bye to him today,” and with that my voice broke a little. My eyes got a little swimmy, and then I felt Dad step up and put his arm around my shoulders.
“I’m glad you all came here today. He’d have been so happy to have family and friends around him. And he’d say to all of us, ‘Don’t be sad.’”
“He wrote it down, you know. What he wanted me to tell everyone that came today.” And I pulled a card from my jacket.
“‘Brian’s rules for today. Hug as many people as you can. Tell something funny about me. Say ‘I love you’ to the person you want to know it. Don’t cry. Remember it’s okay to laugh. And last, but not least’,” and I couldn’t do it, and had to hand the card to my dad.
“‘Last but not least’,” he read, “‘remind Mark I loved him best and most.’”
Janet stood one more time and sang his last requested song.
“At last my love has come along, my lonely days are over…”
F
INALLY
, almost everyone was gone. I sent them all back over to the house to eat some of the food everybody kept dropping off. Say what you will about us Southerners and gay men, we know how to do a funeral right. Patty said she’d coordinate things for me so I could have a little time alone. And I really needed to talk to Robbie.
When I found him, he was outside on the lawn sitting with Jason, playing some kind of handheld video game. They had their heads together and were talking up a storm. Antonio was on a bench watching them. I didn’t know whether to talk to him first or to Robbie. But when Antonio stood up and came over to me, I really didn’t have much choice.
“God, Mark, I’m so sorry about all this, man,” he said into my ear after he pulled me into a big hug. “That was a beautiful service. Me and Jason, this is the first time he’s been to a funeral and I was kind of worried. He really loves you and he’s been so worried about you and asking about you all the time.”
He squeezed me tight and kissed the side of my head, then let me go and pulled back to look at me. “I found him for you, just like I promised. I fucking owe you and this was the least I could do for you,” he said and nodded at Robbie.
“
You
found him? How? When?” I sputtered.
He told me how he had gotten his friend Mario to come up from Florida and search all the hangouts he knew from living on the street. How they hit pay dirt and were able to find Zev, the bastard he was staying with. And how they had lain in wait until he could catch Robbie alone and fill him in on what had happened.
I pulled Antonio into a hug, letting him know silently how much that meant to me and how grateful I was to him. He held me tight and let his care and friendship for me fill the moment. I closed my eyes and just breathed him in. He really had come to mean so much to me, and this, this was a gift.
“How’d you get him to come with you? You saw what he was like last time,” I said when I let him go. He looked over at the boys. At Robbie. And he got this incredibly soft look on his face.
“Mark, the boy lost his shit. Cried like a baby. I didn’t know if it was from the drugs he’s been on or if he was really feeling it. I told him I’d help him get cleaned up. He’s been over at my place, and he hasn’t had anything. Done anything,” he said. “Jason’s been staying with me and the two of them, they’re getting to be friends. I think it’s been good for Robbie to have someone closer to his age to talk to.”
I was relieved but I didn’t know what the fuck to do next. Robbie couldn’t stay with Antonio. And I couldn’t let him go back to that scumbag that was using him. Maybe… “Let’s get back to my house. There’s food and I have an idea. You bring him and Jason along, okay?” I asked.
Antonio went over and talked to them for a minute, and I saw Robbie look over at me and say something. Whatever he heard back seemed to be good enough, and the three of them got up and started toward the parking lot. He looked back for a minute, and I nodded to him and gave him a smile.
When they all were gone, I got in my car and sat for a minute. Breathed in and out a few times. This was my new life. I could do this. I just hoped that one day, maybe soon, breathing wouldn’t hurt so much.
T
HANKFULLY
, most people went on home after the service. I’m not sure my poor house could’ve held everybody, but Patty was an angel. She’d come in sometime that day and set up chairs and cleaned up and made the place ready for me. And there she was, setting food out as she managed the family and friends that did make it. She caught my eye when I came in and I mouthed
I love you
to her. Her eyes were so soft and full of love and loss too. She’d loved Brian from the first day she met him.
The first thing I had to do was go find Dad. When I found him I pulled him into our…
my
bedroom and we sat down on the bed so I could talk to him.
Why did it take me so long to remember where I came from? The strength I had behind me, and the love. All the time I could’ve leaned on my dad, and I thought I had to do it all by myself. Fix things myself. Just made me realize that what I was going to ask was the right thing to do.
“Are you okay, son? I know today was rough, but just remember we’re all here for you. Me and your brothers and sisters. Anything we can do, Mark, anything at all,” he said. I took a deep breath.
“Well, Dad, it’s funny you ask,” I started. And then I told him about Robbie, and how Antonio found him. How he was gay and self-hating and thought nobody would want him. About the drugs and the sex and prostitution. We just sat there and looked at each other for a minute. I picked at a thread on the comforter. I was almost afraid to ask. And then he surprised me.
“He’ll come home with me. He can have your old room ’til we figure things out,” he said like it was a given. “That boy needs to know a real family doesn’t throw their kids away. You’re gay and you turned out pretty fucking good. If I do say so myself.”
He looked at me with determination. “When he gets here, let’s the three of us talk, okay? I’ll make sure this boy has a home, son. You know your mother and me were licensed with the state for emergency placements; all I have to do is call them Monday and talk to the supervisor. Yeah, this is a fucked-up situation, but they owe me one after all the favors we did them. They can stretch the rules to make it happen. If you and Brian thought enough of him to worry and look for him when he ran off, there has to be something good about him. Just come and get me.”
He slowly got up and looked around. Saw the pictures of the Brian and me, smiling and happy. With Mom and him at Christmas. Brian with the dogs as they tumbled around on the floor. He shook his head slowly.
“I’m going to miss that boy.”
W
E
WENT
back out to the kitchen, where we always seemed to congregate. Well, those of the family who liked to pick at the food and gossip. So yeah, I went there first. Looked for Antonio and the boys there.
But before I could get over to them, I felt someone touch my arm. When I turned it was my brother, Sam. I’d caught glimpses of him over the past few days, but he’d stayed back and I was fucking glad. I didn’t have the stomach for his bullshit.
“Mark, can I talk to you for a second?” he asked.
I looked and saw the guys talking, and he saw where I glanced and said, “Just for a minute, okay?” I reluctantly nodded and we stepped into the hallway.
“What do you want, Sam?” I said bluntly. He swallowed visibly, and I could see what looked like confusion and something else I hadn’t seen before cross his face. It looked like compassion and, fuck him, love.
“Mark, I know I’ve said some really shitty things to you and Brian over the years,” he started.
“Yeah,” I said, not sure what he was going to say.
He looked down and cleared his throat. When he looked back up, there were tears shining in his eyes. “I know it probably doesn’t mean anything coming from me, but I’m sorry as hell about what happened. If it’d been me and Jean,” and he shook his head, “I just don’t know if I could’ve handled it like a man like you’ve been doing. I’m sorry.” And he reached out to touch my arm again.
I didn’t know what to say, and didn’t know that I believed him. But for Brian’s sake, I’d bury the hatchet down today. Not to say I wouldn’t pick it back up if he started shit again. But for today, it was enough. “Thanks,” I said quietly. He nodded and walked off. I shook my head and went back into the kitchen.
Robbie looked a little lost and was hanging close to Jason. I don’t know if it was the situation, the number of people hanging out, or what. But I know my family can be overwhelming to people not used to the noise and sheer numbers. I nodded at them.
“Hey guys, thanks for coming over. Jason, buddy, you hungry? Robbie? There’s all kinds of munchies and stuff here. Antonio, grab—” Before I could get the words out, Patty swooped in and took over, as older sisters are liable to do.
“And who’re these big fellas?” she asked. “Mark, introduce me to these handsome young men.” I rolled my eyes. And she liked to call
me
a flirt? She’s such a mom. And today she was my goddamned hero.
“Patty, this is my friend Antonio and his son, Jason. And this is Robbie. He’s a young man I know through work,” I told her.
I grabbed her up in my arms and swallowed her up in a bear hug and gave her a big old Jennings kiss. “And this crazy lady is my sister, Patty. She took care of me today and got everything set up nice. And she may have even baked that big old red velvet cake over there.”
She glared at me. Looked me up and down and didn’t like what she saw, I could tell. I knew I hadn’t been eating or sleeping much and looked like hell. Patty was such a mom that she forgot sometimes she was my sister. Damn but I loved her. “Well Mark, they look like they’re starving. And you, little brother, eat! Come on boys, fill those plates up and I’ll get you something to drink. Coke? Tea? Antonio?”
I let her get them all settled in and fed, and I picked at the Honeybaked ham and cheese plate. I hoped to hell she was planning on sending some of this shit home with everybody, because it wouldn’t fit in my fridge. And really, I hadn’t been all that hungry. It would just go bad. She gave me a look, though, and I ate.
As things tended to do, the conversations drifted in and out and around and people went from one group to another. Pretty soon everybody’d been over to say a kind word or squeeze my shoulder until I thought I’d be permanently bruised. But I saw an opening and took it. I caught Antonio’s eye and looked quickly down at Robbie and jerked my head toward the back of the house. He damn well better be able to read the gesture.
“Robbie? Buddy, is it okay if we go and talk for a minute? I haven’t had time to say boo to you yet. Want to come and let me show you the rest of the house?” I asked.
He looked around and Antonio gave him a little nod, so he got up, said something in Jason’s ear, and came with me. I showed him around, mostly to put him at ease. Poor guy looked like he was afraid I was going to throw him out the door or something. We went into my bedroom, and I knew no one would follow me in there, so I’d have a chance to talk to him.
I motioned for him to sit in one of the chairs I had next to the bay windows. I sat down in the other and looked over at him. “How’re you doing, Robbie?” I started.
“I’m okay, Mr. Mark. I wanted to come see you when Antonio told me about what happened, but, um, I needed to take care of a couple of things first,” he said. “I’m really, really sorry about Mr. Brian.” He looked ready to either puke or run.
“Robbie,” and I was really, really careful here, “it’s okay. I know what’s going on, and I would’ve been to see you sooner, but well, we both had things we had to take care of, didn’t we?” I told him what’d happened with Brian. How I’d been searching for him.
“It’s okay, Mr. Mark. And I know,” he gulped and got a little teary, “I know Mr. Brian was looking for me when, when….” And then the tears did spill over. Fuck. That’s what all this rabbit bullshit was.