We’d gone to Charleston for his birthday. Spent a long weekend walking along the Battery and touring the historic district. I’d booked a room at a gay-friendly bed and breakfast, and we’d lain in bed for hours touching and exploring and making love. I didn’t bottom often, but I showed Antonio how good it could be for me and for him to switch. He was such a patient and careful lover, and the lovemaking was tender and slow and so very loving. At the risk of sounding like a thirteen-year-old girl, I fell in love with him more that weekend than I thought possible.
His work was still sporadic, between massage clients and the start-up computer business he was working in fits and spurts. It was gaining traction, but his plans outpaced his ability to make them into reality sometimes. I spent more time at his place than at my own. My home became our haven when he needed to escape the ideas that got him in their grip and wouldn’t let him go for hours at a time. I learned more about him all the time, and how his drive for perfection would frustrate him. Make him trash a project he spent hours, sometimes days on, starting again and again from scratch. I’d force him into the car and take him home and fuck his brains out to make him sleep.
For my birthday, he’d surprised me yet again. When I came home from the office, he met me in the parking lot and told me to get in his truck. “I just want to go take a shower and relax,” I whined, not very manly, but he muscled me in and off we went. About forty-five minutes later we were in a small state park north of the city and in front of a small cabin.
“What’re we doing here?” I asked, and was told to follow him in and not ask any more questions. When he opened the door, the whole inside of the cabin was lit by candles and a hot tub was softly bubbling. There was a corked bottle of champagne on ice and two flutes sitting by the tub. He even had my favorite Andrea Bocelli disc playing.
He undressed me without talking, then stripped himself. He took my hand and guided me into the tub, then sat on the edge behind me and uncorked the champagne. “I propose a toast. To my Mark, who showed me love comes from fucking unexpected places, and who makes me want to be a better man every day.” After we drank, he cradled me between his legs and massaged my shoulders and neck while we soaked.
When he took me to bed, he laid me down and rode my cock until I couldn’t take it anymore and I took control. I flipped him on his stomach and shoved a pillow under his groin to raise the angle and slid back into him. I drove harder and harder until he was begging me to come. When I lost it and shoved in the last few times, I felt him spasm around my cock and that took me over the edge.
Afterward, while I lay there with my head on his chest, he showed me my present. I’d been too preoccupied to notice it before, and it was a subtle but powerful thing. He had my name tattooed over his heart. That promise I felt to my core.
All of this and more flashed through my head and I started cursing. I let myself trust him. I built a family with him. I believed him when he said it was forever and he wouldn’t leave me. I let my guard down and goddamn it, every fucking time I did that I got left behind.
“Just tell me,” I said, suddenly just exhausted when it all hit me. I put my hands out on the island to support myself and stopped him with a glance when he moved to come closer. If he touched me, I’d break, and I needed to get used to it again. The not being touched. The alone.
He looked at me and started to talk. About the computers and the vision he had. “You know I’m really frustrated here in this shit apartment trying to do it and I just don’t have the room and the materials.” He started to pace around. I held on to the counter so I didn’t just drift away.
“I’m really tired of doing massage and dealing with all the freaks. I want to do something with my brain and my talent, can’t you see? I want to be something more than just this asshole loser who barely gets by.” He stopped and looked at me. I waited for whatever he was saying to end. He started moving again like a caged tiger, around and around.
Seemed his mom called a couple of days before with an offer. Her brother was closing the family auto shop and the building was going to be vacant. Family owned, and all that space empty. “And all the good suppliers for metal tubing I need are right there, man. It’s Silicone Valley.” He stopped again, and I saw what I could only describe as yearning.
His mom, it appeared, offered him a rent-free arrangement. All he had to do was help drive her around to her doctor’s appointments. “She lost her license again. DUI, three years this time.” And there was room for Jason to stay on the holidays. She would fly him out.
Couldn’t he see?
Wasn’t there blood or something all over this room? Because every brick he used to build this wall, this dream of his, was breaking my bones, crushing me and leaving me bloody and broken. But he just kept going.
He’d thought about it the past two nights. Funny, I thought he was asleep with me.
How stupid was I?
“I realized it would be best if I did this for a year, then could come back and have a better process down for construction and better components. I can work with the guys who do this shit all the time and build the company up and a customer base and we’ll be set.” And that’s what snapped me out of my misery.
“We? There’s no
we
here,” I said. That pulled him up short. He looked shocked and stood there just staring, jaw working. “
We
means a couple who talk about important, life-changing decisions together.
We
means I get a voice and a vote in what happens and what affects me.
We
means I don’t fucking hear about you fucking moving to fucking California when I fucking get home from work,” I yelled. “
We means you don’t leave me alone!
”
He had tears in his eyes. “Mark, I’m doing this for us. So I can be the kind of guy who’s an equal partner, and Jason and you can be proud of me. I want to deserve you. I’m so tired of feeling like I am two clients away from having to ask you for more money to pay Jason’s child support again. Baby, I want it so the only man I ever touch again is you. Please.” He begged.
I was almost persuaded. Almost. “But you didn’t want it bad enough to let me in on it, Antonio. My life is you and Jason now. You’re leaving me,” and my voice broke. I felt so empty, the life drained out of me.
He rushed across the room, grabbed me and hugged me tight. “No, no, no, no. I’m not leaving you. I’m just going to make things better. I’ll be back before you know it. I promise,” he said over and over.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered.
He let go of me and leaned back. He looked puzzled. “What? What can’t you do, baby?”
I glanced up at him. “Am I going to be welcome out there? When Jason flies out, will we have family time? Will the three of us be together?” I asked, but I already knew the answer, and saw his face crumble. I knew he hadn’t told his mother and sister about me yet. About him. Before this, they were a coast away. They didn’t matter. But now they did.
“Maybe we can get a hotel,” and he stopped when he saw the look in my eyes. He knew. The one thing I wouldn’t be for anybody was a dirty little secret, and he just asked me to close the closet door behind me.
He tried again, “It’s just for a year. Please, Mark, don’t make me do this. Please,” he begged.
“Do what?” I asked him. He cried, and it almost broke me too.
“Don’t make me give this up. Don’t make this a choice. It’ll be okay, I’ll make it work. Mark?” he asked.
I just raised my weary head and looked around at all the packing and chaos around me. I picked up my keys. “You already made it a choice and it wasn’t me. You didn’t choose me.” I walked over to him and kissed his forehead as he cried then went to the door and let myself out.
“Mark, please. Don’t you see, I am choosing us,” I heard him sobbing when I closed the door.
I
CALLED
in sick for the rest of the week. Grabbed a couple of changes of clothes and my toiletry bag from the house and checked into a motel so nobody could find me. I was so drained, and I couldn’t deal with anyone or anything. I turned my cell phone off and slept almost nonstop for the next twenty-four hours.
When I turned it back on the third day I had forty-nine new messages. I played them back, and deleted every one of his the minute I heard his voice. There were two from Patty, the first tender and worried, the second furious. One from Dad with a simple, “Call me when you can, son. I need to know you’re okay.”
The one from Jason was the one that made me sit up and take notice. “Mark, I’m so mad at Dad right now,” he said and I could hear the tears in his voice. “Please call me. Please don’t you leave me too.”
Fuck.
My first call was to Dad to make sure he knew I was all right. I could hear Robbie in the background, talking a mile a minute and asking so many questions, Dad finally said, “Come to the house when you’re ready to. Love you, son.”
The second was to Jason’s cell. “Where are you? Are you okay? Can you come get me?” he said all in one rushed breath.
“Slow down, buddy, I’m okay. I just needed to take a breather. Are you okay?”
For the next few minutes I was treated to a monologue that alternated between anger at his dad, fear and anxiety that I was okay and wouldn’t want to be around him anymore, and a little excitement about going to California soon. He tried to hide it from me, saying he wouldn’t go and nobody could make him, until I told him it was okay and he needed to see his dad. Reminded him his dad loved him.
“He loves you too, Mark,” he said. I wasn’t going to talk to Jason about that. That was between me and Antonio. It wasn’t fair for him to be caught in the middle. “Come get me and let me stay with you, please, Mark, okay?” he begged. I hesitated, and asked what his mother said. “Mom,” he shouted, and told her he wanted to come stay with me for the weekend. Jeanine’s voice came on the line.
“You okay?” she asked.
Well, wasn’t this fucking surreal? We were the ex-spouses club, because I ain’t
nobody’s
wife, current or ex. She laughed at that, told me to get my ass over there and get Jason before he took the bus. I wasn’t going to let him take MARTA, so we arranged for me to come get him. “I’m sorry,” she said before we hung up. “He can be a total dick and so damn selfish sometimes.”
When I got there, Jason was packed and ready to go. He bowled me over in a hug and wouldn’t let go. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me. You didn’t call me back and I was so worried.”
I pulled him back and made him look at me. “This has nothing to do with you, kiddo. This’s between me and your dad, and whatever happens, you and me, we’re good. Right?”
He nodded, and we gathered up his stuff and got in the car. God, it was hard to believe the little kid I used to know had grown into this tall and handsome young man. At almost sixteen, he looked so much like Antonio it hurt. The ratty little moustache was gone, and his features were sharp and masculine. He was starting to bulk up some. Playing football agreed with him.
He looked like he had something on his mind, and I figured he wanted to talk about me and Antonio. I wasn’t ready to do that yet, especially with Jason. I needed to figure out where to go next myself. So it was a surprise when said, “Mark, I called Robbie and he’s coming over too. I hope you aren’t mad at me, but we wanted to talk to you. Um… is that okay?”
I’d had enough of wallowing in my own shit, worrying it over and over in my head the past two days. So it was almost a relief to have something to focus on besides Antonio. I cut my eyes at him. “Well, I don’t know. Care to tell me what you two are up to? ’Cause you know, I may be old, but I ain’t dumb.”
He flipped his cell phone open and closed, his nervousness evident. I reached over and laid a hand on his arm and said, “Talk to me, Jason. You can trust me, you know that.” I could hear him gulp.
“Robbie kissed me,” he blurted out. “I liked it. We, um, well, we’re kinda, I don’t know what to call it, dating now? Maybe? We’re still just friends, but…,” he stammered out. Blushed, just like Antonio. Damn it. Thank God we were at a light, so I didn’t drive off the road. I suspected a little flirting, but wasn’t sure of anything.
“Buddy, we gotta talk. And yeah, he can come over. He’s gonna talk too,” I told him. And thought,
Holy Fuck, Antonio, you need to get your ass back here and help me with your son.
When I got back home, I found Robbie waiting, looking really sheepish. I just looked at him a moment before motioning him to come in with us. “In, you two. Pizza or Chinese?” They couldn’t decide so I called out for both. Fuck it.
While we waited, I sat them down on the couch. “Talk.”
The two of them looked at each other and Robbie finally decided to be the one to speak. He took a deep breath and plunged in. “You know Jason and I’ve been good friends for a long time. And a few days ago, well… we were hanging out and just kind of kickin’ it and I may have,” and he looked everywhere but at me, “kissed him. A little.”
“I liked it. I kissed him back. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t make me or anything,” Jason jumped to his defense.
“Guys, I get it. Okay? But Jason, you’re, well, you’re so young, and I know you’re dating Amy. Just… be careful, okay. Promise me you won’t do anything without talking to me or, oh fuck, Dad. Does he know about this?” I moaned. He went through this shit with me when I was their age. I remembered how mortified I was to have the condom talk with him. Fuck. Although, better him than me.
Robbie looked embarrassed. “Um, he maybe saw us kissing once the other day, and,” he mumbled and shuddered, “talked to me about condoms and playing safe.” He looked a little green.
That was it, and I lost it. Laughed until I had tears in my eyes and was holding my sides. The two of them looked at me like I just grew another head. When I calmed down, I said, through snorts, “I had that same talk when I was fifteen and came out. Did, did he use the cucumber?” Robbie’s eyes were huge and he nodded.
“I can’t eat salad now,” he shuddered. “But Mark, I promise. I really like Jason, and, well,” he looked over at Jason, who nodded, “I told Jason some things about my past. We want to take it slow. He’s really special.” He looked at Jason and smiled that secret little smile I knew so well. I’d been seeing it from my guys for years. Oh fuck, he was so done.