Second Chances (25 page)

Jason looked back at him with the same look, and a cute little flush I recognized as Antonio’s. I was going to have to watch these two really closely. They were already in love. I just hoped it if it blew up, or Jason decided girls were more his style, that he and Robbie would be able to stay friends. Because a friendship as special as they had shouldn’t be fucked over…

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity
fuck
. God
damn
it. And I was supposed to be the adult here. I needed somebody to kick my ass. Something told me it would be Dad and Patty. God, I dreaded it. “Jason, where’s your dad?”

He looked over at Robbie with a little
I told you so
look. “He’s still at the apartment. Well, actually,” and he looked up at the clock, “um, he’s gonna be here in about an hour.” He looked a little pleased with himself.

“Good,” I purred. “Then you can tell your dad all about your little kissy-kissy with Robbie.”

He gulped and went pale.

“Mark, can we… can we wait ’til we see what we want to do first? All we did was kiss a little. Dad will freak out and I don’t want to add to all your problems. Please? I’ll tell him, just not today. Please?”

I looked at the two of them and weighed it. I didn’t like keeping secrets, but this one really wasn’t mine to tell. If the boys decided to just be friends, there wouldn’t be anything to tell anyway.

“For now. But guys, the minute it even feels like you two are going to do anything but sneak a kiss, it’s done. Understand? I’m trusting you two.” They nodded and looked relieved.

Then I got worried and excited and
fuck
. Antonio wasn’t trying to do anything except better himself. I knew how he struggled and felt ashamed he wasn’t making something more of his life. Especially when he looked at his son and felt… less than. Jason never looked at his dad with anything but unconditional love, but Antonio only saw the things he couldn’t give him. Was it so terrible that he just wanted to be a hero to his son? And if I was honest with myself, to be my hero too. I loved him. The doorbell rang, startling me out of my thoughts, and the food started to arrive.

I spread a tablecloth on the floor in the den, put on
The Fast and the Furious
, and we had a picnic. I could watch Vin Diesel and the boys could watch the cars. Or Paul Walker, I thought. But probably the cars. We grabbed pillows and cushions off the couch and lay there on the floor, one of my boys on either side of me.

They jabbered, hooted, and laughed until I felt myself begin to relax again into my skin. When the doorbell rang Jason jumped up to answer the door. When he came back in, all I could see was Antonio. He sat down beside me on the floor and I noticed Jason and Robbie sneaking off to the guest room.

“Remember what I said, you two, and we
will
be talking later. Got it?” I heard “Yeah, yeah” from the hallway.

I turned to him, and didn’t know what to say. When I opened my mouth to say “I’m sorry,” he beat me to it. “Can you ever forgive me?” he asked. I reached over and pulled him to me and hugged him so fucking hard.

“If you’ll forgive me for being such a dick,” I said. He started to interrupt, but I stopped him. “No, let me say this. I’m not happy with the way things went down, but I promised I’d never shut my partner out again. If anybody needs forgiving, it’s me.”

He shook his head against me, but I kept going. “This’s your dream. You aren’t leaving
me
, you’re chasing something for
us
. I want you to go. Just promise me you’ll be back as soon as you can.”

God. The look he gave me, so full of his heart and love. I reached over and turned the stereo on with the remote. Fuck, I forgot I’d left the “Lifehouse” mix with “Storm” in the CD deck. Our song. I pulled him up to his feet, into my arms and a slow dance. We had a lot more talking to do. About us, how we didn’t talk sometimes. But we’d weather this storm. Everything would be all right.

June 2009

“
R
OBERT
Allen Jennings.” The principal’s voice echoed across the field and we went bat-shit crazy. Robbie strolled across the stage with a huge smile on his face and turned to throw us a wave. That had Jason standing on his seat and hooting. Dad was almost as bad as he recorded the whole thing on his new PalmCam and grinned from ear to ear.

God, had it already been five years since this kid came into our lives? So much had changed since I sat with him at lunch that first day. And now he was graduating from high school. A year late, but after his time on the streets, I was so fucking proud he pushed through and did it. I didn’t have kids, probably never would, but this must be what it felt like. We’d be doing this again for Jason the next day, and it would be special, but this, this was what pride felt like.

All of the family was out tonight to see him have his moment. He didn’t know it, but there was a party waiting for him back at the house. A couple of old friends of his from Hope House were coming, and even some of his favorite staff. I had Jason call some of his best friends from school and they were going to be there. Patty had, of course, gone into Mamma Bear mode and organized shit even I didn’t know about.

When it was all over and the caps were thrown and all the graduates were saying all the things graduates do about getting together over the summer and BFFs and Class of 2009
rules
, we grabbed him and hugged the crap out of him. There may have even been some tears by the sisters. And me, dammit.

The boys were riding back with me, and somehow Robbie weaseled the keys out of my hands. Jason called shotgun, and I was stuck in the back. Those two always had their heads put together and tonight was no different. I kept seeing them glance back toward me and I got a funny feeling about this.

Finally Robbie cleared his throat. “Now, Mark, I don’t want you to get mad or anything.”

Shit. Subtle. “You better just tell me now. Which one of you thought whatever this is up and how much trouble are you in?” I asked. Another quick exchange of glances.

“See, the thing is, I know about the party tonight,” Robbie said.

I glared at Jason. Traitor. “Okay, I’m not… mad. But at least pretend so Patty and Dad think you’re surprised,” I told him. “And you, I’ll deal with you later,” I said in my bad-ass adult voice to Jason. The little shit rolled his eyes at me. Robbie took a deep breath and started again, and I could tell how nervous he was. That made
me
nervous, so I leaned forward and tried to settle him down.

“It’s not that bad—” I started and he blurted out, “Whatever happens don’t leave tonight. Stay. For me. Make it my present if you want to but don’t leave.” And he and Jason looked scared. I sat back and tried to think what could have the two of… them… so… Oh,
fuck
no!

“Pull this car over right now. Robbie. Now,” I grated out.

“Mark,” he begged.

I was so fucking mad I could see red. He’d promised it would only be a year, but eighteen months later and still no end in sight. I wasn’t even sure he was coming for his own son’s graduation the next day. I was… hurt, ignored. And now I was furious. I’d managed twelve days and about three hours without talking to Antonio and I wasn’t going to do it tonight, even if he had managed to get his ass home.

“Robbie, I’m serious. Let me out. I’ll walk home.” I started to take off my seatbelt.

“Mark,” he said a little louder. I wasn’t listening and wondered how badly I would get hurt if I jumped and did a tuck and roll thing like they did in the movies. My hand was actually on the door handle when he slammed on the brakes and shouted, “
Mark!
”

Jason was up and over the seat hanging onto me to keep me in the car while Robbie threw it in park and turned around. He grabbed Jason. “No, let him go if he wants to. If he’s too afraid to face it like a man. Fuck him.”

I was so stunned by Robbie,
Robbie
, saying that to me that I sat there, my mouth open. Jason let me go slowly and got back in the front.

“He’s sorry. He misses you. So he fucked up? So what. I know he tried to call you every day this week and you won’t even give him a crumb. You know what? You fuckin’ aren’t the man I thought you were. The man I knew was at the park looking for me at five in the morning when I ran away.
That
man forgave me for getting Brian killed,” and he sucked in a sobbing breath. “
That
man had Zev put in prison when he tried to come back after me the last time.”

I felt those words like physical blows. Black spots started to dance in the sides of my vision. A part of me was shouting,
Breathe, you fool
.

“Yeah, didn’t know I knew about
that
little tidbit, did you? You think I don’t talk to the boys I used to hang with? I know you called the cops the next day so I wouldn’t have to deal with it, and they found all the drugs and the new kid in his house. You saved more than me, you big dumb fucker.” And huge tears were running down his face. “So you fucking run now and all those other things you did for me that I can’t ever pay you back for? Those things don’t mean shit. You… your dad… Brian, you taught me how to be a man. So take a big shit on that for me, okay? Show me my hero is just a fucking coward. Okay?”

I didn’t say anything. “
Okay?
” he shouted into the quiet of the car. Jason pulled him into his arms and hugged him tight against him, comforting him. The only sounds were Robbie’s quiet hiccups and Jason’s whispers of love and support.

“You—” and I had to clear my throat, “you’ve got that backwards, Robbie. You’re my hero. Every fucking day, you’re my hero.” I reached up between the seats and pulled both their heads to me and kissed both their hair. After a long couple of minutes, I leaned back and put my seatbelt back on.

“Let’s go home, boys. We have a party to get to. And I’ll make you a deal. You act surprised and I will too.”

W
E
STOPPED
and got a couple of bottled waters and each went into the men’s room at the convenience store to freshen up. We could always blame the red eyes on leftover emotion from the graduation, but I didn’t want Robbie embarrassed.

As we pulled up to the house and stood by the car, I could see the party had started without us. I took a deep breath, pulled Robbie into a big hug and whispered for him to go enjoy himself. He looked up at me and I smiled. “I’ll be okay. Jason, go send your dad out. We’re gonna go take a drive and we’ll be back later, okay.” He nodded and jogged off to get Antonio.

“Mark, one thing I learned from you and Dad and Brian,” Robbie said and bumped my shoulder. “Forgiveness. You showed me how. Man, if you love him, forgive him. Or at least tell him why you can’t. But be honest with him.” Then he walked away and left me standing there wondering when he’d turned into such an amazing young man.

I leaned against the car and put my head down on my arms to think over what he’d said. I’d been here before, I thought. My fucking pride had almost cost me Brian. And Antonio. When would I learn?

I felt him before I heard him though. All this time, and I could still feel him when he was around. “Antonio,” I said without looking at him, my head still down.

“Mark,” he breathed, inches away from my ear. I could feel him fight the urge to touch me.

Finally I looked up and turned to him. Pulled him into a hug and whispered, “It’s still you. You’re still that man. Am I that for you?”

His whole body sagged against mine, and I had to hold him up. I heard him singing something into my ear. As if he could still sing our song to me, this could be fixed. And maybe it could.

I
WENT
down the hall while Antonio walked to the kitchen to grab a beer. I heard a knock on the door and went to see who the hell was there. It was the boys. They pushed their way in and demanded to know if Antonio was still there and what was going on. “I’ll tell you, but you better get back to your party, damn it. Dad and Patty—” I started to say to Robbie.

“Yeah,
they
sent us over here. Spill it,” the obnoxious little fucker said.

“Yes.”

“Huh?” Robbie said, looking blankly at me.

I said it again. “Yes, Antonio and I are gonna be fine.” Then grinned. He slowly smiled, then grabbed Jason and kissed him. And not a friendly little peck on the lips smooch either. I felt like I suddenly needed a shower.

Jason flushed and pushed Robbie in the shoulder, and said, “Not in front of
him
. He’s gonna tell Dad now.” Then he paled and said, “You can’t tell Dad. Please, Mark, let me tell him.”

“It’s about damn time. But one condition,” I told him, about to lose it.

“Anything,” he swore.

“I want to nuke some popcorn and have a beer and…,” I said and they both jumped me.

When Antonio came back in, I held them to their word. I did exactly what I said I would do—made them wait ’til the popcorn was finished and opened a beer. Sat on the couch and motioned for them to go on. When they finished, he grabbed the beer and swallowed it down, then went outside on the deck without saying a word. The boys looked at me, crestfallen and near tears. I told them to just hang out and wait.