Authors: Cindy Mezni
I couldn't help but laugh at his comment, a laugh sounding far too nervous for my liking. Stopping only to stare me straight in the eye, his hands reached for my arms and made them fall down along my body. He smiled at the vision, which definitely made my anxiety disappear.
“Are we taking that shower?”
I nodded and before letting my emotions overwhelm me again, I got rid of my underwear at last. Garreth followed my gesture with his gaze. I looked down at my feet so as not to be distracted by his reactions. With that last piece of clothing tossed to the ground, I took my courage in both hands and lifted my face. Garreth had his head turned towards the wall, his jaw as hard as ever. Who would have thought I would have such power over him? Not me. Too bad I discovered it in such circumstances...
Without a word, I opened the shower curtain and stepped inside. Garreth joined me, closing the curtain behind him. We met face to face in the small enclosed space, too close to each other and not close enough at the same time. We gazed at each other and gradually, I saw his face changing, his calm expression becoming a gloomy one filled with guilt.
“I'm sorry for everything,” he apologized, his voice sounding strangely as if he were trying hard not to crack. “Sorry for not being there to protect you...for not having arrived before...and for not being able to spare you all this suffering...”
Seeing him struggle to express himself and feeling the pain that tainted every word made me react. I couldn't remain indifferent to it.
“Shh...” I said, resting a hand on his cheek. “I'm still here and that's all that matters.”
Anything but convinced by my words, he seemed to dwell more in remorse and anger against himself. Desperate to chase all that from his mind and mine, I crossed the small distance between us and touched his lips with mine to distract him, but also to show him that everything was okay now. Without missing a beat, Garreth kissed me with a passion both feverish and desperate. He pinned me against him, his arms wrapped around me holding me firmly. One of my hands went into his ebony hair while the other wandered over him. Our bodies were so tightly pressed against one another that it was as if they were one. It was exactly what we needed, to have the other close. The need for air eventually manifested and we parted in order to catch our breath, but Garreth didn’t allow me to move more than a few minuscule centimeters away. His eyes were literally blazing and I felt both happy to have driven away his troubles for a little while and proud of making him feel this way.
“I won't let you get away,” he swore, firmly.
His hoarse voice caused a heady warmth to spread throughout my body. At that point, I finally felt good, really good, for the first time in this hellish day.
We showered and during the first few minutes, I focused on him and the need to make all physical traces of the evening disappear. I avoided looking at the reddish water flowing into the drain. Garreth understood my uncontrollable urge to remove the slightest mark of the torment that he and I had lived, each in our own way. After we finished washing ourselves we stood under the hot water, pressed against each other, not exchanging a word, enjoying this peaceful time that could have very well never happened if fate had decided otherwise. I took advantage of the moment to suppress all those horrible memories and focus only on the present. I felt Garreth was doing the same, his eyes no longer having that guilty and sad gleam that hadn't left him since I regained consciousness. But I knew that when I fell asleep, the horrors would be in my dreams and Garreth would surely blame himself for what I had lived.
He took us out of the shower when he noticed I was getting tired, and then pulled my old black robe around me before wrapping a towel around his waist. He took our dirty clothes, put them in a bag before throwing them in the trash. We returned to my room and Garreth immediately materialized with an oversized shirt and a pair of panties for me, then he put on some black boxers for himself. I put on the clothes and made my way to the cool and cozy sheets. I put my head on the soft pillow and let out a sigh of relief. It was good to be safe in my room after believing that I would never be home again. I felt the mattress sag at my side. Garreth drew me to him and let my head rest on his chest. I felt his lips wander to my wet hair.
“Sleep. I’ll watch over you,” he promised softly.
For some reason, the words of Travis’ mother came back to me and I began to wonder. Did he say the same words to this woman he had never told me about? Had she thought it was true and had she been wrong to do so? Did he really have her blood on his hands, as Travis’ mother implied? With all these unanswered questions, I found myself doubting. Why hadn’t Garreth spoken to me about it unless it was a painful subject and he did feel guilty? I reprimanded myself, realizing what I was insinuating. Garreth had killed people, he admitted it, but he said it was only during battles. I knew him well and I was sure he would never have done any harm to a woman he had loved. Travis’ mother had wanted to torture me mentally before doing it physically. That was all. And if Garreth had been silent about it, it was just because he felt guilty for not being forthcoming, not for having killed her...but for not having been able to
save
her. Just as he felt guilty about not having been able to spare me from suffering. That was the sole explanation.
“I know,” I finally whispered.
Ashamed of my suspicions, I told myself it was the result of this nightmarish day that had put my mind upside down. I finally closed my eyes and tried to forget that for a moment, I doubted the one I loved. Slowly but surely, I felt myself drifting off to sleep. A sleep that I knew, would be hell.
20
Looking for Answers
Almost two weeks passed since the night during which I nearly died. Every day was a test between my recurring nightmares, my panic attacks due to my post-traumatic stress disorder occurring without warning, and the fact that at each of these events, Garreth felt increasingly guilty.
Unfortunately, the problems didn't come alone and he and I still had to deal with other issues. I had to face the incessant onslaught of Hayden trying to get me back to her, especially since that fateful day when during a chemistry class, Thomas, a student, had dropped a vial and the sound of broken glass had triggered one of my panic attacks because I was taken by surprise and had believed a rebel attack was taking place right in the midst of class. But I didn't want to end up less than ten feet away from her. After what I lived in the forest, I was too afraid of what Travis’ brother...Asayae was his name...could do if he decided to avenge the death of his mother and those of the other insurgents. He had managed to escape with two other rebels, after all. It was painful to not be friends, but it was for her own good.
For his part, Garreth was tormented because Travis hadn't been placed on trial yet by the community. Leighton and I had explained to him the reasons that pushed Travis to betray us, but he said that his decision was inexcusable and he could have chosen a different path. Since then, he preferred to avoid the subject and spare me from the concerns haunting his mind. However, I had unwittingly eavesdropped on one of his phone conversations with Leighton and I knew that the other thing that tormented him was the body of his brother, Aidan. From what I learned in the book that Leighton gave me, there was a sort of rite among the
Enimae,
that consisted of burning the corpses, as dead
Enimae
didn't decompose, remaining in the same condition as at the time of their death. Judging by Garreth’s words, the community was awaiting his return to perform this ritual and was keeping the body in the meantime. And from what I knew from the discussion I had with him about his brother, I knew he needed to see his body.
But to do so, he had to leave Mensen for an indefinite period and I couldn't follow him. Garreth was told that some members of the community were hostile about the idea that I knew where they were. They feared that if I found myself in the hands of the insurgents again, I'd tell them about the location of the community to save my skin or to make the rebels stop torturing me. The horrors I had suffered returned to mind when Garreth told me about that. As horrible and shameful as it might seem, I had to confess that if I faced the insurgents again, I wasn't sure I would be silent if it could spare me some pain or even save my life. Despite the fact that I couldn't go there with him, a part of me wanted to let him go so he could leave behind the memory of his brother. Yet, part of me was selfish, wanting him here, knowing that without him, I couldn't face the consequences of what I had endured lately. With Leighton gone and Hayden not being an option, he was the only person who could understand me and help me get better.
I was still thinking about that when my cell phone vibrated on my nightstand, startling me. I pulled myself together and leaned over to grab my phone. In trying to do so, I made the book Leighton had given me fall to the floor. I sighed and leaned down to pick it up when something fell out of it. I put the book on my nightstand before looking at the sheet of paper. At first I thought it was a page from this very book, but no. It was a note and I recognized Leighton’s writing. I took the paper and read it.
“Deliah,
I don't know when you'll read this note but I hope it will be as soon as possible. I went to your home before leaving for the community and I left it while you and Garreth were sleeping. I would rather tell you this in person, but unfortunately, the recent events prevent me from doing so. It's imperative that you get a closer look at the stories of the book. Believe me, many answers are there. Look and you'll find them.
One last thing, Deliah: always trust your instincts. Always.”
I reread Leighton's note again, but emerged just as lost as after my first reading. She had come to my place before she went off, not knowing how long she’d be gone, and she didn't even tell me “goodbye,” “see you soon,” or something like that, but she told me this. I understood a bit because she had assured me that the way to overcome the insurgents without killing them was there, in the book, which was why she had offered it to me. However, it was strange. I felt that this note had a hidden meaning that escaped me and that Leighton had tried to make me understand something she wanted to entrust to me without actually being able to do it.
I would do what she asked, even if I didn't have the faith she had in this book. After all, how could stories help me put an end to a war? I had lived too many things these days to believe that these pages could help me stop people who were ready to do anything to reach their goal. Not to mention, how could a book give me the reason why
I,
among all living beings on this planet, was chosen to assume this heavy responsibility?
My mind filled with doubts and fears about the book, the prophecy and everything else. I put the note right where I found it and placed the book in the drawer of my bedside table when the door of my room slammed, making me scream in surprise and fear.
“It's just me!” Garreth assured me, his hands up in the air, standing in front of my bed.
I forced myself to resume normal breathing and calm the erratic rhythm of my heart while Garreth joined me on the bed, pulling me to him so I could put my head on his shoulder. He began stroking my hair gently, something he had become accustomed to doing each time I had one of my attacks. It calmed me quickly.
“Sorry about that. I didn’t...”
“No,” I interrupted with a certain hardness and he turned my face toward him to see what was going on. “We're in the middle of the day, in my own room and I know that the rebels can’t enter here. I shouldn't panic like an idiot for a door that...”
“Stop it. Right now,” he ordered me in a tone he had never used with me before.
He looked angry. No, he was angry. This attitude baffled me, because lately he had been more than patient with me.
“Don't say you're an idiot. You're not. You survived a nameless torture. A torture that most people wouldn't have survived. Anyone would be jumpy after experiencing such atrocities.”
He paused as if it was hard for him to say all that out loud. It was for me, anyway, his words brought the bad memories to the surface, making my stomach clench painfully. I’m sure it wasn’t any easier for him since he considered himself responsible for my torment. Because I wanted to discover what was going on in his mind, I didn't ask him to be quiet.
“You know how I reacted after my first battle, the one I told you about? I felt terror for several weeks. At the sight of blood, fear crept into me and paralyzed my limbs until, suddenly I could move again and flee discreetly from where the wounded were. Whenever someone took an appearance close to the animal that attacked and almost killed me, the same panic took over me. And look at you. Compared to me, you are a rock. You face your problems, you continue to live, despite the horror you have experienced.”
He took my face between his hands and his green eyes were on mine. I didn't know if what he said about himself was true or just to give me hope. I decided to believe it, wanting to think that if someone as strong as Garreth could have flaws and overcome them, I could too.
“I'm so proud of you. You're a fighter, a survivor and I am honored to be the one you chose when you could have had anyone.”
On hearing his speech, emotion took me by the throat. I tried humor, not wanting to continue listening to his compliments that threatened to make me cry.
“You're telling me! It's you who could have the world at your feet, not me.”
Garreth laughed.
“The world hasn't yet had the honor to see how great you are, that's all. The day will come when people will wait outside your door, hoping to get your attention even for a second, and all you will have to do is make your choice on who to bestow it to.”
I smiled. Garreth definitely had a gift for words.
“People can stay where they are. My choice is already made.”