Authors: Cindy Mezni
His lips found mine and he gave me an ignited kiss, similar to those he had given me when we showered together. Gradually, as he laid me on the bed and his body covered mine, a delicious fire that I had felt back then began to rise from the ashes. But everything was different because this fire quickly became an inferno with Garreth caressing my skin, the heat radiating from his body against mine, and the thought that on this day, nothing forced us to stop. My hands were lost in his hair before they went down to his chest and touched every inch of skin to which they had access. When my fingers were at his abdomen, getting lower without me realizing it, he pulled away from me, sat up and suddenly grabbed my hands in order to prevent me from putting them back on him. I sat too and stared at him, frowning because of the misunderstanding.
“What...What's the matter?” I questioned him, feeling uncomfortable.
I feared I had done something wrong. Maybe I had misinterpreted his ardor and his gestures? Maybe I acted too soon? Usually, it wasn't girls who rushed things, but knowing me, it wouldn't surprise me if I were the exception.
“Nothing. You did nothing wrong,” he reassured me, guessing the thoughts that tortured my mind. “It's quite the opposite, actually. I have self-control, but you're putting that to test, especially right now. That's why I stopped.”
“I don't understand,” I confessed, lost.
Why didn't he want to go further? Was it because of me? Because he thought I was too...fragile at the moment? I wasn't. Yes, I had panic attacks and nightmares, but that had nothing to do with this.
“Deliah, it won't happen now. Not like this,” he said in a firm voice, leaving no room for discussion.
Well, if nothing was going to happen, I wanted to know why.
“I don't see what the problem is. Here and now, or later? What difference does it make?” I asked, completely clueless.
Garreth sighed as if I exasperated him. Anyone in his place would have been glad for the girl he loved to show him desire, right? I was far from being an expert in this field, but of this, I was sure.
“I don't want it to happen like this, not with you. Not in your room, with the possibility of your sister or someone else interrupting us. Because believe me, I would react very badly if that happened.”
He pronounced the last sentence with such a fierce tone that I couldn't help but shiver slightly.
“I want it to be special,” he added, his voice having softened considerably.
“With you, it can only be special,” I replied without thinking. I blushed slightly at the idiocy that came out of my mouth and he laughed.
“I'm glad to see you're so confident in my performance.”
My embarrassment was quickly transformed into annoyance. That wasn't
at all
what I meant and he knew it. It was obvious that, for me, it would be a unique moment, regardless of where or when it would take place.
“Lila,” he sighed, seeing I was upset. “You're too special to me to have our first time be so common, without giving it any earlier thought or planning.”
The romantic girl in me was touched by his words. The independent girl was angry because she wanted to have a say in our relationship. Hell, the other day, when I put the record straight with him about our being a couple, I thought I had made it clear to him that I didn't want him to direct everything.
“You can't always make decisions for me or for us, Garreth. I also have the right to...”
He put his finger to my lips to silence me, noticing I was about to explode. His gesture didn't help my mood in any way.
“I know I've done it in the past but I can assure you that it won't happen again. In the future, decisions will be made together. But on this, I won't change my mind. Of course, if the time comes and you don't want to do anything, I will be perfectly okay with it but believe me, if it happens, you'll be glad that we waited in order to have a memorable recollection of our first time together.”
“Memorable, huh?” I said with sarcasm, my anger not having yet subsided. “For what reason? Your exceptional performance?”
Garreth wasn't offended by my tone and offered me instead his crooked smile that made me soften a little, in spite of myself.
“For that, and the place that I have planned for the occasion.”
I rolled my eyes before laughing. How could I forget his incredible forethought? It was so him to plan everything to ensure my well-being, my happiness. I wanted to offer a retort, but it would have been foolish on my part. He promised not to continue to direct everything and he had planned everything for our first time so it would be perfect. What could I say to that? Still...
“You annoy me, you know that?” I told him, pretending to still be upset.
“I know, but you love me anyway,” he replied, not fooled one bit before kissing me.
The kiss was brief, Garreth not wanting to tempt fate, which was fine with me. Our lips parted and we lay side by side. The silence settled between us, peaceful and relaxing. It was only after many minutes that Garreth's voice sounded again.
“You know the story of the bucentaure?”
Surprised by his question, I rolled onto my side and got up on one elbow to look at him. His eyes were closed and he seemed more relaxed than I had seen him in ages.
“Yes, I...watched it.”
Curious about this story since Leighton told me a bit about it, I eventually found the time to discover it. It was the story of the bucentaure told from the point of view of a young
Enimae,
Jackae. The human he loved was a young, peasant girl called Rosaline, and she simply called him Jack. One day, she found the beautiful Jack in her barn, sleeping on a pile of hay. He had dozed off after a long journey traveling from his village to another. Rosaline had given him food and in those brief moments that he spent with her, he had fallen under her spell and returned to her several days later. They had spent the whole afternoon together, near a river. Thereafter, they met almost every day in the forest. Jack had finally revealed his true nature and feeling scared, Rosaline fled. But a few days later, she returned to the place of their daily appointments to find Jack there, having desperately waited for her every day since her fleeing.
After many explanations about the nature of an
Enimae,
Rosaline had come to accept Jack as he was. She loved to draw and was accustomed, therefore, to sketch the various forms of her companion. Unfortunately, their hidden relationship didn't last long. The father of the young woman discovered their relationship in the most horrible of ways: he saw Jack pass from the form of a bull to that of a man before kissing Rosaline. The next day, the father encouraged the whole village to take torches and pitchforks to hunt the monster of the woods that had seduced his poor daughter. While Rosaline and Jack spent their day together, the villagers appeared and separated them by force. Jack tried to take the appearance of a bull to defend Rosaline, but full of fear for the life of his beloved in the middle of the mob, his transformation missed and he found himself with a human head and the body of a bull. That evening, he was savagely killed by the villagers, under the watchful eyes of poor Rosaline.
The villagers, who witnessed the brief transformation of the
Enimae,
had taken his appearance to that of a horse instead of a bull before his body had found his human form again after his death. It was what the
Enimae
nature wanted so that if a human fell on the corpse of one of them, he believed the
Enimae
was simply human or he doubted what he had seen in the first place. That's why after the death of Jackae, rumor spread of a half-horse, half-human monster, instead of one of a half-human, half-bull, and it was why the myth of the centaur, rather than that of the bucentaure, was born and spread like wildfire from village to village.
“When I was child, I loved this story because it was my mother’s favorite,” Garreth explained to me after a moment. “She often narrated it to me and I became fascinated by it, especially the idea of being able to take the form of a half-human and half-animal.”
His eyes still closed, he smiled weakly as if recalling a happy memory that made him nostalgic.
“At my age, taking the form of an existing animal was already remarkable. But trying to take one coming right out of my imagination was downright impossible. But I wanted to try, especially to impress a girl in our community and make her finally notice me. So one day, I tried, wanting my face to become that of a lion and my arms to sprout wings of an eagle, and my body to remain in human form.”
He stopped and I found myself hanging to his every word, eager to learn more. It was so rare that Garreth spoke about himself that anytime he confided in me, it had a particular importance to me.
“So what happened next? I asked him impatiently.
He shook his head, laughing, his eyes open now. He watched me and he eventually calmed down and told me: “It was a total fiasco. I was so nervous that when the girl finally looked at me just before my transformation, my brain had messed up and I ended up with an eagle's beak, feathers on my arms, and a mane and tail of a lion. I looked ridiculous. To make it even worse, the girl began to laugh along with everyone else and I was mortified.”
I knew how it felt, even if it wasn't for the same reasons, of course. The looks of pity on me when I was old enough to go to school because I was an orphan and my grandmother was considered a recluse in Mensen. Then, those of compassion, disgust or disdain when Annabelle had entered into adolescence and began to be known for her escapades. I knew what it was like to have all eyes on you and want to die on the spot because of it.
“That girl was stupid and didn't know what she was missing,” I declared after chasing away the sad thoughts that had assailed me. “She wasn't worth it if she laughed when you tried to do your best.”
Garreth rolled on his side to look at me and then, I noticed the sincere smile on his face and a gleam in his eyes so intense that I started to feel uncomfortable.
“What?”
“Nothing. You're perfect, that's all.”
I had to look surprised because his lips stretched even more into a smile.
“That day, I ran straight to my mother, still in this awkward appearance. She helped me calm down and regain my human form. She then comforted me by saying almost word for word what you just told me. She told me that one day I would find someone that was my perfect match. Someone who would support me at any time and, instead of laughing at my failures, would say that the most important thing was to have tried and done my best.”
His hand fell on my face while his fingers gently caressed my cheek.
“I think I can say that I found the one she was talking about.”
I watched him, unable to replicate anything after such a declaration. Gradually, Garreth looked a little melancholy. I knew he was thinking of his mother.
“My mother would have loved you and I'm sure she would have been proud to welcome you into her family. She would have considered you as her own daughter.” He swallowed hard. “I wished she could have met you, see that I had found the woman she told me about that day.”
Taken like him by the sadness of the moment, I lay my hand on his, which still rested on my cheek. I knew what it was like, this strong desire to share time with his deceased parents. Like him, there were countless things that I wished that my father, my mother and even Tess could see. One of them was my story with Garreth.
“I wish I could have known her.”
The moment brought me back to the dilemma I faced before Garreth arrived in my room. I knew, seeing his expression both pained and hateful, that Garreth thought back to his brother, Aidan. The evidence then jumped out at me. I had to let him go back into the community so that he could leave it all behind and move on. I would have to face my terrible dreams and panic attacks alone, but it was necessary for him, as for me. If Garreth didn't get rid of his own demons, he couldn't support me and help me chase away mine. Besides, we had a much more important thing to worry about: the prophecy and the means to achieving an end to this war. Until that was accomplished, everyone would be hunted, myself included, especially now that Travis’ brother, Asayae, was on the run and seeking revenge at all costs.
“You have to return to your community, Garreth,” I told him after taking a deep breath to give myself courage.
His face froze. No emotion could be read on his features or in his eyes. He was impassive, a sign that meant he was doing anything to prevent the collapse of feelings that raged inside him.
“What did you just say?”
“You have to return to your community,” I repeated, slightly shaken by his emotionless voice. “You have to go for...”
“I won't go, Deliah!” he interrupted me harshly, making me cringe in spite of myself.
When he noticed he had surprised me and scared me a little, he pulled back quickly to stand up. I sat as he walked away a few steps, his back to me. His hand that passed back and forth in his hair reflected his tension.
“There's no way I'm going to help Travis. I know you think that...
“Garreth...”
“...he has extenuating circumstances but for us, it doesn't work like that. Whatever the reason...”
“Garreth...”
“You face the consequences of your choices and accept your judgment. Travis must...”
“Garreth!” I cried to get his attention.
He paused and then looked at me.
“I don’t say this because of Travis. It's obvious he should have talked about it with Leighton and you, so that you could have found a solution together, but he made a different choice. The wrong choice. While I can understand that, I don't condone his actions and will never forgive him for the suffering I endured because of him.”
I breathed deeply, hoping Garreth wouldn't reproach me to use the conversation I overheard between him and Leighton.
“No, if I want you to go there, Garreth, it's for you to see your brother’s body.”
“How do you...” he began but stopped abruptly, understanding from where it came. “When I was on the phone with Leighton... You heard me.”