Authors: T L Gray
“That will become a very short list if you keep kissing me like that,” I admitted, fighting every instinct I had to turn around and attack him.
“You promise?” His words were so soft they could have been the whisper of butterflies, and his touch so tender that I wondered how anyone could have such gentle lips. He started to unzip the back of my dress and I froze, completely terrified.
He chuckled, laid back on the couch and pulled me in to join him. “I love your innocence,” he said stroking my arm. “You don’t see that much anymore.”
I turned around to face him on the couch and kissed him with all the desire I felt welling up in me. He let me drive the moment, continuing to be a total gentleman. When I wanted to stop, he just held me close while we talked for hours. I knew right then that he was all I wanted, in every sense my match. I was sure of it.
Jake became the perfect boyfriend after our dinner date. Even Issy noticed his devotion and stopped giving me the warning speeches each morning. He’d call or come by every night and we’d talk for hours about anything or nothing. It didn’t matter.
He was interning at one of the largest stock trading companies in North Carolina. He
took me step by step through what they were learning and how much fun he was having. I loved listening to every bit of it, so excited to see him happy. He was also opening up more and more about his past and with every new insight, I found myself falling harder and harder for him.
“I found my father, you know,” he said, stroking my arm one night while we were lying in my bed. “My mom didn’t think I knew who he was, but the town she lived in wasn’t that big, and it’s amazing what’s on the Internet.”
Jake had always been so cryptic about his dad that I didn’t want to do anything to stop him as he finally opened up to me about him. “Did you speak to him?” I asked cautiously.
“No. I had tracked him to Atlanta. He was an art director for a media-marketing firm, which is how I was able to find him. Just like in movies, they credit the designers on the websites. I had decided I would confront him; force him to deal with what he did to my mom, so I told
Issy I wanted to take her on a road trip to get out of town after her big breakup. She was more than eager to go. I parked outside his office building and watched people go in for two hours, wondering with each passing figure if it was him. Then we left. I haven’t been back.” He was staring at the ceiling as if in another world.
I had learned with Jake that there were only two options when he talked about his past, stay quiet or say something witty. If I said anything serious, he would immediately shut down and change the subject. I chose wit.
“Issy really let you sit there for two hours? I didn’t know she sat still that long!”
Jake smiled and kissed my nose. “It was six in the morning when we got there. She was still asleep. She woke up two hours later and insisted on breakfast. If not, I’m not sure how long I would have stayed there. I just can’t imagine how he could walk away and never once think to check on her. I was
so furious at him that I almost cracked my steering wheel, but something wouldn’t let me out of that car.” He was lost again in the past, watching the scenes in real time on my ceiling. I saw him shake his head as if to wake himself out of his trance.
He turned to his side and started kissing me, softly at first, and then with growing intensity. Jake had been sleeping over a lot lately, and each night we seemed to go farther and farther. He made me lose my senses and question every boundary I had ever set on intimacy. He was especially aggressive tonight, moving his hands all over me.
My mind was at war with itself. I wanted to succumb to the feeling, totally let myself go in his arms. But, I had always imagined myself waiting until I was married. I wanted my first time to mean something. I loved him…I knew that, even though I had never said it to him. He was everything I wanted.
I felt him start to unbutton my shirt. “Jake, I don’t know…”
“Shhh, just for a little while. I want to feel close to you.” He was kissing my neck and mouth with pure hunger, and I felt hypnotized by it. I started to question why I was even waiting. Most girls my age had gone this far with a guy many times.
Jake stopped kissing me
, and we locked gazes, each saying all we needed to with one look. He gently touched my face and whispered, “You’re so beautiful, Avery.” His eyes were penetrating mine, and I was so enthralled by his sincerity that I allowed him full access to my body and soul. I knew in that moment I wanted him to be my first and my last. I responded to every one of his touches, and Jake immediately sensed my wavering. He hesitated for just a second and whispered, “Are you sure?”
My body was on fire, and I had no ability to resist him any longer. “Yes,” I answered breathless. “I’m ready.” He leaned back in, his mouth consuming mine, and no more words were spoken.
Jake was still asleep as I studied him. He looked so serene and beautiful that I wondered if I was dreaming. I softly ran my fingers through his hair, feeling that our souls were now connected in some way.
Last night wasn’t exactly what I’d expected. Jake was careful and soft, and when I looked at him, everything else seemed to disappear. But the euphoric, out of body experience I had been promised in books and movies wasn’t there, and sometimes, it even felt uncomfortable. I pushed those thoughts aside and focused instead on how much I loved the man in my bed. He was warm and caring and made me feel like I was special. As if he knew I was thinking of him, he opened his sleepy eyes and looked at me.
“Hi,” he said with a slight grin.
“Hi,” I whispered back, my stomach in knots.
“Are you ok?” he asked, moving hair off my cheek.
“I’m fine.” His eyebrows peaked. “More than fine,” I corrected, laughing. He drew me into a bear hug and kissed me hard before getting up. He walked around the room picking up his clothes, and I turned my head, embarrassed at his exposure.
“Do you want breakfast?” I asked, feeling mildly insecure.
“No baby, I wish I could, but I have to get home. Big test tomorrow.” He got dressed so fast that it almost looked as if he was running away. I tried to settle the growing uneasiness in the pit of my stomach.
“I’ll call you later,” he promised, as he gave me one final kiss and was out the door. I stumbled into the bathroom, still in shock over what had just happened.
“Lord, I know there will be times in her life when she feels lost and broken. I pray in her weakness that you become her strength…”
7. heartache
My imagination was running wild, even though my heart kept telling it to stop. Jake had been by every night this week, but I couldn’t suppress the feeling that something was different. He seemed agitated and distant, leaving exactly at midnight every night as if he was waiting for his time to be up. I felt too insecure to ask him about it and instead pretended everything was ok.
Issy
was nowhere to be seen. She had finally agreed to a date with Danny, and I guess she had fun because she’d been sleeping over there ever since. The hole her absence left was staggering, and I quickly realized how much her cheerful banter did to lighten the mood.
We continued on that way until I finally found enough courage to ask him about it; he just said he had bombed his finance test and had to practically be perfect on everything else coming up. I knew the feeling. Thermodynamics had gone from bad to worse. I got a D on my midterm and even my study group stopped calling me, because I so often showed up without the work done. I didn’t know how I was going to recover. It was too late to drop the class without a “WF,” and my scholarship didn’t allow for any incomplete grades.
I snuggled up next to him on the couch and kissed his neck. “We could study together. I have a class that’s on the brink myself.” He stood up briskly and started pacing the room.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. He hadn’t so much as touched me beyond the required boyfriend hello and goodbye kisses since our night together. I was starting to question if he enjoyed it, or if he was even attracted to me anymore.
“Nothing…I’m just feeling smothered, that’s all.”
“By me?” I asked incredulously.
“Yes…I mean, no. Just by everything.” He wasn’t making any sense, and my gut started to turn with fear as I watched him continue to pace across the living room floor. “I just feel like you are putting pressure on me.”
I had no idea where this was coming from. A week ago we were locked in each other’s arms, him telling me how close he wanted us to be.
“Jake, I have never pressured you. I’ve never asked for anything.” I knew my voice was strained, and that I was on the verge of losing all composure.
“You think I can’t tell, that I don’t see everything you are thinking when you look at me? You wear your feelings on your sleeve, Avery, and I can’t measure up. You think I’m this perfect guy without flaws and I’m not.” His voice was getting louder as he spoke, but the pacing at least stopped. I felt like I was in an alternate universe, one that existed in the same plane, but belonged to someone else.
“I just think I need to take a break for a while, get re-focused.”
I was sure my ears had failed me because the idea of taking a break from him was like asking a bird to fly without air. I looked down at my chipping toe nail polish, at a total loss as to what I should say. He was breaking up with me.
He walked over to me and knelt down, taking my hand in his. “This isn’t a breakup, ok? I care a lot about you. I just need to spend time in my own place, doing some guy things for a while.”
I looked up at him, tears spilling over my eyes. “Ok, if that’s what you need.” I don’t know why I didn’t fight harder, why I let him leave without begging him to come back. Maybe I always knew it was too good to be true, that I would never measure up.
I spent the next two weeks in isolation, only leaving the apartment to go to class and work. With the apartment empty every night, the temptation to throw up was more than I could withstand. Episodes had become part of my daily ritual, the one thing I looked forward to when I woke up in the morning, eager to plan my next rendezvous.
I would think about what I wanted to indulge in all day and then go to the store and get exactly what I was craving. I was especially fond of all the things I had deprived myself of over the years trying to maintain my weight. I would then get into my favorite spot on the couch, keeping a close eye of the door, of course, turn on a good movie and escape into my own little world. It was the only thing that brought me peace, and I refused to feel guilty about it when my life was in such turmoil.
The bubble I was living in worked well until the crushing reality of school popped it wide open. I sat quietly in the waiting room chair, staring at the note I got from my advisor in the mail yesterday. I had an appointment to meet with him at four o’clock, and I was dreading it, knowing full well what we were going to discuss. Thanksgiving was next week, which left only two weeks before finals, and my grades were abysmal.
“Dr. Davis will see you now, Ms. Nichols,” the receptionist said in a sweet voice. She looked like she was in her mid sixties and had probably been working
in this same office since the University started. She had a kind smile, almost apologetic as if she knew what I was about to face.
I walked in the office that used to bring me such comfort. Dr. Davis had been my advisor since freshmen year, and we had always gotten along really well. It felt different in his office today, smaller, as if the walls were slowly starting to close in on me.
“Have a seat, Avery, I’m just going to pull your file.” His voice had the same calm, melodic tone it always had, but I sensed a bite in it I’d never experienced before. He sat down across from me and got right to the point. “You’re having kind of a rough semester, aren’t you?” I nodded, too embarrassed to look up at him.
“I also see that you only have one hundred hours of work study done, which is well short of where you should be right now. Anything you want to talk about?” He sat back and took off his glasses, waiting for me to respond. I simply shook my head as I unsuccessfully willed the tears to stay back.
Dr. Davis sighed and then continued on, “I don’t think there is any way you are going to average a 3.5 GPA with your current standing in Thermodynamics. Statics seems to have some hope, but a B is still the best you are going to manage. Luckily, your other two classes aren’t counted because they are electives, so you aren’t in jeopardy there. I think its safe to say that you will be on probation next semester, so you might want to consider the next step forward.”
I continued to look down at my hands, as I alternated wrapping a string around each one of my fingers.
“Avery, I need you to take this seriously.” He was getting agitated with me.
“I am,” I whispered. “I just don’t know what to do. I got behind early, and never was able to catch up.”
“We have a one-time grade replacement program here at the university. Mostly due to students like you who show great promise, but have one rough semester. I highly recommend you retake Thermodynamics and use it. Even if you get A’s in your classes next semester, a failing grade will keep you from averaging what you need. Not to mention, Thermodynamics is a building block class for your degree and without understanding it, your classes are just going to continue to get harder.”
I nodded. “I can do that.”
“You will have to pay for it, though. Your scholarship doesn’t cover repeat courses.”
“I understand,” I said, having no idea where I was going to get the $2500 I needed for the class.
“I’m also not giving you a pass on your work study hours. I warned you a month ago that you had to get serious. My grad student said you’ve been flaky at best and often incompetent. I was sure he had the wrong student, but he assures me it was you.”
His words
punched me in the gut. Never in my life had I been such a disappointment to someone. I was the stellar student, daughter and friend. I prided myself in always being the best in the class and constantly exceeding expectations. Yet, as I sat there, I realized how far I was from that person.
I hadn’t spoken to Cara in weeks, and even before, I didn’t think to ask her anything about her life, just clambered on about mine.
Issy no longer even asked me to go out with her, knowing I would sit and sulk the whole time. I vaguely caught the rest of what Dr. Davis was saying until he cleared his throat.
“Are you staying on campus for Thanksgiving?” he asked.
“I hadn’t decided yet.”
“Well, I recommend you do. You have fifty hours left in your
work study requirement, and I expect you to honor those. Thanksgiving break will be a great chance to get in some hours and my grad student needs the extra help with it being the holidays. He was less than thrilled when I said you would be the one helping him, but I assured him you would be the perfect assistant.”
“I will. I promise. I don’t know what to say except...I’m sorry.” My voice cracked a little as I choked out the words.
“I know you’re better than this, Avery. We’ll talk again after finals and figure out the way forward from there.”
I nodded and stood to leave, giving his receptionist a little wave on the way out. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to go home and face the loneliness that waited for me there.
I tried calling Jake, but he didn’t answer. We had spoken periodically the last couple weeks, but usually only when I initiated it. I missed him though. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be ok. I wanted to feel his arms around me one more time, just so I could feel worthy again.
Before I even registered my actions, I was on my way to his apartment. I had never just shown up there unannounced before, but I knew he cared about me and would understand when I told him what I was facing.
I walked to his door and lightly knocked, my stomach turning inside out with nervousness. He answered the door and my breath caught. I had almost forgotten how beautiful he was. He had on a pair of jeans and was shirtless. His hair looked like he had just woken up for the day and he was squinting at the light.
“Avery, what are you doing here?” he asked, fully surprised to see me standing there.
“I just needed to see you. Do you have a minute to talk?” I was careful as I glanced at him, silently urging him to let me in, but not wanting to give away my feelings as easily as he said I did.
I heard a noise in the background and immediately placed that thick southern accent. He wasn’t alone. I stepped back as if I had been slapped in the face and turned to head back to my car. I would have taken off in a full sprint if I could only get my legs to work properly. I felt Jake grab me on each arm and turn me around. My astonishment was such that my tears hadn’t caught up yet, a fact I was so grateful for as I looked him in the eye.
“Are you going to tell me it’s not what I think again?” I asked as if on autopilot.
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“I just don’t understand what happened. Was it all a lie, everything you said to me? Was I just some conquest for you? I cared about you…I loved you.” I knew I sounded desperate, but I didn’t care. My world was crashing all around me.
“That’s exactly why this doesn’t work, Avery. I’m not that guy. I never have been, and you look at me like your world is somehow complete because I’m in it. I’m done being what everyone wants me to be, Avery. That part of my life is over!”
His words were like bricks, each chipping away pieces of my heart. I looked at him though my tears. “I never asked you to be anything but who you are. All I wanted was to be there for you, to help you...”
“I don’t need your help, Avery. I’m not this wounded soul you’ve made me out to be. I’m just a guy in college who likes to have fun and isn’t interested in being tied down right now.”
“You said I could trust you! That I was special. I thought you cared about me. My God, Jake, you pursued me!” I continued to stare at him, searching his eyes for any remaining feeling that might be there, but there was nothing.
“You were special, Avery,” he said exasperated. He let go of my arms and ran his hands through his hair as if remembering. “You were this shy and innocent girl who charmed me with her wit. You were strong on the outside, but so soft and caring on the inside that I found you irresistible.”
“Jake, I’m still that person,” I said whispering, trying to convince not only him but also myself that it was true.
“Something’s different, Avery, maybe its you, maybe its me…”
I willed my ears to stop working, knowing his next words before he said them.
“…
but I just don’t see that girl anymore.”
That was it, the final blow. The crushing brick that you don’t recover from. I looked up at him, this man who held my heart, who I unashamedly gave everything to, and saw him for the first time. I wanted to vomit, to tear every inch of skin off my body.
Anything that would replace the crushing pain that had taken over my heart.
I didn’t remember walking to my ca
r or driving home. I existed in a daze, going through motions without registering them in my brain. I didn’t remember walking across campus, but somehow here I was, standing in the quad. I closed my eyes, trying to get my mind to start working, to process what was going around me, but the only thing I could feel was the hurt.
My h
eart pulsated in my chest, straining to sustain its normal function. Nothing made sense; nothing was in focus. I sat down, hoping to somehow end the crushing pain consuming my heart. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Everything I once valued and held true, I had discarded without any regard for the consequences.