Shattered Rose (14 page)

“She’s something, all right. You just never know what to expect next.” I was shaking my head, but my voice held nothing but affection for my quirky roommate.

“There’s a coffee shop on the river if you want to go. They have the whole area lit up this time of year for Christmas, and it’s a really beautiful walk.”

“I’d love that,” I answered, eager to get outside where the fresh air could wipe away all my confusion. I texted
Issy the new plan and let Parker guide me out the door.

The walk was every bit as he described. Trees were lined with white lights, each placed in perfect equal distance from the other. The walls along the river had swooping white lights coming together at wreaths made of red lights. The air was crisp, a perfect fall night that made you wear a jacket and scarf, but didn’t chill you to the bone.

Parker was giving me the background of the city and why they started doing the Christmas lights each year.

“You like to look beyond the obvious, don’t you?” I asked as we were walking.

Parker looked at me questionably as if to say he didn’t understand.

“You never take anything at face value,” I continued. “You always seem to have a story that goes along with it, whether it be Sheila in the library or even just a walkway by the river. Even me. I was a wreck when you saw me, on the edge of a complete meltdown, but you act like it never even happened.” I was looking down at my feet as I walked and felt him stop and turn me to face him, taking my hands in his.

“Avery, you weren’t wrecked when I saw you, and your story doesn’t define you.”

I shook my head. “I still can’t understand why you would even want to talk to me after seeing that.”

“What I saw that day was a girl who was broken and raw. A girl who wasn’t afraid to examine her life and figure out how to move forward. I sat there watching you and couldn’t take my eyes off you. The anguish was real, and I just wanted you to know someone cared.”

“That’s so pathetic,” I scoffed, angry
at myself for being so transparent.

“No, its not; it’s remarkable. Do you have any idea how many people never get to that point? How many go through life never stopping to realize that they’ve fallen? Avery, those peop
le can never get up. You can.” He was intently looking at me, almost pleading with me to believe him.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes,” he finally said when I continued to look away from him. “That night I saw you watching the sunset, it was like a ray of sunlight had descended. You looked so beautiful sitting there, waiting
, anticipating an answer from the sky. There was a hopefulness that drew me to you—a glimpse that something great is happening within you.”

He moved in closer to me
, and I turned my head to watch him carefully, not knowing what he was going to do or even if I wanted him to. I felt so confused. So struck by the difference of how I felt with Parker versus Jake. He pulled my hands up to his face and lightly kissed my fingers. It was soft and lingering, and warmed me to the core.

“Don’t sell yourself short, ok?”  He was still searching my eyes. I nodded and smiled weakly at him.  He turned to continue walking, but
kept his hand securely in mine, lacing our fingers together.

Jake and
Issy were already at the coffee shop waiting when we got there. I quickly took my hand out of Parker’s before we walked over to their table. If it bothered him, I couldn’t tell. He just said cheerful goodbyes to everyone and then turned to leave, giving me one last smile on his way out the door. I sat down at the table, and Issy got up to get a refill.

“What are you doing?” Jake asked, scooting himself over so we could whisper.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean having
Issy call me over just to parade another guy in front of me.”

I w
as horrified at his implication. “Jake, I had no idea Issy would call, and I certainly wouldn’t have let her if she had asked. You and I both know Issy does whatever she wants to.”

“And the guy?”

“Seriously? Are we living in two different realms of reality? You are sleeping with someone else. I don’t owe you any explanation.” I knew my tone was cold and accusatory, but I didn’t care.

“For the record, I am not sleeping with her. You judge things too quickly, Avery. I never said I didn’t care about you, just that I needed some space. I didn’t see that as a license for you to go hook up with a new guy.” He sounded furious at me, which only added to my confusion.

“I’m not hooking up. We just met, and it’s nothing more than friendship at this point, anyway,” I explained, suddenly feeling very defeated.

“Avery, that guy doesn’t want to
be
just
your friend.” His eyes were like daggers, reaching the very core of my heart, and he had grabbed my arm sometime during the exchange. I was sure people around us could feel the heat we were generating, and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable this close to him.

“Why do you even care?” I asked as I pulled my arm away. He didn’t answer
, and I was weary from our staring contest. I got up to leave, not saying another word to him. He stormed away from the table and out the door, leaving me to do nothing but wonder how it was possible to send so many mixed signals.

Issy
was uncharacteristically quiet on the way home. I tried to think like Parker would and see what was behind the surface, but came up blank. Issy was impossible to read.

“Is everything ok?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “Jake and I just got into a fight again. He’s so controlling; it makes me crazy.” After another second of silence, she added, “Boy, Parker really knocked him for a loop. I’ve never seen him so agitated.” She giggled to herself, pleased to be the culprit who was responsible. “At the coffee shop, he kept looking at his watch, asking me how long it takes to go just three blocks.”

“Why did you even invite him?” I asked quietly.

Issy seemed surprised that I didn’t understand. “I thought you’d enjoy showing him that you had moved on.”

I sat there quietly; my head was beginning to pound.

“So do you like him?” she asked.

“Who?”

“Parker! My goodness, Avery, the guy you spent the evening with!”

“Yes, of course I like him. H
e’s possibly the greatest guy I’ve ever met. I just don’t think I’m ready for him right now. I’m too messed up.”

“No one’s ever too messed up for a cute guy, Avery, especially one that looks at you the way he does. I like him! If you don’t act soon…I may just have to jump in.”

I shot her a warning glance, and she smiled, knowing she’d caught me. Issy was a master at getting people to spill their secrets and innermost thoughts. I sat quietly rubbing my temples, ready to be home, ready to make sense of this incredibly complicated evening.

I got to my room and locked the door. Being alone wasn’t helping; I just kept replaying all the scenes over and over in my mind. Jake rubbing my leg, Parker kissing my
fingers, Jake acting like he cared or worse—like he was jealous.

I felt that feeling in my stomach again, and I started pacing. I had gone three days. That’s a long time. I didn’t want to mess it up. I didn’t want to do this. Besides,
Issy was in her room, and she had heard me the last time. I couldn’t do it.

I felt slightly resolved and sat on my bed, taking deliberate breaths to calm myself down. I was clutching my comforter and willing my
mind to behave, but it refused. Thoughts bombarded me, thoughts of the dorm and how easy it had been to keep my secret.  Memories of how I would hide in my closet and throw up in a trash bag. No one ever suspected. The thought penetrated every part of my mind. I could get away with it. No one would know, and I wouldn’t have to deal with the crushing emotion that was consuming me.  The temptation was too much to fight. I grabbed my trashcan, made sure my door was locked, and headed into the closet.

I couldn’t get much up since I hadn’t really eaten my dinner and what did come up was so acidic it felt like daggers in my throat. The dry heaving wrecked my stomach, and my eyes were watering from the sheer strain of it. But despite everything, I felt better—felt more in control of my life.

I sat on my closet floor, breathing like I just finished a run. My hair was damp from sweat and my eyes were so heavy with exhaustion it took all my strength to clean up and hide the evidence. I looked in the mirror, so saddened by what I saw. I had failed again. I let out a heavy sigh...I would just start my count again tomorrow.

“Lord, I pray she knows your unfailing love and how to find refuge in the shadow of your wings. I pray she knows you delight in her and that in your light, she will see the true light…”

10
. parker

The air hung thick in the apartment on Sunday as Issy and I both tried to forget the weekend. Danny was calling constantly, and I could see Issy getting more and more agitated by it.

“Why don’t you
just answer it and talk to him?” I finally asked after she dramatically turned off her phone and threw it in her room. “Maybe if you just explain things, it won’t be so hard.”

Issy
sent me an agitated look. “I did. The idiot cornered me in the laundry room this morning.” She examined my face, apparently reading my concern for Danny. “Don’t look at me like that. I warned you this would happen.”

“I guess I don’t get it either,” I finally said. “You were with him for weeks and you even told me you don’t do more than one or two dates. Obviously you felt something for him.”

Issy stood up and crossed her arms. “Ok, I guess I’m just going to have to spell this out for you. I never felt anything for Danny. I don’t feel anything for guys, ok? Nothing. He was convenient. You were all brooding and sad, and I couldn’t stand to be in the apartment anymore. Aaron is funny, and Danny is sweet. That’s it. The fact that Danny fell for me is an unfortunate side effect, but I was very clear with both of you from the beginning that I don’t do relationships.”

I had known that
Issy practically had to take out a restraining order just to get men to stop calling her, but I had no idea how cold she actually could be when it came to them. This side of her kind of shocked me, and that’s when it hit me. I was Jake’s Danny. That was what Issy had been trying warn me about from the beginning. They were exactly the same.

“You’re right,
Issy. You did tell me. I’m sorry I pushed him on you,” I finally conceded, trying to hide the tears in my eyes. Knowing how easily Issy could toss Danny out just further confirmed how little Jake ever felt for me.

Issy’s
face resumed her playful smile. She held up two different movies for me to pick from. I picked the comedy. My own drama was enough in my life right now.

“Hey, I left driving directions on your desk for Thursday. I’m leaving in the morning, and the phone will get you lost,” she said as she loaded the DVD.

I was dreading this conversation, but I had to tell her I wasn’t going. “Issy, about that. I really don’t think it’s the best idea if I go. I mean it will only be awkward with Jake, and that’s the last thing you need while you are there. I’m really good just sticking around here.”

Issy
completely turned her body to look at me. “No way. You said you were coming, and I do not have the strength of mind right now to be in my dad’s house without some backup.” Issy was hard to turn down when she was being playful, but I decided turning down serious Issy was simply impossible. 

“Ok,” I resigned. “I’ll come.”

I started Monday out with a run. I was feeling suffocated from the hours we spent in the house on Sunday and couldn’t turn down the beautiful weather awaiting me when I woke up. I opted for just a three-mile trip, as I had to be changed and in the lab by noon.

I didn’t feel like thinking of Jake, so I didn’t run down fraternity row. Instead, I took a campus route, winding through all the most beautiful landmarks that defined Winsor. The campus was eerily empty this morning, with all classes cancelled for the holidays.

Thoughts of Saturday night made me pick up my pace. The confusion was gone, and what was left was pure, unadulterated anger. Anger at myself for being so weak, anger at Jake for walking back into my life just when I was starting to pick up the pieces again. I couldn’t believe he had the gall to imply I judged the situation wrong. What was there to question? He was half naked with a girl in his apartment! I felt my pulse start to spike, and my stomach was instantly bombarded with a million little butterflies. My pace quickened again as I turned the last corner to head for home.

The physical reaction my body had to Jake was infuriating, which just seemed to further exasperate the problem. I was almost in a full sprint when I passed the new medical school building.
The façade was a beautiful, red-brick with ceramic, terracotta roof tiles. The landscaping wasn’t finished yet, so red construction fences still surrounded the large sections of dirt. It made me think of Parker and of his genuine mannerism. How he made me feel safe and guarded and most of all, cared for.  A warm feeling ran though my body, and my mood immediately changed.