Authors: T L Gray
“You go to a whole different world when you’re studying, don’t you?” he asked, his green eyes making contact with mine. I breathed a sigh of relief…he looked relaxed, even amused.
“How long have you been here?” I asked, knowing that whatever concentration had been there just evaporated into thin air.
“At least ten minutes. I was starting to take bets with myself as to whether you were really that zoned or if you were intentionally freezing me out.”
I smiled, mostly at the idea I could ever play it that cool when it came to Jake.
“What are you reading?” I asked, wanting to turn the conversation away from
what a nerd I was.
“It’s a riveting book on international finance. What about you?”
I had almost forgotten Jake was still in college. I had yet to see Issy crack a book since I met her and was beginning to think I was the only one who had to study. “Oh, I have you beat. My pleasure reading for the afternoon is statics, the study of physical systems in equilibrium.”
He lifted his hands up as if to say I had won, and I saw his eyes dance again for the first time since he caught me singing in my room. “How much more do you have?” he asked curiously.
“Why, have you come to rescue me from my calculator?”
H
e appeared to be considering it for the first time, and nodded. “Yeah, let’s get out of here. I have someplace I want to take you.” There was no saying “no” to that, even if it meant I pulled an all-nighter to study for my quiz.
“Let’s go,” I
agreed, eager to spend any time with him I could.
We were only in the car about fifteen minutes when we pulled into Pisgah National Forest. We didn’t talk much on the drive, but he kept his hand on my thigh the entire way, which meant my mind was muffled and body was enflamed by the time we got there.
The trees were amazing this time of year and the colors were a vibrant red, orange and yellow, offsetting a perfectly blue sky. The sheer beauty and expanse of the forest made the campus trees look like bushes. “This is breathtaking,” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, I love it. Spent most of the summer up here, just letting nature
do its thing.” I wondered if helping him cope with grief was the “thing” that nature did, but I didn’t say anything.
We pulled into a parking area and entered the main building. Jake was shaking hands with the guys behind the counter while my mind started registering the harnesses, gloves and helmets on the walls. I turned my focus onto Jake just as I heard him saying, “I’m going to take her on a few lines, if that’s ok?”
The guys waved their hands and said, “Of course, you know you’re welcome to them any time.”
I could feel my palms starting to sweat and panic rise up in my throat. “Um, Jake, may I talk to you for a minute outside?” I whispered.
He seemed to sense my panic. After guiding me out the door, he put both of his hands on my shoulders. “You will be fine.”
“No, you don’t understand. I’m not like you or
Issy. I don’t take risks, even calculated ones. I can’t do this.” My voice was strained, and I could feel my heart pounding faster and faster. Jake looked me right in the eyes…I was captivated.
“Avery, you will be fine. You trust me, don’t you?” I simply nodded and followed him inside—back in the same trance I felt the first night at the club. Numbness consumed me as I let the shop guys lock the harnesses all around me, hand me a helmet and give me gloves to wear.
It was a mile hike to the first platform, and the majesty of the area almost made me forget where we were going…almost. I nervously watched my feet as the gravel trail crunched underneath me and wondered how many girls Jake had brought here. I felt him grab my arm, and when I looked up he had his finger to his mouth for me to be quiet. He kneeled down and I followed, trying to pick up what was in his line of sight. He pointed to a high branch about twenty feet away where a small blue jay hopped back and forth.
He leaned into me and whispered, “There is an old folklore about the blue jay and why they have such a noisy call. They say that blue jays were given superior beauty to hide their less than perfect character, and had a singing voice as beautiful as his feathers. Animals would come from all over just to hear his sweet song. But the blue jay became arrogant, so Mother Nature decided to punish him. One day when he went to sing, his voice came out as rough as his inner being, and it’s been that way ever since.”
“That’s a really sad story,” I whispered back.
He seemed surprised by my response, but brushed it off saying, “Yeah, but isn’t that the way it usually goes?” He stood us back up but kept my hand in his, our fingers intertwined.
By the time we reached the first platform, I had almost forgotten why I was apprehensive until I looked over the side and registered how high we were. Knowing I was going to be one hundred feet above the ground and staring at it are two very different things.
“Jake, I can’t do this.” My voice was barely louder than the wind.
“Yes, you can. I will be right here with you. You can trust me.”
I nodded, trying to bury my fear. He strapped my harness to the line and positioned his body right behind me. “Now sit in your harness seat and put your legs straight out in front of you. Grab the top line with your left hand and the bottom line with your right one. Use your right hand to slow yourself down,” he explained while I hung on every word.
“Now, Avery, step off.”
I closed my eyes and took the leap.
The feeling was spectacular. I had always felt running was like flying when the high took over, but nothing prepared me for this. The trees were surrounding me with their beauty and for the briefest moment, I felt the freedom I was constantly in search of. I could feel the wind whipping at my face and the sound of the metal on the line as I plummeted through the air. My feet hit the next platform and immediately strong hands were waiting to pull me in. I did it! Jake was seconds behind me.
He got his footin
g and then looked at me smiling. “What did you think?”
My inhibitions were gone. I threw my arms around him and boldly kissed him right in front of the world. “It was amazing!” I yelled, breathless.
He pulled me close, looking at me with such intensity that I thought I would catch fire right there. “Just wait until you do the next one.” His eyes sparkled with joy as he got me ready for the next line.
We did all ten of them, each one exceeding the next in height, speed and beauty. The Blue Ridge Mountains could be seen in the distance
, and the overall effect was magnificent. As we watched the sun start to drop on the last platform, I was struck with the significance of today. I had exceeded my own expectations for myself, and the joy and pride I felt changed how I could view the rest of my life. Jake gave that moment to me. I looked up at him with all the adoration I felt exploding out of me and gushed, “Thank you.”
He wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled my neck. There was no need to speak; words could only cheapen the beauty of the day.
It was as if the trees had bonded Jake and I together. We spent the next two weeks texting incessantly and sneaking off to be together every chance we got.
Jake and
Issy were still not talking, and she wasn’t saying much to me either. Issy was a lot of things, but stupid was not one of them. I was sure she figured out that Jake and I were dating.
The euphoria of new love consumed me. I couldn’t eat, could hardly sleep
, and my stomach was in a perpetual state of nervous excitement.
My schoolwork, on the other hand, was not fairing so well. I had somehow managed to keep a B in Statics, but in Thermodynamics, I was barely hanging on to a C. I knew if I fell below a 3.5 GPA, I would be put on probation from my scholarship, which meant I had one semester to get my grades back up or lose it for good. I knew I should care, but I just didn’t. In fact, there wasn’t much in my life I did care about right now, except for Jake.
I hadn’t run in over a week and got a stern talking to from my advisor about my lack of work-study hours. Even Cara was driving me crazy. It was like they were all bees flying around my head nagging me to give up the one thing in my life I cherished. I wasn’t going to do it!
Jake brought out something in me I couldn’t explain. When I was around him, I felt like I took on his qualities. I was more outgoing, funny, and even flirtatious beyond my normal comfort zone. He made me adventurous and fearless, things I had never been in my life. Cara, as usual, was my incessant buzz kill.
“I just don’t understand why it has to be ‘this you’ or the ‘old you.’ Why can’t you be both? Avery, you’ve worked hard for that scholarship and this opportunity. All summer long you talked about how much you loved it. I don’t understand how it could suddenly mean so little,” Cara lectured.
“It still matters to me, Cara; it’s just not the only thing that matters to me any more. I have Jake now, and he makes me happy.”
“Really, you have Jake. When’s the last time he’s taken you on a real date or anywhere in public for that matter? Avery, making out in the laundry room at your apartment complex does not make him a boyfriend.”
I blushed at the memory that stirred. Me, sitting on the table reading, Jake sneaking up behind me, kissing my neck and pulling me into his arms. He made me feel sexy and beautiful. I felt like he wanted me, and
the feeling was invigorating.
“Cara, you just don’t understand,” I said, sighing.
“I guess not,” she responded with equal resignation. After a long dramatic pause, Cara asked, “So, how is the eating?” I was taken back by her question, almost forgetting I had shared my deepest secret with her.
“It’s great. In fact, I haven’t felt this good about myself in years.”
“Avery, trading one obsession for another is not healing…it’s transference and it’s dangerous.”
“Cara, I didn’t ask you to be my psychologist, nor did I confide in you so you could hound me every chance you got. I’m fine, so leave it alone!” I couldn’t remember the last time there was this much tension in our relationship.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said after an awkward period of silence. “Let’s just talk later, ok?” We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone, but my heart was heavy. I felt like I was losing my best friend.
It seemed so unfair that I could find such happiness in one area of my life, while all the others seemed to be unraveling. Cara’s words bothered me, but I pushed them aside. Jake cared about me, and I wasn’t going to let her make me start to question that simple truth!
“Lord, protect her as she navigates through life, bringing forth truths that are so often hidden in the shadows…”
5. UNFORTUNATE TRUTHS
“Ok, I’ve decided I’m done being angry with you. I miss you too much!” Issy announced as she stood at my door. I was once again attempting to figure out my Thermo homework, which was becoming more and more like a foreign language I could not understand.
“I want you to come out with me tonight. You haven’t been out of this house in weeks
, and people are starting to wonder what’s happened to you.” Her arms were folded like a spoiled child, and I smiled internally thinking of all the fun nights I had been having “staying in” with Jake. I hadn’t heard from him yet today, so it was probably safe to make other plans.
“Ok, I’m in. Where are we going?”
“Do you have to ask? It’s Thursday night, two for one shots at Caesars…sheesh, have I taught you nothing?”
I laughed at her dramatic tone and said, “I missed you too, but if you ditch me again tonight…this will be the last time I ever go.”
“Cross my heart!” she promised and spun out of the doorway.
An hour later we were on our way. I felt dressed to kill in a blue, wispy mini dress that hit all the right places. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have had the confidence to pull off this dress, but since Jake, that had all changed. I even weighed tonight and had lost five pounds since he came into my life.
I wore my hair down and matched Issy’s strut, step for step. She winked at me when we walked in the bar, garnering all kinds of stares. Issy, of course, was used to this type of attention. She was practically a celebrity in school, partly due to her father’s alumni status and partly due to her unmatched personality. The fact that she was drop dead gorgeous didn’t hurt either. But for me, I felt like it was my coming out party. I felt like I could stand on a table and say,
Oh yea, I’m with them…and I belong here.
Issy
came back with two drinks in hand. The bouncers at the door stopped carding her a long time ago. I sipped on the brown liquid that seared my throat as I scanned the room, looking for anyone I knew. I spotted Aaron and Danny hanging at a table off to the side and waved at them. Issy rolled her eyes, but I pulled her that way. “Danny’s nice. You should give him a chance,” I scolded.
She sighed, but conceded. “Ok, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when that poor boy’s heart gets broken.”
We walked up to the table and both boys stood up. Issy mesmerized Danny as I watched her flirt shamelessly with him. Aaron eyes violated me as usual, only tonight it didn’t bother me as much.
“Avery,
you look…delicious,” he purred, moving closer to me.
I smiled coyly at him, trying to match
Issy’s motions. I had no interest in Aaron, but I loved the attention…and couldn’t seem to get enough of it, which was the total opposite of how I felt the first time I met him.
Issy
pulled me onto the dance floor and song after song, she and I were surrounded. Sometimes Aaron and Danny would cut in, but Issy never liked to stay with one partner for very long. I began to understand her love for this place. No wonder she had such confidence. Who wouldn’t after this?
I scanned the room again and
felt my heart leap into my throat. Jake was standing at the bar, looking perfect as always. He had his confident swagger going as he reached out to grab his drink from the female bartender. He leaned in for a European style hello kiss and dropped a bill on the bar.
I smiled to myself; how did I get so lucky? I watched him as he crossed the room, shaking hands and talking with each person he met. People were drawn to him like moths to a flame, and I was no different as I started to make my way over to him. He turned the corner and found his seat and that is when I saw her. He had his arm around her and was nuzzling her neck like I’d felt him do to me hundreds of times. She was a different woman from the one with him at Sammy’s, taller, but definitely more endowed. She had red curly hair and was wearing a dress so tight it left nothing to the imagination. I knew she was prettier than me and had curves in places I never would.
I felt my drink start to come up and made it to the bathroom just in time to make the toilet. My heart was racing, panic in full swing. I tried to get myself together as the tears bombarded my eyes. I looked in the mirror. It was a different picture. The thin, confident woman was gone and in her place was someone wearing a dress way too short for her imperfect legs.
My hands were trembling and the “fight or flight” feeling was starting to take over my entire body. “You have to calm down!” I told myself sternly. “Breathe in and out, in and out. You can do this.”
I had managed to pull myself together enough to make it back to my table where Issy was dramatically telling a story about the time she went skydiving, and her parachute got jammed. Danny hung on her every word. Normally, I’d be mesmerized too, but all I could do was tell myself, on repeat, not to turn around and stare. It was a good fifteen minutes later before Issy noticed Jake and started eyeballing me.
“You ok?” she asked, appearing genuinely concerned.
“Oh course, why wouldn’t I be?” I lied with every ounce of conviction I could muster. I still didn’t know what was safe with her.
“No reason.” She paused for a moment, but continued to try and read my thoughts. “You want to go say hi to Jake?”
“I thought you still weren’t speaking to him?”
“Well, making up with you has been such a success tonight, I figure why stop there.” She kept watching for my reaction with catlike intensity.
I started to feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny and squared my shoulders. “Sure,” I said as if I didn’t have a care in the world.
Issy
made her way through the crowd with determination, pulling me along beside her. I had to play it cool. I had to keep myself under control. Coping had never been my strongest skill. In fact, I downright stunk at it. Running and well, the
other
thing, were all that had ever worked to take away my anxiety when it came. But tonight I would have to find a way. As soon as Issy got to the table, she jumped on Jake’s lap and hugged him tight. “I forgive you,” she announced, her eyes dancing with amusement.
“Really,” he mused, “and to what do I owe this honor?” He was bantering, but I could see him relax immediately. I tried not to stare, but he looked so sleek and handsome in his pin stripped shirt and jeans that I could feel the jealousy burning inside of me.
“Well, it’s been lonely without my big, bad protector. And honestly, it’s not nearly as fun when you don’t have someone to tick off.” Then, as if seeing her for the first time, Issy turned to the redhead and said, “Hi, I’m Issy, nice to meet you.”
The girl had a thick southern accent and responded, “I’m Rebecca, Jake’s friend. You must be his spunky little cousin I’ve been hearing so much about.” Her hand was rubbing his thigh, and I felt my stomach clench.
“This is my roommate, Avery,” she said as she stood up.
I simply gave a small wave and a fake smile. My voice had failed me
, and I feared my knees would follow if I did much more. Jake refused to make eye contact with me, but other than that, he seemed completely unaffected by this little meeting.
“Well, we have more dancing to do and definitely more shots to drink, so you cats have fun. Jake, don’t you dare start lecturing me until at least 2:00 a.m. That is a perfectly acceptable time for a Thursday night.” He smiled and saluted his cousin, sending a wink her way. In all the time I’d known
Issy, I’d never once envied her…until that moment.
I leaned into her as w
e walked away. “I think I’m ready for a little of that two for one action now.” She just smiled and made a beeline to the bar. I slammed them both down without a thought, wincing at the burn in my throat, but hoping they would miraculously make everything better. They just made it worse.
We joined Danny and Aaron again, but as much as I tried to feel better, I couldn’t. Even Aaron’s crude comments and “accidental” grazes did nothing to improve my mood.
I looked over at the table where Jake was sitting, but they were gone, and so was my resolve. I pretended that I was so drunk, I had to get home before I got sick, begging Issy to leave. I doubt she bought it, but to her credit, she took me home anyway. Turns out, Issy was a pretty good friend after all.
The shower did little to drown my tears as I tried to scrub my body clean of the disgust I felt for it. Nothing helped. I closed my eyes. I knew what would help…I just didn’t want to do it. I had been making it months without an episode…now it was barely weeks.
After the last time, I realized I had to be more careful with a shared kitchen. I had bought food just in case and hid it in my closet. Until this moment, I had forgotten it was there. Two weeks of binging on Jake had cured me of any desire to binge on food, but Jake was an illusion. He was like two sides of a coin, and with each flip, you didn’t know which side you would get. I locked my door, turned on some music, and pulled the box down from the closet. I wanted things to make sense, to match the expectations I had for them. I couldn’t control Jake or his feelings for me, but this…this…I could control. Or at least that’s what I told myself when I took the first bite.
My depression felt even more constricting when I woke up Friday morning. Class was definitely not happening. I’d just get the notes later. My head was throbbing from the dehydration I knew I was facing after last night’s ordeal.
I checked my bathroom again to make sure all the evidence was gone and re-hid the food and wrappers in my closet. I knew I needed some healthy coping this morning and resolved to go on a run as soon as my headache died down.
Issy
was in the kitchen making her hangover juice and looked up at me when I walked in. “Wow, you look better than I expected,” she said, surprised.
“What do you mean?”
“I heard you yakking all night. I almost came in to check on you. I really didn’t think you were telling the truth when you said you didn’t feel well, but wow, was I wrong. Girl, you are a light weight!”
I was frozen in time…she had heard me. My need to protect myself took over every instinct in my body, and I was able to lie to her without any of my usual constraints.
“I know. I’ve never been so sick. What was in those shots?” I paused for dramatic effect and sat down. “There’s no way. Had to be something I ate yesterday.”
“Well, whatever it was…I don’t want it. So take your juice and go on your crazy run, and don’t come back until you can promise I won’t be doing the same thing tomorrow night!” I looked at
Issy as she disappeared and thought,
Don’t worry, someone like you will never have to do what I did last night.
She had it all.
After several glasses of water and
Issy’s famous hangover juice (I really had to get that recipe), I felt good enough to go on a long run. Danny and Aaron were just pulling up when I started running. They honked at me, and I stopped by the car, leaning into their opened window.
“You feeling better?” Danny asked
, looking concerned.
I could feel my face burning as I lied again. “Yes, I guess I just ate something that didn’t settle in my stomach. So, did you have fun last night?” I asked, wanting to change the subject.
Issy had been very attentive to him all night.
“Why? Did she say anything?” Danny
pressed, unable to hide the smile on his face.
I held in a laugh and immediately felt guilty remembering
Issy’s words. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed Danny on her. “Sorry Danny, but if it makes you feel any better, Issy never talks about guys.”
He looked disappointed
, and Aaron leaned over him to look at me. “How far you running today?”
“As far as it takes to clear my head,” I answered honestly before I could stop myself. “I’ll catch you guys later.”
I took the route around the campus lake and just did an easy pace. It hit me on the trail how disappointed I was with myself. I had walked into this year confident and strong. I had gone months without throwing up and was at the top of my class. Now, I was barely hanging on in two classes and one of them felt like a lost cause. My confidence was shot, and I had deluded myself into believing that an incredibly hot, kind and extraordinary man was falling for me just because he told me a few of his secrets. I wasn’t strong…I was desperate. I shook my head, disgusted, wanting nothing more than to escape my body.
I passed by the playground that marked the halfway point and stopped. I used to love to swing as a kid. It would make me feel so alive and untouchable. I found an open one in the middle and just started moving back and forth. It was slow and methodical at first, but with each pump, I felt my adrenalin start to increase.
“I thought I might find you here,” a voice said behind me. I just kept swinging not wanting to acknowledge the source. He was quiet for a long time, just watching me and then finally spoke up, “So, you’re not going to talk to me? Get my side of the story?”
I slowed down enough to look at him, knowing full well I was wearing all my emotions on my face despite my efforts to hide it. “Not if it’s a story. I think I’ve had enough fairy tales for a while.”