Shhh...Mack's Side (27 page)

“Scare her?” I asked, feeling the frown between my brows. Was this guy for real? “I want her away from Gianna Edwards. I don’t want her anywhere near the things that girl is capable of.”

“That girl is still my daughter, Mack.”

“No, see that’s where you’re wrong. Gianna doesn’t have your blood pumping through her veins. She has your brother
’s.” Calm down, McKenzie. Breathe. Slow. Deep. Breaths.

“Mack, please sit down.”

Breathe. Keep it together. “I don’t want to sit down. I want YOU to go get my daughter.” Shit. This wasn’t working. Calm the hell down, McKenzie.

“I’m not bringing her to you like this.”

“Like what, Kyle? Hypersexual?” I sang, moving close to him, to his scent, to his delicious lips. No. Stop it. We’re talking about Abigail, not sex. Shit. Where the hell did this emotion come from? I wasn’t hypersexual five minutes ago. Yes I was. I felt the throbbing as soon as I saw the V on his chest. I wanted to run my fingers through it.

“
Do you want me to get your doctor?”

“I. WANT. YOU. TO. GET. MY. DAUGHTER!” I screamed. I didn’t mean to do that. What the hell was I doing? I couldn’t do this. Not now.

“Kyle?”

Oh shit. Was this bad?

“Mark,” Kyle nodded.

Yup this was bad.

“Call security,” a nurse yelled, I didn’t know which one it was. I think there were at least three of them, running to either my scream for my child or the two grown men, knocking over tables, pulling the curtains off the wall, and throwing punches.

“You son of a bitch,” my dad said, obtaining a gut punch. My mom and the nurses got them apart after Kyle through a left hook to my dad’s jaw.

Security hauled them out and I was left standing with my mother, mouth opened and wide eyed. I could hear the wind chimes. I didn’t want the wind chimes. Dropping to the floor, I wrapped my arms around my knees and rocked. I didn’t know how else to handle everything without reverting inside my own demon filled mind.

“Are you okay? McKenzie?” I could hear my mom. I knew it was her voice, but I couldn’t make it out. Was that me? Was I crying? I didn’t cry. I didn’t have that emotion. It broke when I was five. When I heard the wind chimes.
I broke it again when I buried my baby, blaming that one on the lack of medication.

“Where am I,” I asked the strange lady. Where was my mom? This wasn’t my hospital room. “Why am I restrained?” I asked, pulling on my cuffed wrists.

“You’re at Twin Springs. We’re going to help get you all better. How do you feel?”

“Twin Springs?”

“You’re in a treatment center. Don’t worry, we’re going to take good care of you. Do you feel like you could eat?”

“Untie me.”

“We will, sweetie. Let me go get your doctor. She’s been waiting for you to wake since you got here.”

“How long have I been here? Where is here?”

“New York. Is that what you meant? Do you remember the flight here?”

I shook my head, trying to remember what happened. My dad and Kyle fought. Security took them away. My mom was trying to calm me. The wind chimes, and the ear piercing scream that was
mine, and Abigail. I didn’t get to see her.

“Where’s my mom?”

“I’m not sure. Let me get Doctor Montgomery for you.”

“Montgomery? Lila Montgomery?” I hoped, trying to sit up. I couldn’t. My hand
s and legs were restrained.

“Yes. I’ll go get her for you,” she smiled.

I turned my head, looking for a clock, anything to help me remember how the hell I got here. I was in North Carolina. I flew on a plane and didn’t even remember it. There was no sign of the time in the clean, safe room.
Twin Springs, where peace is your friend
. I snickered, reading the fancy writing decals above a wall mounted television.

I never did understand why they called these places things like that. Twin Springs, meant to portray serenity. Bullshit. They should have just called it what it was. A fucking mental hospital. Goddamnit. I screwed up again.

“Hey, stranger.”

At least I had Lila. I smiled, happy to see my old friend. She really needed to
retire. I could tell that she had aged even if it was only a little over a year since I had seen her.

“Get these things off me,” I said light heartily. I was very pleased to see her.

“You’re not going to knee any more men in the crotch are you?” she teased, unstrapping my wrists.

“Um, being
that I don’t remember doing that, I’m going to refrain from digging myself deeper. What the hell is going on, Lila? I don’t want to be here. I want to see my daughter.”

“You will. You’re not
leaving here until we have you regulated again. You can’t just stop taking your medicine like that for weeks. I’m keeping you here until you understand that.”

“Oh, well you’re in luck. I understand. Now let me leave,” I pled, rubbing my wrists.

“Sure you do. You’re the most stubborn patient I’ve had in all my thirty-seven years.”

“But you love me.”

“Hmm, I’m going to refrain from responding to that one. How are you feeling?”

“Like I always feel. I feel fine.”

“You’ve been through a lot, McKenzie. I want you to deal with it.”

“Deal with it? How do you suggest I do that?”

“Lose the bitterness and resentment.”

“Toward
?”

“Where should I start?”

“Humph, isn’t that the truth?”

“Let’s start with your dad. How do you feel about that?”

“Can I get up?”

“To pace?”

“Yes. And I have to pee.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know how I feel about it,” I called from the bathroom, dropping my gray sweatpants to my knees. That was another thing about these places. The clothes were hideous. This particular hospital uniformed sweats with purple tee shirts. I hated purple. I have ever since my pretty girl stage back in school.

“Okay, let’s figure it out.”

“What’s there to figure out?” I asked, going to the window. I always did that. Why did I always go to the window? Hey. I knew this place. I was here before, I remembered, looking to the familiar parking lot. This was the place I stayed for three days when Lila was out of town and I decided it was okay to walk down the sidewalk of the Big Apple shirtless. I got an STD from some idiot that weekend, and didn’t even remember it. The purple shirt represented Tuesday. Tomorrow would be yellow. Pretty pastel colors.

“What do you know about it?”

“Well, from what I gathered. My mother met my dad, Mark, in college. They dated through school, but split when she wanted to go back home to Michigan and my dad took a job in Rhode Island. She got pregnant with me by my real dad, but I think she was still in love with my Mark dad.”

“Why do you think that? Did your mother tell you that?”

“No, not really. Maybe I’m just trying to make a fairytale out of a messed up situation.”

“In that case, continue.”

“I picture my dad causing a lot of problems. I think he couldn’t handle knowing he might give this Bipolar Disorder thing to anything he created. I bet he wanted my mother to get an abortion, because he knew what my life would be like. I think he hung himself because he couldn’t fathom the thought of doing that to another human being.”

“Wouldn’t that make it all for nothing? I mean, he knew you were going to be here with or without him, right?”

“Yeah, but I still think in his mind, like mine, the thought of someone you love going through this was unbearable.”

“Is that why you left her, McKenzie?”

Damn. She always did this. “Yeah. What if she’s like me, Lila? What if it’s already starting? It could be, you know.”

“Maybe, but this disorder is very manageable. Do you know how many people live with this disease? Lots.”

“Yeah, and do you know how many of those people took their life just like my father? Googled it once. It’s astronomical. Are you bipolar?”

“You know I’m not.”

“I do. That’s why I think you can’t know what a life like this is. I don’t think you can learn it from a text book.”

“Are you doubting my ability to help you, or just insulting my intelligence?
Do you know who Nelly Bligh is?”

“Of course. I’ve read everything there is to read about places like that.”

“Well I have done what she did countless times throughout my years.”

“You pretended to be crazy to live in an asylum? I think you’re a liar. If you purposely put yourself in one of these
, there is something seriously wrong with you.”

“Possibly, but I needed to be put there to see, to feel, to let all my senses soak up what this disorder does to people. I think I have a pretty good idea.”

“I would argue that, but I really can’t. You’ve helped me more than anyone. I appreciate that. I really do. And you’re here now. I need to see her. I know the signs to look for. He doesn’t. She needs to be with me.”

“Signs? Like what?”

“Well, like how I used to nervously twist the bottoms of my shirts. How I used to bite my nails so low they hurt. How I used to pull hairs from my arms, one by one. Lots of little things like that. I would know. He’s not going to know.”

“I think he will. I’m sure he’ll be on top of it, McKenzie. And you never know. She might be perfectly fine.”

“I hope. I feel my entire life has been a lie. Nothing is what it seems.”

“But, if yo
u see it in a positive spectrum, it’s all out, right? You can move forward from here.”

“All but the wind chime
s and the beach. Why do I keep having that vision? Something happened that day, Lila. I know it did.”

“What if it didn’t? What if it only happened in your mind? I once had a patient
that swore he watched his child sink in a lake. She was in a Volkswagen and he couldn’t get her out. I could tell you lots of stories like that. Maybe that part is okay to be let go of now. Let’s focus on what’s more important.”

Maybe she was right. Maybe that was a figment of my imagination. I would have to think about that.
She was right about focusing on more positive things. Abigail. I wanted Abigail.

“How long do I have to stay here? You know how much I hate these places.”

“I want you to do some group therapy.”

“No way. I’m not doing that. You should know me enough to know that’s not going to happen. Half these crazies wouldn’t know what the hell I was saying
, anyway. I’m not doing that.”

“They don’t put you with people that aren’t like you. I want you in group therapy. You’ve got to learn to let things out, McKenzie.”

“I talk to you. Don’t I talk to you? I’ll do therapy with you.”

“Your mother is here. She wants to come in and see you.”

“My mom’s here? In New York? Why?” I would get back to the group thing later. My mother was here? That made no sense to me. My mother was never here. Why now? What changed? First the hospital in North Carolina, and now here. Why?

“Because she loves you, and she’s concerned about you.”

“Wait. I know what you’re doing. I’m not being counseled to mend how broken my mother and I are. If she’s even my mother. She can find her own shrink. I have dibs.”

“You can’t dib humans,” Lila assured me
, opening my door and waving down the long hall. I watched a girl walk down the hall carrying a Cara in her arms. Shaking my head, I tried not to think about it. I had my own problems. I couldn’t go caring about why some crazy was carrying a doll like a real child.

“You can call dibs on humans. Gia and I used to do it all the time.”

“This is a little different than high school boys, don’t you think?”

“I wasn’t talking about high school boys. I didn’t call dibs on little boys, remember?”

“Yes, we’ll talk about Kyle later.”

“Hi, b
aby. Are you feeling better?” my mother asked, embracing me in an awkward, we don’t do this, hug.

“Yeah, I guess so. I don’t even remember coming here. What happened?”

“You’ve just been through so much. I think it finally caught up with you.”

“I don’t remember any of it. I flew all the way to New York and don’t remember it.”

“Dr. Longhand gave you something to keep you sedated.”

“He doesn’t really have a long hand. I’m fine. You can go.” Shit. I didn’t mean to say that out loud.

“Your dad and I were talking about disability. I think you should get on social security disability and come to Texas with us.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let’s sit,” Lila offered, waving to the table with four chairs. White. Everything was white. I never understood why places like this did that. Why not yellow like the sun, pink like a rose, or red like blood? No
, not red like blood. Green like the grass.

“You don’t think she should stop trying to work and take care of her health, or you don’t think she should come home with me?”

“Neither. McKenzie’s mind would never let her sit at home. She needs to keep it engaged in something productive, and as far as moving to Texas, I don’t think that’s such a good idea either.”

“You didn’t see her at that hospital. She needs someone to be there for her.”

I snorted. “Mom, you have no clue what I’ve done on my own. I’ve spent the night in jail for removing my clothes on Broadway. I’ve ran through dark woods alone, in search of aliens, I’ve had sex with five men at once while in a manic state of hyper sexuality.

“
I’ve done it right under your nose, remember? The times you’d tell me to stop acting like a fool and go to bed? Kyle was there. Kyle was the one that saw me through my window and stayed with me, even if it was on the phone. Knowing he was right there with me was all I needed. You were never there. It was always Kyle.” I was impressed at my ability to stay calm. It wasn’t what my mind was screaming for me to do at all.

“McKenzie, I didn’t know how to be there. I was afraid.”

“Afraid of finding me hanging from a sheet in my room?”

“Yes. That’s exactly what I was afraid of.”

“I was so alone, Mom.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, McKenzie.”

“It’s fine. Just go to Texas with Dad. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll figure it out.”