Silken Desires (21 page)

“Oh, Niña! No crying. You just tell him.
Simple as that.” Pilar said, matter-of-factly. “You love each other
the same. I know this. You two kids need to stop the bickering and
just love one another.”

“There’s more to it that that, Pilar.”
Roxi’s voice quieted.

“What else could there be? Love is love and
that’s that. With true love everything works out in the end.”

“Well, you know about the playroom,
right?”

“Ay Dios mio! Yes, I know about it. Jonathan
goes in there sometimes and insists on talking to me from that
room. I will not step in there; I talk to him from the doorway. You
kids are much kinkier than back in my day.” Jonathan tried to hold
back a laugh hearing her say “kinkier” with her native accent, and
she was clearly uncomfortable with the topic. “You know Carlos
would give me a spanking every now and then, but that was it for
us. None of those silly contraptions or gadgets.”

Roxi giggled. “Why Pilar, spanking
is
a bit on the kinky side!” Both ladies laughed, but when the
laughter died, Roxi continued. “Pilar, please don’t think any less
of me for what I’m about to tell you.”

“Never niña, never.” Pilar’s voice went
soft, so welcoming.

Roxi continued. “I really enjoy those things
in that room.” She quieted for a moment. “I mean I
really
like them. The rougher it is, the better. Jonathan on the other
hand doesn’t like to be too rough. Not my kind of rough, and this
is a big problem for us both.”

“I see.” Pilar kept her voice strong.

“I like to feel pain, but Jonathan doesn’t
like to hurt me, even though I’ve given him permission. That’s
where our problem lies. I left last year because of it, and I
thought we’d both be better off, but I found that wasn’t the case.
Now that I’m back, I still don’t see a way to make it work.”

“Sweetheart can you not enjoy what he has to
offer you intimately? Do you really need more than he can give you?
I see what’s in that room. It’s all very intimidating to me, but I
know Jonathan and I’ve always known he would never really hurt
anyone in there, so I never worried. You’ve proven me correct in
that matter, but there has to be something he can come up with in
there that you’d both enjoy. Can you not work on it and try to find
a happy medium for the both of you?”

“I don’t know, and I feel too much time has
passed for us to discuss it. I don’t think he wants me anymore. He
won’t talk to me. I tried last night. He dismissed me. I was only
here last night because I talked him into letting me stay over in
the guestroom. Nothing happened between us.”

“Give him another chance,” Pilar said,
loudly. She knew he listened in. He’d have to thank her for
this.

“Something else occurred to me last night. I
had plenty of time to think about things, and being back in this
house I felt like I was home, like I’m meant to be here. It just
feels right Pilar. While I was feeling that, my mind went wide
open, like it’s never been before, and I realized why I ran away.”
Jonathan wanted to edge around the corner to listen better but he
didn’t move, he wasn’t even breathing for fear he’d be heard.

“Why dear, why did you run?”

“The day I left I knew Jonathan couldn’t
provide for me like I needed. I left because that frightened me.
That was the day I knew I liked pain, it scared me, but I also
figured out that I left to find another Jonathan. A
replacement.”

Jonathan let out a breath and sank to the
floor. Did she find him? The man that would replace him? Was that
man Liam?

“I found a man who could give me what I
needed and recently found out he is a caring loving man, but he’s
not
Jonathan. So it could never work.”

Jonathan felt some of the tension leave his
body. He pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his head back
against the wall, draping his hands over his knees.

“I thought long and hard about staying here
and being miserable, fighting all the time with Jonathan, or going
off with a man who cares about me and loves me and can offer me the
pain I need. In the end I know I’ll choose love.” Roxi sniffled.
“I’d rather be in love and miserable than happy without love. Does
that make me screwed up, Pilar?”

“No dear, love is a powerful thing.
Especially the love you two have.”

“I also figured out that I probably don’t
need as much pain as I once thought. While I was away from
Jonathan, I was in so much emotional pain that I used the physical
pain to help block it out. It was easier that way.”

“Oh, you poor thing you, I’m glad you’re
back. You are staying, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I’m staying. As much as we can’t work
as a couple, I can’t be away from him, he’s my lifeline. Even if
all we ever are is friends, that’ll have to do. I love him so much,
Pilar.” Roxi started sobbing harder, and Pilar’s soft words spoken
in her native language were a soothing sound to his ears. Jonathan
was about to get up and head to his room when Roxi spoke again.
“I’ve always dreamed of being Jonathan’s wife and you’d be our
housekeeper and nanny, because I wanted children.”

“Every girl has dreams like that. That’s
normal my dear,” Pilar said.

Jonathan froze over her admission. Children?
Wife? They never discussed getting married, Ever. Except that time
in sixth grade. They had discussed a lot of things in their lives,
was this one of them that was to be expected even though they
hadn’t actually discussed it as adults? Was it to be assumed?
“Shit,” he murmured. He didn’t know.

Jonathan remained in the hall on the floor
while Roxi and Pilar continued to speak. He couldn’t listen any
longer as his mind wasn’t able to handle it. The only thing he
could manage to think was, “What the fuck?” and that got him
nowhere.
So, she once dreamed we’d be married. Does that mean
she still dreams of it, or has that past?

All along, he wanted nothing more than to
marry the woman he’d loved his whole life, but he never brought it
up in conversation because he truly thought she didn’t want
anything to do with marriage. Boy, did he fuck up.

In sixth grade Roxi got her hands on a
bridal magazine and she paged through it. He saw her folding pages
over and asked her about it. She explained, “When we get married
this is what my dress will look like.” Opening the magazine, she
showed him a frilly white floor-length gown. He smiled, remembering
how excited she was, and how she would never as an adult step foot
into all those frills. “Oh, and this is the ring you will give me,”
she had informed him. The pictured displayed a solitaire heart-cut
diamond ring in yellow gold. Roxi no longer wore yellow gold, she
preferred white gold nowadays.

The women’s footsteps headed his way. He
wanted to get out of Dodge so they wouldn’t see him sitting there,
but his ass was rooted to the floor still in shock. He couldn’t
move. When they turned the corner, Pilar smiled. “My job here is
done. I’m taking the day off. If you need me, call me.” Letting go
of Roxi’s hand, she nudged her toward Jonathan.

He looked at Roxi’s face and her hand
splayed out across her chest. “Jonathan? How much of that did you
hear?”

He got to his feet. “Quite a bit, actually.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but when I walked around the
corner, the look on Pilar’s face told me not to interrupt. So I
didn’t, I stayed here and waited for a time when I could, except
there was never a good time.”

“So what now?” Her voice sounded raspy.

“We need to talk.” He led her to the couch.
“Stay right here for a minute. I’ll be right back.” He waited until
she sat and then he ran to her bedroom. He grabbed her phone and
called Liam, inviting him over.

***

Roxi sat on the couch feeling duped. Pilar
dimed her out, and Jonathan went with it. After she thought about
it, she wasn’t mad at either one of them. She was thankful. The
truth finally came out. The ball was in Jonathan’s court now.

After several long minutes, Jonathan joined
her on the couch. He sat sideways facing her. “Look at me,” he
said, half in his Dom voice. She turned automatically, and he took
her hands in his. “Obviously we need to discuss things, but first
and foremost you need to know, and to understand, that I love you
with all of my heart. I always have and always will. In fact, I’ve
never stopped.” Her heart fluttered and her stomach twisted hearing
the most beautiful words ever. However, she sensed there would be a
“but.”

She opened her mouth to respond. He didn’t
allow it; he put a fingertip to her mouth silencing her, shaking
his head, and then he smiled a small smile. “Let me finish first,
and then you can have your turn.”

She nodded.

“You know how I was raised, you how my
parents were so cold to one another. I’m not sure they were ever in
love, maybe at first, but not for as long as I can remember. I
always knew when I married; it would be a union that I’d never
break. My love for one person would be forever.” He reached up and
cupped her cheek. “That person has always been you. We never
discussed it. I was waiting for a time when the subject came up
between us. Somehow, I assumed you wanted nothing to do with
marriage, maybe because you never brought it up, either. And the
few times I heard you talking about it with others you were so
negative toward the subject. I figured you’d hint around to it if
you were interested. And you never did. How come?”

He lowered his arm and she immediately felt
the loss. Both of her hands reached for the hand that left her face
and she wrapped her fingers around it. “You never did, either. I
just always thought we would get married one day, and that I didn’t
need to bring it up. We were
Roxi and Jonathan
. Always and
forever. Everyone knew that.”

He whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Someone entered the room; she assumed it was
Pilar coming to get something she’d forgotten.

“Jonathan. Roxi.” Liam’s greeting.

Pulling her gaze from Jonathan, she looked
up at Liam. “Why are you here? How did you get here?”

“Jonathan asked me here. I drove.” He nodded
toward Jonathan.

“What’s going on?” she asked, feeling a bit
panicky.

Jonathan knelt in front of her, taking her
face in his hands. “I asked him here. I have things I need to
discuss with you both. I hope that’s all right with you. I’m sorry
but I called him from your phone earlier. It’s important.”

“Okay,” she replied shakily.

“Angel, don’t worry. It’s all right.
Breathe.” That got her attention, she was slipping away, and he’d
known it. He got her attention, bringing her back, and it warmed
her heart.

She smiled. “I’m fine.”

“Good. I asked Liam here because I need to
know how you feel about each other. I’d like to hear it from the
both of you. Liam, please sit anywhere, make yourself comfortable.
Would you like a drink?”

“No, thank you.” He sat in a chair next to
the end of the couch near Roxi.

“I’ll go first.” Liam cleared his throat. “I
love Roxanne. I came back to see if she’d return to New York with
me, but while I was here with her in her environment, I noticed one
important thing.” He looked Roxi square in the eye for the first
time since he arrived. “She’s in love with someone, and it’s not
me.” His gaze turned to Jonathan.

Roxi sat there bewildered at how her early
morning was turning out. She didn’t respond to Liam as what he said
was true.

Jonathan’s expression was guarded. “Roxi,
how do you feel?”

“I—I’m sorry Liam, but I don’t love you the
way you love me. I care about you and I do love you in friendship.
I never knew, I really thought you were gay.” She shrugged her
shoulders.

“I’m bisexual, and while it’s true I do
gravitate toward men more than women, I somehow fell in love with
you, and I didn’t realize it until you’d gone.” He ran a hand
through his hair, and then he palmed his thigh. “Knowing you and
understanding you, I know you can never love me like you do
Jonathan. When I figured that out, I backed off and treated you as
an equal and no longer a bottom. I’m booked on the first flight out
tomorrow morning. Alone.” He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.
Roxi’s chest ached.

“I’m so sorry.” Roxi got up to kneel at
Liam’s feet. Taking his hand, she kissed the back of it softly.

Liam lifted her chin to look at her
directly. “Never, ever feel sorry about being in love. Love is a
beautiful thing when it’s shared by two people who feel the same
for one another.”

From the coffee table, Jonathan picked up a
black box she hadn’t noticed before. It was a square box the size
of a dinner plate. He stood above the both of them, her on the
floor and Liam in the chair. “I’d like for us all to go to the
gardens out back, it’s too nice of a day to be inside, and I think
the fresh air would do us some good.”

As they walked to the gardens, Roxi could
see how beautiful a day it really was. She smiled as the sun’s rays
splayed across her face, and a nearby bird sang a song while a
slight breeze tickled her hair across her cheek.

Reaching a garden bench by the fountain,
Jonathan motioned his hand. “Roxi, come here please.” He placed the
box on the seat.

Liam stood on one side of the bench out of
the way while Jonathan took Roxi’s hands in his. “Roxanne. I love
you, and you’re the only one for me. I’m not asking you to marry
me, not today, but I want you to have something.”

Jonathan took the box in his hand once again
and pulled back the lid exposing a thick black leather collar with
a lock and key. Roxi’s eyes grew wide.

“I got this for you just before you left
last year. That’s when I thought we both enjoyed the same type of
play, and wanted the same lifestyle.” He ran his knuckles down her
cheek. “I know we’ve both grown since then, and things have
changed, we’ve changed, but I still want you to have this. I had it
specially made for you.” He removed the collar from the box and
showed her. The silver lock was engraved. On one side it read:
Roxi & Jonathan
. And on the other:
Always and
forever.