Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work (37 page)

Coincident with his release after seven years, a psychiatrist at his prison attended one of Hare’s workshops. The psychiatrist had read
Without Conscience
and informed Hare that, while in prison, Grambling had an affair with the prison psychologist and that they planned to marry following his release. This same psychologist did psychological evaluations for the parole board and previously had attempted to gain Grambling’s early release.

The psychiatrist stated that the interesting thing about the affair was that he had showed a copy of
Without Conscience
to the psychologist, but that it apparently had no effect on her “love” for Grambling.

280

S N A K E S I N S U I T S

The psychologist’s actions were in violation of state and professional guidelines. She lost her job and her reputation. We don’t know the psychologist’s motives for her actions, but we do know that what she did is not at all uncommon in prisons.

8. Avoid the Psychopathic Bond

Subtle charm, impression management, and manipulation techniques may convince you that a psychopath likes who you are. You may feel excited at this time, believing that the psychopath genuinely likes and respects you. You also may “know” that the relationship, whether personal or professional, will grow.

Over the course of a long conversation or a series of meetings, a psychopath will try to convince you that he shares many of your likes, dislikes, traits, and attitudes. This need not be stated openly; in fact, psychopathic manipulation can be so subtle that you might be guided to this conclusion just by hearing the psychopath’s life story.

Of course, psychopathic stories are carefully crafted to mesh with an individual’s hot buttons and weak spots. In all of the cases we have reviewed, the thought of finding someone who shared their values, beliefs, and life experiences was very seductive.

At this point, the psychopath tries to convince you that his integrity is without question, and that the relationship is based on honesty and trust. At this stage most individuals report having shared a goodly amount of personal information with the psychopath, believing that the things they had learned about the psychopath’s life were true and deeply personal. They did not suspect that they were being lied to or that much of what they had heard was fabrication.

Psychopaths eventually guide you into believing that the two of you are unique, very special, and destined to be together. They portray themselves as the perfect friends, employees, or business part-Hot Buttons and Weak Spots

281

ners. This may take considerable time and effort on their part, and the grooming will be subtle. The sad truth is that the psychopathic bond is a sham; it does not exist except in your mind. You now are potentially open to psychopathic use and abuse.

Sensitivity to the bonding process is good preventive medicine.

Be wary of falling for someone’s story too quickly. Solid relationships take time to develop and grow; apply critical thinking and careful assessment along the way. If you feel that this person is too good to be true, try to prove yourself wrong.

9. Do Not Collude in the Psychopath’s Game
Once the psychopathic bond is firmly established you will find that your hot buttons and weak spots are used to gain your compliance and to reaffirm the relationship. Surprisingly, the resultant back and forth may strengthen rather than weaken the relationship. Criticism (“You’re too fat; nobody else will love you!”), threats (“I’m not putting up with this anymore, I’m leaving!”) or intimidation (“Don’t make me hurt you!”) are effective manipulation and coercive techniques. This is especially true in relationships in which you find yourself doing what the psychopath asks (even if it is not in your own best interest) in order to maintain the intense bond. Healthy relationships tend to be balanced, with each person giving and taking.

Psychopathic relationships are one-sided; you give and the psychopath takes (money, a place to live, sex, power, control).

Fighting Satan

Derry Mainwaring Knight was sentenced to six years in prison in England for defrauding a number of wealthy and influential Christians who believed they were helping him to fight devil worshippers in a satanic cult. He had ingratiated himself into a
282

S N A K E S I N S U I T S

church community and convinced the members that the devil had taken hold of him and that the only way to break away was for him to become head of his own organization, the Sons of Lucifer.

In this way, he said, he could destroy the satanic cult from within.

But to do so, he needed to buy a great deal of expensive satanic regalia and black magic artifacts.

The rector of the church was hooked, and enlisted the support and financial aid of many prominent politicians and businessmen.

One even provided a Rolls-Royce automobile so that Knight could impress other members of the cult. The money he received was spent on a lavish lifestyle. He was charged with nineteen counts of fraud.

In his defense, he stated that he had no need to defraud anyone because he made up to $25,000 a week from his prostitution ring! Following his conviction, his mother stated that he had bilked her of $92,000. She also said, “He often told me that you can always take Christians for a ride because they won’t take you to the law. Jail is probably the best thing that could happen to him.”

In many cases, friends, family, and coworkers see what is going on and may try to warn you. Well-meaning comments such as, “He’s no good for you,” “Get out of that relationship,” and “You can’t trust him or her” often go unheeded or may lead to your estrangement from family and friends. The psychopath reinforces the isolation, and sometimes, as in the case of psychopathic cult leaders, demands it.

They Don’t Get It: 3

Sebastian Burns and Atif Rafay were given three life terms for savagely murdering Rafay’s mother, father, and sister in Washington state for $500,000 in insurance money. Rafay and Burns apparently believed that most people were stupid, that intelligent people were above the law, and that the only crime is to
Hot Buttons and Weak Spots

283

get caught. But it is Burns who stands out as the more calculating, callous, arrogant, and grandiose.

Following their conviction, Burns addressed the court in a two-hour rambling, self-serving oratory described by the judge as

“chilling” and by the prosecutor as something he had never seen before: “But then, I’ve never seen anyone like Sebastian Burns before. He’s a psychopath,” he said.

Reporters described Burns as being tremendously articulate, more like a high-school debater than a convicted criminal, and as holding some audience members spellbound. The judge commented, “Mr. Burns, you are not immoral, you are amoral. You have no moral rudder whatsoever. You are an arrogant, convicted killer. You will be responsible for your premeditated, naked, vicious massacre of this family.” Burns portrayed himself as a victim and said the police got him to brag about the murders so that he would impress important criminals who were trying to recruit him.

Hare’s view is that the court performance by Burns was bom-bastic, disjointed, contradictory, confusing, and confused. The fact that some members of the audience found it compelling is a tribute to the ability of some psychopaths to put on a good show without saying anything of substance.

While he was in custody, the twenty-six-year-old Burns was caught having sexual relations with his forty-three-year-old married public defender. The Bar Association recommended that she be suspended for one year, but the state supreme court increased her suspension to two years and ordered that she undergo a psychological evaluation before being reinstated.

If you find yourself being dominated by a boss or coworker or on an emotional roller coaster, seek outside confirmation. If you find that the interactions are damaging, it is time to end it. Often, family, friends, and coworkers can assist you or provide you emotional support as you transition out. In abusive situations, you may need to get the advice and assistance of the authorities or other trained professionals.

284

S N A K E S I N S U I T S

10. Try to Deal with Self-Doubt and Denial
The opportunistic, deceptive, and manipulative behaviors of psychopaths can be as bewildering to the victims as they are devastating.

Many victims become racked with self-doubt, blaming themselves for whatever has happened. Others deny that there is any problem at all. In each case, doubts and concerns about the psychopaths in their lives are converted into doubts about themselves. The problem is greatly exacerbated when a victim cannot convince others, including family and friends, that someone else is the cause of the problem.

“Everyone thought that I was the problem” is a common refrain of those who have dealt with a psychopath.

If you are lucky, others may see things for what they are. In an organizational setting, these can be coworkers with no utility to the psychopath, former victims, or the organizational police (see chapter 6) who are sensitized to the possibility of manipulation and deceit.

In one’s personal life, these can be family members and friends.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to convince someone in the grips of a psychopathic bond that they have missed something or do not have a complete picture of what is going on. Even when data are presented to these victims (perhaps a suspicious motel receipt or a mysterious charge on a personal credit card), they exhibit denial.

Like the psychopath, they may blame others for falsifying the information, they may slough it off as a misunderstanding, or they may even conclude that it is nobody else’s business because of the degree of trust they put in the psychopath.

It is very difficult to help someone consumed with self-doubt and denial. The best that family, friends, and coworkers can do is to help the victims get the assistance they need either through referrals to an employee assistance program or other trained mental health professionals. At the same time, concerned observers should be alert to the possibility of continued or escalating abuse at the hands of the psychopath.

Hot Buttons and Weak Spots

285

11. If Abused, Seek Help Immediately
Should victims raise questions to the psychopath about his or her behavior or decide to ask the psychopath about inconsistencies they have noticed, they risk retribution. At first, the psychopath may ve-hemently deny any improprieties, and turn the game into an attack on the complainant. At this stage, most victims will feel ashamed that they doubted the psychopath, and will come to doubt themselves even more. Should they persist in expressing doubt or concern, they will certainly suffer escalating abuse at the hands of the irritated psychopath.

Abuse can take many forms but usually affects us in three ways: psychologically, emotionally, and physically.

Physical abuse, the most obvious, can be manifested in black-ened eyes, bruises, cuts, and so on. Often, as in the case of abused spouses, physical aggression goes unreported. Family members, astute friends, and coworkers who notice it may try to intervene, but are often forced to stand by helplessly because the victim refuses their assistance. Any type of physical abuse is dangerous, as psychopaths—along with other abusers—tend to escalate their attacks over time.

Emotional and psychological abuse is much harder to evaluate by outsiders, although it can be devastating to those in a psychopathic relationship. Emotional abuse often leads to anxiety, distress, depression, inability to sleep, and generalized fear. Psychological abuse can lead to lowered self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt, and psychological pain. Individuals abused by psychopaths feel they are not themselves or something is wrong with them. They often blame themselves for the abuse, wondering, “What did I do wrong?” Because our thoughts and feelings affect how we behave, victims may begin to do poorly on their jobs and get easily distracted, agitated, reticent, or overly emotional. Psychopaths use emotional and psychological abuse to control their victims.

286

S N A K E S I N S U I T S

If a victim of abuse, you should seek advice and counsel from those around you—friends, family members, or trusted colleagues—

or, depending on the type of abuse, the authorities or human services providers dealing with these types of issues.

Is Your Partner a Psychopath?

Recent research indicates that about 20 to 25 percent of the men who persistently abuse and batter their wives or partners are psychopaths. In many jurisdictions spousal assault results in jail time, but some courts give the abuser a choice of going to jail or taking part in a court-mandated treatment program, particularly if he is well educated, articulate, and without a previous criminal record. This may be the only time a psychopath will vol-untarily seek treatment. The problem is that he will
appear
to make good progress, receive a document attesting to this progress, and will return to his partner a “much-improved man.”

The reality is that there is
no evidence
that psychopaths derive any benefit from treatment or management programs. The consequences of this exercise in futility are borne by the partner.

Psychopathic batterers should not be given the option of avoiding jail by undertaking treatment.

12. What to Do When You Realize

You Have Been a Pawn

Eventually, the unexplained lies, inconsistencies, negative feelings, and feedback from friends and family reach a point when the victim begins to realize that he or she has been a pawn in a psychopath’s game. It may take a lot of validation, and a lot of time, for the realization to sink in.

Hot Buttons and Weak Spots

287

Love Fraud

Donna Andersen is a freelance writer in Atlantic City, New Jersey, who was conned and bilked of her savings by a psychopathic bigamist, James Alwyn Montgomery. In trying to make sense of what had happened to her, she read Hare’s book
Without Conscience
. “His book described Montgomery precisely,” she wrote on her website (www.lovefraud.com), to which the reader is referred for extensive personal accounts of her own experiences and those of others who have been burned by psychopaths (whom she refers to as
sociopaths
). She wrote, “Montgomery told me two kinds of lies: