Starr Destined (Starr Series) (14 page)

“And I love you too, Liam.  But I can't live like this.  I’m beginning to feel trapped, as if I can't breathe.  I have to be allowed to be me, not just an extension of you, someone moulded by you.  I guess that’s a lot to do with why I don't want to get married, why it’s not for me.  Being ‘Mrs.’, taking someone else’s name.  I’m
me
, not a man’s property or chattel.”

“Sera, you’ll always be you, I’d never want to change that.  I don't deny that I’d really love you to be my wife, to take my name and be Mrs. Starr, but if it means that much to you, you could keep your own name when we got married.  I just love you so much, and I worry about you because I don't know how I’d cope without you now.  If anything should ever happen to you…”

He pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head, as he wrapped his arms around me.  I slid my arms under his jacket and lay my face against his shirt, breathing in the very Liam-ness of his big strong body.  But I had to get him to understand that he needed to keep his controlling ways under check. 

“Life is one big long risk, and you can't spend the whole time thinking ‘what if this happened’ or ‘what if that went wrong’.  You have to give me some space, trust me to look after myself,” I tried to explain.

“But you’re just a weak little girl, as I proved to you the other night,” he insisted, as he put his finger under my chin and tilted it to kiss my mouth.  I knew he was trying to distract me, but somehow I resisted letting our strong chemistry just wash over all my worries - I had to speak out now, rather than keep sweeping things under the carpet, if we were to have any kind of a future together.

“That was just a game I went along with, Liam.  The chances of a situation like that actually happe
ning are very remote indeed.  What do you expect me to do - be the little woman who sits at home, while her big strong protector goes out and provides for her?  Because you know that’s never going to happen.  I’d shrivel up and waste away with boredom and frustration.”

“No, of course not.  I completely respect your independent spirit, so I'd never want to crush that in any way.  But that doesn't change the fact that, as a woman, you are vulnerable, and it’s no good stubbornly insisting that you aren’t.  All I'm trying to do is keep you safe, so that you can carry on being your usual creative and talented self,” he tried to convince me.

“We’re just going round and round in circles here, Liam.  Your version of keeping me safe is very different from mine, and I’m not sure if we’re ever going to agree on this,” I sighed in frustration. 

Liam always had to be right, always had to have the last word about everything and get his own way.  I’d wanted to come to the Grad Ball without him, to act like a stupid immature student one last time before it was too late, having never really joined in that much before.  But oh no, Liam the control freak had got his own way as usual to come with me, and despite his ‘I’ll stand back and let you have fun’ promise,  it just wasn’t the same.  I couldn’t let myself go, knowing he was there watching di
sapprovingly. 

“Look, why don't we just dance together and relax,” Liam tried to persuade me.  But somehow, the fun had gone out of things, and I wasn’t in the mood.

“I think this whole evening has been a mistake, Liam.  Maybe we should just call it a day and go home,” I sighed, even though I saw it was only ten thirty when I glanced at my watch.

“Fine by me,” Liam smiled in relief - clearly he hadn't been enjoying the evening, as I’d known all along he wouldn’t.  “But what about Abbey and Toby?  Greg’s meant to be dropping them off, but I don't suppose they’re ready to leave yet.”

“Oh, they’ve already said they’re going clubbing after the ball, so they won’t need a lift.  Some place called Togs - very appropriate for fashion students.  Loads of people are going on from here.”

“We could go too, if you want - I don't mind,” Liam valiantly offered.  The message was clear.  I could go anywhere I wanted - just so long as he came too.

“What’s the point?  It’d be full of the same crowd of people as here, so you’d hate it.  And it takes all the fun out of it if the person you’re with is standing there with a face like they’re sucking lemons.”  I rolled my eyes as I sighed, in a totally shitty mood with Liam by now.

“I don't know what you mean, Sera.  I’ve said I’m more than happy to take you to whatever club you want to go to, so I think you’re being unreasonable,” Liam responded.

“
Me
being unreasonable?  That’s rich coming from you,” I snapped.  “Oh for fuck’s sake, Liam, just give Greg a call and let’s go home.  At least he’ll be pleased to get an early finish to his night.”

On the way back, my mood didn't improve at all; maybe it was my hormones because I was due my first period in a while, as I was on my break from the pill.  The first couple of months I’d taken the packets back to back to avoid getting my period, knowing how moody I usually got, as well as su
ffering with cramps.  But maybe it was just Liam getting to me - or maybe it was a combination of both. 

Whatever it was, I decided I didn't want to stay with Liam for the night.

“I need some space to myself, to clear my head.  Just go back to your place.  I want to be by myself tonight,” I insisted as we stood in the doorway of my apartment.

“But I want to be with you.  I don't care if we don't have sex because you’re getting your period, even though it’s not an issue for me - there’s always shower sex,” he tried to cajole me.  Trust him to know my period was due - most men would be clueless. 

“No, really, I mean it.  I want to be alone.  This is exactly why I wanted to keep my own place, because I knew there’d be times when I’d need some solitude.  This is one of those times, Liam.  So please, just go, hmm?”

“Okay, if that’s really the way you want it,” he reluctantly agreed.  “But how about we have breakfast together in the morning?”

“We’ll see.  I’ll call you when I’m awake, see where we go from there,” I suggested, then pulled away from him as he tried to kiss me.

“You really are in a funny mood.  But we’re still good, aren’t we?” he asked, no doubt cursing irr
ational hormonal females who were prone to mood swings.

“Sure.  Whatever.  Good night, Liam,” I sighed, as I walked in and closed the door behind me, as Liam called out.

“Don’t forget to double lock your door and put the chain on.”

Arrrh!  Liam wanted me locked in.  He was driving me nutty! 

How had I let this happen?  Was I just unsettled because I’d had an email from Finbarr this morning, one that had made uncomfortable reading? 

Finny seemed to think that just because we’d spent quite a lot of time together over the summer holidays I’d spent with my family in Ireland, that somehow gave him the right to sit in judgement of me now.  My cousin Aoife said to ignore him, despite the fact that he was Sean’s brother, but his comments still niggled me.  Finny said I'd changed, that I’d become a proper yuppie girl with my London pad and rich boyfriend.  He’d asked if I’d forgotten my roots and sold out my creative soul. 

You see, Finny had this idea that you had to suffer for your art; that it brought out a deeper inner meaning when you had to struggle and fight and not get too comfortable.  Most of the time I ignored these rantings of his, and put it down to his upbringing - the Irish craved drama in their lives, which is what made them go looking for arguments and trouble a lot of the time it seemed to me.  But I couldn’t help wondering now if perhaps Finny had a point.  Was this really me?  Did I really fit the mould of a rich entrepreneur’s girlfriend?  One who controlled where I lived, where I worked?  Was I being blinded by his impressive bedroom skills?  Was this really how I wanted to live my life?

I wandered restlessly into my bedroom, and started emptying my clutch bag.  As I threw my phone down on the bed, it pinged with a text from Abbey.

You really gone home & not coming clubbing?  Can't you twist Liam's arm, or are you too busy having hot sex?

I sighed.  Even though I’d never been one for going out clubbing, now I felt like a proper boring old granny, back home ready to go to bed before midnight, even after my Graduation Ball. 

I caught sight of myself in the full-length mirror, and admired my dress that Abbey had created.  What a waste.  I'd only worn it for a couple of hours.  Remembering how Liam had thought it too revealing, I ripped out the tit tape Abbey had used to secure it.  That felt better.  Then I picked up my phone, and hit the button to speed dial her.

I could hear the beat of the music in the background when she finally answered, and somehow it seemed to call to me.

“You still at Togs?  You're not going on anywhere else are you?” 

“Are you coming to join us - you managed to persuade Liam?” she shrieked down the phone.

“Nah, I don't need a minder.  I’m coming on my own, just as soon as I can get a taxi.”

“Cool.  Let me know when you get here, and I’ll come and meet you.  It’s packed in here, you’ll never find us otherwise.  Oh and just so you know, Jamie’s here.  You okay with that?”

“If it’s packed, I don't suppose I’ll even see Jamie, and anyway, we’ve spoken recently, and we’re cool now.” 

I’d made up my mind.  Neither of the Starr brothers was going to stop me from seeing out the end of my uni days in my own way, at one last final student rave.

Toby and I celebrated
our graduation in several ways, most of which involved some kind of alcohol, but the latest had been getting a tattoo.  Mine was just a small, simple Celtic design on my shoulder, and even that had been fucking painful enough, but probably in a bid to impress Abbey, Toby had got a much larger tattoo on his arm, in a design she’d suggested would look cool on him.

Toby and Abbey seemed more than just casual hook up friends these days.  They’d been seeing a lot of each other, and I knew he hadn't been with anyone else, although I didn't know if that was the same for Abbey.  I doubted it, knowing her freethinking reputation, but I could’ve been wrong. 

Whatever.  Toby and I were leaving for our year out in Australia soon, so that would put an end to things between them.  For now, by the number of times I'd seen them heading off to his bedroom together recently, he was obviously getting laid a lot. 

Which was more than could be said for me, but that was fine.  I was enjoying an uncomplicated life for the moment, just keeping busy organising everything for our trip, but I was looking fo
rward to checking out all the Australian talent once we got there.

Although I tried to give the impression that I was fine about my brother being in a serious relatio
nship with Sera, truth was I was still struggling to get my head around it.  Beautiful, young, arty Seraphina, with my crabby, control freak big brother.  It didn’t seem to add up to me, and I swear it wasn’t just jealousy.  But as everyone seemed to think I was a selfish prick if I voiced these opinions, I kept them to myself, and was another reason I was glad I was heading off to the other side of the world.  And I couldn’t deny that any time Liam spoke about Sera, he got this goofy, mushy look about him, which was most unlike The Big Guy I was used to. 

Well, Cupid must have shot pretty deep to have found Liam’s tough old heart and pierce it with the arrow of love, was all I could say.

Toby had gone with Abbey to her Grad Ball, and I'd nearly spat my coffee across the room when I found out that they were going with Liam and Sera.

“Yeah, I know, I’m not that comfortable about going with your brother, but the girls organised it and I'm just going along with things.  Abbey says we don't have to stick with them all the time, and at least it means we get a lift there.  Back as well if we want, but she reckons a crowd will be going on clubbing afterwards, which she thinks Liam and Sera probably won’t be up for.  You could come along and meet us at the club - I hate to think of you sitting all alone at home, moping and missing me,” he grinned as he punched my shoulder playfully.

“What club is it?”  I asked, thinking it might be fun as I hadn't been clubbing for a while - well, a couple of weeks anyway, which counted as a long time in my book. 

“Togs - I think we went there last year sometime?  It was pretty good as far as I can remember.  Didn't you pull a bird with huge tits which you reckoned were natural, or so you claimed the mor
ning after.”

“Did I?  I can't remember, to be honest.”

“Too pissed in all likelihood,” Toby grinned.

“Yeah, more than likely,” I agreed.

“So, are you going to come along?  It’s got to beat spanking the monkey all by yourself.”

“Well, when you put it like that, how can I refuse?”  I grinned back at him.

The club was heaving, the DJ was great, and I was having a good time.  I like to let myself go when I dance, especially when I'm surrounded by loads of hot sexy girls.  One brunette in particular kept smiling at me, and I thought I might be about to get lucky with her as we danced to the pounding Avicii track.  But then I felt Toby slap me on the back as he arrived with Abbey, along with a crowd of her friends.  I could see they were a mixed bag of art college weirdos, but they all seemed friendly enough.