Authors: Hilary Wynne
“No. I don’t trust you, Julian. I don’t trust you, and I certainly don’t trust my
self.”
The moment the words leave my mouth, I know they’ve caused some serious damage to the foundation we’ve been building. Julian’s hold on me becomes almost nonexistent, and I swear I can see walls rising up around him. I hate that I had to say what I did, but I don’t know how else I can explain why I keep taking one step forward and two steps back. I unwrap my legs from around his waist and wiggle out of his weak hold on me. He isn’t even looking at m
e now.
“I’m going to get out and get something to eat. Are you hu
ngry?”
Oh wow. His tone is cold and flat. I’m not sure what I expected, but it wasn’t this. Actually that’s a lie. I wanted him to tell me I can trust him and that he would never do anything to hurt me. I wanted him to hold me closer and whisper I’m the only one and that he’ll do anything to make sure I know it. But he didn’t say any of that. He couldn’t say those words any more than I could tell him that I trusted him. A wave of sadness rushes through my body, and my normal feelings of anxiety start creeping in. As usual, I want to run away. I’m at the beach surrounded by his family and friends, and I have no car. I don’t see an easy way out of this.
Damn.
Julian walks out of the water just a little bit ahead of me, and I follow him. He doesn’t take my hand and I don’t reach out for him either. It’s probably not obvious to everyone we’re not in a good place at the moment, but I still feel like there’s a neon sign over my head with one of those pointing fingers. The sign is flashing: “Stay away … damaged … broken … not worth the tro
uble.”
Julian walks to where the coolers are. He looks back over his shoulder and asks again if I want anything. I ask him to bring me a bottle of water. My stomach is in knots now, and there’s no way I’m going to eat anything. I dry myself off with my towel and sit down in my chair. I notice Julian is taking his time coming back to me. I feel very alone. I fish my phone out of my bag and send a text to Ma
rissa.
Alexa:
What are you
doing?
Thankfully, she responds right
away.
Marissa:
At my parents
, why?
Awesome. They live in Surfside, so she isn’t that far
away.
Alexa:
bc I want out of here and hoping you would come g
et me.
Maris
sa:
Y?
Alexa:
I just can’t deal with all this
shit.
Marissa:
What shit? Are you ok? What hap
pened?
Alexa:
Emotional shit. I hurt Julian’s feelings and now he’s ignoring me. Wha
tever
.
Marissa:
What did you say t
o him?
Alexa:
That I didn’t trus
t him
.
Marissa:
Really Lex? Ouch. Not
nice
.
Alexa:
H
onest
.
Marissa:
Stay. It’ll be ok. You’ll never trust him if you keep ba
iling
.
Damn it. I should have known she was going to side with him on this. I think she’s seeing the good in this and wants to help me not screw it up. I’ll probably be thanking her
later.
Alexa:
Fine. But keep your pho
ne on
.
Marissa:
Good
girl
.
I’m so into my texting and so into my escape planning that I don’t notice Julian has walked up and is handing me a bottle of water. He says my name, and I look up. I take the bottle out of his hand and thank him. It’s all very formal. He sits down next to me, and I see he’s eating some kind of sandwich and drinking a beer. Hmm. A beer. Not such a bad idea anymore. I get up and walk to the cooler I saw him get the drinks out of earlier. I had put my phone on my chair when I got up to get the beer, and I see that the texts from Marissa and me are right there on display. All Julian would have had to do is glance down. I put my phone away and pray he didn’t see any
thing.
“Let me finish eating, and I’ll take you home.” Shit! Shit! Shit! No such
luck.
He won’t even look at me. I have no idea what to say. This is a critical moment, and I know it. He stands up and reaches for my hand. I think we’re leaving, so I grab m
y bag.
“Leave it. I have something to say to you, and I don’t want anyone to hear me. Just walk over here with me for a minute. Then we can go if you still wan
t to.”
My heart is pounding. I take a drink of my beer and set it down. I don’t take his hand but get up and follow him to a little courtyard that’s close to the condo and away from the o
thers.
He leans up against a planter filled with hibiscus, and I can’t help but think how hot he looks. I feel a lecture coming on, and I still want him. Talk about conflicting emo
tions.
His voice is filled with resignation. “I’m not sure where to even start, Alexa, so I’ll just say it all. I’d appreciate it if you let me finish before you respond. First of all, you don’t need to have anyone rescue you from me. If you want to go home, I’ll take you home. You’re not my prisoner. I’d appreciate you not making me look like an asshole in front of your friends when I haven’t done anything to deserve it. You did it last night with Luke and then again with Marissa just
now.”
He takes a breath and continues. He’s on a roll here. “You’re right. You did hurt my feelings, and I can’t remember the last time a woman was able to do that. I’m not sure what I did to deserve it either. I haven’t done anything at all to make you doubt my intentions, and I’ve been completely honest with you since the day I met you. I get that you have some serious trust issues, and I’m trying to be patient and understanding, but you’re not the only one that has a fucking hard time trusting pe
ople.”
Julian is trying to stay calm, but I can tell he’s mad, hurt, and frustrated. “Do you want to know how many people I really trust, I mean really trust?” It’s a rhetorical question, so I don’t answer. I just stand there and listen to him get this all out. “Three. My mom, Danny, and Rafi. That’s it. I know a shitload of people, and only three really know me. I was beginning to believe I would be able to add you to that list, but now I’m not so
sure.”
I was okay until that last part. Now my heart is si
nking.
“You accused me last night of pushing you away. You’re doing the same to me, and I’m not threatening you, but if you don’t stop I’ll walk away. I don’t want to, but I will. I can’t or
won’t
stay in a relationship without t
rust.”
He stops, and I wait to see if he’s going to continue. It seems he’s finished. He just stands there with his arms crossed staring at me, waiting to hear what I have to say for myself. All I know right now is that my heart would break if he walked away from this. I want to wrap my arms around him and give him the biggest hug, but I can’t tell if he would be receptive, so I stay where
I am.
“I’m sorry what I said hurt you. It wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to be honest. I want you to understand why I’m struggling with all of this. I run when I feel scared and vulnerable. I’m aware it isn’t the best way to handle things, and I’m trying hard to not do that, but it’s been my go-to way of self-preservation for a while now, and it’s going to take some time to change. I shouldn’t have said anything to Marissa, or Luke, and I won’t do it again. My list of people I really trust, people that really know me, isn’t much bigger than yours, so I get that completely. I’m honored you want me on that list, but that level of emotion also scares me to death. We just met a few weeks
ago.”
Julian is still just staring at me, letting me finish like I did for him. “It would break my heart if you walked away, Julian, but I can’t tell you there won’t be more times like this.” I stop, and he waits to see if I continue before he responds. When he sees I’m done, he asks me a simple que
stion.
“Do you want this to happen, Alexa? I mean really ha
ppen?”
I swear he’s holding his breath, and in this moment I know he wants this as much as I do. I walk to him and wrap my arms around him. He does the same, and it feels right. I look at him directly in the eyes so nothing is h
idden.
“Yes. I really want this, Julian. More than anything I’ve wanted in so long. It’s going to be epic, reme
mber?”
He smiles as he remembers the conversation we had a few days ago in my driveway. Geez, was that only a few days ago? It seems like foreve
r ago.
“If you keep telling me that, I’ll do the same, and maybe someday really soon we’ll both believ
e it.”
He takes my hand and starts to walk back to the beach. I tug on his hand, indicating I want him to stop. He does and turns to face me. There’s something else I need to tell him. I stand as close to him as I can and reach up and touch his
face.
“I need you to promise me something, Ju
lian.”
“What, Alexa?” His voice is quiet and a little timid, as if he’s scared of what I’m about to as
k him.
“Please don’t let me ruin
this.”
His response is a sweet kiss and a whisper, “
Okay.”
The mood is definitely lighter when we join the others back at the beach. I’m not sure if anybody noticed our absence. Honestly, this whole scene is a little odd. Julian and I are here with these people, but they’re all giving us space. When I hang out with my friends at the beach, we all bunch together. I wonder to myself if Julian wanted it this way. I make a note to ask him
later.
We sit back down, and Julian asks for me to get his phone out of my bag. I watch his expression as he checks his messages, and when he turns to look at me, I know he’s about to tell me bad
news.
“I need to make some calls. There are some issues at work. I’m sorry. I really was hoping not to work much t
oday.”
“It’s okay. I understand you don’t have a nine-to-five job, Ju
lian.”
He’s already on a call before I finish. I pull an
InStyle
magazine out of my bag and start flipping through it. I can’t help but listen to Julian’s conversation, and I deduce they’re having some issues with their reservation system. I enjoy listening to Julian work. He’s calm and respectful to whoever is on the other end. He’s trying to problem-solve, but it quickly becomes obvious he’s going to have to go in. We’ve only been here for a little while, and now that we’re okay again, I really don’t want to
leave.
“I’m really sorry, but I have to go in. This is something I need to deal with personally. You can come with me or stay
here.”
I’m not sure I like either option. “I can call Marissa and ask her to come get me. She’s in Surfside, so it’s no big
deal.”
Julian leans over to me and whispers in my ear. “That wasn’t a choice, baby. You aren’t leaving. I might not get you back today.” He stands up and motions to Danny to come
over.
What is he doing? “I have to go in for a little bit. Computer issues, and Robert, my IT guy, is MIA. Alexa is going to hang with you guys until I get
back.”
Seriously? He just asked his brother, who I hardly know, to babysit me. “It’s okay, Julian, I’m a big girl. Danny doesn’t need to babysi
t me.”
Julian can tell I’m annoyed, so he jokes back, “But Alexa, I hired him from hotbabysitters.com.” I can’t help but laugh. He stole my
line.
Danny looks back and forth between us and smiles. “I’d like to hang out with you, Alexa. Julian has kept you all to himself today. Go ahead, bro, we’re good
here.”
I’m standing there listening to this conversation that’s about me, and it’s surreal because I apparently have no say in what’s going on. Julian is giving me a “don’t question this plan” look, and I’m not in the mood to argue with him anymore, so I stay quiet. I do give him a fake smile t
hough.
He takes me in his arms, in front of all these people, and gives me a very passionate kiss. He’s talking to Danny when he says it, but he’s looking into my eyes. “Take care of my girl, Danny.” Julian tells me he will be back as soon as he can and heads off the beach. I watch him go, take a deep breath, and turn to face Danny. He has a huge smile on his face. He picks up my chair and brings it over to where the rest of the group is sitting. He places it next to him, and I sit down. He continues to stare at me, and I finally have to say some
thing.
“Is there something you want to say, Danny? You keep staring a
t me.”
“Alexa, there are a ton of things I want to say to you, but I’m not sure my big brother would approve. So I’m just going to say thank
you.”
I’m confused. “Thank me for what, D
anny?”
Danny is still smiling. “For bringing my brother back, A
lexa.”
That is a loaded statement, and I decide to leave it be. If I were sneaky and devious, this would be the perfect opportunity to dig for info about Julian, but I don’t want to know anything that Julian doesn’t want me to, so I don’t ask any questions. Instead, I just sit there, drink another beer, and quietly enjoy the rest of the afternoon in the company of Julian’s family and fr
iends.
I finally get a call from Julian around three thirty. He apologizes profusely but tells me he’s still going to be there for at least another hour. We were getting ready to leave the beach, and now I’m not sure what to do. He tells me to have Danny let me in his condo. I agree to stay if he brings food, and he promises to bring my favorites from Ursa’s. I haven’t eaten since this morning, and I’m really h
ungry.