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“Do you know what you want from me, Alexa? Last night I was sure you did, but right now I’m convinced you have no
idea.”

Well that makes two of us
, I think to myself. Half of the time I want him to take me in his arms and tell me he’ll love me forever, and the other half of the time I cringe when anything emotional comes out of his mouth. I’m a
mess.

I choose my words very carefully. “I’m sorry you don’t think I know what I want from you, Julian, because I do. I want to keep moving forward, and I want us to keep getting to know each o
ther.”

I know that Julian is really referring to the emotional part of our relationship, but I throw in a comment about our physical connection to change the course of the conversation a little bit. “And as far as our physical relationship goes, I think things have progressed rather quickly. You definitely know my body very well.” I say these words with a lightness that I’m not really fe
eling.

Julian smiles at me, but it’s a sad smile, and I know he knows I’m avoiding his question. He’s still holding my hand and rubbing his thumb gently back and forth over it. He slowly shakes his head in a sign of frustr
ation.

“I do know your body, Alexa, and I don’t want to make that seem like it’s unimportant. You’re an amazing lover and make me feel things I haven’t felt in maybe forever. And when I’m inside of you, I feel so close to you. It’s part of the reason I can’t stop making love to
you.”

Wow. That was honest, and it makes me feel great. I bite the inside of my lip to keep myself from saying anything sarcastic abou
t sex.

“I feel very close to you when we have sex too, Julian.” For some reason, I’m having a hard time saying the words make love. He keeps using them too. He either doesn’t notice or chooses to ignore my word choice. When he does respond, his tone is desp
erate.

“Can you please tell me what you want to hear from me, Alexa? Do you want to know me? I mean the real me. Because I can keep giving you the public me that almost everyone else gets. I’m very good at not letting people get close to me. They think they are, but they really aren’t. I’m very good at being who everyone else needs and wants me to be, and to be honest, it’s how I feel most comfortable. For some reason, I feel myself wanting to let you in though. But if you’re not ready for that or don’t want it, please be honest wit
h me.”

I’m pretty sure my mouth drops open as Julian is saying those words. Those are
my
words, as in I could say the exact same thing to him. I had no idea Julian was holding himself back from me on purpose, or at all. Holy shit, if this is Julian holding back, I’m in serious trouble when he really tells me how he feels about me. I better find my life pres
erver.

“Are you always going to be honest with me, Julian? Because it’s very hard for me to open up to anyone I don’t trust 100 per
cent.”

“I’ll always be honest with you, Alexa. It’s the only way I do things. It can make a situation brutal. I can be brutal, but I promise you’ll always get the truth from me. I told you earlier. No secrets and no
lies.”

How did he know those were exactly the words I needed to hear? I’ve been lied to so many times. If it wasn’t someone lying to me directly, it was them lying to me about the nature of their feelings for me or about what they wanted in way of a future. Brady lied to me about everything. I’ve always had some trust issues, but the events that happened with Brady took things to a whole new level. My faith in my own judgment and everything I knew about myself was shattered in the last few months of Brady’s and my relationship, and deep in my core I have a hard believing I’ll ever be able to fully trust a man again. But, for the first time in a very long time, I want to, and Julian has helped me realize
that.

“Then yes, Julian, I
really
want to know you.” As I say the words, I know I mean them. The problem is that I don’t know if I want Julian to really kn
ow me.

We’ve been sitting separately and across from each other this whole time. When I tell him I really want to know him, he reaches over and pulls me into his lap and holds me in a tight embrace. It’s as if he’s thanking me for making that decision. I rest my head against his chest and let myself feel okay with these new revelations. We sit like that for a while, and I wonder if we’re done talking for now or if this is just a break. I’m kind of hoping for the former, and I don’t ask another question even though I have a million. I’m dying to know about the whole “no girlfriend in eight years” thing, but I’m not feeling any desire to talk about my exes right now. So after all of that, I’m not sure we actually learned anything about each other except that we want to learn more about each
other.

When he finally speaks, it’s to tell me he needs to shower and get into work. Oh yeah. I’m being dismissed for the afternoon. He kisses me gently as we stand up, but there’s definitely a different vibe between us. There’s a distance that was not there before, and deep down I know Julian isn’t okay with the way I handled this morning’s discussions. When he heads to the bathroom, I text Marissa and Shannon right
away.

Alexa:
Can either of you come and pick me up from Julian’s? Lik
e now?

Shannon:
Yes. Are y
ou ok?

Alexa:
Yes. He has to go into work and it’s easier if you g
et me.

Shannon:
Leaving now. I’ll be there
ASAP
.

Marissa:
Does he know you asked for a
ride
.

I told her what happened yesterday when I texted her for a ride and Julian found out and got p
issed.

Alexa:
He will when he gets out of the s
hower
.

Marissa:
Lex

Alexa:
See you
soon.

I sit there thinking about the right way to tell Julian I’m getting picked up by Shannon. Marissa is right. He’s going to get mad, and I know it, but it really is a better idea. He’ll lose an hour if he drives me home. I convince myself I’m doing him a favor and walk into the bedroom to tell him. I find Julian sitting on his bed putting his shoes on. He’s wearing a coral-colored, button-down linen shirt, jeans, and brown Mephisto loafers. I smile inside because, first, I know what brand he’s wearing and, second, I see he really does like nice shoes like me. The difference is he really can afford them. He looks so handsome, and I can’t help but smile at him. He returns my
smile.

“I’m almost r
eady.”

“Julian, please don’t get mad, but Shannon is coming to pick me up. It’s so out of your way to take me home when you need to get into work. I swear I’m just trying to save you
time.”

I skip the part where I want to avoid a big good-bye scene. I’m feeling a little raw this morning and sad that this weekend is over. The very, very, very last thing I want is for me to have another emotional breakdown. One or two in a day is my limit. This way we can have a quick goo
d-bye.

He starts to argue but then stops. “Okay. But you’re not an inconvenience to me, A
lexa.”

He walks over and takes me in his arms. He holds me for a minute, and I feel his heart beating rapidly against my chest. I find it odd. He seems a little nervous, and I feel the distance growing even though I’m in his arms. I pull back and look up a
t him.

“Are we okay, Ju
lian?”

“You tell me, Alexa. Ar
e we?”

Damn. We took a million steps forward this weekend, and I’ve managed to put us back near the start. I press my lips to his, trying to bridge the gap that developed since my freak-out. His lips feel warm and soft on mine, and what was supposed to be a peck turns into more. I can’t help but slip my tongue into his mouth to deepen the kiss. Julian is hesitant at first, but our bodies take control, and in moments we’re kissing passionately. I feel the distance ebb a little. I whisper into his
mouth.

“We’re all good, Julian. Thank you for an incredible weekend. I had such a great time with
you.”

“That sounds like a good-bye, Alexa.” He sounds sad, and I know I’m not imagini
ng it.

“It is a good-bye, Julian. Good-bye for right now. I’m going home, and you’re going to work.” How did we go from me feeling all insecure to him feeling that way too? Shit. What a
mess.

I hear a beep on my phone, and I figure it’s Shannon texting me she’s here. I’m right, and I text back that I’m on my way down. Julian insists on walking down with me. Shannon is waiting in front of the building, and Julian greets her and thanks her for coming to get me. We stand outside the car to say our good-byes. He takes me in his arms and squeezes me tightly. Tears spring to my eyes because we’re saying good-bye, and it hurts my heart. I don’t want to look at him, but he forces me to by tilting my he
ad up.

“I’ll call you later.” No mention of when we’ll be seeing each other again, but at least he’s going to call. How in the world did we get here where I’m even questioning
that?

I kiss him softly on the lips. “Okay. I’ll talk to you later then.” I slip out of his arms and into Shannon’s car. I tell her to go, and I don’t look back. If I did, I would have seen Julian watching me drive
away.

Shannon sees the look on my face and knows something is up. “How was your weekend? Mari said last night was a b
last.”

I turn up the radio a little. I’d rather not talk, but I don’t want to be rude because she did just come and get me. “Good. Kind of crazy. Emotionally drai
ning.”

“Not physically?” Her face is dead serious, but I know she’s teasing me. I can’t help but
smile.

“That too. Have you seen Ju
lian?”

She laughs. “Yes, I’ve seen Julian. That’s why I a
sked.”

She asks me if I’m hungry, and I remember I didn’t eat yet and it’s already lunchtime. We stop at a little cafe near our house, and I get a Cuban sandwich. We chitchat about her weekend and about Cory. Things are going great, and she actually thinks he’ll be proposing soon. I’m so happy for her, and it feels great not to be focusing on me. As I listen, I realize I’ve been so caught up in my own drama lately that I haven’t been a very good friend. I make a promise to myself not to be so self-abs
orbed.

I walk through my front door exhausted. The last three days have been extremely tiring both physically and emotionally, and I’m looking forward to some time alone. I unpack my bag, make myself an iced tea, and park myself on the couch with the remote. My plan is to veg out for the rest of the day and night. I need to process everything that’s happened with Julian. We have gone from zero to sixty and back again in the blink of an eye, and I have mixed feelings about all
of it.

I’ve been good about checking my phone all weekend and have responded to all of my calls, e-mails, and texts from everyone. Everyone except Luke, that is. Now that I’m away from Julian, I can let myself think about Luke. I miss him, and I hate that I’m being made to choose between him and Julian. I’m not sure what’s caused all this bad blood between them, but if I need to keep them separate in order to have them both in my life, then I will. I text Luke to check in and ask if he’s going to come over tonight to watch
True Blood
wi
th me.

Alexa:
Hey. Checking in. Are you coming
over?

Luke responds in mi
nutes.

Luke:
Am I al
lowed?

Alexa:
Seriously? Don’t start. Miss you. Plz
come.

Luke:
Ju
st us?

Alexa:
Nope. Sookie, Bill and Eric will be her
e too.

Luke:
Order
pizza

Alexa:
k. see you la
ter :)

It’s only two o’clock, and I’m bored. I can’t stop thinking about Julian. There’s no way I’m going to be able to sit here and do nothing. I decide my laundry isn’t going to get done by itself, so I throw a load in and do a little cleaning around the house. Marissa walks in while I’m emptying the dishwasher an hour
later.

We catch up for a little bit, and she tells me she’s going to go for a run. I decide to join her. I haven’t been exercising much lately, unless you count all the sex I’ve been having as exercise. The run turns out to be exactly what I need. It’s a little on the hot side, so we decide to only run three miles. We find a steady but slowish pace, and I tell her about the parts of my weekend she wasn’t ther
e for.