Stepping Up To Love (Lakeside Porches 1) (18 page)

He nodded, “I always thought she should marry Joel, but my opinion didn’t count for much.”

Desperate to change the subject, Manda asked, “How much will it cost to tune it up?”

The mechanic stroked the handlebars. “Joel bought a lifetime service plan for it, so it’ll only cost you if we have to replace a part, which I don’t expect. We should have it ready for you in a couple of hours.”

Manda had guessed right about the bike being a gift from Joel to Lorraine. And apparently now a gift to her, brokered by Tony when he was sent with her to Kristof’s to get her things. This was way too complicated. She wondered if she should just walk away from the bike and the tangled relationships it represented.

The mechanic misunderstood her frown. “Look I know there’s no place to wait here, but there’s a nice coffee shop in town, just past the traffic light on the right. In fact, you’ll probably find some people waiting for their bikes. If you give me your cell number, I’ll give you a call when it’s done.”

Manda agreed. She could at least walk to the coffee shop, have a bagel, and think it over.

She took a table by a window, nibbled at a bagel with peanut butter, and looked idly through a local newspaper someone had left behind.

“Manda?” a familiar voice asked. 

She looked up to see one of the women who had been at Joel’s dessert party the night before.

“Gwen, isn’t it? Hi.”

“I’m having my bike serviced and thought I’d grab a coffee. Can I join you?”

“Sure.” Manda wasn’t sure if this was a bad dream or an answer to her prayers.

Gwen pulled off her hoodie, tossed it on an empty chair, and took the chair opposite Manda. “No offense, but you look like you had a bad night,” she ventured.

Manda felt her eyes fill up. “Sorry, I may not be very good company.”

“What, don’t tell me you drank last night?”

“No.”

“So how bad could it be?”

Manda gave a weak laugh. “Thank you for that.”

“I found early sobriety to be very difficult. I was confronted with every failing I had and every mistake I made during my drinking.”

Manda nodded. She could identify with that.

“I imagine it’s hard, too, being in a relationship with someone like Joel.”

Manda was sure her bafflement showed on her face.

“I’m sure I’m not mistaken that you came and left with Joel, and I’m even more sure the look on Joel’s face was one many women have longed to see.”

“Joel and I are just friends, although it’s a little complicated by…” She shook her head. “It’s a little complicated.”

“I wasn’t trying to be catty,” Gwen apologized. “Really, I was just offering support.”

“God knows I need support right now.”

“You can tell me as much or as little as you want.”

“You and Joel are friends?” Manda tested.

“We’ve known each other all our lives. We even dated back in our wild-child days, and we dated a little after he and Lorraine broke up.” Gwen laughed, “Actually, for a while after they broke up Joel dated every woman in Tompkins Falls and any available woman guest at the Manse.”

Manda glared at her.

“I’m not helping, am I?”

Manda rolled her eyes. “Sorry, I am, like, totally over my head.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m trying to do this sobriety thing and take the next steps with my education and career. And Joel’s really supportive, but—”

“What do you think of Joel?”

Manda remembered Gwen was a psychologist. Maybe Gwen could help her sort it all out. “That’s a hard question, actually.”

“Why?”

“He’s my boss, my friend, my landlord, provider of many things that make my life easier. And I think he might be in love with me, which blows my mind.”

“How so?”

Manda laughed. “Well, I’m just this screw-up. And I’m totally off men for life.”

“You are, or you were a few months ago?”

Manda thought about what she had just said. After all the conversations with her therapist about this, she knew she had moved past her self-image as a screw-up. She thought she had said it just now because it was really tempting to go back in time to the issues she had already dealt with, instead of struggling with the jumble of issues and confusion she felt now. “I definitely was a few months ago. And I’m not anymore. I’m just extremely confused and upset.”

“You know,” Gwen said gently, “I’ve seen some people come into the program and just get it, just start using the fellowship and the steps and turn their lives around. You’re one that has done that, really quickly. I don’t think you’ve caught up with yourself.”

Manda was quiet, listening.

“And I’ve watched Joel keep a respectful distance at any meetings you’ve both attended, because he wants you to focus on recovery. But he’s very definitely in love with you, and I’ve never seen him in love with anyone in all the years I’ve known him, which is three decades.”

“Why me?” Manda wondered out loud.

“You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re on his wavelength. You know, a few weeks ago I saw you two talking at the Friday meeting, and Joel was so relaxed. I think you punched him in the arm or something, and he was eating it right up. He’s never playful like that with anyone. He hasn’t been playful or happy since he lost his family.”

“Not even with Lorraine?” Manda ventured.

Gwen shook her head, took a swallow of coffee, and added more sugar. “Look, I’m not trying to sell you on Joel, and I apologize if this is coming across as pressure.”

Manda was tired of having agendas pushed on her. She needed insight and guidance, and if she didn’t take charge, this was a wasted opportunity at best. “Did you know Lorraine?” Manda asked.

Gwen sat back and wondered aloud, “Why do you ask?”

Manda answered, “When I said it was complicated, I meant that Joel is still in a relationship with Lorraine, and I feel like I stepped in the middle of whatever’s going on between them. And I have a history with Lorraine and her ex-husband who made my life a nightmare.”

“Have you talked this over with your sponsor?”

“Temporary sponsor. And no, I haven’t felt I could share any of it with her.”

“Then ditch the temporary.” Gwen was stern. “You need a woman in the program you can talk with. Or possibly a therapist who can help you sort through it and who’ll treat the information confidentially.”

“I saw a therapist, provided by the college, through graduation. I couldn’t afford to see her on my own. She helped a lot with—well, she called it trauma. She was really good, and I learned a lot about how a perpetrator sucks in a victim. But she’s not in AA, and I know from everything I’ve seen around the rooms that the twelve steps are what I need. There are a lot of women with worse experiences than mine, and they are in healthy relationships now, with loving partners, and they say it’s because they use the steps all the time to make their lives work. I need help with the steps and with using them in my life.”

Gwen gave her an encouraging smile. “Manda, there are several women like me that focus on the steps with their sponsees. You probably know Marsha C. and Marilyn W. I would recommend either of them.”

Manda nodded tentatively; their names were familiar, but she couldn’t put faces to them. “Thank you.”

“Listen, we’ve got at least an hour before our bikes are ready. How about a walk in the sunshine? If you’re comfortable talking, great; if not at least we’ll stretch our legs.”

Two hours later, they had talked through many of the tangled details that were troubling Manda. Gwen had surprised her by starting with, “What do you think of Lorraine?”

Manda said readily, “I admired her style. I admired the way she nurtured the children and provided the best for them.”

“Were you friends?”

“No, I worked for her as a live-in housekeeper—just keeping the day-to-day clutter picked up and fixing evening meals for her. She was committed to eating well and being surrounded by quiet and beauty.”

Gwen smiled. “Cady’s Point is certainly quiet and beautiful. Some say it was Indian land that had healing properties. There was some claim dispute—back in the seventies, I think—and a lot of money changed hands before it was settled. Lorraine inherited it outright and claim-free.”

“The whole Point?”

Gwen nodded.

“I loved biking and walking and swimming there. It was really good for me when Lorraine was still around.”

“Probably that was true for her as well, and that may be why she had the house built on that land. It was intended for her and Joel when they married.”

Manda’s head whipped around.

“And we know how that worked out,” Gwen concluded.

“No wonder Joel has an edge in his voice when he says ‘Cady’s Point’.”

Gwen observed, “I know Joel despises the way Kristof treated Lorraine, but if Joel has resentment there, he needs to look at that. Resentments will take us right back to a drink; I’m sure you’ve heard that. Personally, I think in this case it’s just a cover for his guilt, but what do I know? Tell me more; did you and Lorraine walk and swim and bike together?”

“No, never. She was strictly an employer. The most contact we had was a weekly review of what she needed and any adjustments to the quality of the work I was doing.”

“Did she pay you?”

“She provided a place to live, use of the kitchen and grounds, and a food budget.”

“You did the grocery shopping for the family?”

“Just for the evening meal for her and Kristof, and for myself, although I ate in the kitchen, not with them. Kristof was rarely there for a meal. She wanted a salad made up and fresh dressing ready, for two, each evening. Lots of fresh produce, lean meat, edamame, nuts, things like that. I began doing the same for myself. I had never eaten that way, and it was really, really good for me.”

“So you were healthy, and it sounds like you were fit when she was still living at Cady’s Point.”

Manda nodded. “Definitely an important change in my life. I’d always been chunky and didn’t pay attention to exercise.”

“Tell me about your drinking. When do you think you crossed the line into alcoholism?”

“After Lorraine left and Kristof started pressuring me. Before that- like in high school and freshman year at Tompkins—I’d go out for beer with friends; sometimes we’d get drunk, sometimes not. When the Presidential Scholars—who were most of my friends—lost half of the scholarship commitment, most had to quit, or they went part-time and worked, so our group broke up. Then in the spring of sophomore year, when I was working for Lorraine, I got an internship at the Manse, too. I’d drink beer for happy hour after work with some of the staff at the Manse, but that was only if I knew Lorraine would not be home waiting for her meal. I drove home drunk sometimes, and it scared me.”

“You didn’t drink at Lorraine’s house?”

“No, not until after she’d gone to England, and Kristof introduced me to fine scotch. Then I started drinking alcoholically pretty quickly. I drank more and more all the time, and toward the end I was getting drunk any time he was in the house at night because I just couldn’t stand it.”

“You drank to cope?”

“Yes.”

“And how did it help you cope?”

“I kind of numbed out, and the next day I could forget what had happened and just focus on my work.”

“So things happened that you wanted to forget. Tell about that, if you’re willing.”

Manda went through the history with Kristof and her early days in AA. When she’d run through the whole saga, she and Gwen turned back the way they came.

“It sounds like you’re placing the responsibility on Kristof appropriately. I think you’ve done a good inventory around that, and you’ve seen some important truths about yourself. That was hard work. Do you believe Joel that Kristof is out of the picture now and won’t be a danger to you after this?”

“I don’t think Joel would give me false hope around that. While I don’t know the details of what was said and done, I think Joel believes he’s gone and won’t be returning as a threat.”

Gwen didn’t look so sure. “With your permission, I’ll do some probing around that.”

Manda hesitated, and Gwen let her think about it.

Manda decided, “I don’t think it will do any harm. Joel told me that there’s an investigation in progress, and my name is…”

“Your name is being talked about by people like the college administrators?” Gwen guessed.

“Was, actually. I think they’re on to other people and other issues now.”

“I’m sorry that happened. That’s a lot to deal with.”

“Joel just told me last night. That’s half of why I feel so slammed today.”

“It hadn’t occurred to you that could happen?”

Manda laughed at herself. “I guess I was in denial. I just focused on my safety and my sobriety.”

“That’s not a bad thing. Weren’t there any rumors you picked up on?”

“I knew there were rumors, and I tried not to let them bother me because I knew my truth. But I never imagined the officials at the college were openly discussing me by name and talking about what happened. I worked so hard to maintain my grades and graduate with honors. Gwen, I’m so ashamed and humiliated.”

“I can see they’d have to know and have to look into it objectively. You know, Manda, we talk about ‘the wreckage of the past,’ meaning the mess we find ourselves in when we get sober, and any damage we did to ourselves and to others while we were drinking alcoholically. This is your wreckage, and you are facing it in a mature way, I believe. And I think you are facing it with dignity and honor.”

Manda sighed deeply. “It would be really helpful to talk things over with you or someone in AA.”

“I’m willing. We probably won’t have time today, but we can plan it for another day.” Gwen checked her watch. “I’m expecting a phone call soon about my bike. I’ve got a bunch more questions for you. How would you like to proceed?”

Manda gave her a hopeful smile. “Can we keep going with your questions?”