His
despair is almost tangible, seeping into the atmosphere until I feel like it
has the power to drown us both, devouring everything in its path.
“I
don’t need you to be sorry, Cole. I need you to listen to what I’m saying. I’m
not an object you can claim for yourself. I’m a person with feelings and
opinions. I’m someone who is more than capable when it comes to making my own choices.”
“Baby,
I know you are. I know all of this, I swear to God I do.” He explains, closing his
eyes as he exhales slowly. Both of his fists are clenched in an attempt to
fight off the agonising pain inside of him, the same pain he’s been consumed by
for so long. “It’s just… I’ve already told you how fucked up I am… I’m a mess,
Serena. I’m too messed up for someone like you. You should listen to your
instincts and stay the hell away from me. I wouldn’t even blame you.”
I
sigh heavily and watch him closely, wondering what on earth must have happened
to the broken man in front of me to make him so angry. Why is he so damaged?
And why does he despise the world and everything in it? Who is responsible for
it all and why does he still let them rule over him?
“Cole,
I just told you that I’m old enough to make my own decisions and I still choose
you.”
“But
you can’t. I’m no good for you, Serena. I’ll only hurt you, I destroy
everything I care about and there’s no one I care for more than you. Jesus, I
swear I’m telling you the truth.”
“Shh,
I know you are. It’s ok.” I soothe him, closing the distance between us so I
embrace him warmly. “It’s all going to be ok, Cole. I promise you it is.”
“You
mean… you still want me? After everything I’ve done, you’re still willing to
give me a chance?”
The
expression on his face is one of absolute disbelief and his astonishment
becomes hard for me to witness. It’s clear that he’s never had anyone who has
been willing to stand by him before. He doesn’t understand trust because he’s
never experienced it up until now and I’m starting to believe that he’s never
even had someone in his life to support him, let alone love. The pain this
causes me is impossible to describe, reminding me how important it is for me to
remain strong for him. I can’t let him down now, regardless of how difficult
all of this might be for us.
“Yes.
I still want you.” I assure him, stroking my fingers along the length of his
strong jawline. “I don’t think I have the strength to keep myself from wanting
you, which I guess makes us both crazy.”
“You’re
not crazy, Serena. You’re mine. You’re all mine and you’re far too precious for
me to let you slip through my fingers.” He vows, crushing my body against his
as he pulls me close.
“Let’s
just try and take this one step at a time, ok? I don’t want to rush into
anything.”
“How
about we start with you giving me your number? I’m definitely going to need
that, unless you don’t mind me waking you up every night by throwing stones at
your window?” He jokes, grinning at me mischievously.
“I
do
mind!” I reprimand him playfully, passing him my phone so we can
finally exchange numbers.
Once
he confirms that I have the correct details in my phone, we somehow manage to
sneak out of my bedroom once more, creeping down the stairs as we attempt to
make as little noise as possible. It’s only when we reach the kitchen at the
back of the house that we no longer have to speak in hushed whispers.
“Things
will be different for you at school tomorrow. I promise.” He reminds me,
tucking a stray strand of my hair back behind my ear.
“Like
you promised me before?” I prompt him icily, remembering the hideous day I had
at school earlier.
“Things
are different now. You and I are together and no one is going to dare say anything
to you once they know that.”
“You’re
suspended, Cole. How is anyone going to know about us?”
“Don’t
worry about it. I’ll make sure that they know.”
“I
best get back upstairs… I’ve got an early start tomorrow.” I remind him,
combing my fingers through my hair.
“I
guess you must be tired. After all, you have had a pretty good workout.” He
agrees, struggling to conceal his playfully seductive smirk. “Goodnight, Green.
Sweet dreams.”
He
winks at me before moistening his lips right in front of me and the sexual
gleam in his eye conveys everything to me. He
wants
me to know that he
can still taste me on his lips. It’s a thrill for him to witness my naive and
startled expression.
He
leaves the back door open behind him before he walks away, refusing to look
back as his tall silhouette gets lost in the darkness. I stand there for
several seconds, realising I’m going to need a few moments alone before I go
back upstairs again.
Something
in my world has shifted. It’s different now and I instinctively know that my
life will never be the same as it once was. I don’t know whether this should
make me happy or whether I should grieve and lament for the person I once was,
the girl I used to be.
Before
I met
him
.
I
can’t help wondering if I will end up like Cole. Will I allow myself to be
consumed by the same darkness that has taken him or will I fight it? And if I
do find the strength to fight, does that mean I will be forced to leave Cole
behind? Will I be strong enough to save him or will he drown us both?
The
truth is, I just don’t know and if I’m being entirely honest… I really don’t
care. If Cole is the equivalent of darkness, then darkness is what I choose and
I realise there’s no turning back.
Not
now, not ever…
Chapter Six
The
next morning I have no idea how I managed to fall asleep the night before. I
guess my exhaustion must have defeated me in the end because I slept soundly
until my alarm clock woke me up just a few hours later.
I
drag my tired body out of bed and get straight into the shower, choosing to
stand underneath the warm water for several minutes as I mentally prepare
myself for another harrowing and difficult day at school.
Regardless
of what Cole says, I know there is a big chance that today won’t be any
different from what I experienced yesterday and I’d be a fool to convince
myself otherwise. Of course I still have Lisa who I know will stand by me but I
really don’t want to keep on offloading all of my problems onto her. She has
her own life to live and there are so many times where I feel like I’m holding
her back and preventing her from making new friends.
I
woke up to a brand new message from her on my phone which let me know that she
would be picking me up on her way to school. I replied and told her it wasn’t
necessary but she wasn’t having any of it and refused to take no for an answer.
I have
to admit that I was somewhat relieved when she refused to accept any of
bullshit excuses about being fine with making my own way into school this
morning. At least now I don’t have to face walking through the main entrance by
myself.
“You
look awful.” My mum informs me as soon I make my way downstairs.
“Gee,
thanks.” I reply drily, heading into the kitchen so I can make some breakfast.
“I’m
just saying that you look tired. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Whatever,
Mum.”
“Wow,
it’s good to see that you’re still nice and cheerful in the mornings.” She
mumbles sarcastically, taking a sip from her steaming hot mug of coffee.
“How
would you know? You’re never hear.”
“Ok,
Serena. There’s no need to be so rude. You know how hard I work just to keep a
roof over our heads. Everything I do is for you and your future after you
graduate.”
Sure.
That’s why you spend most of your time drinking at the local bar when you’re
not busy working.
I
think to myself, trying to remain focused on the cup of coffee I’m making
instead of her and her excuses.
“Maybe
you wouldn’t have to work so hard if you didn’t spend all of your money on
alcohol.” I say coldly, turning around to face my mother.
“If
you think I’m going to sit here and listen to my seventeen year old daughter
tell me what to do then you’ve got another thing coming.” She snaps, slamming
her the mug that she’s been holding down on the kitchen counter beside me. “In
fact, if I’m such a bad mother, why don’t you go and live with your precious
father? He phoned last night so he could let you know that he’s going to be in
town next month and would like to see you. I told him that would be ok.”
“
Why
did you say that when you know how I feel about him?!” I yell, mirroring
her actions when I slam my own cup of coffee down beside her discarded mug.
“That man is not my father and he hasn’t been since the day he walked out on me
without a backward glance.”
“Yeah,
well… we both know what he brings with him when he comes for a visit.” She
reminds me, giving me a pointed look.
“You
mean money?” I say incredulously.
“You
said it. Now be a good girl and make sure that you’re polite when you see him.
The sweeter you are, the more cash he will give you.”
“Unbelievable.”
I murmur softly, pushing her to the side so I can get my things ready for
school.
I’ve
suddenly gone off the idea of breakfast and decide to wait for Lisa outside.
Being in the same room as my mother is hard enough at the best of times but
today, I feel like I’m being suffocated. I need some fresh air and some space
to clear my head before Lisa picks me up and grab my school bag before I slam
the front door behind me.
My
phone lights up as soon as I step outside my house, announcing the arrival of a
brand new message. I glance down at the screen, half expecting my text to be
from Lisa, letting me know she’s on my way. The name I see instead causes me to
inhale sharply.
Cole.
Wondering
what he has to say to me this early, I open up his message. I know I won’t
settle unless I read it now and figure out I will have a couple of minutes by
myself before Lisa gets here.
Cole: Hi,
Beautiful. I was planning on meeting you after school today but a member of
staff reported me for being on school premises last night when I picked you up.
I’ve been told I’m not allowed anywhere near until my suspension’s been lifted
in a couple of weeks so I guess I’ll just have to wait a bit longer until I get
to see you. Don’t worry about today though, I promise you that everything will
be fine. Besides, I’m just a phone call away… if you need me, you know I’ll be
there in a second.
P.S. I can still
taste you on my lips. Cole x
His
parting words to me make me blush, turning my cheeks crimson. I’m in the middle
of reading his message for the second time when Lisa’s car pulls up, pulling me
out of my deep contemplation.
I
shove my phone back in my bag as I head over to the car, hoping it will help me
to conceal my embarrassment.
“I
guess you must be getting used to driving into school by now, huh?” I say to
her the moment I close the car door behind me.
“I
love it.” She replies exuberantly. “I seriously can’t get enough of driving and
I now realise what an idiot I’ve been worrying about it all this time.”
“That’s
the spirit.” I encourage her, buckling up my seatbelt.
“Anyway,
enough about me and my car. Tell me all about you and Cole.”
I
try to remain focused on the road ahead of us in an attempt to avoid eye
contact with my best friend. If I look at her she will know that something’s
wrong. She’s always been able to see right through me and I’m not sure if I’m
ready to open up to her about everything that’s been happening lately.
“What
about us?” I ask, feigning ignorance.
“Serena,
I know something’s going on between the two of you but what I don’t understand
is why you weren’t honest with me in the first place. I’m supposed to be your
best friend.”
I
sigh heavily, hating myself for making my best friend feel like this. A part of
me longs to confide in Lisa and ask for her opinion but there’s another part of
me which instinctively knows that I need to keep what happened between me and
Cole to myself.
“Lisa,
you are my best friend.” I assure her. “You’re the best friend a girl could ever
ask for. It’s just… I still don’t know where to start. Everything’s so
complicated and it’s all happened so fast.”
“Is
he pressurising you?” She demands, glancing at me in concern. “Are you sure
he’s not forcing you into anything you’re not ready for?”
“Look,
I have a really big day ahead of me and I’m not exactly looking forward to what
I’m going to have to face at school in just a matter of minutes.” I confess, tugging
my fingers through my hair as my apprehension builds.
“I
understand, Serena. I just want to be here for you and support you when you
need it. That’s all I want you to know.”
“I
swear I’ll try and explain it to you when I’ve managed to figure it out for
myself.” I promise her sincerely, offering her a weak smile.
“Ok.”
She acquiesces, taking hold of my hand before squeezing it tightly. “Until
then… you know I’m here.”
“Thanks,
Lise.” I whisper, suddenly overwhelmed by my best friend and her kindness. “You
know I love you, right?”
“I love
you more.” She says, smiling warmly.
My
knees are trembling as I make my way into school, horrified by the fact that I
still have to use my locker with the word ‘Whore’ scrawled all over it. I was
half expecting it to have been cleaned by the time I came in this morning or at
least have been allocated a different locker until my old one was replaced.
Unfortunately, that’s not what happens.
My
locker is still a complete mess, covered by the same graffiti I had to contend
with yesterday and there’s no indication that I’ll even be granted to a new
one.
Bastards.
“Serena,
you shouldn’t have to use that locker.” Lisa says, glowering at it in contempt.
“I can’t believe no one has done anything about it by now.”
“I
can’t believe they’ve left it like that.”
“Listen,
you can share mine, ok? And we will carry on sharing until your old one is
replaced.” She declares earnestly, guiding me away from my own.
“Thanks
so much.”
“There’s
no way I would let you use that thing, Serena. No way in hell.”
I
truly thought that the rest of my day was going to be just as bad as the day
before. I was absolutely convinced I’d have to go through it all again and had
mental prepared myself to be on the receiving end of everyone’s cruelty like
before.
What
I did not expect was what happened at dinner time.
I
was making my way down the main hallway, rummaging inside my school bad for one
of my books when I saw it. Two of Jonathan’s friends trying to clean the front
of my locker. They had a bunch of cleaning stuff with them and a couple of
cloths in a desperate attempt to remove the vulgar graffiti.
“What
are you doing?” I asked, approaching them with caution.
“Shit,
Serena.” One of them exclaimed, whirling around to face me. “I’m really, really
sorry about this. We’ll make sure we get it all off, don’t worry.”
“Yeah
and if we can’t remove it, you can take my locker until they get yours fixed.”
The second one added, silently pleading with me to accept his offer.
“B-but
why are you cleaning my locker? Who told you to do it?”
“Cole
did.”
“We
said we’d make sure we got it off during our dinner hour so we best get back to
it.” The second guy spoke hastily and switched his attention right back to the
task at hand.
“Like
I said… we’re sorry.” The first one apologised once more, mirroring his friend
as he got back to work.
I
was baffled and completely stupefied by their actions, wondering how on earth
Cole had even managed to find out about my locker, let alone persuade them to
clean it for me. I entered the cafeteria and found Lisa, joining her at our
usual table while we ate. I told her about the cleaning session I had just
witnessed and couldn’t understand why she found it so funny.
“Why
are you laughing?” I questioned her, wondering about her strange sense of
humour all of a sudden.
“Because
Cole obviously threatened them for you and terrified them into submission. It’s
hilarious and no less than what they deserve. They’re probably the ones who put
it there in the first place.”
I
paused for a moment, allowing myself to process what she had just said. Would
Cole really do that? Would he really risk his suspension for the sake of making
those guys fixed my locker?
“How
could he threaten them when he isn’t even in school?” I asked her, taking a
nervous glance around the cafeteria.
It
was as though I half expected to see him nearby, watching me intently or
ignoring me completely.
“Who
knows? I’m just saying I can imagine someone like Cole would find a way around
it. He’s crazy about you and I think you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.”
“Lisa,
he barely spoke to me before yesterday and he ignored me for three weeks before
that.” I reminder her impatiently. “I’m now supposed to believe that he’s been
mad about me all along? It doesn’t even make any sense.”
I
groaned with frustration, rubbing the centre of my forehead to ease some of the
tension that was building.
“Well,
did he explain any of his behaviour to you when you spoke to him about it?”
Lisa enquired, taking a drink from her water bottle.
“Sort
of.” I replied evasively. “But it still doesn’t make any sense to me.”
“I’m
sure you two will sort it out. Just give it time.” She consoled me, squeezing
my hand once more to assure me.
“I
guess I’ll just have to wait and see.” I murmured gloomily, struggling to
consume more than a single mouthful from my plate of food.
The
sound of my phone ringing captured my attention, dragging both of our gazes
towards the school bag at my feet.
“You
might want to answer that.” Lisa advised me, nodding towards it.
“I
don’t know who it is.”
“So
answer it and find out.” She said, rolling her eyes at me.
I
unzipped my bag with trembling fingers as I rummaged through my belongings in
search of my phone. I instinctively knew who was calling me and I couldn’t do
anything to ignore the alarm and apprehension this stirred up inside of me.
“Hello?”
I spoke into the receiver, sounding nervous and on edge.