The Art of Seduction (68 page)

the blacksmith's meshes
—

himself. He lived, but now Tullia's reputation was even greater than before:
\ Heaven's best scandal in
not even money could buy her favors, or so it seemed. As the years went
years. Then take \ My own
by and her beauty faded, some poet or intellectual would always come to
case. I was idle, born to
leisure en deshabille, \

her defense and protect her. Few of them ever pondered the reality: that
Mind softened by lazy
Tullia was indeed a courtesan, one of the most popular and well paid in the
scribbling in the shade. \

profession.

But love for a pretty girl

soon drove the sluggard \

To action, made him join

up. \And just look at me

Interpretation.
All of us have defects of some sort. Some of these we are
now
—f
ighting fit, dead

born with, and cannot help. Tullia had many such defects. Physically she
keen on night exercises: \ If
you want a cure for

was not the Renaissance ideal. Also, her mother had been a courtesan, and
slackness, fall in love!

she was illegitimate. Yet the men who fell under her spell did not care. —OVID,
THE AMORES,
They were too distracted by her image—the image of an elevated woman, TRANSLATED BY PETER GREEN

a woman you would have to fight over to win. Her pose came straight out of the Middle Ages, the days of knights and troubadours. Then, a woman, most often married, was able to control the power dynamic between the sexes by withholding her favors until the knight somehow proved his worth
332
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The Art of Seduction

and the sincerity of his sentiments. He could be sent on a quest, or made to live among lepers, or compete in a possibly fatal joust for her honor. And this he had to do without complaint. Although the days of the troubadour are long gone, the pattern remains: a man actually loves to be able to prove himself, to be challenged, to compete, to undergo tests and trials and emerge victorious. He has a masochistic streak; a part of him loves pain. And strangely enough, the more a woman asks for, the worthier she seems. A woman who is easy to get cannot be worth much.

Make people compete for your attention, make them prove themselves

in some way, and you will find them rising to the challenge. The heat of seduction is raised by such challenges—show me that you
really
love me. When one person (of either sex) rises to the occasion, often the other person is now expected to do the same, and the seduction heightens. By making people prove themselves, too, you raise your value and cover up your defects. Your targets are too busy trying to prove themselves to notice your blemishes and faults.

Symbol:
The Tour-

nament. On the field, with its bright pennants

and caparisoned horses, the lady looks on as knights fight for

her hand. She has heard them declare love on bended knee, their
endless songs and pretty promises. They are all good at such things.
But then the trumpet sounds and the combat begins. In the tourna-
ment there can be no faking or hesitation. The knight she

chooses must have blood on his face, and a few

broken limbs.

Reversal

When trying to prove that you are worthy of your target, remember

that every target sees things differently. A show of physical prowess will not impress someone who does not value physical prowess; it will just show that you are after attention, flaunting yourself. Seducers must adapt their way of proving themselves to the doubts and weaknesses of the seduced. For some, fine words are better proofs than daredevil deeds, particularly if they are written down. With these people show your sentiments in a letter—a different kind of physical proof, and one with more poetic appeal than some showy bit of action. Know your target well, and aim your seductive evidence at the source of their doubts or resistance.

Effect a Regression

People who

have experienced a certain kind of

pleasure in the past will try to repeat or relive

it. The deepest-rooted and most pleasurable memories

are usually those from earliest childhood, and are often un-

consciously associated with a parental figure. Bring your tar-

gets back to that point by placing yourself in the oedipal triangle
and positioning them as the needy child. Unaware of the cause of
their emotional response, they will fall in love with you. Alterna-
tively, you too can regress, letting them play the role of the pro-
tecting, nursing parent. In either case you are offering the

ultimate fantasy: the chance to have an intimate rela-

tionship with mommy or daddy, son or daughter.

The Erotic Regression

As adults we tend to overvalue our childhood. In their dependency and powerlessness, children genuinely suffer, yet when we get older we

conveniently forget about that and sentimentalize the supposed paradise we have left behind. We forget the pain and remember only the pleasure. Why? Because the responsibilities of adult life are a burden so oppressive at times that we secretly yearn for the dependency of childhood, for that per-[
In Japan,
]
much in the
son who looked after our every need, assumed our cares and worries. This
traditional way of child-
daydream of ours has a strong erotic component, for the child's feeling of
rearing seems to foster
passive dependence. The

being dependent on the parent is charged with sexual undertones. Give
child is rarely left alone,
people a sensation similar to that protected, dependent feeling of childhood
day or night, for it usually
and they will project all kinds of fantasies onto you, including feelings of
sleeps with the mother.
love or sexual attraction that they will attribute to something else. We
When it goes out the child
is not pushed ahead in a

won't admit it, but we long to regress, to shed our adult exterior and vent
pram, to face the world
the childish emotions that linger beneath the surface.

alone, but is tightly bound

Early in his career, Sigmund Freud confronted a strange problem: many
to the mother's back in a
snug cocoon. When the

of his female patients were falling in love with him. He thought he knew
mother bows, the child does
what was happening: encouraged by Freud, the patient would delve into
too, so the social graces are
her childhood, which of course was the source of her illness or neurosis.
acquired automatically
while feeling the mother's

She would talk about her relationship with her father, her earliest experi-
heartbeat. Thus emotional
ences of tenderness and love, and also of neglect and abandonment. The
security tends to depend
process would stir up powerful emotions and memories. In a way, she
almost entirely on the
physical presence of the

would be transported back into her childhood. Intensifying this effect was
mother.
• . . .
Children
the fact that Freud himself said little and made himself a little cold and dis-
learn that a show of
tant, although he seemed to be caring—in other words, quite like the tradi-
passive dependence is the
best way to get favors as

tional father figure. Meanwhile the patient was lying on a couch, in a
well as affection. There is a
helpless or passive position, so that the situation duplicated the roles of par-
verb for this in Japanese:
ent and child. Eventually she would begin to direct some of the confused amaeru,
translated in the
emotions she was dealing with toward Freud himself. Unaware of what was
dictionary as "to presume
upon another's love; to

happening, she would relate to him as to her father. She would regress and
play the baby." According
fall in love. Freud called this phenomenon "transference," and it would be-
to the psychiatrist Doi
come an active part of his therapy. By getting patients to transfer some of
Takeo this is the main key
to understanding the

their repressed feelings onto the therapist, he would bring their problems
Japanese personality. It
into the open, where they could be dealt with on a conscious level.
goes on in adult life too:

The transference effect was so potent, though, that Freud was often un-
juniors do it to seniors in
companies, or any other

able to move his patients past their infatuation. In fact transference is a
group, women do it to
powerful way of creating an emotional attachment—the goal of any seduc-
men, men do it to their
335

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The Art of Seduction

mothers, and sometimes

tion. The method has infinite applications outside psychoanalysis. To prac
wives.
...•...
A
tice it in real life, you need to play the therapist, encouraging people to talk
magazine called
Y o u n g about their childhood. Most of us are only too happy to oblige; and our L a d y
featured an article

(January 1982) on "how
memories are so vivid and emotional that a part of us regresses just in talk
to make ourselves
ing about our early years. Also, in the course of talking, little secrets slip
beautiful." How, in other
out: we reveal all kinds of valuable information about our weaknesses and
words, to attract men. An

American or European

our mental makeup, information you must attend to and remember. Do

magazine would then go

not take your targets' words at face value; they will often sugarcoat or over
on to tell the reader how to
dramatize events in childhood. But pay attention to their tone of voice, to
be sexually desirable, no

any nervous tics as they talk, and particularly to anything they do not want
doubt suggesting various

puffs, creams, and sprays.

to talk about, anything they deny or that makes them emotional. Many state
Not so with
Y o u n g Lady. ments actually mean their opposite: should they say they hated their father,

"The most attractive
for instance, you can be sure that they are hiding a lot of disappointment—

women," it informs us,

"are women full of
that they actually loved their father only too much, and perhaps never quite
maternal love. Women

got what they wanted from him. Listen closely for recurring themes and
without maternal love are
stories. Most important, learn to analyze emotional responses and see what
the types men never want

to marry. . . . One has to
lies behind them.

look at men through the

While they talk, maintain the therapist's pose—attentive but quiet,
eyes of a mother. "

making occasional, nonjudgmental comments. Be caring yet distant—

— I A N BURUMA,
BEHIND THE

somewhat blank, in fact—and they will begin to transfer emotions and pro
MASK: ON SEXUAL DEMONS,
ject fantasies onto you. With the information you have gathered about their
SACRED MOTHERS,

TRANSVESTITES, G A N G S T E R S ,

childhood, and the trusting bond you have forged, you can now begin to
DRIFTERS AND OTHER

effect the regression. Perhaps you have uncovered a powerful attachment to
JAPANESE CULTURAL HEROES

a parent, a sibling, a teacher, or any early infatuation, a person who casts a shadow over their present lives. Knowing what it was about this person that affected them so powerfully, you can now take over that role. Or perhaps
I have stressed the fact that
you have learned of an immense gap in their childhood—a neglectful fa
the beloved person is a
ther, for instance. You act like that parent now, but you replace the original
substitute for the ideal ego.

neglect with the attention and affection that the real parent never supplied.
Two people who love each

other are interchanging
Everyone has unfinished business from childhood—disappointments, lacks,

. their ego-ideals. That they
painful memories. Finish what is unfinished. Discover what your target
love each other means they

never got and you have the ingredients for a deep-rooted seduction.
love the ideal of themselves

in the other one. There

The key is not just to talk about memories—that is weak. What you

would be no love on earth
want is to get people to act out in their present old issues from their past,
if this phantom were not
without their being aware of what is happening. The regressions you can
there. We fall in love