The Beginning of Us (38 page)

I stopped breathing. This isn’t right. Danny died. I was there. I felt it. I cried. I grieved. I buried my future husband. I slept in his hoodie. I moved on. No, this can’t be true.

“Mr. McBride, I asked you to keep it simple and not upset her,” Nurse Amanda says, glaring at Skylar while she looks worried at the numbers that appear on the machine next to my bed. “Her blood pressure is too high,” she says to Skylar then turns towards me, “I need you to keep calm. I know you’re taking a lot in right now, but the most important thing is keeping you healthy until the doctor can check you over.”

All this talk about keeping calm is really freaking me out. Starting to hyperventilate, I dart my eyes to Skylar, “Danny’s dead,” I whisper.

“Nurse, would it be ok if you gave us some time alone? I promise to keep her calm,” Skylar pleads with the nurse.

“Ok, Mr. McBride, but I’ll be monitoring her from the nurse’s station. The minute I feel that she needs a break, I will be back,” Amanda says to Skylar.

Turning towards me, “Ms. Adams, you are in control of this situation. If this is too much and you need a break, press your call button. You might be experiencing a little bit of atrophy right now, so you might feel stiff, even a little pain when you move. This is normal. With more movement, your muscles will start to function properly again. The doctor will give you a better diagnosis when he gets here. I paged the on call attending. As soon as he gets here, he’s going to need to assess you. Are you okay with me leaving the room?”

“That’s fine,” I whisper not removing eye contact from Skylar.

Atrophy, that makes sense. Knowing this little bit of information makes me feel so much better.

Amanda walks out of my room and Skylar sits on the end of the bed, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. I still see the love in his eyes, but it’s clouded with doubt and I can’t figure out why.

“Sky, please don’t sit so far away. Please come sit up here,” I say as I pat the bed closer to me, near my hips. I need him to be right next to me. I need to feel him.

Skylar gets up, moving closer to where I asked him to sit. Forcing my body to cooperate with my brain, I lift my arms and brace myself to scoot over to allow him more room to be comfortable. He stands at my bedside, studying the area. Maybe he’s wondering about hurting me.

“Babe, I’m okay, please just sit with me,” I say grabbing his hand, inviting him to sit with me.

“Mira, I don’t want this to look bad when Danny gets back. I really shouldn’t be sitting here like this,” Skylar says as his eyes focus on the cold generic tiles on the floor.

“Why do you keep talking about Danny? He died Skylar. I was there. Did you get hurt last night? Just please tell me what happened. I feel like you think I’m crazy,” I plead.

“He didn’t die Mira. He was pretty banged up, but he made it. You on the other hand, hit your head pretty hard when you flew off the back. I have never been so scared. You looked like you were dead. When you didn’t wake up, everyone thought you were gone.”

My throat feels like it’s swollen and won’t let me swallow, almost like I had an allergic reaction to his words. “No Skylar, he did die. I remember. You held him when he died. You took me home from the funeral. You moved in with me when Kylee moved away.”

Disregarding the discomfort and pain, I push my hands into my hair, shaking my head back and forth.

“This isn’t right Skylar. I remember it so clearly,” I cry into my arms.

I feel Skylar shift on the bed, moving closer to me and finally embracing me in a hug. Cupping the back of my head, pushing it into his shoulder, I continue to sob until I feel like I have nothing left to wrench out.

“Mira, it’s going to be okay. Danny will be back soon and you’ll see for yourself. We’ve been here every day. Kylee’s been here and so has your mom.”

Skylar releases me from the hug and moves back to the spot he initially sat in at the foot of my bed, watching me intently. Watching me almost as if he’s waiting for me to break down and freak out.

“NO! HE. IS. DEAD,” I yell, “He left us. We grieved and we moved on.”

“You must have dreamed it Mira, because I promise you he’s very much alive. He’ll be back with coffee. Watch that door, Mira. He’s going to walk in any minute.”

“It wasn’t a dream. It was real. You and me, Skylar. We are real and we moved on, together.”

Getting off the bed and pacing the room, Skylar runs his hands through his disheveled dark hair. It looks like he’s going to pull it out by the roots. Moving back towards my bed, he sits down at my hips, leaning in so close that if I were to move my head an inch, I would be at his mouth, which is what I do.

“Mira, don’t,” he pleads.

“No. I won’t stop. I finally figure out where I’m supposed to be and you won’t even kiss me,” I say in a loud whisper.

“You don’t even know what happened, Mira. You wake up after seven weeks and think that your fiancé is dead and that we’re in love or something,” Skylar says, straining to get his words out.

“We are in love. We’re madly in love. You and I grieved the loss of Danny and we found love in the process. We found each other. The way it should have been from the beginning.”

“Do you have any idea? Like really, any clue, how long I wished you would say something like that to me? How I have wished that for just five minutes that you were mine, so I would know how it felt to be loved and wanted?” Skylar says, tears welling up in his eyes.

My heart is breaking for him. My own tears start to flow as I grab his hand, pulling it to my mouth, kissing his knuckles. “I am yours Skylar. Stop telling me I’m dreaming. I know what’s real,” I say placing his hand over my heart, “this is what’s real. The love I have for you. The way you make my heart flutter and skip a beat. That is real.”

“Mira, please stop. I can’t have this discussion with you. You’re not mine; you’ve never been mine. For the last four years, you’ve been Danny’s; no matter how much I wished it weren’t true. The bottom line is that I could only dream that you loved me the way I loved you,” Skylar says pulling his hand away.

“You told me before that in your mind, I was always yours. That you would always love me. That you would take care of me and never leave me. You said that if you ever had the chance, you would show me that you would be worthy of my love. How don’t you remember this?”

Skylar’s face turned as white as my generic sheets, “You heard me?”

Finally, he remembers. My heart flutters. I am finally getting through to him, “How could I not hear you? After we made love, we were lying in bed, facing each other. You pushed a piece of hair behind my ear, out of my face. You kissed my nose and rested your forehead against mine and told me all of that. I’m so happy you remember. I told you this was real.”

“Mira, I have loved you from the second I saw you freshman year. I wanted to talk to you, but Danny beat me to the punch. I never questioned it, because he was my best friend. I grew up with the kid. When you and Danny went down, I was terrified. I was so scared that I’d never get to tell you how I felt about you. The doctors said to talk to you, that it might help. That’s what I did,” Skylar says, stopping to dry the tears coming down his face and falling onto my bed.

“Every day that you were asleep, I told you how much I loved you, how much I missed you. How I would love you forever. Promised that if I ever had the chance, I’d make sure to tell you all of my feelings. You were asleep when I told you,” Skylar says, drying the rest of his tears.

Shaking my head, I grab his hand again and pull it to my chest. “Skylar, I know you. You are my forever. I wasn’t dreaming. I wasn’t sleeping. I was right here with you. You can’t tell me it was a dream. Dreams aren’t like this. Don’t you get it? You just told me that my fiancé is alive and all I want is you. You are always what I wanted.”

“Please believe me Mira, I want you more than anything else. You don’t know what you’re saying. You just woke up after almost two months and think you love me because you have a head injury,” Skylar says shifting in the bed.

“I have never been more sure of anything. I am in love with you and you with me. What else is there to know?” I ask, anger and frustration building in my body. I feel like I’m going to explode any second. I try to keep calm knowing that as soon as my blood pressure gets too high, that nurse is coming back. She can’t come back until Sky knows this is fucking real.

Skylar leans into me and grabs something from around my neck. Pulling it up right in front of my eyes, I see my engagement ring from Danny on a small silver chain. “This is what else there is Mira. This is it. You don’t love me. You just think you do. You love Danny and he loves you. You guys are going to get married and I’ll be there. I’ll be his best man. I’ll watch you marry someone else, because I love you that much.”

“Dammit, he might not be dead, but he’s not mine anymore. You’re mine Skylar,” I yell. Taking my hand and hitting my own chest, “You’re in here. You’re so deep in my heart; there isn’t room for anyone else.”

Adjusting the height on the upper portion of my bed, I raise myself up so I’m literally meeting Skylar eye to eye. I focus in on him, staring deep into his crystal blue eyes that I have seared to memory. They are so vivid I close my eyes and still see them. Every damn detail.

“It’s not a dream, Skylar. This is as real as it gets. I’ve never felt anything more real. The way you kiss me, nibbling on my bottom lip. The way you feel inside me, filling me. The way your lip twitches at the moment you come. Skylar, this is fucking real,” I say as I caress his cheek, running my fingers over his lips, “These lips. They look firm, but when they’re on mine, they’re so soft.”

“Mira, you’re killing me here. I’ve had the same dream for years. Kissing you, making love to you, waking up to you. But that’s all it is, a dream.”

I stopped caressing and grab his cheeks in my hands, “Stop saying it’s a fucking dream. It is real. I know how I feel. I know how you feel. I know what you like and how you like it.”

I let his face go and move my hands towards the side of his face. “I know that you love when I do this,” I started massaging his ear lobe softly between my thumb and forefinger. “I know that when I caress you and move my fingers lightly over this spot, you shiver,” and just as I move to the soft spot between his ear and his shoulder, he shivers.

Skylar leaps off the bed, staring at me, hard, “How?”

“Because, it’s not a dream, it never was a dream. I loved Danny, but I crave you. You’re so embedded in my soul; I know it’s not a dream. I know that it’s the truth. So what do we do about it?”

“I can’t just decide what to do, Mira. Not after you being awake, what half an hour, opening your heart to me. I can’t just break Danny and ruin him. He’s been here with you; he loves you. You promised yourself to him. I’m going to need more than five minutes to decide if I can ruin a lifelong friendship.”

I know he loves me. I can see it. He’s fighting himself right now. He tells me that Danny is alive, but I grieved the loss of that relationship, awake or not, I know that my heart is where it’s supposed to be. I gave my heart to Skylar and he accepted it. Feeling braver that I ever have I say, “You need more than five minutes? You have six.”

After six minutes, yes, I watched the clock and the minute that second hand hit twelve, his six minutes were up.

“What did you decide?” I ask, praying that he knows what my reality is versus what he thinks. I need him to use his heart and not his head.

Saying exactly what I feared most, Skylar says, “Mira, I can’t do that to Danny. I would never forgive myself for hurting him so badly.”

“What about me? What about my hurt? You said you love me, what about your hurt?” I yell. “Why is his pain and hurt more important than mine or yours? We’re in love, that has to count for something.”

“Mira, I love you but we’re not in love, it was a dream,” Skylar says, eyes looking in my direction but focused on something that isn’t where he needs to look. I need him to look in my eyes, into my soul. If he does, then we’ll be fine. He’ll see it. The frustration is taking a toll on my body and I know I’m going to lose it.

“Well then fuck this. If what I feel is not real, if everything was just a fucking dream, call that nurse in here to give me something to put me back under. I don’t’ want to live in reality when my dream was so wonderful and I was happy. I’d never been happier in my life. You make me happy and I want to be with you. If the only way I can be with you is in a dream, push that fucking button. I want to go back to fucking sleep.”

Skylar walks back to my bed, resuming the position that I need him in. As soon as he’s seated, I grab his face and pull it towards mine. I wet my lips as I attempt to show him how much in love we are, since he won’t listen to my words.

I place a light kiss on his lips and he groans. Taking this as a sign to continue, I slightly open my mouth, capturing his bottom lip between mine. Lingering in this position for a few seconds, I take my tongue and run it slightly across the seam of his lips, requesting permission to go further. Just when I think that he isn’t going to kiss me back, I go to pull away. At that very second, I feel Skylar’s hand in my hair and he kisses me back.

This isn’t one of those fairytale kisses you read about. This is raw and full of pain and emotion. He plunges his tongue into my mouth, massaging the roof of my mouth. I match his tongue and it’s as if we’re wrestling for position. I need this; I need him. I feel the wetness building up between our faces and I don’t know if the tears are only mine.

Skylar pulls out of the kiss and looks at me. Seeing the whites of his eyes, speckled with red lines, I know that mine were not the only tears spilled in that soul-shattering kiss. Skylar puts his fingers up to his mouth, feeling his swollen lips, almost as if he can’t believe that happened. He stares into my soul. Checkmate.

“Do you love me?” Skylar whispers.

“I do love you, but it’s more than love. I need you. I crave you. You’re my forever. Do you love me?” I ask.

“You’re the only person I have ever loved. I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to kiss you, how I would feel kissing you. Now that I know that feeling, I don’t know if I could ever give it up. I love you more than anything Mira. I always have and I always will.”