The Beginning of Us (41 page)

I survived my childhood because of Jason and other assorted family members or friends that let us move in when my mother decided partying was a more suitable lifestyle than being a mom. They forced our mother to handle the basic needs we couldn’t provide for ourselves for as long as I can remember.
The squeaky wheel gets the oil,
Jason would say, even though, he is only four years older than me. I have no idea where he learned it, but he made use of it to his satisfaction.

To this day, I rarely have to deal with our mother. Our father is long gone. I’m really not sure if he is still walking this planet. Jason doesn’t allow our mother to come around at all, but he does still keep in contact with her. I know he hopes that one day she’ll be better and can be part of our lives. I have long since lost any hope that she’ll ever be someone I want a relationship with. Even if she’s well, our relationship is too damaged for me to trust her. She calls him mainly when she’s in trouble, but never me. He keeps her at bay.

“Where’s Kelsey?” Whitney asks, thankfully breaking my thoughts before I start rehashing all the crap that’s better left in the past. I really need to get to a place where everything doesn’t remind me of the rocky foundation my crumbled world rest on.

“She’s downstairs making appointments for massages on the beach,” Cami says with a hint of sarcasm and a wink of the eye.

“Couldn’t she have done that by phone?” I ask.

“Yeah, but she wanted to scope out the hottest massage therapists. This is Kelsey we’re talking about, ladies.”

We’re all belly laughing when the door to the suite opens and Kelsey walks in with a room service waiter pushing a cart full of sandwich trays, fruit, sparkling waters, and two pitchers of peach Sangria. Oh happy day…liquid courage.

“Hey, Alexis and Whit. Glad you guys finally made it!” She says as she walks over hugging us both and doing a little dance. “This is going to be such a fun weekend. I can feel it!” She smiles. “I thought we could eat in the room before getting ready for the beach. Let’s hurry up! I’m so ready to get this weekend started,” Kelsey excitedly proclaims as she kisses both my cheeks and rushes over to sign the waiter’s bill. He slips out of the room, leaving us to our catching up.

We all eat and visit a bit about our current happenings, but it’s a light hearted, totally mindless conversation as we consume the tasty grouper sandwiches with sweet potato chips. I sip the Sangria, which is delightful, and just what I needed to relax into this weekend. Kelsey looks over at me and winks. She knew I would need this drink to loosen me up. I love that girl!

We all retreat to our bedrooms without any conversation about who’s rooming with whom. I always room with Whit, and Kelsey and Cami room together. This is exactly the way we roomed all those years ago in the sorority house. It’s nice that we never have to think about it. We all go to our corners to unpack our luggage and get ready for the beach.

I choose my simple strapless navy tankini and nautical blue and white cover-up. After I tie my long brown hair back in a low ponytail, I plop my favorite floppy hat on my head. I swipe some sheer lip moisturizer across my lips and apply a little waterproof mascara. I grab my canvas pool bag with sunscreen, the latest People magazine, my Kindle, and phone and I’m ready to go.

Kelsey has reserved a beach hut, so we don’t have to search for chairs or rent beach umbrellas. The beach hut has a private butler. Leave it to Kelsey to set up the VIP service everywhere we go. It’s a wooden platform with a pergola built around and sheer draperies provide just a hint of shade. It definitely provides a nice ambiance. We’re all situated and enjoying the sunshine with mojitos in hand. Whitney’s iPod is playing her beach themed playlist. I’m truly relaxed, more than I have been in months, sitting, reading, and hanging out with friends. The ocean is refreshing, unlike how it will be in a few weeks. I hate it when the temperature rises and the water starts to resemble bath water temperatures.

Who knew this is what I needed? Apparently Whit, hence, why she basically carried me out of the house this morning. I’m so grateful she did, though, I’ll likely never admit it. She, like Jason, has a compulsive need to jump in and take over my life when they feel like I can’t handle it on my own. They perceive me to be much weaker than I actually am. It’s been an ongoing battle over the years, but I love them both so much that most of the time I just suck it up, which says a lot, since I’m not much of a sucker-upper.

“Kelsey, what’s going on with you and the baseball player? It looked serious the last time I saw you guys together. I was a little surprised to see you looking at him so endearingly,” Cami asks, but everyone is looking at me out of the corner of their eyes, trying to gage my reaction to the conversation.

I really don’t want my best friends walking on eggshells, so to lighten the mood I respond quickly, making sure my smile reaches my eyes, so they know I really am okay. “Wow, Kels, I haven’t heard a word about you dating a baseball player. Why are you holding out on me? Please tell me he’s not a Ray’s player. You know the only team worth a damn is the Red Sox! How’s his ass?” I ramble, trying to come across teasingly.

My friends all visibly relax. Whitney lets out a breath she clearly didn’t realize she was holding. They laugh, and Kelsey spends the next hour telling us everything about this new guy. He is indeed a Ray’s player, which I figured. It’s still the very early stages of their relationship, but they’re having fun and it’s taking her mind off her loser ex-husband. Her ex was the biggest ASS. We all hated him. I personally threatened his life on several occasions for the way he talked to Kelsey. She needs some joy in her life, and if this guy is what’s making her smile, I’ll support that relationship with all that I can.

I don’t want any of my friends to experience the emotional angst that seems to have followed me through this life, starting with my childhood and my insanely irresponsible parents.

Everything was better after I left home for good to go to college. Jason was a senior when I entered college. He’s always been my best friend and I knew I’d always be safe when he was close by. It wasn’t that I wasn’t safe without him. By the time he left home for college, I was capable of taking care of myself when my mother ran off with whoever was occupying her time, and Jason was always close enough by that he could be there in fifteen minutes if I really needed him.

During college, I lived in the dorm, but Jason and Jed’s apartment was close. They spent a lot of time on campus anyway. That’s how I met Jed. He and Jason were best friends and roommates. Jed and I immediately became close friends. Our relationship kind of developed because we were always hanging out together. It wasn’t ever an instant, head-over-heels attraction. I grew to love Jed very much, and like Jason, he took care of me even when I didn’t want him or need him to. But he made me feel secure and I was desperate for that in my life. Our life together was perfectly…imperfect.

If I’m honest with myself, there were many days and nights that I felt lonely and unconnected to Jed, even when he was in the same room. Sometimes because he was so focused on his career ambitions and other times because we struggled to connect intimately and physically. We were best friends, deeply supportive and protective of one another, but the physical part of our marriage never came easily. We had sex very sporadically, usually scheduled or requested to fulfill a need in each of us. Once it was over, we were back to best friends with occasional benefits.

We were masters at every other aspect of our marriage and life together. We were happy enough. There was never a day that I didn’t feel safe and provided for, and for a girl like me with a rocky start in life, that meant a lot. I loved Jed so much for the way he cared for me that I was willing to take him in whatever capacity he was willing to give. The fact that Jason approved and supported our relationship was key. Jason trusted Jed and knew he would be loyal and take care me. So at the end of the day, what Jed offered was enough for me.

I trusted Jason’s judgment, so when he gave Jed his blessing to marry me, that told me that I was making a good decision in saying yes…I did, and I mostly never regretted it. Jed provided an amazing life for me from the beginning and soon after for Sierra, when she finally made her surprise entrance into the world. Even after his death, he made sure all his bases were covered in the event of his demise. That made me a little mad, I must say. I know it’s the responsible thing to do, but to put so much thought into life going on without him seems crazy. And the fact is he was right…it does go on.

Sierra and I will never have to worry about losing our home, me having to work to pay the bills, pay for college, or frankly anything else. We’re all set financially, but emotionally we’re a disaster! Well, I should say I’m a disaster. Sierra is great and strong. I think she would like to have a man in our life to do the things daddy’s do. She used to ask if we could go to the store and pick out a new daddy. Strangers would sigh and say how cute it was without knowing the real situation, but to me, it was just another knife in the heart. Now, she asks about it less and less. I try to be both, and when I can’t, I have my brother, Kate, and great friends to help fill Jed’s shoes. Let me tell you, we can pack the house at a dance recital. She may not have her daddy, but she still has a ton of people who love her. That has to count for something!

We spent a couple more hours on the beach, catching up on life. Cami tells us all about the kids and all their extracurricular activities and achievements. She really is supermom! “Overachiever,” I say sarcastically. She’s beaming with a huge smile on her face. She’s so proud of her family.

We go upstairs to freshen up before dinner at the resort restaurant. As Whitney and I are walking towards the elevators, we overhear a group of college girls excitedly discussing some hot country artist who is staying in the resort. Whitney and I are laughing at their insane plots to bed that poor, unsuspecting man. Though, he likely isn’t so unsuspecting. He would probably be thrilled to take any of these ladies into the bedroom! They’re all very nice looking and have paid careful attention to how they look.

“Was there ever a time in my life that plotting to take some rock star to bed was appealing?” I ask Whitney.

“Please, like you would have had to plot. Garrett McKenna would have done a lot more than just take you to bed, back in the day. That boy was as obsessed as they come,” she says, laughing at me!

Garrett McKenna was an amazingly talented musician we went to college with. We were all good friends, and although I had a major crush on him, we never really made it past the friend stage. I never, ever saw him with the same girl twice the whole year we hung out. “Whatever, who didn’t think Garrett was the hottest thing on two legs? That boy was never going to be the settle down type and I’m pretty sure that hasn’t changed, from what the gossip magazines say. Don’t pretend we had something we didn’t. You know he just liked to hang out and sing with me.”

We’re both giggling like school-girls and reminiscing as we walk down the hall to our suite. I feel normal for the first time in months. I’m so happy that I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something for myself. Just when I think I’ll never get back to normal again, I see a glimmer of the old Alexis peek through the darkness. But I’m careful not to be too hopeful that the darkness is ceasing. I can’t set myself up to fail.

We make it back to the room and scurry off to the showers. “Thank God for two bathrooms. Four girls and one bathroom would have been a nightmare!” I say after Whitney gets out of the shower twenty-five minutes later. She’s always been a bathroom hog. I guess that’s why we made perfect roomies. I’m completely dressed and showered in the time it takes her to wash her hair!

I’m wearing a white eyelet, sleeveless cotton dress with brown sandals, and my hair is braided over my shoulder. It’s a comfortable beach outfit for dinner, and then later, since I’m pretty sure we’ll end in a local bar. I’m also hoping to escape these ladies at some point and have a bit of quiet time on the beach. We’ll have to see. Before leaving for dinner I grab my cell and head out to the balcony to call my baby girl. I’m sure Kate is feeding the kids before getting them ready for bed, but I need to hear her voice and sing her special bedtime song. I dial the number.

“Hey, sis, how’s the beach?” Jason answers on the first ring.

“It’s great, warm and sunny. Believe it or not, I think this may be just what the doctor ordered. I’m really relaxed, and it’s nice to catch up with the girls. How’s my little mini-me? I miss her like crazy!” I whine a little at the last sentence.

He snickers, “Well, I’m not convinced that feeling is mutual. She’s having a blast torturing the boys! Poor little bastards don’t stand a chance with Sierra and Lyla. They’re ruling this roost! The boys are all being forced to play some game of house. The little brats are all wearing tutus and barking. I’m not really sure what’s going on in their storyline. I was just wondering if I was going to need to bill you for the therapy that I’m sure they will need after today.”

I’m laughing at what my daughter’s idea of playing house could be - turning my twin nephews into tutu-wearing animals or whatever else she’s come up with. “Wow, sounds like Sierra. She is dog obsessed, lately. She’s been asking me for a puppy every day. Thank you for giving her that! I definitely owe you and Kate a few days away. Let me know when I can cover and stay with the kiddos. Can I hear my baby girl’s voice before we head out to dinner?” I ask.

“No problem, sis. We’ll let you stay with these rug rats anytime! But for now, just go and have a great night. Love you,” he says right before he passes the phone to a squealing little girl.

“Hi, Mama, we’re playing house and I bought a dog and named her Petals. She wears a pink ballerina dress.” She fills me in, talking so fast she barely takes a breath.

“Nice, sweet girl, remember to be super sweet to that puppy. I would hate for the little rascal to bite you!” I say, with hopes she gets the message that picking on her older twin cousins isn’t acceptable.