The Beginning of Us (44 page)

Garrett looks at me with eyes full of sadness. I’m hoping not to see the pitying look I’ve come to know so well. I hate that look. I’m sick of people feeling sorry for me. “Lex, when I heard about Jed, I want you to know, I wanted to call you so badly. I wanted to rush here and hold you. I wanted to assure you it was going to be okay. But, after being away so long, I knew that would be wrong. I wasn’t the one you needed to console you. So I stayed in Nashville and just prayed. I actually went to church for three Sundays in a row, praying for you to be okay, to be strong. And then I saw your picture in the newspaper my mom sent me. I could see your strength in that picture, even through your tears, as you were holding Sierra.” He smiles. It’s not a pitying face, but one that holds a great deal of regret. I’ve learned to see the difference.

He stops walking and looks me directly in the eyes. “She’s really beautiful, by the way. She looks so much like you.” He takes me by the hand and we continue walking, as he rubs circles into my palm. It’s almost like he’s trying to comfort me. He knows how hard that was for me to admit. I have never told anyone that I am grateful Sierra doesn’t remember much of what it was like to have a daddy. Yet, still I hope someday we’ll have someone in our life who wants to take on that role.

No one will ever replace Jed, but a little girl needs a daddy growing up. Believe me, this is something I do know about. Growing up without a dad was hard for me. I remember being so envious of other little girls, whose dads took them to the father/daughter dances in elementary school, who took them for doughnuts on Saturday mornings so the moms could sleep, who taught them how to ride a bike and drive a car-- all the things that I either did without or learned from Jason.

Jason and I survived in spite of our parents’ failures. I want something different for my little girl. I want her to have those special memories with a daddy and feel what it’s like to be the sunshine in a daddy’s world. But I don’t know how to do that without feeling like I’m replacing or discounting Jed. Maybe I’m just not ready. Will I ever be ready?

“Where’d you go, beautiful?” he asks, looking at me curiously.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I got lost in my thoughts. I do that a lot. I’m sorry.” He nods, allowing me time to snap out of my wandering thoughts.

We reach the pier. I think we’ve been walking a while, but I have no idea what time it is. I reach for my phone and realize it’s almost eight o’clock. I need to call Sierra. I promised I'd call at breakfast. “I’m sorry, Garrett, can you give me a few minutes? I need to make a call.” He’s puzzled, but says no problem.

I walk over to sit in the sand under the pier and dial Jason. “Hey, sis. Sierra just said mommy’s gonna call soon. That kid has you on her radar.”

Yep, that’s my girl. At least she has learned that when I say I’m going to do something, I’ll always come through! It’s the one thing I always want her to know. Good or bad, I’ll always be there for my girl.

“Yeah, she does. Did I tell you what she told the teacher last week when she got in trouble?” I ask him.

“Your kid, in trouble, I’m shocked to hear that,” he says, laughing.

“Well, apparently she wasn’t following the instructions Ms. Davis gave, so she issued an ultimatum, telling Sierra that if she didn’t listen, she was going to have to call her mommy. Sierra told Ms. Davis that would be great! Please call her mama and tell her how much she hated school. Needless to say, I have to go to a parent/teacher conference this week,
again
. This is the part of being a single parent I hate.”

He’s still laughing at me. And although I too thought it was funny, I’m not looking forward to another meeting. “Well, sis, you raised that little monster to say whatever she feels.
What comes up, comes out!
Aren’t those your words? Good luck with
that
conference. I can go with you, if you want me to. I know it’s hard to always do these things alone.”

He’s always so supportive and willing to step in at any time. But I’m trying so hard to prove I can do this on my own. “No, Jason, I’ll be fine. Thanks, though. Can I talk to Sierra, before y’all run off on your day?” I ask.

“Yep. Here she is. Love ya!”

“Love you, too!”

He calls Sierra in a sing song voice. I hear her running in the background. “Hi, Mama,” she says loudly. “I had Mickey Mouse pancakes with chocolate chips for breakfast. Uncle Jason made them special. Can we go to Disney World soon?”

God, I love that kid. My heart is soars, hearing her precious voice. I miss her. “Of course, baby girl. We can go soon. Maybe we can even stay at the hotel that the monorail rides through that you love so much. Tell me what you’re doing today.” She’s very excited, and it makes me happy that she enjoys spending time with our only family.

“Auntie Kate says we’re going to the zoo and the splash park. I’m wearing my new bathing suit. She made me a towel with a hood and it has my name on it!” My overachieving sister in-law can’t help herself when it comes to making me feel less than competent. She doesn’t mean to do it, but she freaking sews and makes gourmet dinners, while working full-time at the kids’ school. She’s class mom, and whatever else she can fit into the last six minutes of her day. But I love her dearly. Even though, I’m convinced she’s likely undercover, testing some pharmaceutical, to make herself super-mom!

“Oh, that sounds fun. You’ll have to tell me all about it when I call you tonight. Do you want to hear your song now?”

“Yes, Mama. I changed my mind at bedtime. I wanted you to sing, but Uncle Jason sang instead. He’s not as good as you, Mama.” I knew that would happen, but I find it fascinating that Jason sang to her. He has an amazing voice, but doesn’t really enjoy singing very much.

“Hey, I heard that,” Jason says in the background and Sierra’s giggles explode, music to my ears.

“Okay, baby girl, listen up!” I sing part of the song from
Butterfly Fly Away
by Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus to her while I sit on the beach, watching the waves gently caress the shoreline. She loves hearing about the caterpillars and butterflies. It’s really a precious song. I’ve been singing it to her for years. It used to be she only wanted to hear
Puff the Magic Dragon
, but now it’s
Butterfly Fly Away
.

As I finish singing and say my “I love yous”, I realize that Garrett is sitting there staring at me. His beautiful gray eyes are glowing. He looks so peaceful. He was listening to me sing.

“Garrett, did you enjoy the song about caterpillars? Do you need someone to sing to you every day, too?” I’m being silly and trying to tease him.

Instead of deflecting, he says, “Sweetheart, I would give anything in this world to hear you sing to me every day. And you can sing about whatever you want. You’re quite amazing, Lex! What you’re giving to Sierra is priceless. Those memories are irreplaceable.”

Tears…I feel them coming. Oh no, I haven’t cried in a while. I was doing so good! Not now, I plead with myself. But it’s happening, and I can’t stop them. The dam has opened.

“Lex, you’re the best mom. I thought my mom was pretty amazing, and she is, but what I just heard, sweetheart.
You
really are special. I’ve never experienced anything quite like that.”

Yep, big tears are streaming down my face. I’m not sure what to say. I hate when people see me cry, but this time they aren’t sad tears. I try so hard to be not just a good mom, but the best mom, and so often I feel inadequate. I want to fill Jed’s shoes, too, so I work twice as hard to compensate sometimes. It’s exhausting, but I love Sierra so much it makes it all worth it. The fact that Garrett sees what I wish I could see, makes me happy but also makes me wonder how it’s possible he got that from overhearing a ten minute conversation.

“Thank you, Garrett, for saying that. You don’t know how much that means to me.” He just lifts me off the sand and holds me banishing my tears, as he wipes them away one by one with the tip of his pointer finger.

It’s getting late and I told Whitney before I left that I’d be back for breakfast. They’re all probably just waking up. We start walking back toward the resort, in the comfortable silence of before, but this time my mind is consumed with thoughts of saying goodbye to Garrett and not seeing him for God knows how long. Now that I’ve spent this time with him, it feels like a huge loss all over again. I don’t want to be an overzealous blast from the past. I’ll walk away with a smile, even though my heart will break a little on the inside.

Right before we reach the resort he stops abruptly and pulls me into him. “Lex, I’m not ready to say goodbye to you. It’s too hard. I know this is a girls’ weekend, and I can’t hijack all your time, but please, will you come to the wedding with me tonight? I need to spend more time with you. Nine years is a very long time to make up for in a few hours.”

His beautiful gray eyes are pleading with me, but there’s no fighting on this end. I’m relieved that he was thinking the same thing as me. He’s not ready to walk away either. How can I possibly deny him, or myself for that matter? He’s right. This little amount of time is nowhere near enough.

“Yes, Garrett, I’d love to go to the wedding with you. I’ll go upstairs and raid the girls’ closets. I’m sure I can come up with something to wear to a wedding between all our wardrobes.”

His face lights up like the Fourth of July. “Thank you so much, sweetheart. I’ll pick you up at 4:30. I’ll have my phone with me if you want to call and say ‘hi’ today, or if you need anything.
You
have my number so
use
it, Alexis.” He winks at me and then we walk into the resort.

Garrett

Chapter 5

She’s coming to the wedding with me! She said she’d come. I never expected her to agree, but she didn’t even hesitate. I’m shocked, yet so damn excited! I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to do more than kiss her. I felt like I’d just hit the jackpot. The idea of having to spend time with her in a room full of people doesn’t thrill me as much as having her all to myself, but as long as I get to be close to her, I really don’t care. I’ll take what I can get.

I’m performing a song for the bride and groom’s first dance tonight. They chose the song
Marry Me
by Train. Now I have a better idea. I pull out my phone and text Alexis.

Me: Do you know the song Marry Me by Train?

She responds right away. Nice! I like that.

Alexis: Of course, who doesn’t?

She’s such a smart ass sometimes. I kind of like it, but it evokes a need I can’t quite take care of with her, unfortunately. Down, boy!

Me: Have you ever heard the version by Martina McBride & Pat Monahan?

Fingers are crossed. I want to sing with her again, badly.

Alexis: Yes. It’s my favorite version. I’m a country girl through and through. You should know that!

She is a country girl. It was one of the first things I loved about her, and clearly she hasn’t strayed from her roots. That makes me proud.

Me: Will you sing it with me, tonight? For the bride and groom’s first dance? It’s supposed to be my gift to them.

Alexis: Garrett, they want to hear you, not me. I’ll just stand by the stage and try to look pretty.

Oh please, she thinks if she stands by the stage she’ll go unnoticed. I know better. Every eye in the room will be on her. Guaranteed!

Me: Please? It’ll be so much better if you sing with me. It’s been too long. What can I do to convince you, Lex? Name it? Any price, deed or favor.

I’m begging her, and damn well praying she wants a deed or a favor, but I’d pay any price. I know her too well, though. She’ll do it if she wants to, but if she doesn’t want to, there’ll be nothing I can do to convince her.

Alexis: Ugh! Only if you come up to my room with your guitar so we can practice. I don’t want to wing it and I’ll need LOTS of practice so I don’t make a fool out of you, which will likely happen anyway. You’ve been warned!

Fan-Fucking-Tastic! I’m a lucky-ass guy! This girl hasn’t let me down yet!

Me: Sweetheart, you could never make me look foolish! I’m on my way up. See you in a few! BTW…THANKS and I meant it when I said, name your price, deed or favor!

I grab my Martin case and bolt to end of the hall. I take the stairs, since I only have to go down one flight. When I reach her door, I knock once before Kelsey opens up.

“Well, good morning, early riser! I hear you’re taking our girl to a snazzy wedding tonight. Thanks for the heads up. If you would’ve told us before, we could’ve acquired more appropriate wedding attire.”

I reach for my cellphone dialing Josh, my assistant. I briefly instruct him to make arrangements for the ladies to shop on my account anywhere they’d like. I have Kelsey relay her cell phone number to Josh then reach into my wallet and hand over my black Amex to Kelsey, flippantly telling her, “Go buy her whatever she would want. Pamper her. Her coming to this wedding with me is the best news I’ve had in years. Buy her whatever will make her happy to be there. Josh will make arrangements for you. Be sure to call him if you need anything.” I’ve learned over the years that giving a chic a credit card and telling her to buy whatever she wants makes them go a bit starry eyed, just like Kelsey is doing now.

“Eeeeeekkkk! Whit, Cami, let’s go. We have some shopping to do to get our girl ready for her ball tonight,” she says, mock dancing and twirling around.

Alexis looks at me with concern pooling in her eyes and…anger. Those emotions are quickly gone and replaced with feisty.

“ABSOLUTELY NOT! Kels, give him back that card, right now! I can buy my own clothes,” she says, reaching for her purse and snatching out her wallet. “Here, take my credit card and get me a nice dress that I can perform in, and shoes that I’ll be able to stand in.”