The Believer (37 page)

Although he had walked into the woods knowing she was somewhere in the shadow of the trees, he had no thought of finding her. The woods spread out all around their village and there were many paths she might have followed to seek Sister Lettie's roots. Instead he kept his feet on the trails he knew best in search of something he could never find againBrother Issachar walking beside him once more.

Yet in some ways he had found Brother Issachar there. So many sights brought memory of his words and even better the echo of his gentle laughter. Ethan's spirit was comforted almost as if Brother Issachar was picking him up after a fall. He'd often done that when, as a boy, Ethan had run through the woods with too much eagerness to pay attention to the rocks and snags underfoot. Brother Issachar never berated him for his carelessness.

Instead he simply helped him up, brushed him off, and encouraged him on. "There are many things that can trip us up as we go through life. And while it could be that you should pay somewhat more attention to those you can easily step over, even so you will find no way to avoid every obstacle along your path. The thing is to not let a little stumble stop you. Just run on, Brother Ethan. There is much to discover."

Run on. That was what Ethan heard Brother Issachar telling him as he walked through the woods. He couldn't undo the fall. He couldn't bring Brother Issachar back to him. Not in this world. He could only walk with him now in thought and memory, but the image in his mind was so strong he could almost feel the touch of Brother Issachar's hand on his shoulder and hear the whisper of his voice on the gentle breeze. Run on.

Ethan had ended up on the cliff above the clear pool of water where Brother Issachar had let him swim on the hottest days of summer. Another of the many things Brother Martin had frowned upon that Brother Issachar had allowed. A boy did not learn to be a proper Believer by giving in to the reckless impulse for fun, Brother Martin lectured. There were times for pleasure but only after the work was done and as the Ministry directed. Believers were not to be like those of the world with no thought of anything but the moment at hand.

As he stared down at the water, Ethan remembered the last time he was there at the pool and the abandon with which he had shucked his shoes and hat and jumped into the water with the white-haired little sister. And then Elizabeth had jumped in with the same abandon.

He had never confessed that transgression to Brother Martin. He confessed being there with Elizabeth. He confessed being drawn to her in a carnal way. But he hadn't confessed how his heart had pounded with joy as they shared the feel of the cool water in the pool. He had not touched her, but the same water had wrapped around them both and awakened feelings inside him that were both fearful and delightful.

He was thinking on those very feelings when Elizabeth spoke behind him, so it was little wonder he wasn't sure if his desire had merely brought her image to him. But no, she was really there. Her cap was slightly askew and dirt streaked her apron. A few tendrils of rich brown hair hung down on her neck. She was so beautiful standing there in a shaft of sunlight that it took his breath away.

"Are you all right, Brother Ethan?" She stepped closer to him with a look of concern.

He wished the word "brother" from her tongue. He did not want to be her brother. He forced himself to answer. "Yea, you need not worry. I was not thinking of jumping any more than you were when last we were here together"

"That is good to hear." Her eyes caught on his hand. "You have injured yourself'

He held up the splint. His fingers throbbed in a dull, steady way, but he had been almost glad of the pain as he walked through the trees, remembering Brother Issachar. That throb had been something tactile he could focus on instead of the pain in his soul. "I let a rock fall on my fingers," he said. "An inconvenience. Nothing more. Sister Lettie splinted my hand to aid their healing'

"It is good you let Sister Lettie treat you:"

"I could do naught else. It takes a whole man to be a good Shaker' He let his hand fall back to his side. The throb beat stronger in his fingertips.

"So Sister Lettie has taught me:"

She dropped her eyes to the ground as was only proper for a Shaker sister. Yet he wanted to step closer and reach out to tip her chin up. He desired her eyes on him.

When he remained quiet, she went on. "I should not have interrupted your silence. You were surely thinking of Brother Issachar."

"Yea, that and other things"

Something in his voice brought her eyes back to his. She looked at him for a long moment as if considering what next to say and finding all her words to be lacking. At last she said, "I will leave you to your mourning"

When she started to turn away, Ethan stopped her. "Don't go. Linger here with me a moment, Elizabeth. I have need to talk with someone"

Her eyes widened a bit, but she didn't look away. "Then shouldn't you seek out Brother Martin or one of the elders?"

"Nay, I misspoke. I don't have the need to talk with just anyone. I have the need to talk with you"

Her eyes flashed as if she had trapped sunlight in them, but then the clouds of worry came back. "I have been trouble enough to Harmony Hill. I wouldn't want to be the cause of trouble for you as well:'

I am already troubled. Since my very first sight of you, I have been troubled in my spirit:' He stepped toward her then until they were only a pace apart. He wanted to move that last step closer and put his arms around her. He wanted to pull off her cap and let her hair tumble down on her shoulders. He wanted to cover her lips with his. Brother Martin's voice echoed in his head. Sin, sin, sin. He closed thought of Brother Martin out of his mind. "Do I trouble your spirit?"

"Not as yours is troubled" She smiled slightly, a thoughtful yet somehow sad smile, and laid her hand softly on his arm as if that was the most natural thing in the world to do. Perhaps in the world she came from it was. "I am troubled by many things. Decisions that must be made. Sorrows that cannot be avoided, but I am not troubled by the feelings I have for you, Ethan. Only by the problems it has brought you:"

"What are your feelings for me?" He hesitated for a bare moment before he added, "Is it love for a brother?"

Her smile grew broader. "I have called you brother as the Shakers require, but it has been in name only. You are not my brother." Her smile faded. She shut her eyes a moment, and he feared she wasn't going to say more. Then she opened her eyes and looked at him with boldness. "But I do love you:'

Such joy swept through Ethan that he could imagine whirling in celebration of that joy as he had seen many do in meeting. But that was spiritual joy. And this was carnal joy. Strictly forbidden. He should shake off her hand, shake out of him this carnal desire, but instead he reached back for the joy.

She must have seen the storm of his feelings on his face because she said, "I know you Shakers believe such love is wrong. But to me it is as natural as breathing. It's a gift from the Lord more powerful than any gift I have seen at your meetings. I believe the Lord created us with that gift in mind. He gave us these feelings" She paused a moment as if hoping he might speak. When he did not, she went on, her voice sad now. "I know that our love can never be, but knowing that truth doesn't make my love any less:'

He gazed into her eyes and felt he might drown in their beauty, but he didn't know what to say. He couldn't love her. He had signed the Covenant. He'd sworn to only know brotherly love. Not this love of passion. The kind of love Brother Issachar had known for his Eva. The love Adam and Eve had shared once they had been thrown out of the Garden of Eden. Had they shared such love while still in the garden? Or was it as Mother Ann taught that before man's original sin, each child was to be a gift to mankind directly from God without the sin of sexual union?

He had no answers. But then he heard Brother Issachar's words whisper through his mind. Follow your heart. And without thinking, without considering the rights or wrongs of his actions, he put his arms around Elizabeth and pulled her to him. She didn't resist, but yielded completely to his embrace. He stared down into her face for a long moment as every inch of his body quivered in anticipation. Then as if it were just as she said and as natural as breathing, he bent his head down and covered her lips with his.

A thousand stars exploded in his soul. He didn't want to ever turn her loose. He knew why Brother Issachar had called for his Eva with such feeling so many years after she'd been gone from him. He could imagine why the garden no longer mattered to Adam. But then Brother Martin edged back into his mind. Will you surrender your eternal salvation for this moment of pleasure? You are a covenanted Believer. Put this sin of the flesh from you.

He jerked away from Elizabeth and stepped back. "I cannot do this. I am a Believer."

For a moment, Elizabeth stared at him with her arms still outstretched. Then she lowered her arms as sorrowful acceptance came into her eyes. "Yea, so you are:"

He wanted to move back into the circle of her arms, to let that joy explode within him again, but instead he took another step away from her.

She reached toward him with alarm on her face. "Careful. Do not back over the brink, my. . " She hesitated before saying, "My brother."

He looked down at his feet. The rock was solid under him, but the edge was near. He eased away from it even as he felt he had already fallen from the brink and was spinning through the air with nothing to break his fall.

She was speaking again, her words finding the way through the whirlwind around him. "You need not despair, Ethan. I will not lead you into more sin as you see it. On the morrow I will be gone from your village and you can continue on the Shaker path you have chosen:"

"I did not choose it. It chose me"

"How so?" Her forehead wrinkled in a frown as she awaited his answer.

He wanted to explain. He wanted her to understand. "When I was six, I jumped from a raft to get away from some bad men and washed ashore here. Brother Issachar found me on the riverbank and took me back to the village. This life is my destiny."

She let her breath out in a little sigh. "And so I must move on to my destiny."

He looked at her a moment before he asked, "But where will you go?"

She mashed her mouth together and straightened her shoulders to stand taller. The lines of her face grew determined until none of the softness that had been there earlier remained. "There is one who will take us in"

"You will go to the world then" He could hardly bear the thought of her gone forever from his sight. If only there was another way. A way without sin. "I would that you could stay here. Become a Believer."

"Nay, that is not what you want" Her eyes didn't waver on him as she spoke.

He could not deny the truth of her words. She knew his heart. That was not what he wanted. What he wanted could not be.

When he stayed silent, she went on. "You must do what you must do and so must I." She turned away from him then to start across the clearing toward the trees.

"I know nothing of the world,' he called after her with despair.

She stopped and looked back to him. She smiled a little as she said, "You have no reason for concern. You will have no need of such knowledge here among the Shakers. May you know a life of peace and goodness:"

"Yea, as can you," he said. "If you stay among us"

"No, I have desires in my heart that are unfitting a Shaker. It cannot be"

She shook her head sadly and turned back toward the woods. He watched her all the way across the clearing. She moved with purpose, never once looking back. He stared long at the spot where she disappeared into the trees.

The shadows under the trees were deepening as Elizabeth hurried back through the woods to the village. She made her feet keep moving forward as she searched out her trail, even though all she really wanted to do was sit down on a tree stump and just give in to the sadness in her heart.

But no, she had to fulfill her duty to the Shakers and then she would carry out her duty to Hannah. She had always been dutiful. A dutiful daughter. A dutiful sister. With much prayer and forbearance she would force herself to become a dutiful wife to Colton Linley. She shuddered at the thought as the shadows seemed to move from under the trees to enfold and darken her soul. But she could not allow her feet to stray off her path.

At the same time, she didn't try to keep her thoughts from straying back to Ethan. She loved him. She wasn't ashamed of admitting that love to him. Nor was she ashamed of the kiss they shared.

She had followed her heart as Brother Issachar had told her to do, and she had no regrets. She would carry that feeling of complete surrender to the love in her heart to her grave. It was a treasure, a gift that would help her through the days ahead. She might never again be lifted up and swept away by love, but at least she had experienced how love was meant to feel.

The echo of Ethan's words, I am a Believer, rang over and over in her head until she had no doubts she was choosing her only possible path in leaving the Shakers. There had been moments since Brother Issachar's funeral when she had wondered if she might continue with the Shakers yet a little longer. With time, Hannah would surely forgive her and understand why going to Colton was a sacrifice too hard for Elizabeth to make. But now the sacrifice was for more than Hannah. It was also for Ethan.