The Believer (42 page)

Ethan watched Elizabeth and the little sister until they disappeared from sight. It was over. She was gone. He could go on about his life as a Believer. He could push away the carnal temptations of the world and concentrate on working for the good of his brothers and sisters. He could listen to Elder Joseph in meeting and not be tempted to let his eyes stray to the benches where the sisters sat. The one who drew his eye would no longer be among the sisters.

He could pray again and have faith the Eternal Father would hear his prayers. Lately his prayers had been running into the stone barrier of sinfulness in his heart and shattering before they reached the Lord's ears. Brother Martin had often reminded Ethan that he who sinned had no reason to expect his prayers to be answered. Not until he made confession of those sins and determined to turn from his wrongs. A man had to make his decision to live the right way, the only way. He had chosen to be a Believer. The one who had enticed his eye off that proper path was gone from their midst.

That was good. His mind knew that. His heart did not. His heart chased after her, and it was all he could do to stay still and not call out to her. She had seen him, but she had not let her eyes linger on him. She had not lifted her hand in farewell. Her step had not faltered as she walked away from him.

In the woods she had professed her love for him. He hadn't made the same profession back to her, but the kiss had revealed more than his words could have ever said. He did love her. In a worldly way. In a wondrous way. Yet he had not chosen her. He had chosen the Believers and the life he knew. How could he choose other? It was sin to commit matrimony. As amazing as it felt, that fire that raced through him when their lips touched was wrong. A sinful fire that would surely consume him if he kept lusting after worldly ways.

He wanted no part of the world. In the world, men had no peace in their hearts. Men of the world, men like Hawk Boyd, thieved and murdered and lived only for themselves. He could not go into that world. He didn't want to become a man such as his father. He was a Believer. He had told Elizabeth that there on the cliff after they kissed. She hadn't condemned him for lacking the courage to follow his heart. She'd simply opened her hands and set him free, the way a child might release a firefly caught at dusk.

Yet he did not feel free. He felt as if the weight of a whole wagonload of rocks sat upon his heart.

"Our former sister never had intent to walk the Shaker path. That is too bad, for no doubt she will reap sorrow from her worldly choices. Praise Mother Ann that sorrow won't touch us. It is good the fallen one is gone out from us," Brother Martin told him when he found Ethan in the graveyard, staring down at the mound of dirt that covered Brother Issachar.

"Yea," Ethan said. He had no other words.

"You are late to your duty."

"I lost count of the time," Ethan said as he obediently followed Brother Martin away from the graveyard. He would follow the rules. He would put his hands to work and he would strive to be simple in the Shaker way.

"You are to stay with me on this day while your fingers begin to heal. As it is your left hand that is injured, you can help copy some lessons for the young brothers, and then with the morning, you will be assigned to work in the Carpenters' Shop'

"How will I work with this?" Ethan held up his splinted hand.

"Worry not. Until your hand is better, you will only be fetching supplies for the other carvers or sweeping and cleaning. As Mother Ann teaches, good spirits will not stay where we allow dirt to collect. So we must keep our workrooms as clean and neat as we keep our spirits and our hearts" Brother Martin looked at Ethan sharply. "It is good we have meeting this evening, for I sense you have some work to do cleaning out your heart and putting the right feelings back into your spirit"

"Yea;' Ethan answered.

But that night at meeting, his spirit was not put right. All he could think of was the darkness falling outside and where Elizabeth might find to lay her head. In spite of the way he stomped and shook as he exercised the dances for Mother Ann and sang the songs begging to be brought low and live the simple life, he longed for only one simple thing. That was to feel Elizabeth's head resting in the hollow of his shoulder and to know she was safe.

He feared such thinking might bring conflict into the meeting, and so he withdrew from the dances to sit and watch. Some moved with freedom of spirit, but others seemed unsure and unblessed as they went through the motions of the dance. Brother Payton was one of those. He didn't seem able to keep his mind on the proper steps or his eye on the marks in the wooden floor that kept the dances orderly. Once he stumbled and fell, but the brothers around him picked him up and kept him in the flow of the dancers.

They would have done the same for Ethan. They would have carried him forward. Their strengths would suffice for his weaknesses. Yet he had pulled away. A fact noted by Brother Martin if the frown that darkened his face when he looked Ethan's way was any indication. If only Brother Issachar could once more be beside Ethan on the benches. If only he could tell him what to do. Then had he not already told him what to do in his last words before he died? Follow your heart. But the stones of sorrow were crushing his heart.

When at last the exercises ended and the brothers and sisters began filing out of their proper doors to retire for the evening, Ethan was relieved. It had been a long day with the fire keeping many of them out of their beds for much of the night. Rest would be a gift. Elder Joseph said as much when he bid them goodnight.

Ethan knelt by his bed to say his nightly prayers, but he found no proper petitions in his head. No "guide these hands to do thy work." No "bless our society." No pleas for love from Mother Ann. No requests for gifts to use for his brethren and sisters. There was only Elizabeth. And so, although Brother Martin would surely say he was compounding his sin, Ethan's silent prayers were for her safety.

But his heart had no confidence in his prayers, and even after exhausted sleep finally overtook him, he found no rest. In his dreams he was running. At first he seemed to be chasing after someone, but then he was being pursued. He saw the flash of Hawk Boyd's knife in the darkness that pressed in on him. Then there was Brother Martin frowning, shaking his head, turning his back, refusing to help Ethan escape the knife. Ethan stumbled over something. Brother Issachar lay dead at his feet. And far ahead, he heard Elizabeth scream. He could not help her. He could never run so far in time. Not with the way he was having to push his legs forward as if running through a river of molasses. It was pulling him down into it until, like a fly caught in a spider's web, he could no longer move.

He jerked awake and stared at the darkness pushing down on him. Clouds must be over the moon, as scant light came through the windows. That was how it would be for Brother Issachar in his grave, but no. Brother Issachar would have stepped over into heaven. He would be in the glorious light. With his Eva.

At the rising bell, Ethan went to his duty. There had always been a certain comfort in the sameness of his life. He knew what was expected. He knew what was to come. He had not only accepted that, he'd sought that smooth ride through life. Like floating down a serene lake. He had run from the tosses and turns of a stormy river. Then the world had come to him, had found him in spite of his Shaker clothes and promises, had stolen Brother Issachar from him, had pushed Elizabeth into his path. Had dumped him into the river of life where now he must decide which shore to swim toward.

He worked through the day with few spoken words. There was no need for conversation. The carpenters were busy shaping their chairs and chests. He swept up their sawdust and carved leavings awkwardly with his one good hand and helped to sand smooth some of the pieces. Brother Payton was putting together a chair, but though he ran his hands over the spindles lovingly, he looked as if he had slept as poorly as Ethan.

It wasn't until late in the afternoon when it was almost time for the evening meal that Brother Payton came out of the Carpenters' Shop to where Ethan was straightening some lumber that lay ready for the morrow's work. Logs not yet split into planks lay to the side, and Ethan easily picked out the last log he had helped Brother Issachar bring into the village before they left for New Orleans. The brethren had left it through the winter for Brother Issachar, who envisioned a beautiful oaken desk for the Ministry. Now the promise of that log would have to be wrought by another workman.

Payton nodded toward the oak log. "That is Brother Issachar's log. None of the brethren want to cut into it:"

"He would want it used," Ethan said.

"Yea, Brother Micah says the same, but he says we can wait until the sorrow is not so sharp" Payton's eyes lifted to Ethan's face. "You could make something from it:"

"I'm not a gifted craftsman. I can only do simple pieces. A holding box or a bench. It would be better if the log became the desk Brother Issachar planned it to be:"

"I love working with the wood"

"Yea, Brother Issachar told me you have a gift for the wood last fall when he worked with you in the Carpenters' Shop. He said your first chair showed promise'

The young Shaker's cheeks turned red with pleasure. "I would that I could work with the wood all the time, but I know I have to take my turns with the other duties'

'A Believer has many duties," Ethan said.

"I'm learning that is so" Payton looked over his shoulder and around nervously as if he feared they were being watched. He lowered his voice. "I also feel bound by duty to my sisters of the world who left us yesterday'

"They made their choice"

"For evil, many are saying in my ear this day, but Elizabeth and Hannah have no evil in their hearts:" Payton stared at Ethan's face a moment before going on. "If they did any wrong, caused any problems, it was not with wrong intent:"

"Why do you tell me this?" Ethan asked. "I have said aught against them:"

"Because she gave me a message for you before she left. And she was always a faithful sister who loved me without exception. Our mother died when I was twelve:"

Ethan shut his eyes. He wanted to walk away from this brother. He didn't want to be opened up to more pain. At the same time he longed to have Elizabeth's words in his ears. He opened his eyes and stared at the brother in front of him. He was so young with the same eagerness for the Shaker way that Ethan had known at his age.

"What is it?" Ethan forced out the question.

Again Payton glanced around. He knew eyes might be watching and ears listening. "She asked me to tell you that she hoped your pathway here was free of stones to cause you to stumble and that she was sorry if she was such a stumbling block in your path"

"She wasn't the stumbling block in my path. My own worldly desires were stones enough to trip me"

Payton looked uncomfortable. "Well, she wanted me to tell you:"

"Where did they go? Do you know?"

"I cannot say for a certainty. She spoke of going to Colton Linley." Payton looked stricken at the thought. "Sister Lettie said she spoke the same to her. I begged her not to:"

"Colton Linley?" Ethan felt ice cold at the thought of Elizabeth with another man. That had not been in his mind. He had thought to push her aside. He had worried that she might not have shelter. He had not thought of her with another. That changed everything.

"Our neighbor in the world. He has long claimed Elizabeth must be his wife, but she could never bear the thought of it. That's why we came to Harmony Hill. To escape Colton. That is why I burned our cabin with so little guilt to keep our things from his hands" Payton looked down at the ground. "I know that was wrong now"

Ethan didn't care about the burned cabin. He didn't care about anything at that moment except Elizabeth. "You mean that man who tried to carry Elizabeth from here only days ago?"

"Yea, the very one. He's a hard man who thinks only of his own wants and needs. Elizabeth's life will be misery with him:" Payton looked up, his eyes awash with tears. "I should have gone with them. Brother Micah said I shouldn't. That I risked eternal damnation if I did, but they are my sisters. So I prayed before they left and I thought I had an answer. Aristotle:"

Ethan frowned and shook his head a bit to try to make sense of Payton's words. "Aristotle?"

"Our dog"

"I remember. The one we gave the storekeeper."

"Yea. I told Elizabeth to look for him. That you had once spoken of the man's kindness in taking the dog when I was worried about Aristotle after we came to the village. I thought perhaps she might even marry him'

"He was old. Older even than Brother Issachar."

"But kind, you said. Anything would be better than her going to Colton. I only had to look into her eyes when she spoke of him to know that. And to remember the way he attacked her in our own father's grave before we came here. I should have gone and gotten my father's gun that day."

`A Shaker does not use such carnal weapons:' Ethan thought of Hawk Boyd, who had stabbed Brother Issachar with no compunction. Even if Ethan had been forewarned, he wouldn't have known how to stop it from happening any more than he knew how to stop Colton Linley from hurting Elizabeth. "We are men of peace" His words were a plea to the Eternal Father to show him a way.

"I wasn't a Shaker then. Perhaps I should not be now."

"Nay. You should follow your heart as Elizabeth did:"

He heard the echo of Brother Issachar's words in his own heart as the bell began ringing to summon the brethren and sisters from their work duties to their evening meals, each in their own houses. From long habit, Ethan turned at the sound and began walking along the way to the Centre Family House even though his thoughts were in turmoil.

Payton fell in beside him. "She doesn't follow her heart to Colton"

"You are right. It is her love for others that has made her set her feet on that path. For you. For the little sister" Ethan hesitated. "For me"

"The love of a sister," Payton said.