The Best Kind of Trouble (12 page)

I narrowed my eyes.  “What is your secret?  What are you hiding?”

For the briefest moment I saw the fear flash in his eyes.  I knew then, without a doubt, that I was right. 

Nathan had a secret, something he either couldn’t or wouldn’t let me know.  But just as soon as I saw the fear, it was gone.  A small smirk curved his lips. He leaned forward, placing a hand on the wall next to my head, and letting his lips almost brush against my ear.

“There’s no secret, doll face. I just can’t think straight around you.  I’m weak.  You make me weak.  I try to push you away, but the moment I see you moving on, I lose all rational thought. I feel like I’m going fucking crazy,” he paused and pulled away slightly, enough for me to see the vulnerable intensity shining in his eyes. 

“Why did you come over the other night?” I managed to ask.

He sighed.  “I was worried about you. We’re supposed to be friends, remember?”

“But then why—” I choked on the words.
Why did you make love to me? Why did you leave?

He cringed, understanding my thoughts without me having to speak them aloud.  “I’m so sorry Ash.  That was a mistake.  I told you, I’m so weak around you.  I can’t think straight,” he expression softened further.  “Please Ash, I’m so sorry. Don’t hate me.”

I bit my lip and looked up at him through my lashes.  “I don’t,” I swallowed hard.  “I
can’t.
”

And then his lips were on mine. Soft and sweet, but edged with hunger.  He moved in front on me, pining me against the wall and cradling my face in his hands. His mouth moved over mine, slowly, reverently. 

Like a sharp knife, I couldn’t even feel the cut.

I ripped my lips away and turned my head.  He leaned his forehead against my temple, his breath was hot and harsh against my skin.

“Go,” he commanded roughly.  His voice was dark and hoarse, so sexy my insides quivered.  “You better go, doll face.  Before I refuse to let you.”

I stood there a moment, unable to move, unable to walk away.  Finally he stepped away from me, turned around and disappeared through the thick masses.

All we do right is make love and we both know now that ain’t enough. Let’s lay down tonight and kiss tomorrow goodbye.

~Luke Bryan

I wanted to collapse on the floor and cry.  My knees actually wobbled, struggling to hold my weight. I took several deep breaths and then found Katie.

She saw my face and immediately handed me the shot that was in her hand.  I knocked it back.  And then another.  By the third my face felt decidedly numb.

Two hours later, I was dancing in the middle of the living room with everyone else.  The blond guy—Chance, I think—had wrapped his arms around my middle and pulled me against him, grinding his pelvis into my backside.

I didn’t care.  I just laughed, closed my eyes, and let the music move my body as the alcohol emptied my mind and numbed the pain in my heart.

Chance spun me around and I felt the world tilt as the alcohol in my system sloshed and threatened to come up. He pulled me against him and ran a finger down the side of my cheek while looking at me with hooded eyes.

My stomach rolled. This was not what I wanted.  Not
who
I wanted.

I spun around and practically sprinted for the door.  I had barely made it outside when my stomach heaved. I doubled over and puked into the bushes. 

How freakin’ embarrassing.

Mortified, sick, and heartbroken, I didn’t even fight Drew and Katie when they came outside and led me quietly to the car. 

I must have fallen asleep, because next thing I knew I was alone in my bed in the dark.

I rolled over and buried my head in my pillow, groaning from both the headache pounding behind my eyes and the replay of images from the night.  Deep voices from the other room had me perking up.

I distinctly heard Nathan’s low rumble and crawled from my bed, tip toeing to my door and cracking it open in order to hear better.

“Why don’t you just tell her the truth, Nate,” Drew asked.

“Keep your fucking voice down, man.  I don’t need your girlfriend knowing too,” Nate hissed back.

My eyes widened. 
I knew there was a secret.

“Relax, she’s passed out,” Drew snapped back.  There was a long pause and then I heard Drew sigh.  “I really think you should tell Ashley the truth, man.  Let her decide.”

I leaned my head against the door, desperate to hear more.  “I can’t.  She’ll hate me for sure.”

“At this point, I don’t see what you have to lose.”

This time, Nathan sighed.  I could just imagine him running his hands over his face and through his shaggy dark hair.  “It’s not that simple.  It’s fucking complicated. And—”

“Is it over?” Drew interjected.  I held my breath. 
What are they talking about? Is what over? Us?

Again, Nate sighed. “Yes,” then he paused and blew out a breath.  “No.  I don’t know.  I thought—fuck I don’t know what I thought. I’m just trying to do the right fucking thing.”

“I know man. But what’s the right thing? Being with you someone you don’t love?”

My heart squeezed painfully in my chest.
What are they talking about?

I heard Drew clap Nathan on the back and then shuffle down the hallway.  His blue eyes found mine peeking out from the crack in my door.  His eyes widened then he smirked and shook his head before disappearing into Katie’s room.

I stood there, listening, waiting for Nate to leave.  But then his heavy footfalls had me scrambling back and diving beneath the covers of my bed.  A moment later, my door creaked all the way open and then shut.

I could barely breath as I waited with my eyes shut and my back turned. Eventually, my mattress dipped down and he wrapped both arms tightly around me. Beyond confused and hurt and broken, but also—weirdly—with my stomach filled with butterflies and my heart back flipping in my chest, I didn’t move.

Nathan nuzzled the back of my head and then whispered into the darkness, “I’m sorry, baby.  I wish—”

I probably should have stayed quiet.  Enjoyed his embrace. I knew he’d be gone in the morning.  And I knew in the morning, I had to start moving on. Really moving on this time. 

Instead, I spun around, grabbed his face and kissed him hard on his full lips.  His startled gasp, allowed me to plunge my tongue into his mouth and wrap around his. I pushed myself against him. Slowly his arms tightened around me and he kissed me back, long and deep and ravenous.

I pulled away, panting.  “Tell me goodbye,” I said.  “Right now, tell me goodbye. And then walk away. You owe me that.”

I couldn’t read the expression in his eyes.  There was only a sliver of moonlight peeking through my curtains, highlighting the stubble on his jaw.

“Is that what you want?” he asked hoarsely.

“No,” I whispered honestly. “But I can’t keep doing this.”

Nate brought his hand to my face and stroked his thumb across my bottom lip reverently.  I closed my eyes and sighed. He slanted his lips across mine and for a moment, everything was suspended. Slowly, sweetly, his lips just barely brushed over mine.

And then, the inevitable tidal wave hit us. A fresh combination of lust and love, heavy with heartbreak and angst burned in our frantic kisses, the glide of his hands on my skin, the slide of our tongues, the desperate burning frenzy and passion that suddenly took over erupted, holding us captive.

We shed our clothes and came together.  And for a moment, it was perfect.  Just us.  Just the warmth of his breath in my ear, and the seamless closeness of his body against mine.

I let go, unafraid that he wouldn’t hold me together. Still in the throes of ecstasy, Nathan rolled over onto his back with me still clinging to his chest.  His large hands cupped my ass and he pulled me up until I was positioned over his face.

The first hot brush of his tongue on my still pulsing flesh had me bucking wildly against him.  I couldn’t even hold myself up, the sensations pulsing through me were so deliciously intense, so out of this world amazing.  But Nathan held me steady, devouring me, driving me near crazy until I arched my back and screamed his name.

He flipped me onto my back the instant his name fell from my lips and he pushed into me again.  I wrapped my legs around his waist, arched my back, and dug my nails into the thick muscles of his shoulders.

Sweaty and breathless, moments later he collapsed against me. I cradled his head between my breasts, softly stroking my fingers through his hair.

“I wish I knew how to let you go,” he mumbled against me.  My fingers stilled against his scalp. I waited for him to say something else, but when he didn’t I let out a slow breath and continued running my fingers through his hair.

It wasn’t long before his breathing evened out and I felt my eyes grow heavy with sleep.

I was shocked to find him still there, still wrapped around me in the morning.  Although, I noticed, we were not in the same position we’d fallen asleep in.  Our heads were on the pillows and he was snuggled up behind me, his strong arms wrapped around me like a thick rope.

And he was wearing boxers.

Joy that he hadn’t left surged through me, competing with the bright morning sunshine pouring into my room, giving everything this strange hazy glow.  Like a dream.

But my joy was short lived as I remembered all the cryptic things he’d said and the secret I knew he was hiding.  I frowned as I watched him, his face smooth and relaxed in sleep, and I wondered if I’d ever seen him without some tension crinkling his eyes and stretching his skin.

Was it football? Was it the daunting future? Was it me? Us? Or something else.
  Some dirty secret he was terrified of sharing.  My still sleep ridden mind began to conjure up all kinds of crazy scenarios.

Maybe he was involved in the mafia.  Or a gambler who owed a lot of money.  Maybe he had a secret love child or a secret life boasting cars like in Fast and Furious.  Or was involved in some illegal underground fighting ring. Was he a criminal? Maybe he was using drugs? 
Or steroids
, my mind whispered.

I furrowed my brow.  I was being crazy.  Maybe it was nothing like any of those things. Snippets from the conversation from last night replayed in my mind.

Is it over?

“Yes. No.  I don’t know.  I thought—fuck I don’t know what I thought.”

Could there be someone else? Was there another girl?

“But what’s the right thing? Being with someone you don’t love?”

My heart stopped for a beat and then sped up, pounding in my chest with renewed fervor.

That was it, right?
  That had to be it.  It had to be.  It made total sense.  I remembered wondering if he’d lied about being serious with a girl before.

A girl back home maybe, a high school sweetheart. Maybe they’d reconnected over the summer.  Maybe he had been trying to decide between us.  Maybe
I
was the dirty little secret.

My stomach churned, revolting violently at the thought.  I closed my eyes and fresh images bombarded me.  A pretty girl, gorgeous, with perfect hair and big eyes and a perfect body wrapped up in Nathan’s embrace. 

I shook my head to clear it.  But I couldn’t and my stomach churned again.  I wiggled out from his embrace and rushed to the bathroom, sure I was going to be sick with guilt and disgust.

I slumped against the tiled bathtub and cried.  I didn’t even know how long I sat there, but I didn’t get up until all the tears had been pulled from me.  I stood on shaky legs and turned on the shower, quickly jumping in and letting the scalding hot water wash away my pain.

I wish I knew how to let you go.

Well, if he couldn’t.  I would.  This was ridiculous.  I didn’t deserve to be treated this way.  I knew I was stronger than this.  He was just a guy, after all, not worth destroying myself over.

Before I got out of the shower, I felt my heart harden and my resolve strengthen. This time, this morning, Nate would be the one to wake up alone.  And I’d be the one gone.