The Best Kind of Trouble (9 page)

Blondie was bent over the sink, her skirt pushed up and Nathan—I swallowed hard—was pounding into her roughly, his fingers tangled in her short hair.  Bile rose in my throat and a pained whimper escaped my throat.

Nathan froze, his blue eyes flashed to mine in the mirror.  I couldn’t even describe the look on his face. Horror, maybe. 

I covered my mouth with my hand and turned around.  I looked up, tears blurring my vision to Daniel standing in the hallway.  His eyes took in the whole seen quickly.

“I’ll take you home,” he said quietly.  I nodded gratefully as fat tears started to slide down my face.

I didn’t look back.

But I've lost all control and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without. I just need you now.

~Lady Antebellum

By Friday night I was spitting mad. 

It had taken some time for me to get there too. To work up this level of fury. 

When I left the party, I was heartbroken.  I felt battered and bruised and I cried myself to sleep.  Sunday and Monday weren’t much better.

But slowly, after replaying every conversation, every moment I’d spent with Nathan. 

After rehashing the whole sordid scene in the bathroom, a small angry lump began to form in my chest.  As the week drew on, it turned into a raging ball of fire.

That stupid selfish son of a bitch.

He pursued me!  He was all sweet and slow and perfect.

And then, as soon as I fucking slept with him, he broke up with me.

Blathering on about being scared one minute and missing me the next.

Acting like a damn caveman when he sees me with another guy.

And then screwing the next available blonde bimbo as soon as he gets the chance.

“Asshole,” I muttered.

Katie was sitting next to me in the student union.  When she heard me, her head snapped up from her lap top where she was furiously trying to finish an assignment.

“What? Where?” she craned her neck around, looking for the source of my ire.

Fortunately for him, he wasn’t around.

“Nowhere,” I said.  “I’m just thinking.”

Katie sighed. “You still seemed really pissed.”

I snorted.  “Of course I’m pissed!”  I turned my incredulous eyes on her.  “Don’t you think I should be?”

“Or course,” Katie replied.  “But—”

“But what! He’s…ugh.  I just can’t believe him!”

“I know, I get it.  Trust me. But—” Katie paused and chewed on her lip for a moment.  “Drew says he’s a mess.  They almost lost last week because he’s been playing like shit, and—”

“And what?  That’s not my fault.  And it sure as hell isn’t my problem. He broke up with me, remember?
Because
of football!”

Katie furrowed her brow. “I know, but—”

I threw my hands out. “But what, Katie? You’re my best friend, who’s side are you one?”

“Yours, of course.  It’s just…” she sighed again before reluctantly continuing in a muted voice.  “You love him. And I think there might be more to the story.”

My anger didn’t die, instead it sparked to life even as tears blurred my vision. I swallowed hard and clenched my fists. I couldn’t answer.  I didn’t have anything to say.  I loved him.  And he said he felt something for me.  But obviously it wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough.  I wasn’t that girl for him.

I exhaled long and deep and leaned back against my chair.  In a choked voice, I whispered, “What am I going to do, Katie?”

She sighed, scooted closer to me and flung and arm around my shoulders.  “Maybe you should try to talk to him.”

Before I could give that suggestion much consideration, Daniel’s booming voice sounded from behind us.

“Hello, ladies!”

I dashed my tears away and turned around, forcing a smile on my face.  If he noticed anything was off, he didn’t show it.  Instead he spun an empty chair around and straddle it, leaning his forearms on the back and locking his eyes on me.

“Hey, l’m glad I found you,” he started.  “I know you and Nathan—”

“Are over,” I interrupted. My stomach clenched.

“Right.  And I know he’s a douchebag and he hurt you,” he continued. He sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair. 
Was he nervous?
“I really like you Ash, let me take you out again.”

I bit my lip, unsure.  Daniel was cute and seemingly nice, even if he did seem to try too hard sometimes.  I was a mess, angry and heartbroken inside.  And this cute guy was paying attention to me.

“Okay, sure,” I said.  His grin widened, revealing all his teeth. “Tonight?”

“Yeah,” he looked down at his watch.  “Actually, it’s already after five, let’s go now.  We can grab dinner and a movie.”

I looked at Katie.  She looked pensive for a moment and then shrugged. 

I drew in a calming breath and nodded.  Daniel grabbed my hand when I stood up and lead me out of the student union. I looked down and when I looked back up, I caught Nathan’s eyes glaring at me from across the courtyard.  Two slutty looking females hung off his arms.  I wrinkled my nose in disgust.

His lips thinned and he narrowed his eyes, flicking his gaze to where my hand was entwined with Daniel’s.

I paused in our walking, tugging on Daniel’s arm and causing him to stop.  He looked at me questioningly, so I stood up my tip toes, making sure to press myself against him and kissed him square on the mouth.

Daniel grinned and pulled me faster through campus.  When I looked back, Nathan was still glaring at me.  I smirked at him. 
Take that, Asshole.

~000~

The movie was boring.  I ended up making out with Daniel for most of it.  When we got back to my apartment, he pushed me against the door, crushing his mouth to mine again.

If there had been any doubt where he wanted this to go, it vanished when he slipped his hand under my shirt and pressed his hips against mine.

But I couldn’t quit thinking about that crushing feeling when I’d given myself to Nathan, and he broke up with me the next day.  I couldn’t be this reckless. Not again.

I pulled away, and tried to smile apologetically.

“Daniel?” I whispered, as he continued to kiss my throat.  “Not tonight.”

He paused and pulled back, giving me a sheepish grin.  He nodded and tucked a stray hair behind my ear.  “Go to the game with me tomorrow?”

I didn’t even question my motivation when I said yes.  Even though part of me knew it was to see Nathan.  And to rub his face in being there with Daniel.

~000~

After the game, while everyone was talking and congratulating and partying in the parking lot, I slipped back inside the stadium and into the empty locker room.

The air felt thick with steam and sweat.  Nathan’s head snapped up when he heard the door shut.  Our gazes crashed together, and for one long moment neither of us moved.

The, he strode towards me with all that arrogant confidence that had taken hold of me the first time and grabbed me.  Without hesitating, he pushed me up against the cool metal of the lockers, pushing his hips into mine. He leaned forward and cupped my head in his large warm hands, tangling his fingers in my long hair.

My breath came in short quick bursts and my heart hammered against my ribcage.  He grinned as he read my reaction.

I tried to hide it.  I didn’t want him to have this effect on me.
What the hell am I doing?

His smile faded and he leaned forward, grazing my ear with his lips.  “Too late, sweetheart. I can see it.  Feel it.”

As if to emphasize his point, he ghosted his lips along my jaw and down the column of my neck.  I shivered, and breathlessly asked, “What?”

“You miss me,” he husked.

Before I could protest he slammed his mouth against mine. And for a moment, I gave in.  His full lips pulled and pushed against mine and then his tongue darted out, licking at the seam of my lips until I opened and he stroked my tongue with his. Something about this kiss was different. Desperate in a way it had never been before. Tainted with anger and bitterness and regret.

He grabbed my hips in his hands and pressed against me.  I stiffened.

In my mind, I head his voice, scratchy with tears and regret.

I can't give you all of me right now either.

I pulled away and he reluctantly let me go with an audible sigh.

“Ashley,” he said.  I looked away. He grunted and then leaned forward.  Grabbing my chin between his thumb and forefinger, he tilted it up.  “Ashley,” he said again. 

I can't give you all of me right now either.

I swallowed hard and shook my head, surprised by my next words even as they fell from my mouth.  “He’s waiting for me.”

I had to get out of there. Before I made some huge reckless decision again.  Whatever vulnerability had been in his face before faded, as anger darkened his eyes and clenched his jaw.

He barked a laugh. “Okay, Ashley.  Go to your precious perfect boyfriend.”

I moved to leave, but he snaked an arm around my waist, pulling me hard against his chest.  I could feel the evidence of his want pressing against my belly.  He kissed me again, harder and more passionate that before, bruising my already swollen lips. He pulled back abruptly and rasped, “I miss you too.”

Then he let me go, grabbed his bag and walked out, leaving me standing there, with my hand pressed to my mouth, gasping for breath and fighting tears.

I should just breakup with him
, I thought.

I looked over at Daniel, talking animatedly with one of his frat brothers.  His arm was curled around my waist possessively.  Just as I opened my mouth to tell him we needed to talk, I caught Nathan’s eye from across the room.

Leaning against a far wall, he glared at me, his jaw rigid.

This whole thing was a fucking mess.

“Daniel,” I said, trying to wiggle out of his grasp.  “Can you take me home? I feel sick”

Daniel looked down at me and frowned. “Are you sure?”

I nodded.  He sighed, both frustrated and annoyed.  Then he looked up and locked eyes with Nathan.  His frustration quickly turned into anger as he made a noise of disgust in the back of his throat.

“Yeah okay,” he said, softening with a forced smile.  “Let’s go, baby.”

He leaned down kissed me, forcing his tongue into my mouth and crushing me against his hard chest. Before I could protest or push him away, he wrenched his lips from mine and pulled me roughly through the crowded frat house.

When we got back to my apartment, I got out of the car and slammed the car door in his face.

“Ashley!” he called, running after me.  He grabbed my arm and spun me to face him.

“No Daniel, stop,” I said, anger boiling up inside me.  I looked up into his eyes that sparked with anger.  I wrenched myself free of him and backed up two steps.

“I’m sorry, Daniel,” I said, still backing away.  “It’s…I can’t…we’re over.”

I turned and fled.  Katie and Drew were cuddled up on the couch watching a movie when I walked in.  I fell back against the door and sighed.

“God, what a fucking nightmare.”

“What’s wrong Ash?” Katie asked.

“Everything,” I said. “Nate hates me.  I just broke up with Daniel, who was being an asshole tonight. And I just—”

My throat closed and tears pricked my eyes.  Katie moved across the room and enveloped me in her arms. She didn’t say anything, just let me cry into her shoulder.

A few hours later, after I’d laid in bed trying desperately to go to sleep, my phone chirped.

I’m here. Please let me up.  We need to talk.

Nathan.  My stomach tightened.  I got out of bed and rushed to the door.  I took a deep calming breath before opening it, even as big fat butterflies assaulted my gut.

I opened the door and leaned against the door frame, head cocked, eyebrow raised, trying my hardest to act aloof and unaffected. One side of my oversized sweatshirt hung off my shoulder, revealing my skin and I watched his eyes darken.  We stared at each other for several long moments.

Without warning, he grabbed my face, pushed his hands into my hair and kissed me soundly on the mouth. I wrapped myself around him, and he carried me inside, kicking the door shut behind us.

But just as quickly as we were kissing, I pulled away, disentangling myself and I pushed him away.  I turned away from him, holding a hand to my swollen lips and cursing my weakness.

“Ash-”

“No, Nate.  We can’t…I can’t do this,” I said. 

He sighed loudly.  All of my anger and frustration spiked and I flipped around.  “Why do you keep doing this to me, Nate? You pursue me, then you push me away.  You don’t want me, but you get so jealous when I start dating someone else. And you—”

I couldn’t say it, I choked on the words even as the image of him with that girl replayed in sickening detail in my mind.

I don’t know what I said that turned his frustration into anger, but I watched it contort his face as he stalked towards me, backing me up against the wall.  He boxed me in, putting his palms flat against the wall on either side of my head.

A choked sob worked its way up my throat.  “Why Nate?”

All the fierceness in his expression crumpled, his shoulders relaxed and he leaned forward, touching his forehead to mine.

“I’m scared,” he whispered.

“Of me?”

He nodded.

I frowned. Something about that reason seemed off. Like there was more, something he wasn’t telling me.

He sighed again and bent forward, burying his face against the skin of my neck.

“Did you sleep with him?” he asked, changing the subject.

My anger spiked. “Is that what you wanted to talk about? That’s none of your business!”

He pulled back, and our eyes collided.  He cupped my cheeks, and I was powerless to move or breathe. “I know baby, but I can’t stand the thought that he had his hands on you,” he kissed me softly, a tender brush of his lips against mine, light as a feather. When he pulled back again his voice was pained. “Please, Ash, put me out of my misery.”

I should’ve told him yes. The word bubbled up inside me. It would hurt him and I wanted him to hurt like I was. My gaze traced over the lines of his face, the desperation and regret and pain that haunted his blue eyes.

I didn’t understand why he was hurting. If he wanted me so bad, why did he break up with me?

Instead of lying, I shook my head and he immediately slanted his lips over mine again.  He kissed a line down my throat and I struggled to find my voice.

“Why Nate?” 

He blew out a breath and stilled with lips hovering near my ear.  “That it won’t be enough.”

My breath caught and new tears burned my eyes.
What did that mean?  That I wouldn’t be enough?
  I suddenly felt like I was choking, tears clogged my throat.

“I don’t understand.”

Nate sighed loudly, his breath fanned out and tickled my skin.  He brought his hands up, lightly skimming my sides, smoothing over the curve of my breast and up my neck to tangle through the long strands of my hair.

When he pulled back, his eyes were alight with desire and something else.  Something that looked an awful lot like pain.  Or guilt.  Or regret.  Or a swirling combination of them all.

And then, before I could breathe or think or protest, he slammed his lips to mine.

I gasped, opening my mouth to his tongue.  He licked my lips, rubbed his tongue along mine and then pulled my lower lip between his teeth. He molded his lips to mine over and over again. And again.  Electricity shot down my spine as I felt a pull deep in my belly.

It was too much and not enough at the same time.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and when he slid his arms down and cupped my ass in his hands, lifting me and holding me to the wall, I wrapped my legs around his waist.

The hard bulge in his jeans rubbed against me and everything inside me clenched painfully.  I tore my lips from his, panting into the heated hair between us.

He pulled back enough to see my face, our lips still only inches apart.  Our gazes crashed together, locking, searching, decoding.

“Nate—” I started, my voice rough and shaky.  We shouldn’t do this.  Everything was so fucked up between us. He was scared.  And I wasn’t enough. And he was lying to me.  I tried to wiggle away, but he was too strong.

“I just want to be inside you again,” he whispered.  “I need you. Please, baby.”

I pushed him away.  This time, he let me go. 

My feet hit the floor and he stepped back, running a shaky hand through his dark hair.  My heart pounded, my legs shook.  Part of me was so amped up with desire that I had to physically hold myself back from leaping back into his arms and demanding he take me to bed. 

But my mind was spinning too fast.  My broken heart still ached, throbbing painfully in my chest.

He wanted me this way but…what about the way I wanted him?  I wanted him to be my forever.

Not enough. 

I swallowed against the lump in my throat. Before he could say anything or touch me again, I fled, shutting myself in my bedroom and locking the door. I wanted to scream and curse and break stuff.

Instead I collapsed on my bed and cried myself to sleep. Two words repeated over and over in my mind.

Not enough.