The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (12 page)

In another brain study, the inferior parietal lobe was found to be larger in men, especially on the left side. This part of the brain estimates time, judges speed, visualizes objects in 3-D (such as catching a football thrown toward you), and solves math problems. Our direction sense is influenced by this part of the brain. Men are usually better at directions. Women, because of their greater access to the right hemisphere, are better at knowing when they are lost. Women are also better at knowing when problems are present. Psychiatrists see three times the number of women as men. Not because women have more problems, but because women are more aware that a problem exists and more willing to
seek help. Women, more often than men, call marital therapists for help with a troubled marriage, and they bring their children to the child psychiatrist much more than fathers do. Seventy-five percent of the time, divorces are filed by women.

Recent research has shown that men may have a tendency to be more unrealistically optimistic. Unrealistic optimism is the belief that good things are more likely to happen to them than other people. If this way of thinking dominates a person’s thoughts about life, it can have both positive and negative consequences. On the positive side, it is associated with better mental health as people are more hopeful and optimistic even in the most difficult times. However, this can prevent people from taking preventive measures for a negative outcome.

Sensory Skills

Women are better at reading facial expressions and noticing the feelings of others. Like most mammals, they are equipped with more sensitive sensory equipment. In a study by Barbara and Allan Pease, authors of
Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps
, they found that women were dramatically better at reading emotions than men. At a maternity hospital they collected a selection of ten-second clips of crying babies and asked the mothers to watch the clips with the sound turned down. This way the mother only had the visual information. Most mothers could quickly identify a range of emotions from hunger and pain to gas and tiredness. When the fathers took the same test, their performance was awful, less than 10 percent of fathers recognizing more than two emotions. Grandmothers also faired much better than the fathers, while grandfathers often did not recognize their own grandchildren. On the other hand men have shown greater blood pressure reactivity to sexually arousing pictures than did women.

Women also have better peripheral vision than men, which is why they catch their guys looking at attractive women, but hardly ever get caught when they look at hot guys. As hunters, guys have
better long-distance tunnel vision. Men are also more adept at driving at night.

From birth, girls are dramatically more sensitive to touch, and as an adult, a woman’s skin is at least ten times more sensitive than a man’s. Women like and need to be touched more than men. In one study, a woman is four to six times more likely to touch another woman in a social situation than a man would another man. A woman’s senses of taste and smell are also more sensitive than a man’s. Men score higher on salty and bitter tastes, while women score higher on sweet and sugary tastes, which explains why there are more female chocoholics. Not only is a woman’s sense of smell better than the average male, during times of ovulation she is better at picking up male pheromones that cannot be detected consciously. The superior sensory equipment of women allows them to pick up body language, thus dishonesty, much more than men.

She Is Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

Neuropsychologist Ruben Gur of the University of Pennsylvania used brain scans to show that when a man’s brain is in a resting state, at least 70 percent of his brain is shut down. On the other hand, when women were resting, at least 90 percent of their brain was active, confirming that women are always thinking, thinking, thinking. The man wants the remote control and a little peace and quiet; she wants to talk.

In another study, when asked to think of nothing, men’s brains were more active in the more primitive physical activity centers of the brain (cerebellum), women’s brain were more active in the emotional and bonding centers of the brain (limbic system). Left to themselves, men will think about sex, their golf swing, or their jump shot; women will think about their spouse, children, or parents. One common complaint from women is that they do not feel connected to their partners. Men would do well to initiate conversations about children and parents.

As part of a national talk show on the differences between male
and female brains that I did with gender expert Michael Gurian, author of the wonderfully insightful book
What Could He Be Thinking?
, I performed brain scans on Jennifer and Brad. They had the typical couple complaints. She wanted more time, talking, and attention. She wanted Brad to help around the house and be more present with the children. He wanted more peace, quiet, and sex. He wanted to be left alone for a half hour when he got home from work. Their struggles were clearly affecting their marriage. The brain scans showed clear differences. Jennifer’s scan, as Ruben Gur’s research would suggest, showed much higher levels of activity. Brad’s scan had significantly lower levels of activity. Jennifer’s worries and overthinking in the relationship were a product of a much more active brain, while Brad’s need for rest came from his sleepy brain. A great couple activity to help balance both these states is physical exercise. For men, exercise wakes up the brain, while for women exercise enhances brain serotonin levels and calms the overactivity.

Sex Is Like Shooting Free Throws

When I counsel couples, I often say that sex is like shooting free throws, hitting a golf ball, learning how to throw a football or a curveball, or hitting a winning tennis serve. Men like sports analogies; women want their mates to pay attention. When boys learn to shoot free throws, or become skilled in any other sport, they practice over and over and over again. They repeatedly work on their technique. They spend hours at the free-throw line, figuring out what to do to improve their stats. Successful athletes have great coaches and they listen to them. They spend years perfecting their techniques and are not crushed by failure; rather they use it as an opportunity to learn. They film their performances to see how they can improve on technique and outcome.

For optimal satisfaction in the bedroom, women would do best to act like a good coach, recognizing that it may take your man some time to perfect his technique. Like a good coach, offer
encouragement, praise, and advice. Meet him for practice on a regular basis and make it a fun experience that both of you want to revisit again and again.

Unfortunately, many women have trouble asking for what they want sexually. They may tell their man once or twice, often hesitantly, but then never again bring up their wants and desires. Many women I have counseled believe that if a man doesn’t get it right the first time around, he probably doesn’t really love, care, or want to please her. Training your lover to please you sexually is an important goal for your overall health. This is especially true for women, as their longevity is associated with pleasure, not frequency. Men are often slow to pick up the needs of their partner. They do not have the same access to reading social cues as women, so need more direct communication. Men are not born knowing how to please their partners; they need to be taught, over and over, like shooting free throws. They need good coaches who help them with technique and form. And you need to be satisfied; your life may depend on it.

The same principle applies to men. Ask what pleases your partner, listen, and practice. Tell her what you like, encourage her to talk about what she likes. Talk about what you do together that makes you think about her during the day when you are apart.

Nine Common Questions

As I was writing this book, the daytime television show
The View
did a program on the male brain. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Star Jones, Meredith Vieira, and Joy Behar wanted to know why men and women were so different. My segment was on after talk-show-host Donny Deutsch, whom the girls had just roasted. They asked him how many times he had been married (which was twice), and why his marriages had failed (he didn’t know), and whether or not he cheated on his wives (no), and what his problem was (he asked if they had a shrink’s couch nearby).

Thankfully, they were easier on me. My interview covered nine
questions, which are included below (these are some of the most common questions women ask about men):

1. “Is there really a difference between a man’s and a woman’s brain?”

Gathering my composure, I said, “Huge differences, and we can prove it.” Here I pointed to a set of brain scans that we did of a couple at my clinic. “Typically, the woman’s brain is very active. Thinking, thinking, thinking, especially in the emotional part of the brain. The man’s brain, by comparison, is relatively quiet. A woman’s brain is always working and a man’s brain needs stimulation.”

Meredith Vieira chimed in, “Seems like little is happening in the male brain.”

2. “Let’s get down to specifics. Why do men think about sex all the time?”

“The part of the brain responsive to sex hormones is two and a half times larger in men than women. Men are programmed to be more responsive to sexual feelings. Plus, with the lower activity in the brain, men are looking for excitement and stimulation. What is more stimulating to think about than sex?”

3. “You say there is a way you can tell which men have more testosterone than others. How?”

“According to University of Liverpool researcher John Manning, the size of your ring fingers and genitals are directly related to how much testosterone you received in the womb; the higher the testosterone level, the longer they are. In fact, looking at the length of ring fingers in comparison to index fingers will give an idea of the size of a man’s penis. If the ring fingers are longer, it means that there were healthy testosterone levels; if they are the same size or smaller, it means that there were lowered levels. Women can estimate the length of a man’s penis by saying, ‘Show
me your hands.’ Those who have unusually long ring fingers (indicating very high testosterone levels) are at greater risk for autism, dyslexia, stuttering, and immune dysfunction. A large male member may not be all that great. On the other hand, a male with an unusually short ring finger is at higher risk for heart disease and infertility. Size matters, but it can go both ways.”

4. “Why don’t men need foreplay like women do?”

“Men are always ready for excitement. With the lower activity levels in our brain, and higher testosterone levels, it takes little to get us going. Like Harrison Ford’s character Quinn Harris said in the movie
Six Days, Seven Nights
, ‘All women have to do is show up.’ We are always idling, waiting to be taken for a ride. Women, on the other hand, have so much going on in their brains that they need to be soothed, courted, and encouraged to be in the mood. They need a method to calm down their brains.”

5. “Why don’t men ask for directions when they are lost?”

“Men do not know that they are lost, even if they have passed the same gas station four times. Men have less access to the right hemisphere, which shows the big picture. The right hemisphere allows people to know when a problem exists. Since men have less access, they are often in the dark when something is wrong. It happens in many other situations besides driving, such as admitting that there is trouble in a relationship (75 percent of the time women are the ones who file for divorce or leave a relationship). Men are also singularly focused on finding their way. Admitting that you are lost is admitting failure, something men are very poor at doing.”

6. “Why don’t men gossip?”

“Men do gossip, just not as much as women. Men have language exclusively on the left side of the brain, while women have language on both sides. Women have more to say because more areas
of the brain are dedicated to language. Men are also more interested in sports than in emotional relationships. Sport talk shows are very popular sources of gossip for men. In conversations, men often get lost in the amount of words used by women. When it comes to parenting, using fewer words is actually helpful. As a child psychiatrist, I have seen that children usually listen to their fathers more often than their mothers. In large part, it is because men use fewer words than women and they are more serious about consequences to negative behavior. Mothers want children to understand, they want to be relational with them; fathers want children to comply, like listening to the coach during a ball game.”

7. “Why can’t a man let go of the remote control?”

“With the lower overall brain function, a man needs more stimulation. As he flips through channels, he is often looking for something new, something different, something exciting. A woman is often content watching a single program, with a relational story line where characters show emotions. She likes to predict what will happen next and needs the continuity to stay interested. The remote control allows a man to surf the wild looking for fair game. Men also have shorter attention spans than women. Men are diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) five times more than women.”

8. “A recent survey came out and it said that men lie more than women, but that women are actually better liars. Why is that?”

“Given the lower brain function, especially in the front part of the brain (also associated with the higher incidence of ADHD), men tend to be more impulsive than women. They tend to have more affairs and tend to say things without fully thinking it through and often find themselves in hot water. Women also lie, but they get caught less. One reason, as I mentioned earlier, is that women have better access to the right hemisphere and thus read social
cues better than men. They notice the small things, like looking away or down or clearing your throat, that are typical in people who are not telling the truth. Since men tend to be in denial a lot of the time, they do not see when their partner is lying.”