Cradling her face in his hands, he lowered his eyebrows and smiled. “You have a lifetime of your own choices ahead of you. I hope you make better ones than I have. Besides, I’ll only be twenty-seven in January. By turning myself in, my sentence might be lessened. Who knows? I might only get a few years.” He shrugged and let go of her face.
That’s when she remembered all the reports she had listened to about Eric and Evelyn and Steve. “Don’t you know they’re trying to blame everything on you? If you turn yourself in, you could be in prison longer than they are!”
“Not if you testify against them.”
A tremor rolled through her body. “But I couldn’t do that to them. I know I should. My mom said I might be forced to, but I care about them, Jesse. I don’t know why, but I do.”
“No you don’t.” He gave her an angry stare. “They deserve everything coming to them. They hurt you—and me. Even though I know everything has stemmed from my decisions, they made their decisions too. Evelyn included.”
“What do you mean? Evelyn never did anything wrong.”
“Evelyn made a choice, Naomi. Like you, she submitted to Eric’s power and stayed there. She knew what she was doing was wrong. I believe it was eating away at her, but she never fought it. None of us did until you tried to get away. I think seeing how much Eric hurt you when you tried to leave helped me realize how wrong it was to keep you. That was when I knew I had to let you go.” He lowered his eyes. “I realized how unhappy I would be if I kept you, even if you wanted me to. I love you, Naomi. I could never hurt you that way. I’m sorry I left you so suddenly in front of the police station, and I’m sorry I didn’t try to make it easier for you. I had to do it that way or I never would have been able to follow through with it.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve never been as lonely in my life as I have been these last four months. Trust me, I want to stay with you more than anything in the world, but this is how things have to be. I have to fix what I’ve done wrong. I know you’ve forgiven me for the horrible things I’ve done, but I still feel like I need to keep apologizing.”
“For what?”
“For keeping you, for being such a sick creep at first and for letting you fall in love with me, for leaving you the way I did. I’ve hurt you, but you still love me. That means the world to me.”
She was still trying to control the fantastic pace of her heart. She was caught in a whirlwind. She felt like she might blow away any second.
“I’m going to stay here with you for a little while,” he said, squeezing her to his chest. “Then I have to leave.”
She looked into his eyes and saw pain swirling in them—like the water being tugged back into the ocean, reluctant, inevitable.
“Okay,” she whispered, her mouth dry. She nodded behind her shoulder to where she had left her camera bag. “Let’s head back there.”
They walked hand in hand, their footsteps leaving deep marks in the sand. She thought the warmth felt good on her heels and toes, but Jesse’s warmth was even better, closed around her hand, gripping her fingers tighter. She knew he didn’t want to let go, but he had made his decision.
“Did you get any good shots?” he asked quietly as she kneeled down by her bag.
She unzipped the main compartment of the bag, pulled the camera from around her neck, and slipped it inside. She would get it back out to take a picture of him later. She had to have a picture, at least. “No. The day is too perfect.”
“Too perfect?” he laughed.
She stared at the orange lying nearby. “Sorry, that probably doesn’t make sense. I mean there’s nothing interesting in the sky. Sure, the color is pretty, but it’s boring.”
“Ah.” He sat next to her. She tensed as he turned to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. It could be the last time he would ever hold her. “You want clouds and rain and turmoil. Some sort of resistance. That’s what makes things interesting for you, isn’t it? I read through your journal. I hope that’s okay.”
She blushed and looked down. “Yeah, I thought you might.”
“I think I cried through the whole thing. I had no idea the things you were going through. Those dreams about the dragons and the fire, all those memories of your mother you didn’t remember until we took you.” He smiled. “Then me. You talked a lot about me. The way you said things—it really touched me, Naomi.”
She looked up. “You mean everything to me.”
“I discovered that. I think for a long time I took it for granted and I’m sorry. Do you want the journal back? It’s in my car, but I can go get it.”
She was silent for a moment, her mind reeling with thoughts of him reading her words and connecting with her like that. It felt intimate in a way she had never experienced. At one point, she had thought the journal was filled with avoidance, but now she saw the truth. It was filled with the most complete honesty she had ever let herself experience.
“I think it might be best if you turn it into the police,” she said. “I think it might help your case.”
He nodded.
“Jesse?” she whispered, looking into his face once again. His skin was paler than normal.
“Yes?”
“Where have you been? I asked your father, but he wouldn’t tell me.”
“I know. I met with him yesterday. He told me about your stopping by.”
“Oh.”
“No, it’s a good thing. I’ve always wanted you to meet him. Things are better this way. I can see it will hurt you at first, and I’m sorry for that, but in the long run it will be better.”
“I know.”
He turned to look at the ocean. “I’ve been staying with friends, people who know how to ...well, they’re not the best people to be acquainted with unless you’re trying to hide from the FBI.”
For a second she shrank away from him. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked, turning to look at the ocean too.
He nodded. “Yes, I’m positive. How many times do I have to tell you that?”
“I guess a lot.”
“Listen, Naomi. I know you still care about them—Evelyn, and maybe even the others. I guess that’s alright, but you’ll need to tell the truth when you’re called to testify, even the truth about me. You can’t lie.”
She tensed. “Do you think I’ll be forced to testify against them? Against you?”
“Maybe. When I turn myself in, things will change. Everything will progress faster. I’m willing to tell the authorities anything they need to know, and I’ll need your help in letting them see the whole story, even if it incriminates me more than I’d like.” He looked away. “It probably will, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to redeem myself and be with you again. If you still want to be with me after all that time.” Then, more quickly, “I would understand if you didn’t. It might be a long time.”
“Oh,” she whispered, unsure of what else to say.
“They’re not going to prison for murder, Naomi. Their sentence and my sentence won’t be for life. If you don’t feel they seriously hurt you, then say so. I’m not going to tell you to try to hurt them. You need to do what’s best for your heart, your conscience.”
She shook her head, almost choking on her confusion. He pressed a finger against her lips and made a shushing sound. “You don’t have to decide right now, okay?”
Wrapping her in his arms, he lowered her to the sand and kissed her.
XXXIV
MINDY KEPT THE BOWL OF ORANGES WELL-stocked. Naomi ate one nearly every morning, but only because her father woke up earlier than she did and peeled one for her. Nobody knew about Jesse visiting her. She was holding her breath waiting to hear about him on the news. Five long days later—nothing. What was taking him so long?
She rested her chin in her hand and scraped a fingernail across the toast on her plate. Her mind filled with thoughts of sugar and cinnamon, but she couldn’t ask her father for such a thing. It reminded her too much of Eric. He turned around from the stove and gave her a smile.
“What’s that by your plate?” he asked.
Swallowing, she shifted across the bar stool and looked down at the letter. “It’s from Harvard. I opened it this morning.”
“Oh?”
He stepped over to the counter, a spatula in one hand, an un-cracked egg in another. He really liked eggs. Even though Mindy was around on weekdays, he had been cooking them every morning for the past week—like Eric had. They were just as good, though not as fluffy and delicately salted. Eric had made them just right.
He was slowly disappearing from her heart. Thinking about him and Evelyn and Steve didn’t make her cry anymore, but she ached for all of them more often than she wanted to admit. She knew she would see them again, whether in the courtroom or somewhere else in a time and space very different from now.
She stared at the envelope, knowing there was no way out of this one. Why had she brought it downstairs? “They wrote me again to tell me I’m still accepted and I’ve got a scholarship. I don’t know why.”
“You don’t know why you’ve been accepted and have a scholarship, or why they wrote you again?”
“Both.”
Clearing his throat, he leaned across the counter and looked her in the eyes. “They wrote you again because of a call from your mother, and they’ve given you a scholarship because you’re smart and have amazing potential, of course.” He turned around and grabbed the skillet from the stove. “Here are your eggs.” He slid a small pile onto her plate. “Have you decided, then?”
Her heart beat faster. “I have no idea, Dad.”
She was half hoping he would beg her to go. That’s what her mother would do as soon as she saw the letter.
Leaving her eggs untouched, she slid from the stool. “I’m not hungry. I’m sorry.”
His face fell. He followed her gaze out the doors and raised an eyebrow. “Another walk on the beach? That’s all you’ve done for the past five days. Why don’t you wait for your mother?”
“No.” She stared out at the ocean and held her breath. Maybe he would be out there today. He hadn’t turned himself in yet.
“I have to get to the office,” her father sighed, looking at his watch. “Try to eat something before your walk, alright? Don’t head out too far.”
She frowned. “I’m sorry you made me breakfast. I’m sorry I’m not very happy right now.”
“It’s alright.” He removed his apron and stepped around the counter to give her a kiss on the cheek. “No matter what choices you make, Naomi, your mom and I are here for you. We love you.”
“I know.”
THE SKY was intensely clear and blue. Closing the dining room doors behind her, she headed down the grass-lined paths, camera around her neck. She had to find some tide pools, something to get her mind off things. Her steps grew quick and determined.
There weren’t any tide pools near the house. They were clustered miles up the beach where craggy rocks jutted into the water. A faint voice called out from behind.
“Naomi!”
Spinning around, she saw her mother jogging from the house, dressed in capris and a loose, white shirt. Her hair, once pulled into a slack bun, was falling around her face.
“Naomi, wait!”
She looked frantic, red-faced and breathing heavily as she finally reached Naomi, who stood watching her with raised eyebrows. Stopping, she swept back the hair from her face and let out a heavy sigh. “Thanks for waiting. You were walking so fast, I didn’t think you’d hear me.” She relaxed her face and straightened her shoulders. “Do you mind if I walk with you?”
Lowering her eyebrows, Naomi glanced at an orange in her mother’s hand. She shook her head. “I was just going to take some pictures. Are you sure?”
“I’d love to see what you do.”
With a shrug, she turned around. “Alright.”
They headed up the beach, silent until Karen cleared her throat. “I saw your letter on the counter.”
“Oh.”
“Are you still accepted?”
The air felt cold. “Um, yeah.” She stopped walking. “What should I do, Mom?”
“Whatever you want.”
Naomi studied her face. She was beautiful beneath the blue sky. Her hair shimmered and her eyes sparkled. Naomi had never seen them so bright before. There was trust between them now, but it was still fragile.
“Don’t you want me to go?”
Brushing back more hair from her forehead, Karen smiled. “I think it’s a great opportunity. Not everybody gets accepted to a school like that.”
She stared down at the sand and ran her fingers over the body of her camera. Her choice. Her life. It sounded so simple, but there were so many
ifs.
What if she hated the school? What if she was too scared to live on her own? What if ....
“I came out to tell you I saw something on the news this morning.”
Her heart nearly stopped. “You did?”
“Jesse turned himself in.”
“I-I—”
Karen’s eyes widened. “You knew, didn’t you?”
“I saw him on Saturday.”
A few stutters, then Karen seemed to comprehend something. “So you talked him into it?”
“No! He’d already made up his mind. I told you before—he’s a good man.”
“Relatively speaking.”
“No, Mom. He
is.
”
Silence. They both stared down at the orange in Karen’s hands and then turned to start up the beach again, walking quietly for several minutes until Naomi took a deep breath, her heart beating in time with their footsteps.