My eyes widened. The closet was bigger than any I had ever seen, and filled from end to end with lush sweaters, shimmering tops, silky skirts. The shoes alone were enough to send a girl reeling—even a girl who had never been all that big on fashion. Now I wondered if that had been by choice, or if I was actually a closet clothes hound who just never had the money to feed her habit.
“I think you’re a summer,” Kiran said, finger to chin as she studied her wardrobe. “That means blues, grays, silvers. Oooh. I have an idea.” She rubbed her hands together, then dove in, pulling clothes out and hooking the hangers over her fingers. Once she’d gathered half a dozen items, she walked over to her bed and started laying them out.
“She thinks
I’m
a genius; wait till you see her at work,” Taylor said quietly. “I always wished I was good with colors, but it’s very rare to have both academic and artistic genius. Of course, there was Leonardo DaVinci, Benjamin Franklin—”
“Taylor,” Noelle snapped.
Taylor reddened and pressed her lips together.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“We are giving your wardrobe a makeover,” Noelle said.
“You have gorgeous features, you know,” Kiran said. “You need to learn to play them up.”
I flushed as I watched her pull items from her closet. Suddenly this felt a lot like charity. “I’ve never been big on fashion.”
Kiran snorted. “We noticed.”
“You don’t
have
to take anything,” Ariana said, sitting on the end of Kiran’s bed. “But just try some things on. You might like them. You never know.”
I was touched by their offer even as I felt chagrined by the suggestion that I needed help.
Kiran placed a pair of gray pants below a blue ballet-neck sweater. A silver skirt was topped by a white short-sleeved turtleneck. She placed a few more outfits, then clucked her tongue and moved it all around.
“Here. Try this,” she said, shoving an aqua shell at me with a gray skirt. The fabric of the shell was softer than anything I had ever touched.
“Okay. Be right back,” I said, turning toward the bathroom.
“Aw, she’s shy,” Kiran teased.
“What?” I said.
“Just change,” Noelle said, impatiently. “You don’t have anything we haven’t seen before. At least I hope you don’t.”
I glanced at Taylor, who smiled encouragingly. Ariana simply stared with those eerie blue eyes. Feeling beyond self-conscious, I laid the clothes over Taylor’s desk chair, then unhooked my jeans and stepped out of them. The Billings Girls watched my every move. It wasn’t as if I had never changed in front of girls before, but I’d never had four people staring blatantly at me while I did it. I turned my back to them as I pulled off my T-shirt and quickly yanked on the shell. Even in my tense state I couldn’t help but notice how amazing the buttery softness felt against my skin. Then I stepped
into the skirt, the satin lining swishing coolly up my legs. I fastened it quickly around my waist, covering up my cotton underpants as fast as possible.
I zipped the skirt and turned around, flushed and hot. I lifted my hair out and let it fall down my back. “What do you think?”
Everyone studied me. I tried to remember whether or not I had put deodorant on that morning. How embarrassing would it be if I handed back Kiran’s clothes and they were thick with BO?
Ever so slowly, Noelle smiled. “I think there’s hope for you yet.”
“Go look in the mirror,” Ariana said.
I stepped over to the full-length mirror in the corner and grinned at my reflection. It was a totally new Reed. I looked older. I looked like I had curves. I looked
good.
If I could show up for lunch with Thomas’s parents wearing something like this, they might even think that I was good enough for their son.
“I can borrow these?” I said as Kiran stepped over with another outfit.
“Borrow? You can have them,” Kiran said.
My jaw dropped. “What?”
“Please. I get new stuff shipped in every week from Milan . . . New York . . . Paris,” she said. “It’s not like it’s a big deal.”
“Thank you so much!” I trilled. “This is exactly what I needed!”
“For what?” Ariana asked shrewdly.
I felt something sink inside of me and looked back at my reflection. “For my wardrobe,” I answered cagily. “You guys know I have nothing this nice.”
“Thus the reason you’re here,” Noelle said, rolling her eyes. “Let’s get on with it already.”
Kiran handed me the next outfit, even more amazing than the last, and I hid a pleased smile as I turned my back to the girls once again. Who cared anymore whether they had tricked me into getting that test for no reason? This was worth every last minute of torture. This made
all
of it worthwhile.
My heart pounded as Mr. Barber handed back our most recent quiz. It was the first test I had taken using Taylor’s new study method, and although I had felt like I knew all the answers when I was filling them in, I was still tense. I had to do well on this. Later in the day I’d be getting back more grades, and I felt like whatever I had scored on this one would set the tone for the rest of my classes. If all did not go well, my days were numbered. I thought of Billings and my afternoon with the girls. I thought of Thomas. I thought of all the things I would lose if I had somehow screwed this up.
Then I thought of my mother. Of the gray walls of Croton High. Of the nothingness I would have to go back to.
I could not go back.
I stared at the cover of my notebook as Barber walked up and down the aisles, using every ounce of willpower I had in me not to mark his progress.
And then his shadow fell across my desk. I held my breath.
“Miss Brennan,” he said.
I looked up. He was glaring down at the stapled pages in consternation. He flicked his gaze at me.
“Much improved,” he said.
My heart leapt as he placed the test face down on my desk. I fumbled with the pages and finally turned it over. There was a big, fat A right next to my name.
“Wow. Go you,” Constance said, leaning over.
I beamed, tingling with triumph. This was going to be a very good day.
“I aced it!
All
of it. Taylor, you saved my life.”
Taylor’s face shone with pride. We were on our way to dinner and a cool wind had kicked up, pulling the first yellow leaves from the trees. It sent Taylor’s golden curls dancing around her cheeks. “Really? You aced
all
of it?”
“Well, not art history,” I said. “I only got a B on that test. But I still think it was totally unfair.”
“But a B is great, Reed! You did it,” Taylor said, grabbing me up in a hug.
“Not without you, I couldn’t have,” I told her, grinning. “I’m so relieved, you have no idea. I mean, after my last meeting with Naylor I really thought I was out of here.”
“Have you told Thomas yet?”
My heart thumped. Apparently I hadn’t been that great at keeping the depth of my relationship with Thomas a secret. Of course, from the look of excitement on Taylor’s face she didn’t seem to mind as much as, say, Noelle might have.
“Not yet,” I said, my throat dry. “I haven’t seen him.”
“Well, come on. He’s always lurking around the cafeteria before dinner. Let’s tell him,” Taylor said, grabbing my hand.
I laughed as she pulled me across the quad. I felt weightless and free. I couldn’t stop smiling.
Thomas wasn’t near the door as he sometimes was, but this didn’t deter Taylor. She walked me right around the north side of the building and there he was, surrounded by his usual posse . . .
. . . handing over a small bag containing half a dozen white pills. Taking a crisp, folded bill and slipping it into his pocket.
I stopped in my tracks. The ground tilted beneath me. I broke out into a cold sweat and all of the sudden I understood everything.
Thomas was dealing drugs? Thomas was dealing drugs. Right there in front of me. Right there in front of everyone. This was why he was so popular. So powerful. This was why he was always surrounded by students. They weren’t his friends. They were his clients.
“Oh, shit,” Thomas said, seeing my face.
I turned around, flinging Taylor’s hand from my arm, and ran.
“Reed! Wait!” Thomas shouted. “I’ll catch up with you guys later,” I heard him add to his clientele.
I flew around the corner and jogged off. Away from the cafeteria. Away from them all. Where I was going, I had no idea. I just had to go.
“Reed!”
Thomas grabbed my arm. I snatched it away.
“What’s the big deal?” he said.
I whirled on him. “What’s the big deal? Are you kidding me?”
He knew about my mother. Knew she took pills and knew what they did to her. What she did to me. How could he stand there and say this wasn’t a big deal?
Taylor hovered behind him, uncertain. She held the fingers of one hand with the fingertips of the other and tried not to stare.
“What?” Thomas said, having the gall to smile. “Someone has to supply this stuff. It’s just a way to make some spending money. Chill out.”
Like he needed a way to make some spending money. His watch was worth more than my car.
“Okay, Thomas, if it’s not a big deal, then why didn’t you tell me?” I asked him.
“Maybe because I knew you’d freak out,” he said, his expression darkening. “You’re so good, Reed. I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t.”
“Well, lying is really going to help your case there,” I said. Suddenly I realized this wasn’t the only thing he had lied to me about. “Your phone. The cell phone that you lost that you were so worried about. It’s not your parents’ phone, is it?”
His jaw clenched.
“No. It’s not.”
My heart felt like it was going to beat itself to death. “It’s the phone they call you on, right? Your
clients
? And, what? Your suppliers, too? Is that why you were so freaked?”
His face said it all. “They’re not the nicest people in the world, Reed. They have to be able to get hold of me.”
“God, Thomas. What are you going to tell me next? That all the crap about your parents was made up too?” I asked.
“No. It’s not,” he said. “Reed, I wouldn’t lie to you about that. I wouldn’t lie to you about the important stuff.”
Because being a drug dealer was not important.
“I have to go.” I started to walk again. He grabbed me again. “Let go of me, Thomas.”
He stepped around me. Looked into my eyes. Somehow it hurt even more when he did that. He reached for my arms and I let him touch me.
“Reed, come on. You’re not mad,” he said, his palms cupping my upper arms. His hands were warm. “You’re not. You love me, right? If you love me, you have to love everything about me.”
I swallowed hard. I had never told him I loved him. He was standing there, in this awful moment, putting important words in my mouth. Throwing them around as a means to an end. How could he do this to me? I had given myself to him. Given him all of me. And he had been lying to me the entire time. Who the hell was this person? “Thomas—“
“What? You’re not . . .,” he scoffed, stepping backward. “You’re not breaking up with me over this.”
I looked at him, feeling desperate. Feeling used and dirty and stupid and wrong. I just wanted to get away from him. I just wanted to get away and think.
“I don’t know,” I said.
The defiance was gone instantly. I swear I saw fear in his eyes. “Reed, no. Please. You can’t leave me. You . . . you love me.”
“Thomas—“
“Reed, please,” he said.
That almost sucked me in. The begging.
“I . . . I need some time,” I told him.
“No,” he said, clutching my hand, keeping me in place.
“Thomas, please,” I said. “Let me go.”
He searched my eyes. I made myself hold steady. Finally he released his grip, pulling both his hands back as if he were under arrest. Then he put them behind his head for a second and bit his lip. He was trying to think of something to say. He looked like he was about to cry. I couldn’t take it anymore. I stepped around him and took off for Bradwell.
“Reed! Reed! Where are you going?” Taylor called, running to catch up with me. “Did you know about this?” I demanded, realizing she had known exactly where to find him.
“Well, yeah,” Taylor said with a shrug. “He supplies everyone in Billings. How could you not know that?”
I tasted bile in the back of my throat. I was going to be sick. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t know anything. I
was
a naive, ridiculous, newbie sophomore.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I have to go,” I told her. Then I took off, sprinting into the oncoming darkness.
This time, I was wide awake, obsessing about Thomas, when my cell phone beeped. I had silenced the ringer hours ago after the twentieth angrily pleading message from Thomas, but had neglected to do the same with the text alert. I picked the phone up slowly and stared at the message.
MEET BEHIND BILLINGS. U HAVE 3 MINS.
I lay there for a long moment. I was not in the mood. Not after Thomas. Not after Taylor’s blithe dismissal of his dealings. Not now that I knew what I knew. I was in no mood to do anything for anyone. To trust anyone in the slightest. I was in no mood to move.
My pulse raced. I stared at the ceiling. I could ignore them. I could. I was my own person with my own thoughts and feelings. I would be fine.
Except that I wouldn’t. If I ignored them, I would have nothing. No Thomas. No Billings. Nothing. If I ignored them, I’d be just another nameless, faceless, struggling sophomore like Constance. I would always be the Reed Brennan who had arrived at this school
all awkward and alone and clueless. I had come a long way since then. Could I really go back?
The phone beeped again. I checked the screen.
TWO MINS.
I whipped my covers aside, got dressed, and forced myself to walk at a leisurely pace all the way down the stairs, out the door, and over to the far side of Billings. I was so full of anger that my jaw hurt from clenching it and a headache had started to throb against my temples. Behind Billings, Noelle, Ariana, Kiran, and Taylor all waited. The night was cool, and they were all bundled into lush sweaters and jackets.