The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction (12 page)

Reference:
telegraph.co.uk
,
weirdasianews.com
,

asylum.com
,
news.ninemsn.com.au

 

“What a pre’dic’ament!”

“Wholly embarrassing.”

“A man from the country that invented the Chinese Finger Trap should have been able to figure out how to release his piece, ya think?”

“Apparently this man has never heard of Vaseline.”

“Talk about a ‘Man of Steel’!”

“Polishing the bench.”

“That’s what happens when you the use services of a ‘cheap ho.’”

 

 

5 JANUARY 2010, SOUTHAMPTON, UK | Oh dear. Yet another man has got his hoohaw stuck in a pipe, taking many precise maneuvers with a blowtorch and metal grinder to cut him loose from the steel—might as well say it—Iron Maiden. All told, seven firefighters and medics were involved in the delicate operation. “The crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting,” said a tongue-in-cheek spokesman for Hampshire Fire and Rescue.

 

Reference:
The Sun, Daily Telegraph

 

 

2009 | I am a nurse on a busy surgical unit. I received a report that a young patient was arriving with severe lacerations to his unmentionables. Try as I might, I could not imagine what this poor lad had done to injure himself.

The twenty-one-year-old patient confided to me that, upset by his girlfriend’s unwillingness to have intimate relations, he had romanced a flower vase! Alas, in the heat of the moment, the bud vase shattered, lacerating his penis. He required emergency surgery.

Afterward, the urologist told us that the boy would require a catheter for weeks, and he was unsure if his mojo would be functional. I felt sorry for the kid . . . but did laugh when I saw his girlfriend walking down the hall, bringing flowers!

Reference: A Nurse who wishes to remain anonymous

 

“A new technique for Kenny . . . !” (This
Southpark
cartoon character frequently dies in freak masturbation accidents.)

 

 

 

MARCH 2007 | The most grateful patient I ever treated had found true love with a household vacuum. He presented to me with a very swollen and sorry-for-itself penis, and it was obvious that the member had been somewhere it shouldn’t be. I confronted him, and he denied the truth (wouldn’t you?) until I told him I had a foolproof cure to prevent recurrent damage. He brightened up.

“Make sure to attach a cardboard toilet-paper roll to the end of the suction first, so you can soak the roll off your happy peewee if it becomes necessary.” He was most grateful for the advice.

APRIL 2008 | Our hero sought my urgent professional attention after an accident involving a car and his motorbike, on his way to a Saturday night party. He had sustained a compound broken femur. The management of this life-threatening condition was hampered by his refusal to have his black leather trousers cut off. In fact, we argued with him for ten minutes trying to access his common sense and get his consent, while doing other necessary things to help him medically, of course. As it turned out, it wasn’t the expense of the leather trousers with which he was so preoccupied . . . It was our imminent discovery of the large cucumber in his underwear! Mom always warned us, “Wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a car.” Here’s a new one for Mom to worry about. This gambit is far from unusual. In the rougher parts of outer Sydney no one would want to be reincarnated as a cucumber because . . . well...!

SEPTEMBER 2008 |
Daily Telegraph
reported that a small fish had found its way into the urethra of a fourteen-year-old boy. The patient was admitted to the hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling, and urinary retention. Floundering for a rationale for his predicament, the boy’s dubious account was that he was cleaning the fish tank in his house and was holding a fish in his hand when he needed to use the toilet. While he was passing urine, the two-cm fish supposedly slipped from his hand and entered his urethra, say Drs. Vezhaventhan and Jeyaraman, who wrote a paper on the unfortunate fish and boy.