The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction (28 page)

Read The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Online

Authors: Wendy Northcutt

He did not believe his comrade would be so stupid as to proceed.
He died within minutes from internal hemorrhage. Even if he had been goofing off in a hospital corridor, he would not have survived: Several meters of his colon and intestines had ruptured.
The employee was posthumously found to have broken internal (heh) company regulations. His “scientific collaborator” stated that he did not believe his comrade would be so stupid as to proceed and thought he was only goofing off.
 
Reference: Florin Ungureanu, who says it wasn’t covered in the media
because it happened during Communist times
 
Fun fact:
In powdered form, aluminum catches fire quickly when exposed to a flame.
INDUSTRIAL SCIENCE
Aluminum is a very important metal in modern society. The main natural source of aluminum is aluminum oxide, Al
2
O
3
, a very stable compound. You can’t extract the aluminum just by heating the oxide—you need more energy.
 
The Electrolytic Process
A method of smelting aluminium was discovered in 1886 by Charles Martin Hall, a twenty-one-year-old college student. The aluminum oxide is melted, and forms ions of aluminum and oxygen. A positive and a negative electrode are immersed in the molten liquid, and electrical current (a flow of electrons) flows out of the cathode. Positively charged aluminum ions pick up negatively charged electrons and deposit on the cathode as pure aluminum metal, while oxygen gas combines with the anode to form carbon dioxide gas.
The melting point of aluminum oxide is more than 2,000°C. Modern smelters save energy by dissolving a small amount of aluminum oxide in cryolite (Na
3
AlF
6
)which melts at a much lower temperature, closer to 1,000°C. An electrical current is passed through this molten mixture and, as described above, aluminum ions combine with electrons to form liquid aluminum metal that is siphoned from the bottom of the tank. The oxygen ions combine with carbon from the anode to form carbon dioxide, CO
2
(which is much safer than O
2
).
Merits Discussion: Saw It Coming!
Confirmed—Or Is It?
Featuring electricity, alcohol, and a chainsaw!
 
 
27 JUNE 2009, NEW YORK | A severe storm damaged power lines and left seventeen thousand homes without electricity. Mieczysław M., sixty-four, was one of the affected parties. His power line serviced only seventeen homes and therefore was one of the last to be repaired. Seven hours after the line fell, the disgruntled man finally lost his patience.
The old man had been shooed away repeatedly by firefighters who were guarding the power line. “Police and firefighters literally chased him away, did everything [they] could,” said the Sullivan County commissioner of public safety. But they were not prepared for the homeowner’s sudden bold move.
Mieczysław emerged from his home shortly after midnight with an industrial power saw in his hands and plastic bags on his feet. He stood in a puddle of water and attempted to saw through a 4,800-volt feeder line that was dangling off the pole. One thing led to another, and soon he was on intimate terms with the hissing and buzzing live wire. While emergency responders waited for utility workers to shut down the power, Mieczysław was busy dancing his way to death’s door.
The story says it all. The old coot was repeatedly shooed away from the power line but insisted on cutting it while standing in a puddle, and now he is safely out of the gene pool. Thanks for doing our species a favor, Mieczysław!
Reference: Middletown
Times Herald-Record
, YWN Sullivan County News Team,
Mid-Hudson News Network, and an anonymous NYSEG employee
MERITS DEBATED!
News reports spelled his name Mieczyskaw, but that name is not listed in the Social Security Death Database. There is an obituary for Mieczyslaw M. (note spelling difference) at
findagrave.com
, stating that he died—not in 2009—but in 2008. Ultimately we concluded that the man did indeed exist, at least before his feud with the power line. This common Polish surname is difficult to spell correctly, and the discrepancy at
findagrave.com
is likely due to the fact that contributors submit unverified new listings.
Still, things are not adding up. Industrial saws require power, but the power was out! Was it a gas-powered or cordless circular saw? Besides, a fallen line doesn’t just sit there hissing for seven hours; a fuse blows or is pulled at the site by the utility company. And why would anyone take a saw to a downed electric line? This certainly will not restore power. If the old guy was mental, he would be disqualified based on Rule #4: Maturity.
A polish reader suspects he was displaying a national trait: a perverted sense of justice. “Fair” is when everyone is doing equally badly, so perhaps he saw fit to deprive the
whole area
of electricity since his house still lacked it.
The merits of this nomination are still being debated:
At-Risk Survivor: A Drilliant Idea
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring spray paint, fire, and a drill
 
 
13 JUNE 2009, WASHINGTON | A Spokane man with a spray paint can learned the wrong way to get around a clogged nozzle. Fire officials say the man used a cordless drill to penetrate the pressurized can. The contents spewed out of the hole, and a small spark from the drill ignited a flash fire. The man’s face was seriously burned, but he was treated at the Deaconess Medical Center and lived to spray another day.
Reference:
The Spokesman-Review
TAG! YOU’RE IT.
In 2002 another paint-bespattered person met Mr. Darwin. An electric train roof was suffering from a bad case of the flames. After fire crews extinguished the blaze, they found a puzzling lump of charcoal. Was it involved in the fire? The answer: Yes, and rather intimately. Hours before the blaze, this lump had walked right past high voltage warning signs, surmounted fences, and climbed onto the roof of a train to spray-paint his graffiti masterpiece. When he finished, he stood and raised his arms in triumph—and touched the 15,000-volt main power line. The electrical current permanently revoked his artistic license and incinerated the flammable wet paint of his final masterpiece.
At-Risk Survivor: It’s the Cure That’ll Kill You
Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness
Featuring women, a snake, and a Taser
 
 
11 MAY 2008, CALIFORNIA | Working in a hospital’s emergency room can be described as periods of frenetic activity punctuated by moments of boredom. During the latter, I was explaining the nuances necessary for a truly good Darwin Award, and the extraordinary effort it takes to win one. As an example I referenced a truly bizarre occurrence in our own little hospital. Three of us were on duty on Mother’s Day in the ER when a pitiful woman was brought in suffering from a venomous snakebite to her right hand.
She spotted a small brown snake . . .
The fifty-three-year-old had been strolling with her family in celebration of the holiday, when she spotted a small brown snake that she misidentified as a garter snake. To her credit, everyone involved agreed that the snake had no rattles, but the fact that it SHOULD HAVE is indisputable. She was bitten on the middle finger, and the immediate pain and swelling alerted the group to the fact of a serious envenomation. This is all too common a story, but what ensued raises its novelty value.
Our little city of Ojai has a well-deserved reputation as a hot-bed of alternative healing, unique lifestyles, and New Age philosophy. Still, the ER staff were surprised to hear the family’s account of their treatment for their mother. Someone in the group had heard a rumor that Tasers would counter the effect of a rattlesnake bite. Unfortunately this family
did
have access to a Taser weapon, and they zapped their poor mother!
When the pain and swelling continued advancing up her arm, they did the only sensible thing: They Tasered Mom again. With little else in their armamentarium, or perhaps running low on batteries, they brought Mom to the emergency room—where they expressed considerable dismay as the staff ignored the Taser idea and proceeded to treat her with antivenom (standard snakebite care) and admit her to the ICU.
Antivenom is purified from serum
taken from an animal that has been injected with tiny amounts of venom to provoke an immune response. The antibodies bind to and neutralize the toxin molecules, halting further damage. Antivenom must be administered ASAP because it does not reverse damage already done. Historically, immunized horses were the animal of choice, but today sheep and goats are more common sources of antivenom because there is less chance of serum sickness caused by an immune response to the animal’s antigens.
All ended well, even for the snake, rendering this just an anecdote among the truly terminal stories collated by Darwin. And for those still in doubt about the efficacy of a Taser against snake venom . . . thanks for the job security!
 
Reference: Anonymous MD;
Ojai Hospital Medical Records
At-Risk Survivor: Spin Cycle
Unconfirmed Personal Account
Featuring holiday fun, fireworks, and a washing machine!
 
 
4 JULY 2008 | Two coworkers decided to celebrate the 4th of July in their own special way. They loaded an old washing machine with tens of pounds of firecrackers, lit a fuse, dropped the lid, and ran . . . Nothing happened. Twenty minutes later, they decided that the fuse was a dud and went back to try again.

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