Authors: Massimo Russo
Capitolo 44
Consciousness took firm hold on the reins of his life. He woke up with a start. The room and its lights were familiar. He recognized Julia’s voice, the voice that had led him out of the world he had been trapped in.
“Julia!”
He looked deep into her eyes, where he had lost himself a thousand times and where he still felt the need to go to rediscover the peace and love he had searched for in dreams that didn’t belong to him.
“My darling, you had a nightmare.”
The gentleness of those words and her embrace gradually gave back to him the serenity he had lost. His heart was beating more regularly, even though he still found it hard to breathe normally.
“It’s all right, Norman. I’m here. It was only a bad dream.”
“Julia! It all seemed so real! I was terrified I’d lost you.”
“Oh, honey. I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here with you. You’re the only one who can make me happy.”
Norman burst into tears. The force of his feelings made it impossible to stay calm.
“Forgive me, my darling. I’ve been so stupid. I’ve neglected us and everything we are lately. I lost sight of the sense of things and was chasing around after trivialities and situations that had nothing to do with me.”
“It doesn’t matter, my love, you’re here with me now. Wherever you’ve been and whatever dream you’ve been following, you’re back here now. Let’s put it all behind us and start over. What do you say?”
He gazed at her as her smile restored to him the life that for a moment he had feared he had lost. In that instant, he understood that everything he had dreamed of his whole life was in her arms and all he wanted was to reciprocate the love he had been given with no half measures. The sense of everything was enclosed in that instant. There was desire, full of pride for being fulfilled. There was purpose, irreverent in the face of doubt. There was torment, vexed by the endless search. And there was love, infinitely truer than any other form of truth. Norman realized that he needed nothing more to begin building a life based on gratitude for a pure feeling, life-giving nectar for an entire existence.
“Thank you for being here and staying with me. Thank you for all the joy your caresses bring me while I let myself be carried to an oasis of pleasure. Thank you for all your acts of kindness. Thank you for every riddle you explained as I drifted aimlessly, unable to understand life. Thank you for reaching out to my heart and consoling it as it tried to burn its silly weaknesses. I love you, as I never loved you before, because I was too busy making sure I was alive.”
They kissed, letting time choose whether to stay and watch or pass by without making a sound. Norman was happy. He had been to hell and spoken to the devil and to his fate, and then had decided to start living. Julia watched him, content in their togetherness, and everything around them was perfect.
“You know what we’re going to do now, sweetheart? I’m going to get out of bed and make breakfast. Then we’ll sit on the couch and you can tell me all about your bad dream and I’ll hold you tight to remind you it’s over. We’ll leave your office to its own fate today and my job can go to hell.”
“You’re on. It’s ages since we’ve had a day to ourselves. Off you go then, I’m famished.”
They kissed with all the love they felt for each other and Julia padded into the kitchen. Norman got up and looked at himself in the mirror with not a little fear and trepidation. No lies were reflected in the image he saw. He could see himself clearly now, an enterprising young man in love with his life and his woman, willing to do anything for her, even to give his life as his had been given to him. He noticed a book on the bed. A smile spread through his being and onto his face. A twinge of fear tried once more to take possession of his soul, but he thrust it back into the compartment allocated to it in his mind. He picked the book up and leafed through it; inside were the poems he had written for Julia, which she had painstakingly transcribed one by one. He sat down and began to read one.
I saw you in the midst of a crowd as you gathered the strength to look for me, as everything around you was sacrificed for a moment’s happiness in the belief that it could be obtained in exchange for time.
I heard you breathing among a million breaths, pinpointing the thoughts your heart whispered, while everything was being swallowed by the will to forget.
I’ve loved you from the very moment consciousness became real, since I began to search for that part of me I don’t know, since I began to believe in the existence of the perfect moment.
I met you so that I could be happy at last, ignoring those forces of evil that can only envy every kind of love I feel for you.
He had never before read with such passion. He stopped for a while to reflect. Then he took up a biro and began to write words that would sweeten a mind that had traveled through bitter dreams.
I live.
If I only knew what that meant, I might even understand the purpose of what the world takes for granted, despite doubts in endless conflict between those that stay and those that wander. Because, at the end of the day, nothing much can be done without education. Various solutions are devised, but there’s no right or wrong result. You wonder if it’s worth staying or going. Yes, but where? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe willpower is sometimes merely one of fate’s paragraphs, or simply fate allowing the illusion of choice.
I live.
I’m continuing a search I left unfinished for a long time, while I chased a dream so that I wouldn’t have to give up the thrill of catching it. I may be disappointed, because once I have it within my grasp, I’ll want to buy another by selling myself, possessed by the craving to become great. Until, on a day like any other, I’ll be awoken by the desire to find some sense in what I’ve done and what, on the other hand, I am.
I live.
Unable to live through a day without doubting I’m here, but certain I’m not alone. Because it’s better to know something can be shared, if only for a moment. Because no one can remain apart. Because truth is the only justice left for those who seek an answer, whether right or wrong.
I live.
Because I can’t kill my dreams. Because essentially it is the only wonderful thing worth doing.
He closed the book, for what he thought was the last time. He would never write another line that might distance him from a life he had been incapable of living. He stood up and walked towards the kitchen. He was excited about letting her read what he had just written for her. He was already relishing his reward.
“It’s ready, darling. Sit down. Here you are. Here’s today’s paper too.”
“Ah! You’re spoiling me now.”
“That’s all I aim to do today. I’m going to take a shower now. Give me ten minutes and I’ll give you eternity.”
She gave him another kiss, sweeter than all the rest. Norman laid the book on the table, open at the page where he had written his latest creation, the one Julia would read after she had showered. Then he picked up the newspaper and flicked through it. The news sounded banal. His thoughts went back to the beginning of his nightmare. With a grimace, he erased the memory. He turned another page. Everything looked quite normal. It was the same as every other day and the different news reports resembled each other: violence, wars, robberies and political debates. There were sports events involving people who had become heroes thanks more to newspaper articles than feats on the field. There were the comic features by various show business personalities who entertained people with their tales and through which the lives of many were lived. Lastly, there was a page reporting the sensational events of the previous night. Norman let his eye wander over the words, until he came to the starting point of his adventure. The report described a poet who had become the most important writer of all time, two woman mysteriously found murdered in the basement of a bar and numerous other deaths, including a child raped in a wood.
A shiver ran through Norman’s heart. He stopped breathing, trying to hold back the fears that were submerging the certainty he had lately rediscovered, while the mirror opposite him showed the reflection of a man he hardly recognized, one with the same mocking grin he had attributed in his dream to the devil.
“Julia! I need you. I don’t think I’m completely awake.”
There was no reply and a red light flashed in his brain, warning him to stay calm. The grin in the mirror widened into a roar of laughter that filled his mind; it was so deafening that he thought he was going crazy.
“Julia! Where are you? Please, I need you. Now!”
He strode into the bathroom to find out why she hadn’t replied.
“Julia! If this is a joke, it’s not funny!”
The room was empty. He looked in the bedroom and living-room. He began to tremble, and saw smiling figures reflected in every mirror in the apartment.
“Julia!”
The telephone began to ring and kindled a flicker of hope. The voices in his head vanished, as if cancelled out by a non-existent reality. Calmness attempted to take the situation in hand as the phone continued its clamor. Everything seemed to be returning to normal. He set to thinking, dismissing the idea of being insane and tightening his grip on reason. It would only be a matter of minutes before reality and love returned from their hiding-place in a corner of his mind.
“Hello.”
The voice on the other end of the line dragged him back into the abyss he had just clambered out of, sweeping away every belief in truth.
“Good morning, Norman. I’ve got a message from Will.”
BIOGRAPHY
Massimo Russo was born on 6th March, 1975, in Varese, Italy.
He has been keenly interested in mathematics and everything related to technology since he was a child.
He graduated as a surveyor, but has only been able to find himself through music and poetry .
His aim in life is to combine the perfection of an equation with the unpredictability of the meaning of words and the magnitude of music.
In 2010 he wrote his first novel “Il Destino del Diavolo”, published by Pietro Macchione, owner of a small publishing house in Varese. Despite the difficulties he encountered in making his writing début, his first novel has been well received by critics and readers alike.
Massimo realised from the start that there was a marked contrast between traditional publishing methods which involve huge printing costs but give no guarantee of reaching a wide range of readers, and the modern digital system that inspired him to create his own digital application.
Because he strongly believes that books are a cultural heritage belonging to the whole world and must therefore be within everyone’s reach, he decided to sell a digital version of his book at a nominal price both in Italy and abroad. The book has been translated into English under the title "The Devil's Fate".
Massimo currently works as a consultant and advisor to well-known companies. His artistic repertoire also includes over fifty songs.
The Devil’s Fate, all rights reserved. On the cover: detail of a solar eruption photographed by NASA.
Translation copyright © 2011 Susi Clare
e-book version by Massimo Russo
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