The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (22 page)

“
No, I didn’t
go bare-back,” I told him. “I played it cool. I told her that
perhaps it was a sign we should take things slow. I told her I
really liked her and that I respected her. I could tell she was
gagging for it after that.”

“
You
smooth-talking bastard,” Jack congratulated me.

“
What did she
say?” Rob pressed me.

“
She fell in
love straight away, and told me she wanted me even more,” I lied
again. “I continued to play it cool and said I was going to pop out
for another bottle of wine, and when I returned we would
make love
to each
other.”

“
Make love?”
Ollie said raising his eyebrows. “That’s a bit gay, isn’t
it?”

“
Yeah, even
girls would find that a bit of a turn-off, mate,” Jack
added.

Damn it, I was losing them in
my web of lies. I needed to pull them back in quickly. “Yeah, but
when I said make love I was going down on her at the time.”

“
Why didn’t
you say?” Jack said. “If you are getting your knees dirty working
in the
vagtable patch
, anything you say is completely acceptable.”

“
But I thought
you had told her you wanted to play things cool.” Rob chipped in.
“That’s a strange thing to say while you were going down on her,
isn’t it?”

I froze. Rob had me. My lame
face-saving story was about to come crashing down around me. I took
a drink to try and earn myself a bit of thinking time. Then I had a
thought. It was risky but might just work. I placed my pint down as
calmly as you like and said: “Hey, what can I say? That’s just how
I operate. I'm just that type of guy.”

“
Yes, you
are,” Jack said slapping me on the back as Ollie high-fived me. Rob
didn’t look as convinced as the others, but that didn’t matter
because the odds had swung back in my favour. Phew, that was a
close one, I thought, and I dived straight back into my
tale.

“
I left the
flat and raced down to the local shop. I had a bit of banter with
the shopkeeper just so to keep her waiting a bit longer and then
headed back with the condoms in my back burner. That’s when it
happened.”

I picked my pint up to build
the tension, and took a long gulp. Ollie and Jack were on the edge
of their seats, but Rob still looked a bit dubious.

“
What
happened?” Rob finally asked. “Please, do tell.”

That is when I
realised I hadn’t really thought this thing through very well. I
had no idea where I was going to go with this. It was almost like I
was hoping for the closing drumbeats from
EastEnders
so I could have another
24 hours to plan my next episode. I couldn’t exactly tell my mates
this was a cliffhanger and they would have to tune in tomorrow to
hear the rest. I could feel their eyes burning into me. I had to
say something. Anything.

“
I decided to
go home and play hard to get.” Anything but that.

“
What?” By the
look on Jack’s face you would have thought I had just revealed I
was dating his mother. He was horrified.

“
Why?” Ollie
was baffled, and had an expression like I had just asked him to
recite his 12-times table.

Rob sat back and simply took a
long gulp from his pint. I couldn’t quite read his reaction, but I
was pretty sure it was somewhere in between Jack’s utter disgust
and Ollie's total confusion.

“
You know,
treat them mean and keep them keen,” I offered weakly. “I sent her
a text saying I respected her and that things were moving too fast,
and we should go slow.” I knew immediately they hadn’t bought
it.

“
I don’t buy
it,” Jack confirmed my thoughts. “After all this time of trying to
get your end away, you have this sexy chick completely butt-naked
ready to rock your knocker, and you decide to play hard to
get?”

“
That is
definitely a bit gay, mate,” Ollie added.

Tough crowd. This had
definitely gone better in my head. Why hadn’t I just told them the
truth? Too late to go back now, I had to just see this through.

“
I guess we’ll
just have to wait and see whether I have played a blinder or not
then, won’t we?” I said with every ounce of confidence I could
conjure up. “I’m meeting her next weekend, and I am willing to bet
that she is going to be so up for it by then that she will do
anything I want in the sack.” I looked at them all and then said
“
Anything
”
once more with real emphasis.

Slowly I saw the glow of
approval grow in Jack and Ollie’s eyes. It was as if I had just
hatched the most amazing sex plan ever. A plan that would see me
get the dirtiest sex known to man. All I had to do now was find a
girl hotter than Grace who was willing to have clumsy sex with me,
and then I could make up another lie about how I met this even
fitter girl and shagged her instead. I congratulated myself on a
job well done.

“
Sounds like
you have got it all sorted out, mate,” Rob said. I had even managed
to convince him. “But the only problem is that you won’t be seeing
Grace next weekend, will you?”

“
I don’t
follow?” I said hesitantly with my pint glass held to my
lips.

“
You seem to
forget that I am still in contact with Katie,” Rob said sitting
back smugly in his chair. “I spoke to her the other day and she
told me that Grace had given her a slightly different version of
events.”

I gulped. This was not good.
“Katie said Grace told her that after you left her flat to get the
condoms, you never returned. You didn’t text or anything.”

“
Maybe I
forgot to text,” I said. “Or maybe I was trying to keep an air of
mystery around me,” I offered hopefully as an explanation to try
and keep up this pathetic charade.

“
Maybe,” Rob
said. “But Grace didn’t forget to send you a text, did
she?”

“
No,” I said
bowing my head, realising defeat was in sight.

“
What did the
text say Dan?” Rob asked.

“
She texted me
saying I was a pathetic little man who should not waste her
time.”

“
And,” Rob
urged me on.

“
And that she
would have shagged the life out of me, but I had blown my chance
for running away like a little wimp.”

“
I think you
had better tell us what really happened,” Rob said, patting and
rubbing my back to comfort me as I sat with my head in my
hands.

So I did. I told them how Grace
had pounced on me, and how I had fumbled my way through the
foreplay. I explained how I had stupidly forgotten to buy condoms
because I was so out of practice, and that after racing to the shop
to buy some I had got lost and couldn’t remember where she
lived.

“
Hold on, let
me get this right,” Jack said, not even attempting to hide the grin
on his face. “You were on the verge of nailing this chick and then
you ran away?”

“
I didn’t run
away,” I corrected Jack. The story was embarrassing enough without
adding new twists to it. “I just had a slight direction
problem.”

“
You had a
slight erection problem?” Ollie cracked much to the delight of my
laughing friends. Like the old saying goes – a friend in need is a
friend worth relentlessly taking the piss out of.

“
Yeah, I had
an erection problem because your mum is so ugly even Viagra have
taken a court injunction out on her,” I snapped back. No matter how
old you are, mum jokes are still the best response to any type of
banter.

“
She must have
been dripping wet,” Jack started. “She could have been lying there
for hours, wearing nothing but a grin and her birthday suit. And
you royally screwed it up because you forgot to buy a map and pack
of Randy van Warmers!”

“
I told you
that you should have gone bare-back,” Ollie said finishing off his
pint. My so-called friends revelled in my misery. They laughed so
hard they were struggling to breathe as tears streamed down their
faces.

“
But that
isn’t all,” Rob said barely able to get his words out.

“
There’s
more?” Jack couldn't believe it.

“
I bumped into
Simon Peterson yesterday.” Rob said. “He lives on Mantilla
Road.”

“
So what?” I
sneered. Simon Peterson was some grease monkey we went to college
with. What the hell did he have to do with all this? Wait a minute
– did he say Mantilla Road?

“
He happened
to mention that he saw you on his road on Wednesday night,” Rob
announced. “He was working on his car. He would have said hello,
but you sprinted past him at a ferocious pace with a dog chasing
you.”

“
Was it a
poodle?” Ollie questioned.

“
No it wasn’t
a poodle,” I said. “It was a big, horrible, snarling
beast.”

“
Simon said it
was a sausage dog,” Rob said and they all started laughing
again.

“
No way,” I
hit back. “It was big. It must have been a cross breed.”

“
With what?”
Rob said through his laughter.

“
I don’t
know,” I said trying to think about it. I didn’t really get a good
look at the dog but it sounded big. “It was big like a German
Shepherd.”

“
You got
chased by a dog that was a cross between a sausage dog and a German
Shepherd?” Ollie asked almost in disbelief.

“
Was it a
bratwurst?” The moment the question left Jack’s lips the three of
them nearly fell off their chairs amidst the eruption of yet more
laughter.

“
Piss off,” I
barked and stomped off to the toilet. I stood at the urinal,
wondering whether I would ever live this new indignity down. Jeez,
would I ever get laid?

“
What is wrong
with you?” I said looking down at my penis, standing at the urinal.
“The sooner you realise we are in this together, the better. We
need to start working as a team – I can’t do this alone. If you
help me, then I’ll help you. Deal?”

It was then I sensed I was not
alone, and I am not talking about my penis. I could feel someone
staring at me, and I slowly turned my head to see an old man frozen
in his tracks looking at me.

“
I was
just...” I paused. What the hell could I say? I decided that lying
had got me nowhere today so I opted for the truth. “I was just
talking to my penis,” I decided to announce
matter-of-factly.

“
Bloody
pervert,” the old man said and then went about his
business.

I washed my hands and quickly
left the bathroom before I managed to get myself into any other
awkward situations. I walked back into the bar and joined my
friends, who were suspiciously quiet. I knew something was up
because this is exactly how they had acted in the aftermath of the
now infamous text incident.

“
Come on,” I
said. “Get it over and done with.” I knew what was coming next.
After all, I was a bloke. If the shoe was on the other foot I would
be the one dishing out the banter. I had put myself in a precarious
situation and I was fully prepared for the pack of wolves to
attack.

“
Look, Danny
boy, we have been talking,” Rob said. “And we think we can help
you.”

“
Oh, I get
it,” I said folding my arms across my chest defensively. “So what
do you have planned? No wait, let me guess. You are going to pimp
me out as a rent-boy?”

“
No, not
quite,” Rob said.

“
Perhaps you
want to pay old Hilda who lives in that trolley under the bridge to
pop out her false teeth and to give me some gum-love?”

“
Nope, but
that would be
absolute
,” Jack said, index finger twirling.

“
Well then you
must be planning to slip some rohypnol into my pint and carrying my
unconscious body down to the local STD clinic, where you will leave
me at the feet of diseased-ravaged old hags to have their wicked
way with me, just so doctors can carry out tests and discover new
sexually-transmitted infections, and then put my picture in the
medical dictionary next to the words ‘venereal
disease’.”

“
Dude, what’s
wrong with you?” Ollie quizzed, giving me a strange
look.

I was really wound-up. I was
ready for the A-Z of jokes, the emails with pictures of sausage
dogs, the blown-up condoms left hanging in my bedroom. Bring it on,
I didn’t care anymore.

“
We’re not
going to do any of those things,” Rob said with a warm
grin.

“
Although did
anyone take that last one down because as practical jokes go that
would be pretty awesome,” Jack said. “Has anyone got a
pencil?”

“
So what are
you planning?” I asked suspiciously.

Rob got to his feet and spoke.
“What you need is a foolproof solution. The one thing men have done
for years. The one thing that breeds male bonding even more than
watching England play in the World Cup. When Roman men built roads
in this great country, they built them for one reason and one
reason only.”

This was unexpected. The
suspense was killing me, and my heartbeat raced. Rob spoke with
such charisma that I knew it had to be something big, something
special. I had been preparing myself for the worst, but now I was
on tenterhooks and couldn’t wait for him to reveal their big
plan.