The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (20 page)

Stacey Cunningham

You think you’re so funny don’t
you? Let me tell you something now – you are not all man. Don’t
ever text me again you moron.

Unknown number

You are a dead man. Dave.

“
What’s wrong
with you lot?” I said, rubbing my brow. “Of all the people you
could have sent it to, why the hell did you send this to her?” My
only saving grace was that things couldn’t get any
worse.

Dick Mussel

Is this your idea of a joke? I
want to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning.

I was wrong. “Are you fucking
kidding me?!” I was livid. “You sent it to my boss? This could cost
me my job.”

The laughing stopped. Everyone
shifted awkwardly in their seats. “We’re sorry, mate,” Rob said
realising my tone was deadly serious. “We didn’t think.”

I was furious with them. I
could take a joke, but this had gone way over the line. They all
avoided eye contact with me, knowing full well they had gone too
far with this one.

My phone beeped with another
reply.

Grace Ellison

Hi Dan, it’s Grace here. I
accidentally deleted your text before reading it. What did it say?
I’m glad you contacted me as I feel bad about running off and
leaving you that night. How about I make it up to you? Why don’t
you come round to my place one night and I’ll cook. Text back
xx

I stared at it in silence. This
was unexpected. This was a total surprise. This was fucking
brilliant! “Check this out,” I said to the guys, shoving the phone
towards them. They looked nervous to read it at first, but then
they all started smiling.

“
Get in there,
my son,” Jack said.

“
But what
about your boss?” Ollie asked.

“
What?” I
asked, completely forgetting about the message from Dick. “Oh that.
Nah, I’ll just tell him I lost my phone and some nut job has been
texting people in my address book.”

“
Good work,”
Rob congratulated me.

It’s funny how the prospect of
sex can make even the most dire of circumstances simply seem like a
mere blip. I was starting to see much clearer now. I would simply
text everyone back (apart from Stacey and Dave) and say it was a
prank. In a matter of seconds my friends had gone from zeros to
heroes. Without their utter stupidity I would not have a second
shot at Grace.

My phone beeped again.

Kelly Campbell

I can’t stop thinking about you
too babe! What are you like? Let me guess, your friends got hold of
your mobile? I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the
book! x

Chapter 13: Amazing Grace

Wednesday, April 8, 2009 -
5.12pm

Drought Clock: 96 days, 19
hours, 15 minutes

Rob got the low down from
Katie. Grace had seen her ex kissing another girl and was on the
rebound. “This could really work in your favour,” Rob said down the
phone. “But you have to make sure you play the game correctly.”

“
What do you
mean?” I asked, sitting at my desk at work, shining an apple on my
shirt before taking a bite.

“
All you have
to do is come across as a better man than her ex. She is on the
prowl to prove that she is still desirable. She wants to make sure
in her own mind that she did the right thing leaving her ex in the
first place,” Rob paused. “Are you taking notes?”

“
No, of course
not.” I put down my pen.

“
You could get
some very dirty sex here, you lucky bastard. I’m actually jealous
of you for once,” Rob chuckled. “If you play your cards right, you
can kiss goodbye to the drought tonight, Danny boy.”

“
That is not
all I plan on kissing,” I said. Kelly looked up at me and shook her
head. “I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

I put the phone down and sat
back. Tonight was the night. After 15 weeks without sex I was
finally going to put that ball into the back of the net. I couldn’t
miss. I didn’t even have to try and convince her to let me in for
coffee at the end of the date. I was going to be in her house. I
would probably be able to see the bed from the dinner table.

“
So, the big
date is tonight,” Kelly said. “Are you ready?”

“
As I’ll ever
be,” I replied, trying to play it cool before realising this was
Kelly I was talking to. “Actually, I’m a little
nervous.”

“
I’m sure
you’ll be fine,” Kelly said to reassure me. “Just try to avoid
making the ten o’clock news this time.”

“
Very
funny.”

“
So what is
she cooking for you?”

“
I’m not too
sure. But I’ll be bringing dessert if you catch my drift,” I said
with a wink.

“
And when was
the last time you had any dessert,” Kelly said grinning. “If you
catch
my
drift.”

“
Okay, point
taken.” Note to self – no more dessert references when talking
about sex. “Should I take anything with me?” I was thinking a
couple of cans of Stella would do the trick.

“
A nice bottle
of wine, although try not to drink
too
much this time.”

“
Bottle of
wine. Check. Don’t get pissed. Check.”

Everything finally seemed to be
clicking into place for me. I had a second shot at Grace, I had
managed to avoid any further contact with Stacey and Dave, and my
mother had not called for at least 16 hours to ask if I was feeling
lonely. Or if I was gay.

“
Hilles! My
office!” Dick bellowed across the floor.

Everything
was
clicking into place except for work. Ever since Dick had
received
that
text he really had it in for me. Kelly watched as I got up
and covered her mouth to stop her laughter.

The morning after the text
incident I immediately went to his office and explained how my
friends had sent the text as a childish prank. I apologised
profusely, admitting it was extremely unprofessional and that it
would never happen again. I anticipated the anger, the shouting,
and the potential disciplinary I faced from HR. I was ready for
anything.

Anything other than how he had
actually reacted.

“
Sit down,
close the door,” Dick said as I entered his office. “So how have
you been?”

“
Er, fine,” I
hesitated. “I’ve been fine.”

“
Good, good,”
he said looking me up and down. “You look well.”

I suddenly felt very dirty, but
in my panic I blurted out the first thing that popped into my mind.
“So do you.”

“
Thanks,” Dick
said getting up from his chair and walking round to sit on the
corner of his desk. “I’ve been working out. Can you tell?” He was
stroking his bicep through the sleeve of his expensive designer
suit, extending his arm back and forth. I didn’t know what to say
so I just shrugged my shoulders and nodded.

“
Would you
like to feel?” Dick asked holding out his flexed bicep for me to
touch.

“
No, God no,”
I held my hands up. “I mean, I can see the bulge from
here.”

There have been moments in my
life where I had regretted my actions or the things I had said.
Telling my boss I could see his bulge would rank right up there.
Dick smiled and nodded his appreciation. Realising the horror of my
blunder I tried to rephrase my sentence. “What I meant was...”

“
I have
something for you,” Dick said, cutting me off. I sat completely
still as he lent over his desk to pull something out of his draw,
turning to face me as he did it. I didn’t know what to do. Maybe I
could make a break for it, leap out of the window to make my
escape.
James Bond
would do something cool like that. Then again, I couldn’t
exactly remember the last time Bond had to escape from a potential
homoerotic encounter.

“
Here you go,”
Dick said handing me a rainbow coloured scarf. I looked at it for a
second, puzzled. Dick bent down and whispered into my ear: “I know,
I saw you on the news.”

My mouth went very dry and I
couldn’t breathe. All week his comments included innuendo, making
me uncomfortable in his presence. Now I knew why. My gay boss had a
crush on me. I needed to set this record straight. Literally.

“
Dick, I’m
not...”

“
Shhhh,” Dick
put his finger to my mouth. “Don’t say another word.” He had my lip
pressed up against my left nostril. He somehow managed to guide me
up from my chair and out of his office before finally removing his
finger from my mouth, and slowly shutting his door, seductively
waving me farewell by gently closing one finger at a time over his
palm.

I slowly
turned around and felt as though everyone in the office was staring
in my direction. Did they know what had just happened in there? Had
they somehow heard? I glanced down at Shaila who was sitting at her
desk, a blank look on her face. Had she
seen?
Did she
know?

“
Dick was just
showing me something,” I stuttered.

“
It’s none of
my business, Don,” she replied.

Realising how my sentence might
have sounded I tried to correct myself. “What I meant was that he
wanted to give me something.” She looked at the scarf and raised
her eyebrows. I decided not to say anything else and cut my
losses.

“
Why are you
holding a gay pride scarf?” Kelly asked as I returned to my
desk.

I quickly
stuffed the scarf into my jacket pocket. “I don’t want to talk
about it,” I said. I wasn’t too sure what had just happened. Okay,
that’s a lie – I knew exactly what had just happened. I had just
had my first gay experience. It wasn’t the best preparation for my
date with Grace. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against
gay people – I have gay friends. Okay, I don’t have any gay
friends
,
but I
know gay people. Okay, I know Dick. And the guy that gave me
the
Gay & Proud
sign, but he was more of an acquaintance.

Get a
grip,
I told myself. Concentrate on
tonight. I had more important things to deal with and I couldn’t
let myself get distracted. This was just God’s way of testing me,
to see how badly I wanted to end this drought.

*

I stepped out of Tooting
Broadway tube station clutching a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio. I
only say nice because it cost me a tenner; all wine tastes the same
to me.

I’d printed out a map from the
internet to direct me to Grace’s flat on Henry Doulton Drive. My
phone battery was nearly dead so quickly sent Grace a text to say I
was on my way.

“
Hi, Dan,”
Grace greeted me at her door 15 minutes later. I handed her the
bottle of wine. “Oooh, this looks like a good one.”

“
You look
fantastic,” I gave myself a mental pat on the back for remembering
to compliment her. And she did look fantastic in dark jeans and a
midriff-revealing top.

“
Come in,” she
said. Her flat was very girly with lots of pink and white. There
was a candlelit dining table in the middle of her living room,
while Usher played in the background. And I could see the
bedroom!

“
This is a
really nice place,” I said. It was evident once the small talk was
out of the way that if this night went any further we needed to
talk about
that
night.

“
Look, I’m
really sorry for how I behaved when we first went out,” I said as
sincere as possible.

“
I should
apologise,” Grace said. “I kept making you drink to get you to
dance. It was my fault really.”

“
Why don’t we
agree to draw a line under that night and start again?” I
proposed.

“
Deal. I’ll
drink to that.” Grace went into the kitchen to open the bottle of
wine. “Dinner will be ready in about five minutes. I hope you like
spaghetti bolognaise.”

“
Sounds
great.” Okay, so far so good. I was even starting to feel quite
calm and collected. Grace walked back over and handed me a glass of
wine, and we made a toast to a fresh start.

A fresh
start
. It was exactly what I needed. It
was a poignant moment for me. There was a connection between us; I
could feel it. It started at the bottom of my feet, and then
started to wrap itself around my ankles. And purr?

“
Smokey!”
Grace said picking up her pet cat. “I think he likes you.” I
couldn’t help but wonder if Smokey had seen the news as well. I
gave him a look as if to tell him not to get any funny ideas – I
wasn’t into boys. Or cats.

“
Sit down and
I’ll get dinner ready.”

I did as I was told and took my
place at the table. Grace brought over two plates of mince beef and
spaghetti pasta with a delicious aroma from the home-made tomato
sauce. “It smells great,” I said.

We eased into conversation.
Grace told me how she had nearly text me on a number of occasions
but was worried I might not reply. She laughed so hard when I told
her about my brush with the law as the gay rights campaigner that I
thought she was going to fall off her chair. We finished dinner and
the conversation moved over to the sofa. I knew I had to make a
move so I kept looking for the signs –flirting, playing with her
hair, touching my hand, laughing at all of my jokes – even the
unfunny ones. Grace was doing it all, but I just froze. I was so
close I could feel it.