The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (23 page)

“
What is it?”
Ollie asked excitedly, even though he had been involved in the
conversation prior to me returning from the bathroom when this
great plan had been hatched.

Rob gave Ollie a funny look,
but then turned back to me. “A road trip.”

“
A road trip,”
I repeated in genuine awe at the sheer genius of it.

“
Think about
it,” Jack said. “We hit the open road and head to new untouched
lands. New bars. New clubs. New women,” he let the word
women
linger in the air.
“A funky fuck-fest of the highest order!”

Did such a place exist? And if
it did, where was it?

“
This place
sounds amazing,” Ollie said. I guess he was thinking exactly the
same as me. “Where is it?”

“
Ollie, where
the hell have you been for the last 10 minutes?” Jack asked. “You
were here when we discussed this while Dan was in the toilet with
that old man who keeps staring at him.”

I looked up. Jack was right,
the old man who had caught me talking to my penis was staring
straight at me. I quickly turned away not to meet his gaze. “But
how do you know this will work?” I asked.

“
Listen,” Rob
said. “When a guy goes out, he has one thing on his mind – he wants
to get laid.”

“
So true,”
Jack said with real sincerity and conviction. He lifted his pint to
his lips and took a sip. “Even when I pop down to the newsagent I’m
hoping I’ll get lucky.”

“
The big
difference between men and women is that the women have the power,”
Rob continued. “If a girl goes out and wants to have sex, she will
have sex because there will always be a guy willing to shag
her.”

“
So true,”
Jack repeated in the same tone, nodding to all of us with almost a
combined look of sorrow and jealousy on his face.

“
The thing is,
a girl will very rarely drop her standards like a bloke does,” Rob
explained. “And rarely will they go out and end up randomly
shagging some guy. It’s not that they don’t get drunk and lose
their inhibitions like guys do, but while a guy will let his mate
snog an ugly bird, a girl will never allow her friend to drop her
standards.”

“
Cock-blockers,” Ollie said bluntly, looking at each one of
us.

“
For blokes,
it’s pretty funny to get your pal smashed and then coax him into
pulling some old ripper,” Jack said. “Look at how many times we’ve
done it to Ollie.”

“
And I think
you’ll find I’ve thanked you each and every time,” Ollie said
raising his drink to Jack.

“
So what are
you saying?” I asked. “That I need a girl to drop her standards to
sleep with me?”

“
It wouldn’t
hurt,” Jack said.

“
No, that’s
not what we’re saying,” Rob interjected. “We’re saying we need to
head to a place where the girls think like guys. Where girls
act
like guys. Where
girls go out to get drunk, have fun, and get laid.”

“
That is the
type of place I need!” I almost jumped out of my seat with
excitement.

“
Then my
friend,” Rob said putting his arm around me, “you need to visit a
seaside town. A
student
town. A party capital where the girls are as wild
as the guys.”

Where was this place? “Tell me
where?” I pleaded.

“
This calls
for a road trip to Brighton,” Rob announced.

I was beaming. What a fantastic
plan. I looked at all of them with a massive grin on my face.
Despite all of the ridicule, they really did care.

But then I had a thought. What
if this was a set-up? I needed some sort of reassurance that my
friends were not trying to lull me into a false sense of security.
“Do I have your word that you’re not going to get me into any
stupid situations? That you are genuinely going to help me pot the
pink on the snooker table?”

“
Mate, with
all those women in Brighton, you will be like sheep in high heels
on a night out in Cardiff,” Jack said. “I promise,” and he crossed
his heart.

“
I’ll help you
pot the brown if you want,” Ollie said, nodding his
head.

I looked at my friends. “Okay,
I’m in.”

“
To the road
trip,” Rob said, and we all clinked our glasses together to toast
the town of Brighton.

Chapter 15:
Jack’s 10 Commandments

Thursday, May 14 - 5.20pm

Drought Clock: 132 days, 19
hours, 17 minutes

It had been a month since the
foolproof plan that was Brighton had been put in place, and boy had
it dragged. It was all I could think of. I had entered my fifth
month of the drought and I was pinning all of my hopes on the East
Sussex coastline.

I couldn’t get any work done.
My mind was occupied with nothing else but getting the final 24
shagless hours out of the way and then heading towards my utopia of
sex heaven. The possibilities in Brighton were endless – students
who were away from home for the first time and going crazy after
exams, groups of girls on hen-weekends drinking all day long, girls
who were just down for the weekend to have a bit of fun without the
risk of their boyfriends or husbands ever finding out, and even
local girls out to pull the odd tourist or two.

“
Ready for the
big road trip, then?” Kelly asked as she typed away at her
keypad.

“
You bet,” I
said, a little too eager.

“
What is the
plan then? I take it you must have a plan seeing as you have been
talking non-stop about this trip since you and your friends planned
it last month.”

I didn’t really have a plan,
more of a sixth-sense. This was Brighton after all – a place where
the girls are like the boys. What could go wrong?

“
We’re just
going to head down there and see where the sea air takes us,” I
said with a satisfying nod.

“
Really?”
Kelly said with a sharp tone to her voice and narrowing her eyes.
“Because that has been working so well for you so far, hasn’t
it?”

Ouch, that was a bit below the
belt I thought, and totally out of character for Kelly.

“
Kelly, is
everything okay?” I asked.

“
I’m sorry,”
Kelly said. “It’s Paul. We were meant to be going out together
tonight after work but he has just texted me to cancel because he
has a poker night with his friends. Why do you guys think it’s
perfectly okay to change plans at the last minute?”

“
I’m sure he
didn’t mean to upset you,” I said as a way to offer some sort of
apology on behalf of all men.

“
It’s not your
fault, babe. He is just being a typical inconsiderate man,” Kelly
said rolling her eyes. “I’m annoyed because I have nothing to do
now.”

“
Why don’t we
go out for a quick drink after work then?”

“
Yeah, that
would be good. You can tell me all about your plans for
Brighton.”

There was that
word again –
plan.
Why did I have to have a plan? Women love to have plans and
structures. If this were a bunch of girls going on a road trip they
would probably have an agenda or an itinerary. Maybe that wasn’t
such a bad idea. After all, I had pretty much been out of ideas for
the last five months. Some sort of guidance or a manual of some
sort probably wouldn’t go amiss.

An icon popped up on my
computer to say I had a new email, and like a sign from God – or
Jack – my guidance appeared in my inbox.

Subject:
Tour de Big
Guns 2009

From:
[email protected]

Sent:
14 May 2009 17:26:31

To:
[email protected];
[email protected]; [email protected]

With the clock ticking away,
it’s time to start planning the most slut-infested, drink-fuelled,
condom-wearing, STD risk-taking, non-dry-humping, two days of our
lives.

Now as you all know, Dan has
endured five months of torture. So once the Big Guns invade
Brighton, it’s time to make a pact...

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

1) Let’s get this party
rocking. As soon as we arrive, we roll the red carpet out. We let
them know in no uncertain terms that the Big Guns have arrived. We
dump the bags and hit the bars.

2) It’s
not
Groundhog Day
. No one is allowed to crack on with the same bint for more
than one night. You can keep any little tart you meet on reserve in
case you blow out, but I ain’t having any of this meeting up two
nights running like boyfriend and girlfriend.

3) Chat-up
lines. They will be used. I have a list of them to hit the chicks
up with! Belters like:
My name is Mr
Right, somebody told me you were looking for me!

4) The anthem. Every Big Gun
should have one. As soon as the DJ plays this little number, each
and every Big Gun must drop what they are doing and hit the dance
floor. It’s time to cut shapes.

5) High
Fives. Before we go out, each and every Big Gun must line-up while
I go down the line issuing high fives all round. Standard high
fives will be used (nothing fancy like
Top
Gun
).

6) Power
ballads. Before you ask – no, I’m not gay! But there is nothing
like hitting the open road, closing your eyes tight, clenching your
fist, and belting out lyrics of pure raw emotion. I defy anyone to
sing Bonnie Tyler's
Total Eclipse of the
Heart
without a tear in your
eye.

7) The way of
The Hoff.
Knight Rider
and
Baywatch
– two absolute rip-snorting gems of TV genius brought to us
by one man – David Hasselhoff. What is there not to love about this
man? Talking crime-fighting cars, bikini-clad women, awesome super
slow-mo running shots, and not to mention a chest rug to be proud
of. If we use the way of the Hoff, we won’t go far
wrong.

8) Randy van Warmers. Dan, I've
got a box full of condoms with your name written all over them so
no need to worry about getting chased by sausage dogs this
time!

9) The Game. When entering a
different postcode, the game begins. You know how it works. You get
a point for snogging some old tart, five points for flicking the
bean, 10 points if she has a chat with the boy, and 15 points for
rumpedy-roo!

10) What happens on tour –
stays on tour. Any man who brings a camera to a road trip may be
legally castrated and his man-bits thrown to the seagulls to feast
on.

Let’s make this one not to
forget and help our friend Dan find out whether his winkle still
works after all these months! Please print this off and keep it
with you at all times. It is imperative that we all know the
rules.

Jack

*

I stared at my computer, trying
to take in what I had just read. It was illiterate, crude, vulgar,
and completely over the top. It was perhaps the greatest and most
inspiring email I had ever received. Now I felt like I had a plan.
I clicked print and headed over to the printer to collect it. As I
reached out to collect my print-out, my hand inadvertently brushed
against a second hand belonging to someone else collecting their
own print-out.

“
Dan,” Dick
said as I quickly pulled my hand away.

“
Sorry,
Richard, I didn’t see you there.”

“
No need to
apologise Dan, we are both adults. And I prefer Dick, remember?”
Dick said with a wink.

“
What’s this?”
he said taking Jack’s printed email from the printer and scanning
the content. “Going on a trip are we?”

“
Yes, to
Brighton.”

“
Brighton,
really?” he said. “You know that Brighton has a famous gay scene,
don’t you, Dan?” he nudged me. “Of course you do.”

“
Yes, I mean
no,” I blurted out.

“
No need to be
shy, Dan,” Dick said, handing me my print out. “I might even see
you down there. Why don’t you wear the scarf I gave
you?”

I politely smiled, nodded and
then turned to get away as quickly as possible. I sat back at my
desk. This was getting out of hand now. It was bad enough having
Dick flirt with me, but now he had practically asked me out.
Somehow I needed to nip this in the bud. But how? My eyes darted
around the office. And then I had an idea.

I jumped up from my seat and
marched straight over to Shaila. Dick was standing at her desk,
holding an excel spreadsheet and giving her some sort of
instructions.

“
Shaila,” I
said, slamming my hand down against her desk. My tone obviously
took both of them by surprise. They both looked at me. I cleared my
throat and tried again. “I mean, Shaila,” I said her name in a
strange high-pitched tone, a big cheesy grin on my face.

“
Yes?” she
said with a perplexed look across her face. I glanced at Dick who
stood with his arms folded, and gave me another little wink. The
wink gave me more desire to end this now and I turned back to
Shaila.