The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (27 page)

“
I think I
need the toilet as well,” I stuttered to get the words
out.

“
Yeah, me
too,” Rob said, swallowing hard.

Jack initially froze. He looked
at Ethan and Dominic who smiled back toward him. “Perhaps I can
help you with that shot?” Dominic said. “Bend over that table and
I’ll be right over.”

“
Wait for me,
guys!” Jack shouted at us, tripping on a bar stool in his panicked
state, before hauling himself back up and shuffling past Ethan and
Dominic, who were fighting themselves to hold back their
laughter.

“
Hurry back,”
Dominic said, pouting.

The three of us practically
fell through the door. Ollie was already standing at the urinal. He
looked up at us, had a little shake, and then walked over to the
basin to wash his hands. Jack opened the door ajar and peered
outside before giving us the thumbs up. “They haven’t followed us,”
he said, panting. “What the hell are we going to do?”

“
Okay, don’t
panic,” I said trying to calm the situation down, while at the same
time looking for a window for us to escape through.

“
Don't panic?”
Jack fired back at me. “We've stumbled into a sausage factory, Dan.
I’m telling you, I'm nobody’s
Kinder Egg
Surprise
.”

“
What are you
talking about?” I asked.

“
There is no
way Ethan and his boyfriend are going to get my chocolate and have
something to play with.”

“
Will you stop
it, this isn’t going to get us anywhere,” I said trying to reason
with Jack.

“
That’s easy
for you to say. You’re not the one who just got violated out there
across a friggin’ pool table.” Jack replied with his eyes locked on
me. “This is all your fault.”

“
How is it my
fault?”

“
It was
your
idea to come in
here,” Rob joined in.

“
What are you
guys talking about?” Ollie asked as he rubbed his hands together
under the dryer.

“
Oh yeah?” I
said ignoring Ollie and turning to Rob. “Well I seem to remember
you saying what a
nice
place it was when we walked in here.”

“
Oh brilliant,
so you’re both bent as each other,” Jack said with his arms crossed
against his chest. “This isn’t
The
Flintstones
– I’m not going to have a gay
old time.”

“
What’s
wrong?” Ollie shouted out, but we ignored him again as we descended
into name-calling and accusations.

“
None of this
would have happened if you hadn’t challenged Elton John out there
to a game of pool,” Rob said to Jack.

“
Shut up, Rob,
I feel dirty enough as it is,” Jack said pulling at his collar. “I
bet every time I bent over to play a shot, they were all watching
me – wishing they could take their shot.”

“
Seriously,
will someone please tell me what is going on?” Ollie said again as
he walked over to us. He looked confused. He couldn’t understand
why his friends were falling apart in front of his very eyes. He
had no idea of threat we faced outside these four walls.

“
You probably
want to stay here,” Jack said to me. “You haven’t had much luck
with women lately so maybe you feel like taking one in the
bullseye.”

“
Will you stop
with the homophobic jibes,” I fired back.

“
Is that some
sort of new music genre?” Ollie said, and for once his voice
grabbed our attention. The sheer stupidity of the boy was
outstanding. But it was enough to break the tension, and we
couldn’t help but laugh at how much we had blown this out of
proportion.

“
Can someone
please tell me what’s going on?” Ollie asked again. “And when are
we going to get out of this gay bar and go and find some
women?”

We stopped laughing immediately
and let his words sink in.

“
You knew this
was a gay bar?” Jack said having trouble hiding his
anger.

“
Yeah, it’s
obvious,” Ollie said. “This place is full of geezers and they have
been playing the
Scissor Sisters
album non-stop since we got here.”

“
Why didn't
you say anything?” Rob said turning on Ollie.

“
I thought you
guys knew. You all seemed to be having a good laugh with that Ethan
guy, and he’s really gay, but not as gay as his mate
Dominic.”

The red mist was about to
descend. “This isn’t going to get us anywhere,” I said before
things really got out of hand. We needed a plan so I took the lead.
“Follow me.”

My plan was simple. We would
pay the bar tab and leave this establishment immediately. Like men.
Straight men.

“
You’re back?”
Dominic said, surprised to see us. “We were about to send the
rescue team in to find you.”

I ignored his comment and asked
the barman if I could settle up. He wanted nine pounds and 60
pence. I fumbled around in my pocket to find my wallet. I could
sense the other boys watching me, and their impatience made me
panic. I searched all of my pockets but couldn't find it. Finally I
felt something in my jacket pocket and pulled it out.

“
Nice scarf,”
Ethan said. “I’ve got one just like that at home.”

I looked down at my hands and
to my horror found myself holding the rainbow-coloured scarf Dick
had given to me as a gift.

“
What the fuck
is
that
?” I heard
Jack hiss from behind me. It matched the gay pride flag hanging
proudly behind the bar. How had we missed that?

I delved deeper into my pocket
and felt a bank note, pulled it out and practically threw it at the
barman. We turned on our heels and got the hell out of there, as
Ollie waved goodbye to Ethan and Dominic.

“
Wait, your
change. You gave me a £20 note,” I heard the barman shout out after
me as the door closed.

*

We walked in silence in no
particular direction; our male pride in tatters. What would people
say when they heard we had been in a gay bar? How could I ever
expect to get my leg-over after this setback? We were a band of
friends on the brink. Something that had started out with such
promise was now nothing more than a complete farce. Nothing could
save this weekend.

Or could it?

From out of nowhere came hope.
It might just have been the one thing that could help us rebuild
the damage done; to help prove our masculinity beyond a shadow of a
doubt.

Girls!

From the depth of despair two
real stunners were coming towards us on the opposite side of the
road. Both wore short tight skirts displaying their sexy slim legs,
with their long black hair swaying in the light breeze, and dark
eyes you could lose yourself in.

“
Check these
two out – they’re absolute!” Jack said with his one finger salute
and his eyes virtually popping out of their sockets. “We’ve got to
talk to them.”

“
I’m bang up
for this,” Ollie said like a kid in a candy shop. “I’ve never
pulled a black girl before. I might even tell them that so they are
more inclined to cop off with me!”

“
That
statement was a little inappropriate, don’t you think?” I said
turning to Ollie.

“
I know, but
it’s not like I haven’t tried pulling black girls in the past. I’ve
just never managed to seal the deal.”

“
That is not
what I meant,” I said sighing, and quickly followed as my three
wingmen flew across the road to greet their targets.

“
Hey, slow
down,” Rob was in there like a flash. “Can we talk for a second?”
They smiled but kept on walking. Jack was next to try.

“
Don’t be shy,
girls, I promise I won’t bite... unless you want me too!” His tone
was cheeky enough for him to get away with such a comment, and even
made the two girls laugh out loud. But it wasn’t enough to stop
them walking on. Ollie was up next.

“
Please stop.
I’ve never pulled...”

Oh my God, what was he doing?
The idiot was actually going to tell them he had never pulled a
black girl before. The three of us looked on in horror. I knew
immediately I had to stop him putting his foot in his mouth; in all
of our mouths. But what could I interject with? What would Ollie
confess to never pulling before? A muscle? A sickie? A fast
one?

“
...his
foreskin all the way back?” I spat out.

That’s correct. I said
foreskin. Of all the things I could have said Ollie had never
pulled before I opted for the retractable, double-layered fold of
skin and mucous membrane that covers the glans penis. I could have
said that Ollie had never pulled the trigger before, or that he had
never pulled before full stop. Hell, saying he had never pulled a
black girl before would have been more appropriate and certainly
less ridiculous than announcing that he had never pulled his
foreskin all the way back before.

“
What did you
say?” one of the girls asked, as they both stopped dead in their
tracks and gave me a look of disgust.

“
And you say
I’m inappropriate,” Ollie said, raising his eyebrows at
me.

I glared at Ollie, before
turning back to the girls apologetically. “I’m sorry, I didn’t
mean...” But what could I say? How could I possibly talk my way out
of this? Who uses the word foreskin in their first sentence when
trying to pick girls up on the street?

“
Sorry
about
care in the community
over there,” Jack said nodding in my direction.
The two girls at least managed to avert their glare from me and at
least smile in Jack’s direction. “I’m Jack, by the way.” Jack shook
their hands and they introduced themselves as Erica and
Alisha.

Un-fucking-believable. I was
the one who saved the situation and somehow I had been labelled the
liability of the group.

“
So where are
you girls off to tonight?” Rob asked.

“
We are
heading to party at the Imperial Hotel,” Alisha said.

“
No way, that
is where we’re staying,” Ollie said. I shot him another look. It
was his fault I was now in this situation.

“
I’m sorry
about the foreskin comment,” I offered meekly, but at the same time
realising I had now mentioned the word foreskin in my first and
second sentence.

“
You really
can’t take him anywhere,” Jack said, shooting his thumb in my
direction.

“
We were just
heading back towards our hotel, so why don’t we come and join you
at the party?” Rob asked.

“
I’m sorry but
it’s a private party,” Erica said.

“
I’m sure you
girls could sneak us in,” Jack said. “Besides, we’re staying at the
hotel – that must qualify us for an invite?”

“
It’s really
not the sort of party I think you would enjoy,” Alisha
said.

“
What sort of
party is it?” Ollie asked.

“
A birthday
party,” Alisha said. “And we’re already running late for the
birthday girl.”

“
Why didn’t
you say so? Birthday parties are our speciality,” Jack said. The
two girls gave him a look. “We’re exotic male dancers. We could
come and put a little show on for your friend. She’ll love
it!”

“
Come on,
girls, what do you say?” Rob asked.

Alisha and Erica looked at each
other mischievously and started whispering into each other’s ears.
They turned back to us. “Okay, you can come,” Erica said.

“
But you had
better put on a good show,” Alisha added.

I couldn’t help but think that
my friends were being a little too eager to agree. Were they mad?
Exotic dancers? We were about as exotic as a caravan holiday in
Bognor Regis. I had a bad feeling about this.

“
What are we
doing?” I nudged Rob as we followed the girls back towards the
Imperial Hotel. “You know I hate dancing.”

“
Relax,” Rob
said waving his hand as if everything was under control. “We are
just having a bit of banter with them.”

“
What’s the
problem?” Jack chipped in.

“
My problem is
that we’re heading to a party where we’re expected to put on some
sort of Chippendale dance routine,” I stressed. “We’re going to
look more like
Alvin and the
Chipmunks
.”

“
I like that
film,” Ollie decided to inform us.

“
Calm down,
dear,” Jack said putting on his best Michael Winner impression.
“They know we’re not really exotic dancers, it was just a bit of an
ice breaker.”

“
Maybe,” I
reluctantly agreed. “But they think I’m some sort of weirdo who
only talks about Ollie’s turtleneck.”

“
I’m not
wearing a turtleneck,” Ollie said.

“
Danny boy,
think about it,” Rob said. “Look at these two girls. They are
gorgeous. Hot girls have hot friends.”

“
That is not
technically true,” I argued. “How many times do you see a really
good-looking girl out with her ugly mate?” I had them. The hot
girl/ugly girl combo is no secret in the land of bloke. The
good-looking girl will hang out with her ugly friend to enhance her
looks; to guarantee she is the one who will receive the compliments
and get hit on all night. The ugly friend usually ends up getting
ignored, so she reverts to becoming a major
cock-blocker.