“Chicago. I knew you would most likely not be there, but I hoped your mum would shed light on the situation.”
“Interesting chat?”
“To say the least. I felt like a complete arse when she went out into the tiny yard to call you as though I couldn't hear her.”
“Her version of trying to protect me.”
“
Trying
being the operative word.” He laughed, brushing a damp tendril of hair over my shoulder, his trepidation suddenly becoming obvious. He studied me with that intent of his, his beautiful eyes penetrating every part of me as he chose his next words. “So, do you know what you want to do?”
I took a deep breath. I'd been expecting it to come up, and as much as we needed to talk about it, I needed a night off from the tumultuous thoughts of talking to Mistress Kayla and consequentially deciding my future. There honestly wasn’t much to decide. I knew who I wanted, so it was just a matter of trying to decide on the how and the when.
“Can we talk about this another time? I know you want answers but just for tonight, can we be ourselves and enjoy one another's company?”
“I'd like nothing better,” he whispered into my ear. “Just you and me.”
The waitress returned with our drinks before I could answer, sliding into the booth across from us with her pad and pen, jotting down our orders and asking about Jared's accent. I could almost see the stars in her eyes as she forced him to talk longer by explaining about reserving the table if we wanted to dance.
The moment she was gone, Jared had me on my feet in the middle of the writhing bodies, the sweat gathering on my skin as we pushed against one another, chatting loudly amongst ourselves.
Even though the conversation had been lighter than most, it was the single best date I had ever been on. There were no whips, chains or cuffs in sight. It was just the two of us being ourselves in a small corner of the world, which offered amazing music and an atmosphere I wished I could bottle.
I would never forget that night for as long as I lived. He'd known me well enough to take me to a place that I didn't think anyone else would have ever thought to take me. He danced like no one was watching, and the small kisses we shared were more profound than any other I'd had in my life.
Since he'd waltzed back into my world, I finally grasped onto hope with both hands and vowed never to let it go. The fear of getting hurt was terrifying, but these moments, all of them put together, seemed to make it all worthwhile.
I'd been procrastinating.
After my date with Jared, I'd been putting off making a decision on how to approach Mistress Kayla, and I couldn't seem to make up my mind no matter which way my thoughts turned. There was no question of who I wanted to be with. Placing them both side by side in my mind and asking myself the difficult questions, I knew who I couldn't live without.
Then, I'd stalled for one reason alone.
I didn't want to hurt Mistress Kayla.
I’d like to think that if I hadn't seen Jared with someone else that night, I would have continued on with the task I’d been set by my Mistress and forced myself to say goodbye at the end of it all. I was a creature of habit, and I was submissive. My life would have continued to make sense. It was being forced to face my own feelings and Mistress Kayla’s honesty about what she'd done that had finally driven me away for good. The damage had been done and our bond of trust was hanging by a thread. The request of release from our agreement was the only way to go forward. She had to know it as well as I did. I just wasn't sure how she'd react to it.
It would have been an insult to take Jared with me to talk to her, so I'd packed up the car with enough coffee to keep an elephant running and hit the road once Maria and Libby had left the house. The sun was rising in the east as I came to a clearing and pulled over to sit on my hood just to watch the explosion of color as the sun crested the horizon.
There was a peacefulness I couldn't put into words as the sun finally peeked over the line of earth, the deep burning orange spreading over the sky and highlighting the spattering of clouds that had gathered. As the light finally took control of the day, I lay back against my car and gave myself the third pep talk since I'd set off.
“You can do this, Kit. You have to do this. You can't keep dragging it out. The sooner it's done, the sooner we can both move on. Get in the car and drive already. It's your turn to cook tonight.”
I felt a little crazy talking to myself amongst the surrounding trees, but it was what I needed. I'd spoken to my reflection in the mirror when I got up and again when I climbed in the car after saying goodbye to my little adopted family. I hadn't told Jared where I was going. I didn't want him to worry.
I drove all morning, hitting the city in the middle of rush hour and relishing the extra time to myself before meeting with Mistress Kayla. I probably should have called her, but I wouldn't have been thanked for waking her at five o’clock on a Monday morning.
I was on autopilot as I navigated the Garden District. It was only when I was outside her house debating on whether to park in the drive or on the street that the weight of what I was about to do truly hit me. My head fell against the steering wheel as I tried to catch a breath, my heart pounding in my chest, chanting
run
until it deafened me. I couldn't run now. I couldn't chicken out and just leave things the way they were. It was wrong.
“Out of the car, Kit,” I told myself, sitting up and dragging a breath in through my nose.
My hand sat on the handle of the door for at least a minute before I pulled it and stepped out of the car. I was dressed in battle armor of jeans, a band tee and Chucks. It was as good as it was going to get.
I tried not to think too much about what I was about to do as I took the steps up to the porch two at a time and stared at the familiar door. I reached for the bell twice, chickening out and dropping my hand before I finally forced myself to ring it. The chime rang through the house, the elegant tone reverberating off the walls and back at me before dying out and leaving a silence to fall over it.
She wasn't home. At least, that's what I tried to convince myself as I stood there. I knew damn well she'd either still be in bed or in the shower getting ready for the day. Either way, she'd be upstairs and I knew running would be a cop out.
It felt like I’d been standing there for a lifetime when the door finally opened. Although, it wasn't the face I was expecting to see.
“Kit?” Luke said, his breathing stopping for a second before he looked over his shoulder. “What are you doing here?”
I gave him a wry smile and brushed my hands through my hair. It seemed I was the only one honoring the commitment. Mistress Kayla's cuffs were circling Luke's wrists and looked to be a permanent fixture there.
“No reason by the looks of things.” I smiled. Luke had done nothing wrong, even though it did sting a little that I was so easily and quickly replaced.
“I can explain.”
I stepped forward and cupped his cheek with my hand, my eyes capturing his as I heard footsteps moving around upstairs.
“You have nothing to explain, Luke. As long as you're happy, I'm happy for you.”
“But—”
“Does that go for me, too?” Mistress Kayla asked, her stocking clad feet appearing on the stairs.
“It's all I ever wanted for you, Kayla.”
“If that was true, you wouldn't have left.”
I looked between her and Luke, and stepped past him and into the house. It wasn't fair of her to do this in front of him, but I was in no position to dismiss him or ask her to do so. I'd hoped that she wouldn't try to riddle me with guilt, but I'd been wrong. It was almost like the woman I used to know no longer existed. I watched her graceful descent down the stairs, her eyes meeting mine. There was nothing but walls there.
“What else could I have done? You didn't just hurt me, Mistress. You harmed me. Something you promised never to do, and something that I never consented to. You broke my trust and set me up for failure.”
She turned to her left, her chin high and her arrogance worn on her sleeve as she gracefully fell into her wing-backed chair before crossing her legs. A flick of her wrist commanded I come inside.
As much as it pained me, I wouldn't kneel at her feet. That part of our time together was over. So I made my way in and sat on the sofa, my body angled toward hers, my eyes searching her face.
“Defiance already?”
“Not defiance, respect. I'm not going to do that to Luke.”
“Luke, can you make us some tea?”
I saw him peek around the corner, the sad smile he aimed at me making me wish I'd stayed away.
“Of course, Mistress.”
I watched him go. Kayla listened, her eyes slowly turning back to me. Accusations were worn all over her face.
“Don't do that.”
“And what exactly is that, Pet?”
“Look at me that way. Did you believe for a second I could submit to you after what you did?”
“What I did?” she asked, in a sardonic tone.
“You know exactly what you did. You were always so quick to believe I was unhappy, that I wanted out, and all that time, I was happy and I didn’t want out. You could have sent any sub you wanted to that house and yet you pushed me into it.”
“I didn't make you fall in love with him.”
“No, but you knew I wouldn't be able to resist him. He is charismatic, a natural born Dom, and you knew all that time alone would create a bond between us, especially when he needed guidance. You knew how quickly trust would be formed between us. Admittedly, I doubt you believed I would fall in love with him quite so quickly. But believe me, it was as much of a surprise to me as it was to you.”
“That was all you.”
“It was. I can't take it back either. You pushed me away, Kayla. You were just waiting for the right opportunity to do it.”
She sniffed and turned her head, her breath releasing in one long stream before she sucked more back in. I understood she was hurt. As was I, but making me jump through hoops when I’d still honored our partnership seemed like she was out to slap me in the face. This lashing out was simply because she was hurting and she was ashamed.
“You were never really mine,” she said quietly, her hands brushing under her eyes. “You had never been with a woman before and I knew it couldn't last forever.”
“That's bullshit, Kayla. I was happy. I was yours. It just wasn't enough for you.”
“It was too much for me, Kit. For the first time since Charles, I fell in love, and...” She took a deep breath and turned to look at me. “It scared me. You're right. I pushed you and pushed you, and I knew that he was the perfect match for you. I'd hoped... I was foolish.”
The anger that had boiled inside me suddenly drowned in a wave of pain. She was hurting just as I was hurting and even if she was to blame, I couldn't stand to see that defeat on her face. Without thinking, I found myself on my knees in front of her, my hands cupping hers as my own tears fell freely.
“I never meant to hurt you. It was the last thing I ever wanted. I never meant for it to happen but I can't ignore it. I love him, Kayla, and I love you, but after that night and having the time to think about what the future holds, I know in my heart this…“ I motioned between the two of us, my head shaking from side to side as I realized the absolute truth in my words. “Can't work.”
Leaning forward, she liberated her hands from mine and cupped my cheeks.
“It can't, and I'm the only one to blame for that. I know what you've come for, and as always you're more graceful, honorable and loyal than I deserve.” Leaning in, she touched her forehead to mine, her tears falling freely. “You’re free, Kit. Live, love and be happy.”
“Thank you. Thank you. This isn't goodbye. We'll see one another again.”
“We'd better see you at the club. Luke would be most upset about losing his dance partner.”
The two of us laughed, sucking in a breath, our lips touching briefly in a farewell to the Domme and sub relationship we'd once had, while paying homage to a future friendship. It was the end of a huge part of my life – one I knew I would never live through again. Kayla was the only woman I would ever love. She was the only woman I would ever submit to. Our relationship wasn't something I could just push aside and forget. She had to know she would never be forgettable. I loved Jared, and the optimist in me believed he would be the only person I truly loved for the rest of my life, but there would always be a place in my heart for Kayla.
I didn't leave the house immediately, but I didn't stay very long either. I had a cup of coffee with Luke and reassured him once again that I wasn't upset with him. I wasn't even upset with Kayla anymore. She'd done what she had to do to ease the blow, and I refused to make her feel bad for that. Within the hour, I was back on the road, unwinding my windows and letting the cool air fill the car as I sang along with the radio.
I felt lighter – lighter than I had in years. Until I was ready for a relationship of any kind, my life was my own. I had no one making decisions for me and I was free. For a full moment after that thought hit, I felt like I was free-falling. My stomach dropped and a metallic ringing filled my ears. Being submissive was a huge part of who I was and I wasn’t ready to let go of that any time soon, and I reveled in the endless possibilities of my future. When Jared had taken me out on our date, it had been as equals and it had been amazing. There was no undertone of dominance, just him and I, enjoying the company of one another.
As much as I wanted to submit to him, I was hesitant to let go of that equality. I wanted to be able to touch him without asking permission. I wanted that flirtatious teasing we had. There was really only one way of doing that and I wasn't sure whether it was something he also wanted, so I had to talk to him. I finally had to lay it all out on the table and explain what I wanted and see if it could work.
Picking up my phone, I dialed his number, rolling up the windows to stop the wind tunnel. As it rang, I rested my elbow on the lip of the window and waited.