I lay on his chest and listened to his heart beating, fast at first and then it settled into a slow drone. It was like a sirens song to me as I closed my eyes and let it sooth me. I remembered when Cas and August were little, they often woke up crying and I would enter into their room, hoping to give them comfort, but it always settled them down when Ryan would join us. He would hold August and I would hold Cas and they would both fall asleep as they listened to our hearts beating. I know that they are not mine, but with a twist of fate I became their Mother and there was a time when that was enough, when Ryan and I would step in and the boys would fall asleep as we held them and made them feel safe. It had been forever since Ryan had made me feel this way and yet as I drifted off to sleep the sound of his heart beating was the only thing that made me feel safe and needed. I buried my face into his chest and started to cry as he held me. I have no idea if he thought it was for us or not but I knew it was because it was over, once and for all.
Chapter Fifteen
Watch It Burn
August sat in the small room staring at the posters of “enlightenment” on the walls. He shook his head as he read “Always Believe” on one of them. If one thing rang true with August it was that he was a realist. He had read and learned of everything as his mind wanted to consume as much information as possible, but learning about something and believing in that stuff were two completely different things. He glanced at the black dragon statue on the table and a small sliver of memory came back to him. He could almost hear Cas speaking, slow and churning echoes in his mind, as they sat in their room and Cas recited from the book they both loved. August found himself transported back to a time when he felt as if the world belonged to both him and Cas, long before the lies and twisted world shaped them into what they would become.
****
“August….August?” Cas said as August stared out the window and watched the wind move the trees. A storm was coming and always held his attention better than anything else. He then heard his brother’s voice and turned to see him sitting in the chair, all of 13 years old and holding the book of Dragons. He sighed and turned back to the window.
“What?” August said as Cas touched the elaborate drawing of the Dragon on the page.
“Ancient natives believed that the Bakunawa Dragon caused the moon or the sun to disappear during an eclipse. It is said that during certain times of the year, the Bakunawa rises from the ocean and proceeds to swallow the moon whole. To keep the Bakunawa from completely eating the moon, the natives would go out of their houses with pots and pans in hand and make loud noises in order to scare the Bakunawa into spitting out the moon back into the sky. Some say that this Dragon is known to kill people by imagining their death.”
“Really?” August said as he watched the blackened sky churn above them.
“Can you imagine?” Cas asked him as he stared at the Dragon on the page. August then turned to him and did what he knew he should have long before now.
“Dragons are not real,” he said and Cas looked up at him and then smiled.
“Whatever,” he said as his eyes lowered and he stared at the Dragon who wielded so much power, the power to kill with just the thought of it. August walked towards him and then stopped, reached down and took the book. He slammed it shut and held it against his chest as Cas looked irritated and with good reason.
“They are not real,” August said as he held the book close to him and Cas stood up, staring into his brother’s face. August held his ground as he always did regardless of the outcome.
“Give me the book., Cas said and August shook his head ‘no’.
“Give it to me,” Cas said as he reached for it and August turned his back to his brother, holding onto the book as if he was about to save him.
“I am not kidding!” Cas said as his voice went up an octave and August had to turn back and forth and Cas reached from behind. Suddenly Cas hit him in the back and August stumbled forward, still clutching the book in his hands. He turned and stared at Cas with some disbelief that he had decided to hit him.
“You are pathetic,” August said to him as Cas clinched his fists at his sides.
“I am not.”
“No you are, you have to know that this is bullshit, all of it. There are no dragons, never were, never will be.”
“Shut up,” Cas muttered as August started to get a sick feeling of enjoyment from it.
“I mean do you believe in Fairies too? Woodland elves, Unicorns?” he said and Cas shook his head as his jaw tightened.
“Stop it,” Cas said and August held the book out in front of him.
“This is a fucking lie,” August said and Cas then suddenly lunged at him, the book flew from his hands as Cas knocked him onto his back and was holding him down against the floor. August stared at him and waited, never flinching or appearing nervous at all. Then Cas got into his face and narrowed his eyes.
“I hate you,” he whispered as August grinned.
“If so then you hate yourself.”
“No, just you and your lies,” he said as August suddenly rolled them over and stared down on Cas, taking the upper hand as usual. He pinned Cas’s arms to his side with his legs and smiled as he felt him struggle a little bit. He then raised his hand and covered his mouth as Cas stared him down with a little bit of fear entering his expression.
“A dragon can kill just by imagining it? Well, to kill you have to actually do it Cas, you have to be strong enough and want to make it happen.”
He then slid his hand up and covered Cas’s nose too as Cas made a noise and tried to move. August pressed harder and harder as the look in Cas’s eyes went from anger to pure terror and he moved more and more as August held on and would not allow him to breath. Cas finally started to slow as his eyes fluttered and August stood up quickly and released him as Cas took a deep breath of much needed air. He rolled onto his side into a fetal position and trembled as August felt the power he had over him. At that moment he felt invincible, as if the world belonged to him and the power to make things as he saw they should be. Cas crossed his arms on his chest and started to cry as August walked back to the window and stared at the rain as it started to fall from the dark sky above them.
“You see Cas? It is not the Dragon who controls life and death, it is us. Accept it and you accept the truth.”
Cas closed his eyes as August allowed the feeling to make him feel more powerful than he ever had before.
****
August turned as Jami stepped through the beaded doorway and smiled at him. He blinked a few times as the feeling he had that day made him now feel sick to his stomach. He should have never played that game with Cas. He should have allowed him to believe in something. He stole that from him and the bond they once had.
“Gaya will see you now,” Jami said.
August sighed and stood up. Shirking off the feelings of regret and followed Jami through a long hallway to the white door at the end. The paint was chipped on it. In fact the entire apartment looked run down. Jami stopped before he placed his hand on the handle and turned back to August.
“You need to be open.”
August looked down and then back up to him.
“I am serious, if you try to hide shit she will know and it will only piss you both off. She doesn’t play around.”
“Okay,” August said as Jami watched him closely.
“Okay.” He said in a nicer tone as Jami finally opened the door and the wafting smell of incense rolled out and engulfed both of them. August looked through the smoke and could see many candles burning and just figured he would go along with it. Jami truly believed in this nonsense so he would have to be as “open” as he could be to whatever was going to happen.
He stopped as he heard a voice and then turned to see no one, the voice then seemed to be all around him, whispering his name until he finally saw her sitting at a table with her fingers interlocked and resting on the top of it. She was not speaking and yet he could hear her voice inside of his head. He walked towards her and heard “Sit down” echo his mind as she looked him over. He placed his hand on the chair and sat down to face her, confused and yet curious as to how she was doing it. He looked around and she sighed and studied his face, finally opening her beautiful lips and speaking to him.
“Hello, August,” she said as he stopped looking for speakers and hidden wires in the room.
“Hello.” He said as he relaxed and she glanced at Jami.
“You can go now,” she said as she reached towards August and he naturally leaned back in his chair.
“Oh, I see you don’t trust me,” she said and August looked at Jami.
“I don’t trust anyone.”
Jami hesitated and Gaya looked at him. Jami tells me you need guidance.
August smiled and glanced at Jami.
“Don’t look to him, he is a black hole.”
“What?” August asked and Jami placed his hand on his hip.
“Fuck you Gaya.”
“You wish.”
Jami left them alone as August studied her face and she grinned at him.
“That one is a demon.” She said as she pointed towards the door.
“Jami?”
“Yes, he is.”
August laughed and she looked him over.
“You like him, that is not a good idea.”
“I thought you were friends.”
“he brings me business.”
“You don’t read him?”
She laughed as August rose up, ready to leave.
“No one can read him, like I said he is a black hole.”
“You, on the other hand, are not. You are a river, parting the sky.” She said and August sat back down as he watched the candlelight playing off of her brown hair. It looked healthy and long, some of it curled and some not. Her face was small but very pretty and in any other situation August would have found himself attracted to her. She smiled and lit a match, lighting a large candle between them as August saw that she was even more stunning with the illumination of light.
“I find you very attractive as well,” she said as he blinked and leaned forward to try to understand how she was doing it.
“Energy, I see it and therefor I see your thoughts. You don’t know how to block me yet so it is like an open book.
“You read minds?” August said and she laughed and leaned back in her chair. The back was higher than she sat and made of red velvet, August could not see the detailing on it but knew it was not cheap.
“So you value things in monetary levels then.” She said and August tilted his head.
“I think I am going to leave.”
She smiled and watched his face.
“He lives just behind your eyes as you do him.”
He shook his head as she pulled a large deck of cards and started to shuffle them.
“My brother?” he asked her and she nodded.
“I see your love for him and how lost you feel without him. The truth is you like to appear strong and yet you find him to be the strength. It is a strange relationship you have with him but then again, twins are not easily understood except by those of us who have one.”
“You have a twin?” August asked her as she set the deck down and stared at it.
“I did once, she left this plain for the next, but I still see her from time to time.”
August grinned and leaned back against his chair as he felt the soft fabric engulf him. For some strange reason this room felt safe, like a vault and he could not tell if it was his own intuition or her doing it.
“You do not believe, I understand. It is hard to understand it when no one had the means to show you.”
August placed his hands on the table and she grinned at him, the candle flickered, looking like fire in her eyes. He blinked a few times as something unsettling went through him but he quickly pushed it away from himself as she watched him very closely.
“Split the deck.” She said to him as he looked down at the cards.
“I don’t really…”
“You came out of curiosity, do not deny yourself now August.” She said as he reached up and took part of the deck and set it down next to the remaining cards. He then sat back as she picked up the cards and started to place them face down in front of him.
“There are Major Arcana and Minor Arcana cards.” He said as she stopped and grinned at him.
“That is correct.” She said. “The Major cards are that which we cannot control, outside forces and the minor…”
“We do control.” He said as she continued to place them down.
“Do you find it exhausting to have to study everything to the point of disbelief?” she asked him and he laughed as he watched her.
“I don’t study things to not believe, I am trying to find a reason to believe.”
She stopped and looked at the cards as she pondered his words.
She reached up and flipped the first card which was facing away from him and lifted her eyes to him.
“You have no control over your love. It consumes you and will continue to do so until you accept it as who you are.”
“Deep.” August said as she looked at him and smiled.
“But you already knew this, being bi sexual as you are.”
August cleared his throat and glanced at the door.
“Jami did not tell me anything about you, ask him.” She said and he looked back to the cards on the table.
“How do I know that?” August said as he adjusted in his chair.
She watched him closely and flipped the next card as August laughed.
“Oh am I Satan now?” he asked and she looked at the card of the devil and then back up at him.
“I expected you to know this one,” she said and August waved his hand.
“I remember a goat, I don’t know. It had been a long time since I…”
She cut him off and as she spoke, her tone calmed him and he felt as if he could visualize her words. He tried to fight it but she had a control over him he had never felt before. She smiled at him as she lit a second candle and the flame rose higher than the first.
“The Fool comes to the foot of an enormous black mountain where a creature half goat, half god reigns. At his hooves there are naked people, linked to the god's throne by chains, engage in every indulgence imaginable: sex, drugs…. The closer the Fool gets, the more he feels his own earthly desires rising in him. Carnal desires, hunger for food and power, greed and selfishness. "I have given up all such desires!" he roars at the Goat god, resisting the beast's power with all his might.