Ryan leaned up and tapped on the glass and suddenly Cas started to raise his head up, he then stared at him with strange eyes, almost black in color now with circles under them as if he had make up on. I walked to the window and placed my hand on it as I stared at him and Cas opened his mouth and screamed, the most blood-curdling scream I had ever heard in my life. I stepped back as he jerked in the chair and screamed over and over again until his head fell forward and drool seeped from his mouth. I shook my head and took a breath as Ryan looked back at me in horror.
“That is something he does from time to time.”
I stood there as Ryan walked up to me and placed a hand on my face.
“We need to go Beth,” he whispered and I allowed him to pull me along and away from Cas as his nightmare continued and mine had just begun.
Chapter Two
The Ghost Remains
“A hundred is fine,” August said as he held the phone up to his ear and spoke quietly.
“Tonight, yes,” he said and the call ended as he lowered the phone and then dropped it. He stared out of his window as the IV pulsed in his arm and the monitors beeped in the room. He then turned his head as Zoey stepped into the doorway and stared at him. She looked tired and worn down to the point of it aging her at least 5 years. August said nothing as she walked past him and to the window. She then turned as she sat down on the large edge of it, looking him over.
“My mother would kill me if she knew I came here,” she said as she looked the room over and then settled her eyes back onto him. August hesitated and then decided to speak.
“I am sorry,” he said as she watched him closely.
“Why? It wasn’t you who killed him, it was your fucking psychotic brother.”
“Like I said, I am sorry. Cas is my brother, he will always be my twin.”
“You are not twins, nothing alike in any way.” Her words stung although you would think it would be a compliment to him. August had always felt that Cas was the better of the two of them and he was lost now as he was alone.
August looked down and closed his eyes and he remembered his lips pressed against Zane’s and the heat of the many moments he had with him. He shook his head and considered being honest for a moment until she continued to speak.
“My brother was my best friend. I am sure to a certain degree you can understand that August. I mean a twin shares something with you that no one else can and when Zane died I felt a piece of me go with him.” She rubbed her hands as if a tremor was overtaking them for a moment and then she tucked them under her arms as she crossed them on her chest.
“Like I said, I am sorry Zoey,” August said as she stood up and walked towards him. She stopped as she looked at the monitors to the side of his bed.
“Are you dying?” she asked him and he shook his head ‘no’.
“No, in fact all of this is coming out today, I am just waiting on the Doctor to come and do it.”
“Mmm,” she said as she walked to the IV and played with the plastic tube.
“Is it true that if air gets into the line it will travel to your heart and kill you?” she asked him and August stared at her and nodded.
“Yes,” he said and she played with it a while longer as he did nothing. She looked enthralled with the idea of it longer than August would like. I mean Zoey had always been psychotic, she was aggressive and changed personality on a whim. August knew this but he also knew that she was in need, but more than that he needed her. His heart ached for Zane and yet as he looked at Zoey he could almost see him in her. He knew that point he would accept whatever she wanted to do to him just to have that connection.
“Scary,” she said as she let it drop from her hand and walked to the door.
“Call me tonight if you want to hang out or something…whatever.” She said as her voice trailed off and August let his breath out. He was holding it and didn’t even realize it until she left him there. He reached up and rubbed his face and ran his hands through his hair as he sighed and tried to regain his composure. This was not him, he was not someone who worried or felt doubt. This was something new and he did not want it lingering in his chest and mind.
****
I sat in the car and waited as Ryan returned to me. He had decided to stay and talk to the doctor. The stench of the asylum was too much for me and I certainly could not handle any more blood curdling screams from Cas. I watched him sit down and lean back into the leather seat as the driver closed the door.
“And?” I asked him as I lit another cigarette and he watched me.
“You smoke too much, Beth.”
I laughed and clicked my lighter shut as I turned it slightly and saw my mother’s initials etched into the side of it. I had held onto it forever and not until this all happened had I pulled it out and claimed it as my own. I swear I feel as if I am walking in my mother’s ghostly footsteps and that my future is mapped out as it had been for her.
“What did he say?” I said as I looked at him and he sighed.
“Cas has said nothing, he screams from time to time and that is it.”
“Should I be so happy about that Ryan?”
Ryan hesitated and then nodded to me.
“I would have to say ‘Yes’ to that Beth.”
“We are fucking pathetic Ryan.”
He closed his eyes and then looked out the window at the asylum.
“Would you rather he had died?”
I laughed and stared him down.
“Didn’t he Ryan? Didn’t we all?” I said and the car pulled out and away from one tomb towards another.
We rode in the car towards home not saying a single word to each other. I had nothing else to say to him, I had given him everything, all of me and more. Then I heard my phone beep and I pulled it up, glancing at the message and grinning to myself. I could not help it, it was Mani. In the midst of everything he was like an island that I owned, far away from everything that pained me.
“Can we take a detour?” I asked the driver as Ryan looked at me. He tapped on the glass and the driver looked in the rearview mirror and lowered the barricade between us. Ryan looked back at me and waited.
“Downtown, 5 and Park,” I said and the driver nodded as the glass went back up. Ryan pulled out a glass from the built in bar inside the car. He poured some scotch into it. He then slammed it back quickly pouring one more shot.
“So this is what we are doing now Beth?” he asked me and I shook my head and tried to ignore him.
He laughed under his breath and watched me as I stared out the window. He drank his second shot and considered a third as I turned to look at him.
“I will never leave,” I said and he laughed again, only this time it sounded sarcastic. This reminded me of the old Ryan, one I was used too.
“You left me years ago Beth, it is a ghost that remains.”
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” I asked him and he poured another shot and watched the scotch slowly move in the glass. He then stood up, hunched over and joined me on my side, he handed me the glass and I stared at it. I sniffed the scotch as he watched me. He leaned his shoulder against me as I took a small sip and then another.
“Mmm,” I said as he raised an eyebrow and took the glass from me. He then reached up and touched my face as he turned towards me. I glanced up as the Driver ignored us as usual.
“Ryan,” I said quietly as his fingers moved against my cheek ever so slowly. I closed my eyes as I tried to ignore how he makes me feel, how he has always made me feel regardless of history and hatred. He leaned in and I felt his lip press against mine, soft at first and then with a bit more aggression as he adjusted on the leather to be closer to me. He reached down and turned me to him as I was not going to do it myself. His lips left mine but his face remained close to my own. With my eyes closed I whispered to him.
“I hate how you make me feel.”
He watched my lips.
“I hate how you make me feel.” He repeated to me and with that he kissed me again as if he was trying to erase any hope I would ever have of being with someone new, having something worth more than this, deeper than this…
He scooted towards me, still holding my face with one hand and slipping his free hand around my waist, jerking me forward as I made a small noise at his lips. He moaned in response to me as his kiss became deeper, searching for something of value, the past perhaps…a Beth who once loved him more than anything else in the world and had faith in him. I reached up and grabbed his hair, pulling it as my fingers wound up tightly and he hissed at my lips, his eyes remaining closed and his body tensing up. I then kissed him, with a will of making him suffer, making his body ache for me as I had for years as he took advantage of staff just a room away from me. He did that to us, he made this what it is. He had cheated and blackened my heart and all I had left in me was the love for the boys. The love I had to learn to navigate. A love never really shown to me but something so pure it had to be a gift. So funny that after all of the money and lavish things my father had showered me with, that it was love and being able to truly understand its power that I valued the most.
The car stopped and I pulled my lips from his and he opened his eyes. I watched him closely as he sat before me. I knew what it meant to him, I could see it written all over his face and yet the old Beth, the one who knew that the bridge had burned without hope of rebuilding, met him with an army of cold resolve.
“I will not be home tonight, find company,” I said as the door opened up and I stepped out as he leaned to look at me.
“You are joking,” he said as he smiled and I grinned at him as I closed the door and walked away. I cannot say it was compassionate but it certainly felt good and I will not apologize for it. I glanced back as the car pulled off and I let Ryan feel as I had for so many years, alone and wanting something he cannot have again.
Chapter Three
Ruby and Regret
I sat in the back of the auditorium as Mani spoke so clearly and concisely on things. He had been speaking to crowds long before he met me and only recently had I been made aware of the fact that he did this at all. It seems he is an expert in his field, and although I had never really asked him everything that he did, I could only assume it included placing very bad people behind bars. Mani no longer worked for the FBI as normal agents do, but he had been elevated to a status that no one talked about, sort of like the Special Forces in the military. Seeing I had so much to hide from my past, being with him was like playing Russian roulette and it caused me to become addicted to it, or better yet, addicted to
him.
I would assume my mother would be proud of me that I traded in my addiction to prescription drugs for one of a man, or the idea of him anyway. Did I truly believe that Mani is my future? Not so much, I mean I can pretend as much as anyone can. I consider this more of a role-playing game. I play the distraught female and Mani plays the hero. I mean all stories need one right? At least that is what the critics claim to be true.
He finished up, as students who seemed so enthusiastic about seeing him, asked him their final questions of the day. I tapped a cigarette on my silver case and then noticed the ‘no smoking’ sign and set it aside as I watched him standing up there looking so…delicious. I swear he becomes more attractive each day and I cannot help myself. I know that after everything happened I should just break this off with him and I do appreciate his patience as he sees I am still living with Ryan. I also know that the conversation about me wearing my wedding band should come up someday, but until then I will keep my ruby and regret.
He smiled as he spotted me in the back and then cleared his throat.
“I am afraid that is all I have time for today.” He said as he grinned at me and took his glasses off. I shook my head slightly and he left them on as I find them beyond sexy. He nodded to the students as they all started to get up, muttering to each other. A couple groups of girls giggled as they were obviously more enamored with him than with his knowledge. I stood up and walked towards them, making them part like the red sea itself as they looked me over. I don’t give a fuck. I still have traces of bitch in me, something they would need years to master. I stopped as Mani stepped out from his podium and looked me over. I took my hat off and let my hair down as he sighed.
“Black looks good on you, almost as good as white.”
I looked down and knew I had switched completely. In fact I had replaced all of my clothing in my closet with black and thrown everything else away. I hated it now, all of the white and reminder of my Mother. Even though I know my fate it does not mean I have to wear it on the outside. I looked up at him and grinned as my hair fell into my face.
He stepped down and stopped just a couple of feet in front of me as his eyes wandered down my body and landed on my shoes, tall, shiny and black. He sighed and let his eyes return to mine.
“Do you have an idea of what you would like to do tonight?” he asked me and I bit my lip as my eyes wandered to his cock and settled there. He cleared his throat as he stepped up to me and leaned into my ear.
“How about we go out to eat and then some dancing?” he said and I nodded as I reached out and let my hand press against his pants, feeling a slight bulge beneath the material. I grinned and leaned up into his ear.
“As long as I can suck you off I am fine with whatever you have planned,” I whispered as he stepped back. A girl had returned and ran to her seat and grabbed her purse as she looked at the two of us.
“I really enjoyed your class today, Mr. Lucius,” she said and I looked down and then back at her as she glanced at me as girls do. I could feel her jealousy, so to speak, I mean as a woman you can always tell. I smiled as I normally do when I am feeling as if someone is challenging me and she placed her purse on her shoulder.
“It’s a knock off,” I said to her as she glanced at her bag. “You can tell, the stitching is atrocious, I can see it from here.” I added.
She stopped for a moment and then left us, not saying a word about it. I turned back to Mani as he looked me over.