“Lucky,
I’m not mad at you.” He stepped back and picked up his wallet. “I’m just not in
that place. I didn’t have a happy family like you. She left and she can’t
expect to just come back into my life.”
“I
understand.”
“What
did she say?” His eyes looked at me intensely. “Anything important?” The words
slipped out of his mouth casually, but I knew that what I said next would weigh
on his heart and in his mind for the rest of his life. And so I did the only
thing I thought I could do, I lied.
“She
was upset.”
I tried to avoid his
eyes. “She said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do. And every day, she
thinks about you and Noah, and wonders what sort of men you turned into.”
“I
bet she wants to know if we ended up looking like her or our dad.”
“Yeah.”
“She
was sad, huh?” Zane played with his fingers as he spoke and I started plaiting
my hair.
“Yeah,
she was really sad. I think she really regrets what she did.”
And if she didn’t, she should
, I thought
to myself.
“That’s
not enough.” Zane’s voice was gruff. “You don’t get your sons back because you
realize you made a mistake.”
“Yeah.
I think she’ll regret it for the rest of her life.”
“Well,”
Zane turned off the TV. “She should. Are you ready?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded and picked up my bag and we left the hotel room. My heart was heavy at
the lies I had told, but I’d rather have a guilty conscience than have Zane have
another broken heart.
Zane
“What shall we do today,
boys?” She sat at her vanity table and brushed her hair. “Do you want to go to
the beach?”
“Yes, please.” I sat on
the floor playing Legos with Noah.
“No, not the beach.”
Noah made a face. “I want to go wrestling.”
“We can’t go wrestling.”
I rolled my eyes and looked at her for approval. “Right?”
“Right, Zane, we can’t
go wrestling, Noah. Just think about what your dad would say.”
I stuck my tongue out at
Noah and jumped up. “Can I brush your hair?” I reached my hand out for the
brush.
“Not today, Zane.” She
shook her head. “You take too long.”
I stood behind her,
awkwardly wanting to reach over and hug her, but I was too scared, so I walked
away slowly.
“Come, Zane, it’s your
turn.” Noah called out to me.
“I’m tired of playing
Legos.” I made to leave the room.
“You’re just jealous
because my army is beating your army.” Noah picked up his toy car and it came
crashing down on the tower I had been building.
“What are you doing?” I
cried out angrily. “You ruined it.”
“I told you to come.”
“He ruined it, he ruined
it.” I shouted and stood there with my hands clenched.
“Noah, say sorry to your
brother and Zane please quiet down. It’s not a big deal.” She continued
brushing her hair and spoke without turning around.
“You’re such a baby,
Zane.” Noah jumped up and grinned, sticking his tongue out, back at me.
“Sally, Noah just stuck
his tongue out at me.”
“Zane did it first,
Sally. He did it first.” Noah ran over to our nanny and hugged her. She lifted
him into her lap and patted his head. Noah leaned his head into her shoulder
and I walked out of the room upset and jealous as she held him close to her
heart.
“Zane,
wake up.” Lucky shook my shoulder and I opened my eyes slowly.
“Huh?”
I looked up at her through sleep-filled eyes. “What happened?”
“You
kept shouting, ‘I want a hug too, I want a hug too!’” She looked at me with
worried eyes. “Is everything ok?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded and sat up. My throat was dry and I cleared it. “It was just a dream.”
“About
your mom again?” Her eyes were sad and she reached over to hold my hand. It
felt light and soft next to mine and I squeezed it gratefully. I liked having
her in the bed next to me. I didn’t know how I had gotten through the dreams
without her by my side before.
“No,
this dream was about one of my old nannies.” I shook my head. “Weird, I haven’t
thought about Sally in years.”
“Was
she nice to you?”
“She
was our first nanny after my mom left. She stayed for a few years and then left
when she got married to a guy who owned his own car dealership.”
“Were
you close?”
“She
was closer to Noah. I found it hard to reach out.”
“But
you were only six when your mother left. You never tried to get close to
anyone?”
“No,
you’re the first person I’ve really let in. I guess you can say you’re
special.” I gave her a weak smile and she sighed. “Though I suppose that makes
me sounds like a bit of a loser. A 25-year-old man who never got over his
mother leaving him.”
“That’s
not something that many people can get over, Zane.”
“They’re
not going to stop, are they?” I muttered without waiting for answer. “The
dreams aren’t going to stop, are they?”
“Do
you want them to stop?” Her voice sounded as sweet as an angel and I wanted to
just be able to focus on that. I wanted to be consumed by her love for me and
only her love for me. I wanted to banish the pain and hurt from my life. And
the first step to getting rid of the pain would be to know why my mom had left.
“I
want them to stop. I don’t want to be haunted by the past anymore. I want to
focus on you. On us.” I pulled Lucky into my arms and held her close. “I want
to be able to wake up and only think about your warm body against mine. I want
my only worry to be how many times I can make love to you before I go to work.”
“Zane,”
she giggled and I felt her kissing my shoulder.
“I
want to call my mom.” I blurted out. “I’m going to call her and find out why.”
I felt Lucky’s body still next to mine and I knew she must have been shocked at
my change of heart. “You were right, Lucky, I need to talk to her to try and
get closure. I can’t be scared or bitter anymore. I need to move past those
emotions.”
“Are
you sure, Zane?” Her voice was low and I could barely hear her. “Maybe she
can’t give you the closure you need.”
“I
just need some answers. I just want to understand why, and how she could leave
us.”
“What
if she asks about Noah?”
“Then
she’ll have to know that her youngest son is dead.” My words were harsh and my
stomach was full of nerves. As much as I knew that I didn’t want to see her and
have that conversation, I knew that I needed to. I didn’t come all the way to
France to find out she was here to leave. I knew Noah would have wanted to
know, he would have wanted me to call. “I have to call for Noah.”
“No,
Zane, you have to call for you. You have to call because it’s what you want and
need.” Lucky pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. “You have to be
honest with yourself, Zane.”
“Maybe
she misses me.” I looked away from her as I uttered the words that I had never
voiced before. In fact, I had never even allowed myself to think those
thoughts. “Maybe we can make this right. Maybe she really does regret
everything that happened. Maybe, and I don’t mean right away, but in a few
months or even a few years, maybe we can even have a relationship again.”
“You’d
like that, wouldn’t you?” Lucky held me tight and I breathed in her scent.
“I’d
like a mother who loves me. I’d like to know that she loves me. I’d like to
understand why she left.”
“So
then I guess you should call her.” Lucky sighed and I frowned. I had expected
her to be happy for me, excited even.
“Is
it too early to call her now?”
“It’s
5 a.m.,” Lucky whispered. “I’d say it’s definitely too early.”
“I’m
nervous.” I laughed. “Man, I sound like a sissy.”
“No,
you don’t.”
“I
do,” I muttered. “Let’s go back to sleep.”
***
“No
answer.” I tried the number one more time, disappointment coursing through my
veins. “Maybe she moved?”
“Maybe.”
Lucky looked down at her plate.
“Wait,
you said you had her address right?” An idea popped into my mind. “Maybe we can
go visit her?” The more I thought about it, the better the idea sounded. “I
mean a phone call is all good and well, but what I really want is to look into
her eyes and ask us how she could have left us.”
“Do
you think that is a good idea, Zane?” Lucky chewed on her fingernails and
looked worried. “What if she’s not here?”
“That’s
a chance we would have to take.” I called the waiter over so I could get the
bill. “
La cuenta, por favor
.”
“That’s
Spanish, Zane.” Lucky giggled and I smiled at her vacantly. My mind was already
thinking about what was going to happen when I saw my mom. It didn’t seem real
and I wasn’t sure I was making the right decision. But I kept hearing Noah’s
voice in the back of my mind asking me where I thought mom was and if mom
missed us. I knew that I had to find out, if not for me, then for Noah.
“I’m
ready, Zane.” Lucky grabbed my arm and I stood up. We walked to the corner and
as the taxi pulled over, I realized that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to go,
but I knew there likely wouldn’t be another opportunity like this coming up
again.
“It’s
a beautiful house.” Lucky stared at the garden in front of us. We were in the
outskirts of Paris now and there was green grass all around us as opposed to
buildings.
“With
the money she took she should have a nice house.” I muttered, staring at the
smallish farmhouse it front of us. It didn’t fit my image of my mother; I
couldn’t see her in a farmhouse or on a farm.
“Zane,
please.”
“I
won’t bring it up.” I took a deep breath and walked up the pathway and to the
front door. I could hear some noises from inside the house and I felt like I
was going to throw up. This was it then, I was about to come face to face with
my mother. Lucky stood next to me and slid her hand into mine. I looked down at
her gratefully and gave her a quick smile. With my heart pounding, I lifted the
knocker on the door and waited.
“
Allo, allo
.” A little boy answered the
door and looked at us. “
Bonjour
.” He
smiled widely at me and then at Lucky. He looked to be about seven and had a
huge gap in his front teeth.
“
Bonjour
.” I smiled back at him with my
heart in my mouth. “We,
uh Nous visite
Mrs. Beaumont.”
“
Pardon
?” He looked up at me with
oblivious eyes. He had no idea that my whole world was about to change in about
five minutes.
“
Bonjour mon amie
,” Lucky smiled at the
little boy. “
Ca va
?”
“
Bien
.” He grinned.
“I
didn’t know you spoke any French?” I looked at Lucky in surprise. Why hadn’t
she helped in the taxi if she was fluent?
“That’s
all I know.” She laughed and the three of us stood there at the door looking at
each other.
“Jean-Pierre.”
I heard a lady’s voice calling to the little boy.
“
Oui mama
.”
“Jean-Pierre.”
The voice came closer to the door and as the lady opened the door, the little
boy made a face and ran back inside. “
Bonjour
.”
The lady stuck her head out the door and she had a contemplative look on her
face.
As
I stared into her blue eyes, I felt my heart still. She stared back at me, and
her face paled. We looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity and I
felt my brain asking a million questions that my mouth didn’t seem to want to
say.
“Hi.”
Lucky finally broke the silence. “Is Mrs. Beaumont here?”
“You.”
The lady broke eye contact with me and looked at Lucky, her eyes shooting daggers.
“Mrs.
Beaumont?” Lucky’s voice was hopeful and soft and I watched her talking to my
mom in silence. I felt like I was in one of my dreams, only someone had frozen
me in place.
“I’m
afraid you’ve come to the wrong address.” Her voice was heavily accented. She
sounded like a native French speaker. I was surprised at how easily her
American accent had changed.
“Mom.”
I looked at her and said the words awkwardly. They almost choked me, but a part
of me felt somehow lighter at being able to say the words to her face.
“Sorry,
I can’t help you.” Her face looked upset and she looked away from me. “You
should go.”
“Mom,
it’s me, Zane.” I spoke again, a little louder this time. “It’s me, your son,
Zane Beaumont.”