The Loss (Heartache series #1) (2 page)

Slowly, I open my eyes, and they focus on Bill’s face. I sit up in the chair and stretch my legs out in front of me. I had no idea I’d fallen asleep. I turn and look out the window. The familiar landscape below moves by quickly as we descend. My heart kicks up a notch as I realize that I’ll be home soon, seeing my mom and dad, the neighborhood, and all the sights I’ve missed in the last couple of years. The excitement of seeing everything starts to stir within, and I jump when the plane hits the ground.

Since we are allowed to leave the plane first, we head straight to the baggage claim and gather our two bags, and walk to the car rental place. Dad wanted to pick us up but Bill wouldn’t have anything to do with it, saying he wanted a car to drive while we’re here, even though we have an extra car we could have used at home. I stand there trying to be patient as he talks with the attendant. He’s annoyed because he didn’t get the SUV he wanted and refuses to drive the Buick car they offered him. By the time they get him the car he wanted, get our bags in the back and strap ourselves into our seats, I’m exhausted and feel a headache coming on. I give him directions on the way to my parents’ house and watch intently as we drive. I have so many emotions flooding me as we move through town and past the theatre where Jase and I spent so much time together. I watch the mall whizz by where my other best friend, Hailey, and I shopped so much. My fingers dig into the leather of my seat when I see the walking trail as we drive over the crosswalk in front of where Olivia was killed in our neighborhood, and I close my eyes briefly.

“Alena? Darling? Are you okay?” I feel his hand grab mine and squeeze it gently. I had no idea I was breathing so hard.

I turn to look at the worried frown on his handsome face and give him a small smile. “I will be.” He gives me a sad smile in return and looks back at the road, his hand keeping a firm grip on mine.

My heart starts beating fast again but for a different reason. My smile lifts when we pull onto my street. I look around, the houses haven’t changed much. Same manicured lawns, same sidewalks I used to ride my bike on. The Anderson’s have changed the color of their house from brown to a light gray and all the new flowers blooming in various places. As we pull into the driveway, I look fondly at our house. So many memories that I feel a bit overwhelmed. It’s the same. It’s so different. I’m different.

When we get out and are getting our bags from the back, the front door opens and my head snaps to the sound. I drop my bag to the ground, hoping I didn’t break any of my makeup, and run up the drive, the small walkway and straight into my mom’s arms. “Oh, honey! It’s so good to see you!” She hugs me tightly. Her smell is the same as I’ve always remembered. Lilac. The warmth of her arms, her loving embrace, filling me with joy. God, I’ve missed her. She pushes me away but only at arm’s length. “Let me look at you.” My smile is so big that I feel like I’m going to bust as her eyes move up and down my body, and then she frowns. “You’ve lost too much weight. Are you not eating well?” I open my mouth but don’t get a chance to respond as she puts her arm around me and leads me into the house. “Well, good thing you’re home. I have a ton of things planned to cook. All your favorites. I’ll get you fattened up.” I close my mouth and chuckle to myself.

“No worries. I got all the bags,” Bill’s voice sounds behind us, and I turn my head to see the look on his face. Quickly, it changes from a small scowl to a small smile.

“Last door on the right, up the stairs,” my mom shouts back.

I give him a smile and shrug my shoulder. “No problem. Thank you, Mrs. Spencer.” He winks at me and walks away towards the stairs. I start to wonder how much all of this is bothering him or maybe it’s the tension I’ve been feeling from him the last few months.

“Nice man. It’s not Jase, but I guess he’s nice.” I stop and still. “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. And here I promised myself I wouldn’t bring him up.” Her eyes sadden.

I turn my head and try to smile. “It’s okay, Mom. Jase was always a part of our lives. You can’t not talk about our memories without bringing him up. I’ll be fine.” She rubs my shoulder up and down, and then we start walking to the kitchen again. I sigh as we enter. It’s going to be a long week. I wonder if I shouldn’t have come.

Chapter 2

My phone went off several times during my run, but I didn’t want to stop and answer it. I’m sure it was Mom trying to persuade me into coming over, again. I know she means well except she needs to leave it alone. I’ve been to two different therapists, both helped some. For me the only thing that helps the most is my running and working out. The nightmares have lessened, although I’m not sure they will ever go away, and I know I’ll never forget that day when I lost Liv. The sounds of the music in my ears make me run a little faster, but my body is screaming for me to go home. I finally listen to my aching muscles and start slowing down to a jog as I make my way to my house. By the time I get to the front porch I’m walking, trying to slow my breathing down. When I get to the steps, I lean my hands against the railing, stretching out my legs, my feet and my back.

Taking the key from the pocket of my gym shorts, I walk up the steps and unlock the front door, flipping the light switch on the wall to the right. After locking up, I walk straight to the kitchen and grab a bottled water from the fridge, nearly downing the entire thing. I look down at the near empty shelves and scrunch up my face. “Damn. I really need to hit the grocery store soon.” A shelf half full of bottled waters, half a head of lettuce and various containers that I’m sure need to have the food thrown out, are the only things in there. I let out a big sigh. I’ll do that tomorrow. Drinking the rest of the water, I close the fridge door and toss the empty bottle over my head, making the recycle bin. “Score!” I shout to no one.

After a long hot shower and brushing my teeth, I run a hand through my wet hair and throw on some boxers. Settling into bed feels about as great as the shower did. I put my hand under my head and close my eyes but all I can think about is that
she
will be coming into town soon, and I pray I don’t run into her until the reunion. It’s gonna be hard enough to see her then.

“JASE! WAIT UP!” I turn my head, my feet pounding the asphalt, and I smile at Liv, following me on her bike. The music in my ears only allowing me to barely hear the outside sounds around me. I slow down a little so she can catch up but after a couple of minutes something inside me cringes. She should have passed me by now.

A loud screeching noise shrills up my body and everything seems to go in slow motion. I turn, stopping still, when I see the truck slam into Liv. Her bike is crunched under its tires, her body thrown a few feet away.

“NOOOO!” I sit up in bed. My breathing is in heavy pants, and sweat has beaded on my forehead. “Liv,” I whisper into the darkness. I move my legs from under the sheets, sliding them over the edge of the bed until my feet hit the floor. My hands move into my hair as I lean down, fisting it and pulling. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve relived the nightmare that haunts me, but it’s still so fresh in my mind. Like it just happened.

Knowing I won’t be going back to sleep for a bit, I head downstairs and into the kitchen to get a bottled water. Flipping the light on was a mistake, my eyes squinting against the intrusion. I notice my phone on the counter and had forgotten to check my messages earlier.

Mom: Alena is in town.

Mom: Are you going to see her?

Mom: Honey, you really should talk to her.

Mom: Are you ok?

Jolie: We need to order more towels. On it!

Alena. She’s here. My heart takes off in overdrive and suddenly my throat is drier than it was. I walk to the fridge, grab a bottle and twist off the cap, drinking it down like my life depended on it. Her face flashes in my mind. What the hell am I gonna say to her? She’s the one that quit talking to me, out of the blue. I wonder what she’ll look like now. If she still has that creamy complexion, those few freckles on the top of her nose. Is her hair still long like it was or has she cut it shorter? Does she still have that soft giggle I used to love to hear so much?

I shake my head from my thoughts. Towels. The gym. Shit! Jolie is my front desk clerk, but she does a little of everything. I met her in college. She works out more than I do. She’s pretty cool. Her hair is short, almost to her shoulders, kind of a white-blonde with dark underneath and streaks of blue and pink on one side. She has tattoos, and she won’t tell me what they mean. I guess that’s private, so I respect that. She knows her stuff around the gym. She helps people with their workouts, takes care of stock and member check in, and makes sure the power bar is running smoothly. I guess she’s like a personal trainer/manager. She’s a hyper little thing. I wonder if I should give her a raise. Probably. She doesn’t talk much, never has. We used to work out, then hit the power bar, and just sit there in silence. It was kind of weird but kind of nice at the same time. At the end of our last year in college, I told her about my plan to come home and get a gym up and running and she was all over it. So, she moved here. She lives in an apartment building about two blocks from me, and I never see her unless it’s at the gym. I don’t know much about her. If she has a family somewhere, friends or pets. Like I said; private.

I look over at the clock on the wall and see it’s only four in the morning. Quickly, I grab another water doing a dunk shot with the empty into the recycling bin, and go upstairs to get my running clothes on. After I finish getting dressed and putting my socks and running shoes on, I put on my knee brace, head downstairs and out the door.

There’s nothing like running in the early hours. Your music playing in your ears, the beat of your feet hitting the ground. It’s dark out except for the street lights and the few houses that have lights on sporadically throughout. It’s a peaceful time. Just you and the music.

I head to one of my favorite places. There’s a walking trail about a block from my house. About halfway through it, ther
e’s a slim dirt path that heads into the trees. I reach it and I look at my watch and decide to turn back. The gym will be opening soon, and I need a shower. I head towards the last big corner, not being able to see very far ahead of me in the darkness and run right into something or someone.

“Oomph!”

Damn, I hit it hard. I’m falling before I can stop myself and land on a soft cushion of a body. We’re all tangled in legs and arms when I push myself up a little, my hands pressing against the dirt, and I look down into the face of Alena. Her eyes are closed as I lift up a little more when I see she’s struggling to breathe. Her hair is pulled back, her lips parted, and I feel her hands on my uppers arms. She’s stunning.

“Alena,” I breathe. Slowly, her eyes open, her chest is rising and falling heavily against mine. Suddenly, her eyes widen in shock, the beautiful greens I’ve missed for so long. Her hands squeeze my arms then quickly leave them, pushing against my chest, almost in a panic. I rise, squatting in front of her and grab her upper arms, lifting her with me as I stand. “Are you okay?” I run my fingers haphazardly through my hair, a bad habit I’ve always had when nervous or stressed. “Shit! I had no idea you were there. I’m sorry.”

She steps back to where I can’t see her as well in the shadows of darkness. “Oh! Jase. I’m sorry. I guess I should have….” She fumbles. Her hands are wringing themselves in front of her. That’s always been her telltale sign of nervousness.

“Uh, well.” I run my fingers through my hair, feeling so awkward. It didn’t use to be this way, and I hate it. “It’s not like you could see very well in the dark and you were coming around a bend.” I look down, not knowing what to say. How to act. Damn! It shouldn’t have to be this way between us but so much time has passed. I take a step closer, and she takes one back. “Look….” I take another step forward, and she holds firm. “I know it’s been awhile. There’s so much…. We should talk. Then maybe it won’t be so awkward at the reunion, ya know?”

A corner of her mouth lifts and I breathe a little easier. “Yes, you’re right. We should.”

Silence. Uncomfortable silence.

“You look….” Her eyes snap to mine, and she presses her lips together. “You’ve grown up.” A small laugh burst from her mouth. “I mean….” I look down and shuffle my foot in the dirt then back up into her eyes. “Fuck! Why is this so hard?” Her lips turn into a full smile. “You’re beautiful, Alena.” We stand there, not a foot away, just staring at each other. The birds are starting to chirp in the trees around us. The leaves are blowing with a slight breeze, and I see her shiver. “Are you cold?”

She looks down, shyly, still smiling. “I should get back. I have things….” She looks up and her smile drops, slightly. “It was great seeing you, Jase. Maybe we can catch up before Friday. I’m staying at Moms.” Her eyes widen, like she shouldn’t have said that. “I’m sure I’ll see you around. Gotta go. Bye.” She turns and starts to run, but I grab her arm.

“Alena. Wait!” Her head turns, faintly. “I’ll run back with you, just until the trail. Okay?” I catch the slight nod of her head and release her arm.

We jog together in silence. There’s so much I want to say to her, so many things that need to be said, but I can’t. My eyes keep catching the weaving of her blonde ponytail and how her body moves with grace. We get to the end of the dirt trail, hit the pavement and stop. She turns to me and seems to look everywhere but at me. “Well, I’m going this way so….”

She points in the opposite direction of where I’m headed so I give her a quick nod. “Okay. Take care of yourself and maybe I’ll see you soon?” I ask in anticipation.

“Uh, sure. I’d like that. Bye, Jase.” I’m stuck there, watching her jog off until she fades into the shadows of the early morning.

I feel at a loss, like I don’t know what to do with myself, so I start jogging and move into a full run until I reach my house. I think I need to take my shower and head to the gym early. I need a blowout workout right about now. She changed, but haven’t we all? However, she doesn’t look extremely different, her face and body etched in my brain. The last five years have been good to her, physically. She’s even more beautiful than she was.

♥    ♥    ♥    ♥

It felt so good to run, but I’m a sweaty mess. The shock of running into Jase plaques my mind as I get home and upstairs to the bathroom. I turn on the shower tap and wait until it gets heated up. When I turn and see my reflection in the mirror, I reach up and touch my face. I wonder how he sees me now. Am I the same girl he remembers? After five years, I have to say he’s more gorgeous than I remember. He definitely has kept in shape and is even more built. I tried not to stare at the huge muscles on his arms, his strong jaw that is more defined now, and his abs that seems to protrude underneath his wife-beater. I blink when I notice the light shade of rose covering my face as I think of him. Damn, I need to stop that now before someone notices.

Shaking my head from my thoughts, I step into the shower and adjust the water temperature. Moving under the spray, I tilt my head back and run my fingers through my wet tangled hair. He didn’t notice I had cut it some. I don’t think he did. After washing my hair, conditioning and cleaning the sweat from my body, I turn off the water and grab a towel off the rack beside the shower. Once I’ve brushed my teeth, my hair and applied my lotion, I put on a pair of nice dress slacks and a silky blouse wishing I could just put on my jeans and tank top. I start applying my makeup and think back to a fight Bill and I had getting ready for our trip.

“I don’t know why you’re packing those type of clothes, Alena. It’s not like you’re going to wear them there,” Bill spouts in a gruff voice.

I look up from my suitcase. My eyebrows crease and my heart racing in frustration. “So, you’re not going to allow me to wear any comfortable clothes while I’m at home?”

He takes my arm and pulls me into his body, wrapping his arms around me. “You should be comfortable in nice attire, pumpkin.” I cringe at his pet name for me. “You need to look like the professional woman you are at all times. You know this. How many times have we talked about it?” I stay quiet and only nod slightly against his chest. We’ve talked about it plenty, but it’s what he wants, not what I want.

I stop mid stroke of mascara and focus at my eyes in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder why I stay with him. He dictates everything I say and do, to the point of madness. But he was there for me when I started the next chapter of my life. Helped me try to get over the loss of Jase and supported me when I was getting my graphic design company up and running. Yet, does that mean our relationship will work? Forever?

“Alena! I’m going out for a while! Will you be okay?” Bill yells from downstairs.

My hand holding the mascara in midair shakes. I stand up straight and roll back my shoulders. “Yes, Bill. You go ahead. I’ll be fine.”

The sounds of footsteps and then a door closing makes me sigh in relief. What am I doing? I should just tell him it’s over. Is the timing right? Is there ever a good time? Ugh! I hate this! I hate that I came back home for the first time in two years, the reunion, seeing Jase this morning, and the mess I’m in with my life. I need a drink. My eyes widen, and I start applying my makeup faster then I change my clothes into my favorite pair of jeans and tank top, put my flip flops on and grab my phone. I send off a text and head downstairs to the kitchen to find Mom sitting at the table.

“Morning, honey. How are you today?” She asks as she lifts her coffee cup to her mouth.

I walk straight over to the coffee pot, grab a cup from the cabinet, pour me some deliciousness and walk over to the table, sitting down across from her. “I’m good. I, uh…. I ran into Jase this morning on my run. Literally.” Her smile is genuine as she sets her cup down.

“Oh? How did that go?” I take a sip of heaven and set my cup down in front of me.

I remember the surprised look on his face, how my eyes scanned his body, how his scanned mine, and how the tingles flowed through me at the view. “It was kind of…. Awkward.”

I look down at my cup when I feel the warmth of her hand covering mine. “Of course, it will be a bit awkward but you and Jase grew up together. You were inseparable. And you’ve both grown up, changed, and have been away from each other. I bet if you spent a little time together everything would come back as it should be. I’ve always believed you two belonged together.”

I sigh as I look up and into her loving eyes. “That was a long time ago, Mom. I have Bill now.”

I watch as her face changed from caring to sadness yet changes back so quickly that you wouldn’t know unless you knew her. She pats my hand and then pulls it back, picking up her cup and taking another sip. She never liked Bill. First, I thought it was because he wasn’t Jase and by me getting together with him meant I’d moved on, which is exactly what I was trying to do. Then, after coming up to the college one time to visit and meet him, she didn’t like him at all because of how proper and stuffy he acted. But that’s Bill. She didn’t understand how much he was there for me when I needed someone. Someone who helped me get passed my loss. Was there for me, held me when I cried myself to sleep. Jase, Liv, both of the losses I felt. No one ever held me after the accident, except Mom, of course. Jase couldn’t. He wasn’t the same after that. Who would be when they watched the love of their life get killed right in front of them?

My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out. My eyes soften, and I smile when I read the text. I text back, send, and then look up at Mom. “I’m meeting Hailey in an hour at the mall to shop for the reunion and then we’re going to Danny’s.”

“Oh! That’s wonderful dear. I thought you already bought a dress for that?” she asks with a smile on her face, warming me up. “I’m sure you’re anxious to see Hailey. You both always had so much fun together.”

My smile grows when I remember Hailey. “Well, I might just get some new things but yes, I have a dress Bill wants me to wear.” Her smile wavers. “I can’t wait to see Hailey!” We talk about memories of Hailey and me together, and she even brought up Jase. I didn’t cringe this time but just laughed with her and some of the things we used to do. Our house and Jase’s were where we all used to congregate when we weren’t playing outside. It was so comfortable being with them, and our parents, until after the accident. Things were strained, to say the least, but expected. I don’t think any of us were the same after that, especially Jase. That sets my mind in a totally different direction. I wonder how he is now. He seemed okay when we bumped into each other. Is he still having nightmares? Is his life better now? My focus moves back to Mom as she continues talking about childhood memories. We laugh as we talk and drink our coffee until it’s time for me to leave.

Mom lets me take her car and the whole time I’m driving into town, which isn’t very far, I’m thinking about our neighborhood, how close everyone was, how much fun we used to have and all the alone time with Jase.